The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! — Thursday, September 21, 2006
– By now I’m sure everyone reading this has heard that Vince Russo is returning to TNA to serve in a three-way booking team along with Jeff Jarrett and Dutch Mantell, answering directly to Dixie Carter so his job will not be to please Jarrett and apparently has big plans to shake things up. I’m cautiously optimistic that this might be what TNA needs: character development and unique storylines, two things that Russo displayed in the WWF and even WCW, like him or not. He’s allegedly a different man than in the past, so I’m willing to give him a chance. Therefore, since tonight’s show was taped like three weeks ago before this announcement, I’ll be watching Impact more positively with the hope that we’ll get a big shakeup at the PPV and/or the following TV tapings.
– We open with a video recap of the Town Hall Meeting last week and buildup for Joe/Jarrett this Sunday at No Surrender, including a comment from Joe wondering if Jeff is really the “big-baller and shot-caller” he thinks he is. Good stuff.
– Backstage at the Impact Zone, Rhino promises to tear into Monty Brown with the GORE! GORE!! GORE!!!
– Elsewhere backstage, Monty cuts a promo until Christian Cage interrupts him and claims that even though the Alpha Male hates him, he has some business to discuss with him. Monty decides to see what this “chump” has to say and follows Christian as we go to the usual Impact opening.
– The Ultimate X structure is set up around the ring for the whole show for the third week in a row.
– Jeff Jarrett makes his way to the ring with a more appropriate look wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt carrying the NWA World Title belt and a leather strap as he welcomes us to “Jeff Jarrett SVU: Special Victims Unit”. Jarrett whines about being a victim of TNA Management and TNA fans for four years, but claims that he’s opening his own Special Victims Unit and will add Samoa Joe and his undefeated streak to the victims list at No Surrender. So he’s going to rape and murder Joe? That’s hardcore, man. Jarrett also plans to add Sting to the list at Bound For Glory, but tonight he’s looking for his first victim and challenges anybody on the grounds of Universal Studios. Joe charges out and they brawl around ringside and into the crowd after Jarrett whips a “fan” with his strap. The Samoan Submission Machine batters the NWA Champion through the crowd and boots him back over the guardrail, whipping him with the strap along the way. Jarrett retrieves his guitar and surprises Joe at ringside by busting it over his head and busting him open. Joe bleeds (for the first time in TNA, I believe) as Jarrett chokes him with the broken guitar and foams at the mouth, screaming that Joe is his first victim. Good brawl to hype the PPV match, although Joe bleeding for the first time in TNA should have happened much later and been built up much bigger.
– A video package builds up this Sunday’s Tag Team Ultimate X as Konnan promises that LAX will bring a whole new level of violence to the match.
– Petey Williams vs. Jay Lethal
Clips are shown of last week’s Jackass stunt as Petey knocks Lethal to the floor and slingshots out with a beautiful huracanrana. Back inside, Petey hangs Jay in the tree of woe and performs the “O Canada”, but Lethal fights out of a submission and hits the hiptoss/cartwheel-dropkick combo. Lethal misses a moonsault and escapes from the Canadian Destroyer before decking Petey with a heelkick off the middle turnbuckle for a two-count. Petey comes back with a unique cradle guillotine DDT for a close near-fall, but Chris Sabin distracts the referee while Sonjay Dutt hands Lethal a bowling ball, which he uses to go “bowling for balls” in Mike Tenay’s words and rolls the ball into Petey’s groin. The ref turns back to the action as Lethal wraps up Williams in a small package for the 1-2-3.
– Jim Cornette joins Tenay & West at the broadcast table to run through and hype the No Surrender lineup for this Sunday.
– We are treated to a look at some of the video submissions in the “I Hate Jeff Jarrett” contest. Go to TNAWrestling.com to see if you’re the winner! I doubt you are, but go ahead and check anyway.
– Jeremy Borash interviews Senshi, who states that this is neither the time nor the place for Jackass jokes, but Sabin, Dutt, & Lethal interrupt the X Division Champion and mock him. Sabin jokes that he enjoyed him in Bloodsport and he and his buddies walk off laughing as Senshi stares silently.
– “Showtime” Eric Young vs. Norman Smiley
West disturbingly calls attention to Eric’s groin region as he has stuffed his tights… with a videotape. He did this last time they taped Sting too. Eric wrestles the match with the videotape in the front of his trunks and applauds Norman when he stops Eric with the hand and dances. Eric responds with his own Stop & Dance, but Norman doesn’t appreciate it and slams Showtime with a nice delayed double-underhook suplex for a two-count. Norman goes for the Big Wiggle, but Eric runs away covering his ass. I guess he attended the Terry Garvin School of Self Defense. Norman charges in, but he eats a foot to the face and Young drops Smiley with the wheelbarrow neckbreaker for the three-count. Afterwards, Showtime marches off with the tape on a mission.
– Jeremy Borash interviews Shane Douglas, who swears that if the Naturals don’t win the Triple Chance tag team battle royal at No Surrender, his managerial experiment with them is over. The Franchise leaves as Eric Young arrives and says that he needs to get the videotape to Jarrett, but JB informs him that the NWA Champion left the building and takes the tape himself, promising Eric that Jeff will see it.
– Tenay announces that not only will Jarrett see the video, we all will, and introduces the video, which is a funny “Paparazzi Productions” feature with Eric Young in the streets of Los Angeles looking for Sting. Eric claims that this is the street that Sting takes to get to the gym every day as he holds up some funny signs and questions passers-by about the Stinger…and it ends. Afterwards, Tenay wonders why Eric would want Jarrett to see that. Yeah, no shit. What a dumbass.
– Falls Count Anywhere: Monty Brown vs. Rhino
We are shown clips from the awesome Falls Count Anywhere three-way at Hard Justice these two were involved in as they brawl around ringside and Monty does his U-turn routine, throwing Rhino into the ring rather than into the crowd. The Alpha Male goes for a pin using the ropes for leverage, but referee Earl Hebner sees him and stops counting. Earl as the straightshooting, rule-enforcing official on a quest to regain his credibility and repair his reputation would be cool. Rhino tosses Monty to the floor and takes him into the crowd as we go to break.
When we come back, Monty sets up a table in the ring and tries to superplex Rhino onto it, but the War Machine blocks it so Brown lifts him off the turnbuckles in a fireman’s carry for an F5 through the table. However, Rhino slips out and slams Monty with a belly-to-belly suplex before propping up the table vertically in the corner and charging at Monty with the Gore, but Brown sidesteps him and Rhino crashes through the table. Brown scores a near-fall, but Rhino comes back with a spinebuster and prepares another Gore. As Rhino waits on Monty, Christian appears at ringside and drags the former NWA Champion out to ringside, where they brawl. They brawl through the crowd and outside the building as Cage rams Rhino’s head against a brick wall and smashes his head with a chair against the wall. Great stuff.
– This week’s entrant in the Bobby Roode Sweepstakes is (Sensational/Sensational Queen/Scary/Sensuous/Sista) Sherri Martel, who namedrops Randy Savage, Ted DiBiase, and Shawn Michaels as former champions of hers and claims that Roode has all the tools, but needs a strong woman to make sure he gets everything he deserves. Roode invites Sherri to dinner and they drive off in the limo. Hey bud, Bobby Heenan’s paying for that dinner!
– In a dressing room, Jeremy Borash interviews a bloody Samoa Joe, who cuts an absolutely off-the-charts promo about how the match with Jarrett was going to be about the fans’ vengeance, but now it will be about his personal vengeance because Jarrett made him bleed. Joe roars that Jarrett has unleashed him and vows to pay Jarrett back tenfold for every drop of blood spilled tonight, chanting “Joe is gonna KILL you!” before promising that Jarrett will die this Sunday. Awesome performance from Joe.
– After the break, Borash catches up with Christian in the parking garage and Cage refers to what he did to Rhino as “tough love”. Christian claims that he’s going to prove that Rhino isn’t on his level at No Surrender and tells JB to “piss off, Queer Eye” because he has places to go. Gotta love Christian back in the heel groove.
– A video package airs on the LAX “revolution”.
– The ring is decorated with a mariachi band, streamers, signs, some refreshments (including tequila, inspiring a “We want shots” chant), and an Uncle Sam effigy hanging from the center of the Ultimate X structure. LAX have some girls with them as Konnan explains that they are celebrating Hispanic Heritage Month and adds that the best thing about this party is there are no gringos. Konnan brags about brutalizing Daniels & Styles and promises that LAX will bring such violence on Sunday that the match will be rechristened the “Ultimate LA-X”. K-Dawg warns Middle America that Latinos are all over the place and rants about racism and prejudice as they beat on the Uncle Sam pinata until the Phenomenal Angels sprint out and clean house on the NWA World Tag Team Champions. LAX fight back as Hernandez hurls Daniels to the floor and powerbombs Styles before they pull down Uncle Sam and hang AJ from the cord like a human pinata. That’s f*cking awesome. Konnan canes AJ, who bleeds from the mouth as LAX batter him and Daniels when he climbs back in.
– A musical video package set to the song “Fighter” builds up the lineup for this Sunday’s No Surrender to close the show.
Afterthoughts: I thought this was a great go-home show for the PPV as it really pushed Joe/Jarrett, Christian/Rhino, and the Ultimate X hard, along with some attention paid to the X Title bout and the battle royal. Throw in three entertaining TV matches and that was a damn good hour. No Surrender should be an incredible PPV and I’m excited for the future of TNA. Let’s hope I’m not disappointed. I’ll be back on Sunday with my PPV predictions, so thanks for reading and see you in the future.
