Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
Well, Jay-Z and I finally have something in common, and although I wish it were that we’ve both nailed Beyoncé, I’m content with this, in that we both announced our retirements and decided to come back shortly thereafter. This whole year has been a mess for the column, as I went on LOA earlier in the year due to personal bollocks, and brought the column back for a short stint before replacing it with a new monthly column that got deep-sixed after one edition. I’d prefer not to ever mention that one again, as it was a failed brand. I figured that since I’ve got a lot more time now than I did when I decided to end The Saturday Swindle Sheet, and that was the main reason why I couldn’t do it for most of the summer. Plus, I think it’s great fit for MachineGunFunk.com.
That said, when I informed Widro that I’d be bringing The Saturday Swindle Sheet back, he was a bit weary of having a long-form column amid the newer, blog-style format that most of my peers are doing. I told him that I didn’t want to break the column up among the days, but that I would accommodate the situation by dropping all of the segments except the news. In addition, I’ve picked up some great talent to work as EXCLUSIVE correspondents for future editions of The Saturday Swindle Sheet (with two of them debuting this week). Widro was pleased, and with that… a new era is born. You are witnessing something incredibly historic in this, the very first Saturday Swindle Sheet to appear on MachineGunFunk.com. One day, you’ll tell your grandkids that you were here to see this; that you remember it like it was yesterday. They won’t believe you, but in your heart, you’ll know you were here.
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Back to Jay-Z, in case you hadn’t heard, he recently decided that his gigantic ego just couldn’t handle being out of the music spotlight any longer (as if f*cking Beyoncé and running Def Jam wasn’t enough), so he made the announcement this week that he would be ending his 3-year retirement by releasing a new album. After teasing a comeback for months, Hov told Entertainment Weekly that it had been “the worst retirement in history”, even though he had been performing on tour and in cameos for other artists’ albums (think of it as a Master P retirement, but with much less suck). Kingdom Come, which Hov said will be released by the end of fall, will have the predictable shitload of guest collaborators, including Dr. Dre, Kanye West, Timbaland, and Coldplay lead singer Chris Martin, who will produce and lend vocals to a track. Jeremy Botter will rate a 9.5, and Gloomchen’s head will explode. Shawn M. Smith will pick up the pieces and store them in his fridge, in a special pickle jar filled with brine, labeled “HEAD PIECES! MY LOVE”.
Robbie Williams, who is inexplicably HUGE in the UK, canceled several Asian dates on his “Close Encounters” tour due to exhaustion and possible “health concerns”. A representative for the singer told the Shanghai Daily that “the stress and exhaustion of the Asian tour, coming so shortly after the end of the European and South American dates, would seriously impact his health.” However, The Saturday Swindle Sheet is a bit skeptical of this explanation, as special super-secret sources have told us that a week before the announcement to cancel the Asian tour was made, Williams had quoted Byzantine Emperor Nikephoros I during a concert, who had said in 809 AD that Asian people are “a bunch of lousy choads who are almost as irritating as that damned Krum of Bulgaria.”
The 2006 American Music Awards ceremony will take place on Nov. 21 at the Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, and will be brought to you by ABC. When nominees were announced on Tuesday, Mariah Carey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Black Eyed Peas, and Nickelback each received three, while others names being thrown around are Kanye West, Mary J. Blige, Rascal Flatts, T.I., Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood, and Pussycat Dolls. I’ve taken a moment to let it sink in that this is supposedly the best that the music industry could do all year, and now I’m ready to take a dump on my neighbor’s front lawn. Be right back…
The Killers are currently filming the video for “Bones”, the second single off of their new album, Sam’s Town, which is slated for an Oct. 3 release. The video is being directed by Tim Burton, and will reportedly feature animated skeletons pretending to be Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.
John Mayer has new album out this week, titled Continuum, which stays consistent with the groundwork laid in last year’s more bluesy, guitar-centric live album, Try!. I may or may not be reviewing this in the weeks to come, but I’m certainly interested in the change of direction. In more amusing John Mayer-related news, reports are saying that he recently dumped Jessica Simpson after supposedly dating for two weeks or something ridiculous like that. Many reasons are being thrown around, from Mayer getting sick of Simpson saying too many stupid things every time she opens her mouth, to members of her entourage revealing intimate details about their relationship to the tabloids. My hypothesis as to why Mayer dumped her so quickly is best exemplified in this clip.
The guy who played the saxophone solo and yelled “Tequila!” on the 1957 Champs song of the same name (which you probably first heard in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure), has died. Danny Flores was being treated at Huntington Beach Hospital in Huntington Beach, Calif., for complication from pneumonia, when he died. He was 77. In an unrelated story, MSNBC.com, has posted a story with the headline, “Who wins doesn’t matter at the VMAs”, and I love shoot headlines that aren’t supposed to be shoot headlines.
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers played their first show in Gainesville, Fla. (hometown to Petty, as well as guitarist Mike Campbell and keyboard player Benmont Tench), in over 13 years, on Thursday night, at the O’Connell Center at the University of Florida, where Tom Petty used to be a groundskeeper. Earlier in the day, Mayor Pegeen Hanrahan had declared Sept. 21 to be Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers Day, and then presented each band member with a key to the city. When reporters asked Petty how it felt to hold a key to the city of Gainesville, he said that “it’s a lot nicer than the one we got in Chicago.” Fuck you, Tom Petty, seriously. We’re suffering enough since the White Sox fallout; we don’t need you badmouthing the key to our city. The next time you play at the UIC Pavilion, you’d better watch it, because you’re going to see more vengeful Asians than a Robbie Williams effigy.
Drummer Bill Berry reunited with R.E.M. last Saturday for a special performance in Atlanta, to mark the band’s induction into the Georgia Music Hall of Fame. Berry was forced to leave R.E.M. in 1995 after he collapsed onstage from what was later diagnosed as a brain aneurysm. The band has since been touring and recording with various drummers in lieu of Berry, but never went as far as to name an official replacement.
Three 6 Mafia has signed a deal with MTV to star in Adventures in Hollywood, a reality television show that will follow DJ Paul, Juicy J, Project Pat, and other untalented hacks as they stumble around the streets of Hollywood in what is being touted as a “comedic” reality series. This, of course, means that their music will play a huge role in the program. Hey, that’s all I’ve got. Greg Wind insisted that I cover this.
The Highland nightclub in Hollywood decided to cancel a scheduled performance by dancehall singer Buju Banton, after receiving phone calls and e-mails from gay rights activists who cited that Banton’s music contain violent lyrics that are directed at gays and lesbians. According to the Los Angeles Times, the nightclub’s management did some research on Banton and subsequently decided that it would be in their best interest to cancel the show.
Trick Daddy (who love the kids, by the way) recently squashed rumors that he’s feuding with fellow rapper Rick Ross, saying that inflammatory lyrics in his new single, supposedly directed at Ross, were more directed towards the current Southern rap scene. Trick said that Southern rap has gotten way too predictable and pretty much sucks as a whole. Well, I do agree with Trick here, and that doesn’t happen very often, because I happen to hate the kids.
JT just an MJ-wannabe?
By Tom Cocozza
According to various sources, including Rolling Stone magazine and MTV, there is a collaboration brewing between three not so disparate parties. Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Duran Duran are planning to work together in an attempt to, amongst other things, get you to buy their music. Now, Justin Timberlake, or “JT”, as pubescent girls everywhere call him, has been working with producer extraordinaire Timbaland for a while, and most people credit the R&B producer for Justin’s album debuting at number one (understandably so, since the lyrics and most of the vocals really aren’t that impressive. While I’m off the subject, does anyone else notice that Justin Timberlake is really, really trying to be the next Michael Jackson? He’s got the best producers and techniques making his songs, he’s doing R&B dance songs with sexual lyrics, acting like he’s tough while appearing to men as the opposite of macho, and seems to rely a lot on falsetto. I wonder if he’s going to start dying his skin darker to approach Michael the other way? Let’s just hope he stays away from the kids, because let’s face it, the guy also looks like he may be a closet child molester. It’s the shaved head and the hooded sweatshirts. Why the collaboration? Timbaland wants to expand from R&B and rap to rock and pop, and obviously Justin has a thing for eighties stars. Really, they could do worse than Duran Duran. The band has roughly 700 top ten singles, they inspired countless imitators of their sound, some quite successful in their own right (anyone from Tears for Fears to The Killers), and they’re named after a character in a Jane Fonda sex/sci-fi movie, which really doesn’t mean anything, but is an interesting factoid for all of you out there. “JT” has been wanting to work with Duran Duran for three years, but had his first offer of collaboration rejected so Duran Duran could make their first album in twenty years with the original lineup of the band. Once that was accomplished and did nothing, they jumped at the chance to collaborate with people who are still famous and successful. Apparently there was a bit of confusion when they thought “JT” was talking about collaborating with them and a pair of boots, but all that was straightened out, and they’ve already started preliminary work on the track, which will be included on Duran Duran’s next album.
Just an aside, it says something when one of the most successful bands in the eighties and one of the most successful stars of the last ten years are going to collaborate on a track that’s years in the making, and the guy who’s getting a majority of the press and will probably be credited with most of whatever success it garners is the producer. But then again, people have compared Timbaland with producers like Phil Spector, and that’s a pretty heady comparison, and not at all inaccurate. If you don’t know who Phil Spector is, well, that’s unfortunate. Luckily, you’re already on the internet. When you’re done perusing the rest of Inside Pulse, you could go check it out. Or, I guess you could e-mail me.
Thoughts on Inside Pulse v3, Paris Hilton
By Trevor Presiloski
In what can only be indicative of a massive conspiracy of the entire Inside Pulse organization, I come to you with a story of such importance, of such magnitude, that it should be getting round the clock coverage on this site. Gloomchen should be mashing the F5 button on her keyboard scouring MTV.com for new information on this story. However, ever since Inside Pulse has decided to sell out, with this version 3.0 nonsense, there’s been a significant lack of focus on the Truth.
Well, don’t worry, because I’m here. In this day and age where the RIAA sues anyone at the drop of the hat, Microsoft and Apple are collaborating on new ways to screw people with their DRM bullshit and Muchmusic is anything but, I’ll be providing you the news that matters. The news that Jeff is too scared to cover, that Widro thinks is too controversial.
That said, Paris Hilton was MAKING OUT WITH TRAVIS BARKER FROM BLINK 182. Holy SHIT! I can’t believe he’s with HER. Travis is such a CUTIE. Don’t worry! I’ll be updating my MySpace profile with a petition to make sure that Travis only dates GOOD people. Jeff, Jeff! We need to get down to brass tacks on this! Jeff! Do you hear me? We need to confirm that Barker was whispering into Hilton’s ear, we NEED to know that he was caressing her shoulders, possibly her neck. The PUBLIC HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW IF PARIS AND TRAVIS WERE KISSING. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! JEFF! JEFF! I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Representatives for Michael Jackson recently dispelled rumors that he was planning to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars to open a leprechaun theme park in Ireland, as initially reported by the Irish Daily Mirror. The unnamed representative told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that the story which said Jackson “loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and the myths of Ireland” was completely false, unless said leprechauns have their bodies completely shaven and speak in high, prepubescent voices.
Cheers
-JF2k6!
