The Gospel of Wrestling: According to Matthew

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HE’S BAAAAAAAAACK!

Hello from the old Pacific Northwest! Lot’s to talk about this week and no time to do it, so let’s get moving.

I Will Not Surrender and Order TNA’s PPV!

I’m getting really really tired of TNA. I think I might have mentioned that somewhere along the line already.

Maybe the return of Vinnie Ru will make a difference, but I doubt it. Oddly enough, alot of my distaste of TNA comes from the show running from the same damned arena at Universal Studios in Florida. Whether it’s Impact or a PPV like this Sunday’s No Surrender it’s always the same thing.

And Jarrett! If I have to keep watching that dumb f*ck carry around the COVETED NWA Title while dressing like Chris Kanyon’s plaything, I’m going to quit watching wrestling! Well, actually that’s about as likely to happen as me quitting smoking in the near future so I digress.

So for fan’s like myself that hate Jeff Jarrett just for being Jeff Jarrett, the main event of Sunday’s so called exstravganza will be Jarrett versus THE MAN Samoa Joe in a BULLSHIT non-title match and of course the fans will be at ringside acting as the Lumberjacks. I have to admit, this is a new concept and it does intrigue me. They really need to pull the trigger on Joe as Champion and soon. Will it be at Bound for Glory or will it happen ever?! These questions and more are being left up to Vince Russo now. God, help us all.

Vinnie shouldn’t actually suck that bad, I’m trying to remain optimistic as always. If he and Cornette ever have some on-screen promos I’ll be wetting my pants!

Dixie Carter announced earlier this week some sort of HUGE EARTH SHATTERING announcement to be made at the PPV. We’re all sort of wondering if it’s already been leaked with all the Russo talk making the rounds. I for one am praying they announce a new Monday night time slot opposite RAW. It’s been almost ten years since the FIRST MONDAY NIGHT WAR, so how’s about WRESTLING WAR II?! Could be that or maybe they’ll finally publically announce how big of a douchebag Jeff Jarrett is and strip him of the NWA title, kick his ass back to Nashville and CROWN someone cool as the champion. Hey, someone like…Kurt Angle?

Nah. Botter says he’s going to MMA now. So let’s all believe that for a while until the truth comes out…

Nothing much else on the TNA PPV is really grabbing my attention. Christian v. Rhyno will be alright, if not HeAT worhy in it’s meaninglessness. And then you have the NWA Tag Titles being defended. The tag division in TNA is the best in the business right now, which actually isn’t saying too much. I’m looking ahead to the return of 3D and some of the matches they’ll have with LAX and Styles/Daniels.

Enjoy the PPV though people. If Widro paid me, or any of us writers, I would order it and then claim it on my taxes as something work related. Alas, I’m not that lucky. Life would be SO much easier, though.

Gettin’ RAW/EC-DUB

The 6 Pack Challenge match in the middle of the show was the highlight for me, even if Nitro retained. Lot’s of good talent in the mid-card right now but nowhere for them to go. And where in the f*ck is Davey Boy’s kid at? We’ve been waiting forever for young Harry’s debut.

I was totally thinking Trip and HBK were going to turn on Cena at the end of the show, but f*ck no they didn’t. I’d kinda like to see a HBK-Cena match with some neat stips involved.

Glad to see Trish have a nice exit from the company. I’m one of many who believes she’ll be back again someday. She was great, wasn’t she?

Sounds like Unforgiven was really good. Gotta love the keen editing by WWE on the highlight commerical the day after a PPV. I mean, c’mon guys! At least let me SEE Edge crash through the tables! I’m waiting for the DVD and then and only then will I enjoy the greatness that was Edge v. Cena in a TLC match. Really tho, I can’t see it exceeding Edge’s work against Foley earlier this year at Wrestlemania 22 but who knows? And McMahons v. DX looked BRUTAL!

ECW had another good eppy this week. Again, I enjoyed CM Punk laying waste to that horrible excuse for a professional wrestler in Shannon Moore and the chemistry between RVD and King Booker made for a nice match for those two. They’ve totally buried RVD, at least in my eyes, by sticking jim in this meaningless mid-card fiasco with Bob Holly. Punishment is a BITCH!

Hogan’s BACK, Brother!

The Hulkster was on the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show Thursday and was actually live from Vince McMahon’s office in Stanford. Apparently Vince was late for a meeting with Hogan. Since Brooke’s CD is dropping next week Hulk is most likely going to be coming back to drum up record sales and all that crap. Kinda like killing two birds with one stone for Hogan, I guess. Hogan may work Survivor Series and the Royal Rumble and one would then think Wrestlemania 23 in Detroit. So basically, I have to question if Hulk Hogan is coming back for one last full-time run? Are we going to have to endure another Hogan World title run? I mean, enough is ENOUGH!

But with the upcoming release of his DVD set, and the fact that business could be misconstrued as being down, a return of Hulkamania may be just the poison WWE needs right now. It’s not what I need. But the bigger picture is what the E is looking at.

Hogan will come out, do his posing, say his catchphrases, sell some PPV’s and in turn sell some Brooke Hogan CD’s, make a buttload of money – more than ANY OF US will make this year – and then hopefully he’ll FINALLY retire for good and crawl back into the Osama like rathole he came from.

Until Nick has a new project to promote.

NEWSFLASH!! JBL STAYING WITH WWE

So we almost lost JBL. That would’ve sucked. He’s a smart man, that Layfield is. Probably got more money to stay too. And use of the personal jet. Well, he has been with the company forever now, so I say good for him. This story is breaking all over the place, so check it out.

Other Shit to Fill Up Your Brains With

The Boogeyman was released this week. Suprisingly Katie Couric did not report on it. No, really who cares about Boogey? It was a stupid, if not slightly entertaining gimmick for a minute. Let’s move on. No tears to shed on this one.

WWE re-hired some oldies, but goodies this week too! Marty Jannetty, Rodney Mack and even TOO COLD SCORPIO got contracts. Another Armstrong boy got signed too. The only person who might matter long term is Scorpio, who I’d bet still has some fire left in him. Plus, Vince owns ALL THE WCW footage from his years there and if Scorpio can get over with the current fanbase, then a DVD could be in our future. Would it be called The Best of Flash Funk? And good GAWD, please Vince, call him Scorpio or something DO NOT bring back Flash. Please. Please! Could you imagine RAW in a couple months? Henry Godwinn vs. Flash Funk?! WWE sure is making some interesting re-hires to say the least.

What about a Greatest WCW Superstars DVD? With matches from dudes like Scorpio, Sting, Dustin Rhodes, Arn Anderson, Johnny B. Badd, Vader, and everyone’s ALL TIME FAVORITE(lol), Bunkhouse Buck. You’re damn f*cking right it would be cool. I’m fiending for some compilations of WCW circa 89-94. Anything PRE-HOGAN.

Ha! There’s a big ass ad for “The Rock” Dwayne Johnson’s next flick Spyhunter all over the TNA website. Cross-promoting’s never been so fun!

And I’m really supposed to believe that the WWE and TNA are in no way connected behind the scenes, eh? I call BS. Big time.

LOVED The Office this week! What a great season premiere and now we as viewers are left wondering if Jim and Pam will ever end up together?! If you missed the episode, then you’re obviously not a fan. Just a wonderful show and I actually find myself looking forward to each episode moreso than wrestling. I may need to see a doctor about that. I wonder if Dr. John Dorian is availible?

Anyway…here’s a fun shot of my latest CELEBRITY CRUSH: Miss Jenna Fischer

And Last But Not Least

Taped Smackdown. Haven’t watched it yet, but I am getting the show again in my area so that’s one less thing to worry about. Look’s like a good show, as Taker headlined against King Booker who was very entertaining this past week on ECW.

Don’t Cry For Me Argentina

I won’t be able to do up a column next week, gonna be a little too busy. So for all ten of you who read this, keep your heads up and just know that the Gospel will be back on October 6th. Just in time to bitch and moan and then put over and revel in No Mercy

Enjoy the sexy Melina pics…someday I may just turn heel on all you and start posting nearly nude photos of Johnny Nitro…ewwww.

Vote McMahon ’08, or else!