Sorry for the lateness, but here’s my weekend: work Friday night till 7AM. Sleep for a few hours Saturday. Go back to work at 7PM and work until 7AM. Which brings us to right now. I’m pretty tired doing this right now, but I shall suffer for our readership. With a small twist.
Back in the days of the Red Stripe and News from Al, Chris Hyatte would employ a practice called “breezing”, where he’d kind of fly through the end of the show just to get it finished. It actually became a bit of a trademark for him, and it was always entertaining to read him blasting through the last ten minutes of a show.
You just might see some of that today.
I’d do some plugs here, but honestly, I haven’t had much time this week to read much of anything, save Eric’s Short Form, and gloomchen’s review of Evanescence’s new album. The truth is, I just don’t have the time that I used to, working two jobs and running a machinima production (more on that next week). So I hope I’m not offending anyone (especially the boss!) when I say “Sorry, didn’t get to it.” My recaps will be on time (more or less) but I just don’t have the time to read or watch everything that goes on in wrestling anymore. I really don’t have the interest either, but I have always had a soft spot for the SD! brand, and doing the recap keeps my writing somewhat sharp. You already know that Inside Pulse (MM — HAH!) has the best writers on the net; pick a subject and go nuts.
I’ll surely insert something if I read about it, such as the aforementioned gloomchen review. While I wasn’t terribly pleased with the previous stuff, I happen to think that “Call Me When You’re Sober” is an excellent lead-off single, and if this is any indication of what the album will be like, I’m seriously looking forward to it. I DID jokingly tell a friend that ex-Dream Theater keyboardist Derrick Sherinian had joined the band, but you’d only get that if you had heard Falling Into Infinity.
But enough about me and my silly plots of life. You want to read about what happened on the season premiere (this STILL baffles me) of Friday Night SmackDown! on the new CW? Well, here we go…
My tape usually picks up five minutes before 8PM, so I was somewhat surprised not to see the end of Malcolm in the Middle, but rather a backstage segment of King Booker having a chat with Thaddeus. Teddy tells Booker that ok, he won’t have to meet Vito tonight: he can take on the Undertaker!
Oh yah, we’ll be breezing today…
I like the new opening, but I don’t like the effect they put on the first half of the theme. Or it’s a new mix altogether. I never really cared for this theme anyway; all this nu-metal WWE keeps pushing all sounds the same to me. Anyway, we’re TAPED from Montreal…Quebec, Canada. Nah, it doesn’t have the same vibe. By the way, I just LOVE it when French Canadians come over here and speak to me in two different languages. Part of me thinks their doing it just to mess with me. Well, since it’s in Montreal (cue melodramatic music), the crowd should at least be interesting. They’re using a RAW set, so this must be the “supershow” I heard about (no, I still don’t have cable). Michale Cole welcomes us and we’re off and running with…
Jerk That Curtain, BABY! Batista and Bobby Lashley vs Finlay and Sir William Regal.
You know, it’s kind of a shame that Rico, who is the better worker and FAR less injury prone doesn’t have a job, but the big lug does. In case you didn’t know, DAVE and Rico were in OVW around the same time. Anyway, this is quite the opener here. Regal tries a cheap shot to start, but DAVE stops that right quick. DAVE and Lashley do a neat double versicle suplex — with one arm each, egging on the crowd. Ok, that was nifty. JBL name drops Ax and Smash, in a weird bit of referencing past history. Lashley takes over a shoves out mucho pain on Booker’s Court. As I typed that, Finlay tosses Lashley out, and Regal WAFFLES him with a clothesline. Finlay and Regal are just stiffing the HELL out of this kid. Maybe the camera angles help, but good grief, that looks painful.
Regal does a smart thing by kicking DAVE’s hand out of the way for the tag, but DAVE has had enough, and it’s time for a change! Dave charges Regal and gets Finlay, who was about to bop him with the shillelagh. Outside they go, and DAVE kicks Finlay’s head somewhere into the upper deck while his body goes over the rail. That was SICK. DAVE grabs the shillelagh and threatens Regal with it, letting Lashley hit the spear for the win. (**. Wasn’t technically great or anything, but it was stiff as all hell.)
Tonight: Rey vs Chavo and King Booker takes on The Undertaker! I was REALLY looking forward to Booker/Vito. We might have had potential for HHH/Taka out of this; if it were booked right, I could see the Canadian crowd getting completely behind Vito. Ah well.
Commercials.
2006 Diva Contest Winner Layla comes out to shake her groove thing. This brings out Crystal, who is all “I beg you darlin’, please,” then slaps Layla around, which turns into a roll around in the ring. Making the best of a situation, Jillian comes down and de-shirts Crystal to the delight of the crowd. She also de-shirts herself, which is a nice gesture, but doesn’t have the same impact, ya know?I think I’ll finally go insane now.
Cole and JBL talk about the upcoming Rey vs Chavo match, but that’s not enough, so let’s see a video recap! And it’s a decent one too. Too bad the angle it’s recapping completely sucks. I’m not even offended by the concept; the angle just blows very big chunks.
Commercials.
Angle Advancement Re-Match (TM Eric S.): Gregory Helms vs Matt Hardy.
Well, it’d be hard NOT to be the longest running champion if you don’t ever, you know, defend the title. You know why Honky Tonk was the best IC champ? Because he never ducked anyone. Oh sure, he cheated to win (like any good heel) but at least he defended the title. Matt has on his “pissed” face. Oooo, scary. Cut and paste last weeks recap, and you pretty much have this match, except Helms HITS the neckbreaker nicely this time. I should note that while the crowd is indeed pretty hot, it’s also pretty boring thus far. Helms controls with some reverse headlockery after the initial back and forth. Hardy makes the comeback and hits a BIG Side Effect. Hardy with an eyeble and a moonsault? It gets two. In a pretty obvious spot, Matt goes for the Twist, but Helms grabs the top rope and hits the Shinning Wizard for two. Helms goes to undo the top turnbuckle pad, but the ref says no way and puts it back together. While this is happening, Helms gets his receipt for his ballshot on Matt last week, and Hardy gets the win. (*. Really boring to start, but picked up a bit at the end.)
Backstage, The Miz cuts a promo and promises to go 4-0. He also called his fans the “Miz-fits”. No, that’s what I have whenever I see this guy.
Here’s what happened at Unforgiven!
Commercials.
Howdy! It’s more from Jimmy Wang Chung, Tonight! He says he’ll debut on SD! next week from Oklahoma! I can’t wait!
Hmm, who’s winning this one, I wonder… Mike Mizzanin vs Funaki.
This is not a “Jobber” match, even though they only bring out Funaki when the want him to job. I just hate calling Funaki a jobber, because he CAN go when he needs to. Anyway, this is ALL Miz, which is a shame, because it’s making Funaki look like Steve Lombardi. And just like that, the Mizard of Oz gets the win. (DUD. I still don’t get how they’re booking him here.)
Backstage, Rey talks about how bad the Guerrero’s really are. No kidding.
Commercials. Is it me, or is this show just FLYING by tonight?
We’re back, and Cole mentions that WWE Champ John Cena is HERE tonight. This is followed by more Marine stuff. Perfect; my fast forward button has been itching to be used.
Maybe THIS will be the blowoff…nah: Chavo Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio.
They slug it out right away, but Rey gets the advantage. bit of a scary moment happens when Rey goes for a rana from the apron, but Chavo catches him and dumps them both over the guard rail. Rey looked like he hit pretty hard. Funny note: the ref (Nick Patrick) is the tallest guy in the match. I almost expect Max Mini to come running out. They’re brawling outside in the crowd now, but Nick can’t muster the strength to get them back into the ring. Rey an Chavo keep trading blows outside, until Rey gets a seated senton from the outside. Rey wails Chavo into the boards several times as Cole says something about the match being over. They finally head back to ringside, and Nick is still trying to separate them. Chavo makes it back in, so Vicki passes him a chair. But before Chavo can use it, Rey hits a missile dropkick from the top rope. Nick finally calls for more help and the crowd just SHITS all over this. And rightfully so. (No rating — So, SD! is the flagship show of the CW because of bait and switch? That’s twice in one night.)
Up next, Triple Threat Tag Team Championship!
Commercials. Ok, the Nike commercial. Just WHY was Jimmy Johnson needed for a cameo in this?
WWE Tag Team Championship — Triple Threat Rules: Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs The Pitbulls vs Idol Stevens and KC James.
Idol and KC don’t even get their introduction before the Pitbulls and London and Kendrick start going at it. Kendrick gets worked over as Idol and KC jump in. Kendrick takes a whip but backdrops Noble. Forearms for KC AND Noble, followed by a reverse ghetto blaster on Noble. KC takes over and tags in Idol. They double team Kendrick for a minute and Idol gets two. Noble is back in, so he and Idol pair up. Noble knocks Idol around, the nails London off the apron as Kendrick was going for a tag. Pretty smart move there. Kash gets tagged in a he works over Idol with some knees for two. HHH would be proud. Kash chops the HOLY HECK out of Kendrick, but Idol caught him napping and gets a quick roll up for two. KC is tagged back in, and he tussles with Kash while preventing Kendrick from getting the tag.
Idol gets back in, but Kash makes a tag to Noble and he too keeps Kendrick from getting the tag. Noble and Idol tussle some more when Idol goes for a cheap shot on London but misses, leaving Kendrick to dropkick Idol and counter a belly to back attempt by Noble into a crossbody. No cover though. Noble charges at Kendrick and crotches himself on the middle rope and Kendrick finally makes the tag. London cleans house on everything that moves, but the Pitbulls break up the cover. McCool distracts the ref so Kash can hit a brainbuster on London. Kendrick comes back in and hits the reverse tornado DDT, but he gets a NASTY knee to the back by Idol. That looked like a slightly botched spot. Idol goes for the cover on the now dead London, but Noble breaks it up. Idol gets sent shoulder first into the STEEL post leaving Noble alone with London. Noble is going for the tiger driver, but it gets blocked and turned around. Noble goes for a rollup, but KC dives in for a clothesline, which allows London to roll through for the three. (** 1/2. Got really good at the end, and the match told a (short) story. I’m drooling at the possibility of these three teams getting 20 minutes at No Mercy.)
Sylvester Terkay has one thing to say: he is Sylvester Terkay.
That was SO insightful. Although I have to say, even if they suck, the little promos from all these people is semi-decent idea. The execution is off, but the idea is sound.
Commercials. Former Buffalo Bill Steve Tasker sold his soul to West Herr New York (auto dealer). This has been going around a lot recently…
Sylvan comes out to a hero’s welcome. But he has a French challenge! I have NO idea what he’s saying here. If anyone wants to translate, feel free to send it in.
It’s BIZZARO WOLRD! Oh wait, it’s just Canada: Sylvan vs Tatanka.
Tatanka gets the Shawn Michaels treatment here, getting booed for EVERYTHING he does. He works over Sylvan’s back as a HUGE “Lets go Sylvan” chant starts up. Whip in, and Sylvan tries to t-bone Tatanka, but he can’t get him up, so he settles for what Cole calls a “modified spinebuster.” To our new readers, anything with “modified” in front of it is announcer speak for he f**ked up. Of course, the crowd cheers like he’s the return of Bret anyway. I used to think my grandfather was joking when he said we put stuff in Niagara Falls to make the Canadians crazy, but it’s not sounding so far fetched now. Sylvan hits the Bob Holly drop kick and the crowd goes wild. No, really, they did. Sylvan with a spinning side slam only gets two. Sylvan tosses him outside as JBL brings up the yearly Survivor Series reference. Get over it my ass. Stop bringing it up, tards. Tatanka is back up on the apron, and in a finish almost ripped off from Vito/Regal last week, Tatanka sunset flips over, but Sylvan drops down and grabs the ropes to get the three. (*. Stop the presses: Tatanka carried a match. Yah, I’m shocked too. It wasn’t great, but the heat for Sylvan was pretty impressive.)
Still to come: King Booker vs The Undertaker!
Commercials. That WWE Championship DVD set look pretty friggin’ sweet.
Backstage, Teddy Long is looking over some paperwork when John Cena. They have a nice little mutual appreciation fest, before stetting up the main event of next week: Booker T, Finlay and Regal vs Cena, Batista and Lashley. Actually, that could be pretty good.
No Mercy promos — just added — Batista vs Finlay, along with King Booker vs Lashley, Rey vs Chavo (ARGHHHH!) and Undertaker vs Kennedy. I MIGHT do a rant for the show, but if I do, it’ll be a few days late, as I’ll have to get a tape of the show from a friend.
Speaking of Kennedy, he comes to join us as we get ready for…
Commercials.
Non Title Main Event: King Booker vs The Undertaker.
I’ve really missed that forehead. Oh wait, no I haven’t. Since it’s a main event, I feel somewhat obligated to at least TRY to recap this decently, so again, I suffer for YOU. Thank me later. Kennedy is guest announcing this match, and does a really good job of projecting uncertainty and even a bit of fear as a set up for their match at No Mercy. They stall a bit as Booker tries to get in a few shots. Booker finally hits a right, but Taker blinds him with the glare of his head, so Booker rolls out of the ring and Taker follows. Back in, and Booker gets the advantage. HE BE CLUBBERIN TONY, CLUBBERIN! A whip is reversed by Taker, so Booker kicks him in the face. Taker no sells it and clotheslines Booker to the outside. Taker is in the driver’s seat, but it’s time to head to our last set of…
Commercials.
This is all Taker, working the arm. He goes for old-school (why is that called that, anyway?) but Booker blocks and goes for a superplex. Taker blocks THAT, so Sharmel gets on the apron to cause trouble. The ref is distracted, so Booker hits a low blow and finally nails the superplex. It gets all punchy-kicky here, with Booker getting a few near falls. Taker does the Zombie sit up after a DDT, and I think you all know what happens here. Booker misses the high kick, but Taker hits the flying clothesline, and yes Ethel, that IS a comeback spot. Taker hits the snake eyes, big boot and leg drop, but only gets two. Taker goes for the chokeslam, but Booker fights out, hitting his back leg front kick. Ok, I know, it’s leg front back kick. Or something. Whatever it is, it only gets two. Booker is going for a tombstone, but unless you’re Kane, this ALWAYS goes badly. Sure enough, Taker reverses, but Booker shimmies out and hits a low blow to draw the DQ. (* 1/2. Bleh. Booker tried, but c’mon, it’s the UNDERTAKER. What did you expect?)
Post match, King Booker CROWNS Taker with the belt and gets the heck out of Dodge. Or in this case, Canada. But Lashley stops him from getting away, and tosses him back into the ring. Chokeslam, Tombstone, stare at Kennedy, blue lights, BUT WE’RE OUT OF TIME-
The Inside Pulse
Ugh, that was NOT a good way to start off on the new network. The opening match was passable because of it’s sheer stiffness, and the tag match was pretty good, but everything else was GARBAGE. Hopefully, things will go better next week.
Until then, SMACK THIS!
