The reality of realism.
Fans of professional wrestling willingly suspend their disbelief going in, much the same way you do when you watch superhero movies, science fiction shows, horror flix, and many other forms of entertainment. If you were to view them with a scornful eye, you’d poke so many holes in them that you’d ruin the experience of watching to begin with.
For years, my counter-argument to the “wrestling is fake” chide has been, “So is Lethal Weapon, but I still enjoy it!” I know Gibson and Glover didn’t actually take down an entire crime syndicate by themselves, all the while operating outside the rules and being on the outs with superiors in the police department. But the movie is fun, so I allow myself to get sucked in a bit, for the sake of entertainment.
TODAY’S ISSUE: Realism
I enjoy pro wrestling. I love the concept of giving two competitors a simple, rational reason to want to battle, then watching them go at it in the ring. I like mat grapplers. I like high flyers. I like strikers and MMA-type fighters.
I like the overblown personalities of guys like Ric Flair, The Rock, Chris Jericho, Christian Cage, Edge, Randy Orton, Mr. Kennedy, Gregory Helms, and Johnny Nitro, just as much as I like no-nonsense machines like Bret Hart, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Arn Anderson, Dave Finlay, Samoa Joe, and Bobby Lashley.
I love when the underdog wins the big one. I love a technical exhibition of wrestling skill. I love incredible moves like Petey Williams’ Canadian Destroyer.
I appreciate innovation between the ropes, because otherwise it’s too guys hitting each other with fake punches. I love storytelling in the ring, and creative approaches to familiar themes. I love the emotion of a big match, when two wrestlers have perfect chemistry together.
I love underdogs like Rey Mysterio and Chris Sabin defeating men who are bigger and stronger than them. I love hot tag team matches, working the familiar formula without making it feel done-to-death. I love managers who get a storyline over in a two-minute promo, and make you hate their charge far more than the guy could ever make you hate him on his own.
There are things, however, about being a pro wrestling fan that wear me out, make me crazy, or make me want to change the channel (which is the worst offense a wrestling show can perpetrate on a longtime, dedicated fan like me). Certain unrealistic and unbelievable people, places, and things take away from my enjoyment of the product, and make it hard to watch from time to time. Such as:
Supernatural characters like Kane and the Undertaker. For the life of me, I can’t fathom why an undead zombie monster with mystical powers would care about a wrestling championship. I won’t even get started with the Boogeyman, although at least WWE killed that gimmick. Unfortunately, they released the performer as well, and I do feel a bit badly for Marty Wright. All he did was the best job he could with a shitty assignment he got from his boss, a challenge many of us have faced at our own place of employment. I don’t believe Wright is to blame for the failure of his ridiculous character to accomplish whatever it was Vince McMahon hoped it would. Wright should have been repackaged as, oh I don’t know, maybe a wrestler, instead of an urban legend.
Psychotic wrestlers. Take a look at TNA’s Abyss. Whatever his problems are, he clearly can’t function in normal society. He might not be full on psychotic, but he clearly has issues. So how does he always wind up in Orlando when the television tapes are rolling? Why does he only attack wrestlers he’s programmed against, instead of just being a whirling dervish backstage? He was alone for years, so don’t tell me James Mitchell takes care of him, either. That goes for a lot of other psycho characters through the years, like Norman the Lunatic, Nailz, The Berzerker, and the original Mankind, as well.
Gay wrestling characters. Take it easy and hear me out first. The thing about these characters I despise is how they are painted as so over-the-top and outlandish that they become caricatures, not characters. Look at Rico the stylist, Billy and Chuck (I know, they turned out NOT to be gay), Goldust (was he or wasn’t he? I don’t remember anymore”¦), Lenny and Lodi, Kwee Wee, and possibly Leaping Lanny Poffo. Gay characters are always portrayed in such a close-minded, disrespectful, homophobic fashion that it reveals boatloads about the insecurities and offensive beliefs of the promoters.
Obviously implausible maneuvers. Certain moves, like the slingshot, with one wrestler launching the other off his back and through the air or the often-used Irish whip into the ropes (it would seem the victim could simply stop running) are a bit too far fetched for my taste. And just once, I’d love to see a wrestler sell a physically intense match by wearing a cast on his hand at the next show instead of the obligatory forehead bandage. I mean, how do all these guys avoid breaking their hands on the heads of their opponents? They punch each other at least 27 times per match.
Referee bumps (or more specifically, too easy and too many of them). OK, I realize that once in a while, it might help sell the wild, chaotic madness of a great brawl to have that third man get caught up in it and accidentally injured. But in that case, you’d have to save ref bumps for special occasions, and a second referee should come out immediately to take over for his fallen comrade. Just imagine if a pro boxer slipped and clocked the ref in his melon. The two fighters would immediately stop punching each other. Not in pro wrestling.
Not to mention that most referees seem to have jaws made not of glass but tissue paper. How hard do you have to get rammed in the shoulder for it to KNOCK YOU OUT? It’s such a lazy, overused booking shortcut. I wish promoters would come up with some new way for heels to cheat, or faces to seem like they should win, if only the ref wasn’t out cold.
Lack of long-term selling for a “devastating” injury. Nothing irks me worse than a wrestler showing up two weeks after some horrifying event, looking none the worse for wear. I’ve had bruises that last longer than the effects of car crashes and broken bones in the weird world of pro wrestling.
There are many other unrealistic things that annoy me in professional wrestling, like over-the-top storylines, devaluing or demeaning championships, stupid humor and immature sexual themes, clichés like evil authority figures, bizarre weapons usage (like HHH’s sledgehammer NOT being swung like a hammer – the only use for such a weapon that would make any sense), and stipulations that don’t mean what they should.
Still, for all this nonsense we fans must endure, we sometimes earn some great moments via our loyalty to the product. Trish winning the women’s championship in her hometown, on her last night with the company, was just such a moment. As was the very real hug between Chris Benoit and the late Eddie Guerrero in the middle of the ring at WrestleMania XX in Madison Square Garden.
We also get some great matches, like anything from the Bret Hart/Owen Hart feud in 1994, or anything from the Ric Flair/Ricky Steamboat saga. There are hundreds of great moments, but it’s too bad we fans have to endure all the other unrealistic nonsense along the way.
Shifiting gears, let’s take a look at how my collegues and I fared in predicting the winners at TNA’s No Surrender pay-per-view Sunday night.
IP Staff Rasslin Roundtable Results
Matthew Michaels Roundtable Champion!
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 7-1
Total: 14-7
Joel Geraghty
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 6-2
Total: 10-5
Eric Szulczewski
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 5-3
Total: 12-9
Vinny Truncellito
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 4-4
Total: 13-8
Danny Wallace
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 3-2 (submitted picks prior to addition of 3 last-minute matches)
Total: 11-7
Iain Burnside
TNA No Surrender (24 Sep 06): 2-6
Total: 6-9
We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.
p.s. — The job title “bouncer” makes me think of somebody who works on a trampoline.
