Evening folks. It’s wrestling night (even though many more of you are probably watching the Saints/Falcons game). I’m Tom Pandich and I’ll be keeping you up to date on all of the Raw happenings.
As a quickie aside, Kurt Angle will supposedly be dead in a few years because he’s been hired by TNA when he needs to rest. Here’s three things most people haven’t considered.
1. He’s not on the road as almost every show is out of Orlando. That keeps him around friends who know him and allows him to have a real “home” so to speak.
2. Jeff Hardy. Hardy f*cked up with TNA a few times, but none of it was drug related. Even though Hardy missed a few shows here and there, TNA showed that Hardy was hungry and allowed him to clean up his act.
3. Kurt will be top guy with new talent. No longer will he be worried about Triple H, Vince, Shawn, and whoever else occupying every spot on Mt. Perpetually Over. Instead there’s one guy, Jeff Jarrett, to get over. Double J will put over Kurt more then he put over Christian simply because Kurt is one of the five biggest names in pro wrestling today of those still in active competition. Jarrett wants himself to stay over, but he also wants to beat Vince more then anything. Because of this, Kurt will be able to mellow out as he won’t necessarily need to politic his way against the boss’ son.
Alright, rant over. We’re live from Oklahoma City tonight. Keep it here for all the Rawness. Fireworks and we’re off. Man, I really should have peed ahead of time. The lights stay off and apparently Jerry is really freaked out. They pop the spot light on Lillian who’s microphone is dead. Currently the commentators microphones are working and the PAs are working too. Candice Michelle comes down and apparently this is round one of the women’s championship tournament.
Candice Michelle vs Lita: Titantron is dead too
Lita gets a wired microphone to stall as the light is turning on. The microphone might be working for the crowd, but it might not be. It’s working for the home audience. Anywho, Lita introduces Edge as the special guest referee. Edge checks Candice Michelle and then searches Lita in a much more promiscuous way.
Edge spears Candice Michelle before the match even starts. Well that was painless.
John Cena hits the ring and sends Edge out. Anywho, lights aren’t on yet. DX is going against three different teams tonight in a Gauntlet match. Johhny Nitro and Kane are also having a match for the IC Title next.
We’re back and everything is working again. Cena said that Edge knocked out the power to run from Cena. Edge comes out and says that Cena will next be claiming that he’s the reason the power came back on. Cena shrugs that off and wants to fight Edge tonight for the title. The crowd is 100% behind Cena as apparently he saved the WWE’s ass tonight. Edge wants to go off and celebrate Lita’s victory. Cena comes out and is ON FIRE!!! He compares Lita to a football field, 11 guys trying to score at one time, and a well treaded red end zone. 10 bucks and bus fair will get anyone in the arena with Lita (though it’s not worth the medical bills from the anal lice). He even has a shout out for JR and Toby Keith.
Anywho, Lita says that she’s a human being with feelings. Lita says everyone is a better wrestler then Cena. Cena says he could beat her blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back. Edge accepts that match on behalf of Lita. Tonight, it’ll be Lita against John Cena with one hand tied behind his back.
The WWE was in Mexico. They found someone who could speak English too! They love Super Crazy. Wow. John Cena gets the last word, obviously.
Kane vs Johnny Nitro: Intercontinental Title Match
I’d like to see Kane win this. Of course he won’t simply because Umaga will interfere. Ah well. nM has the most annoying music ever. I really hope the WWE puts out a new album simply so they can rescore it. Melina’s ass gets flashed and she looks upset. Nitro slides in and Kane tosses him right back out again. Kane pulls him back in and it’s a sidewalk slam time. We’ve got a whole lot of Melina ass tonight as she gets tossed into the ring. Chop block drops Kane temporarily.
Apparently Umaga is banned from ring side tonight. I wonder how they’ll keep the belt on Nitro. Nitro gets dumped again, but he pops right back up on the top rope. He jumps right into Kane’s big boot. Kane has him up for a tombstone, but here’s Umaga. Chairshot. Ugh.
Winner by DQ: Kane
Umaga slams the steel steps right into Kane’s head. Ouchie.
In the back, Shawn Michaels is reading WWE Magazine. Triple H has an article. They push the magazine hard. Apparently there’s no D-Generation X merchandise in the magazine. They hamfistedly advertise their shirts that can be bought on WWE.com. Now it’s Maria time! She wonders what DX thinks about tonight’s gauntlet match. They think they’re going to win. Ok then.
If they don’t think DX is going to win, they’ve got two words for you. Maria interjects “no way”. Of course not silly Maria. Triple H whispers what it is in Maria’s ear, and Triple H almost offers a visual aid. Thankfully Shawn stops Triple H. Maria stands confused as DX departs. That’s ok though as Eugene pops in. Eugene asks Maria what’s wrong. She whispers what DX said to her to Eugene. He proceeds to pass out. Cute.
This week in wrestling history, I got a banana and missed the intro. Andre the Giant beat Gorilla Monsoon in a boxing match.
In the back, Jonathan Coachman confronts Shelton Benjamin. The two of them have a huge fight about who’s blacker. Shelton says that Dick Cheney has more soul then Coachmen. Jeff Hardy pops in says “fo shizzle mai nizzles”. The two get into a match later tonight. Coach looks pissed and looks who’s in his office! Why it’s Edge and Lita! Wow, they must be taking notes about how to have seamless transitions with some sort of magical transition spell cast above the Rabble of the audience.
The gist of it is the match will be no holds barred, but if Edge touches John Cena tonight he loses his rematch against Cena. Well this could be interesting.
Ric Flair vs Mikey: We’ve got Spirit yes we WOOOOO
Shoulder block by Mikey gets quickly reversed into a hip toss by Flair. Flair struts and Mikey gets pissed. He beats Flair down in the corner until Flair crushes Mikey with a series of chops. Flair takes Mikey down with a shoulder block only to run into a dropkick. Mikey gets a two count.
Mikey works on Flair over the corner. He hits a mean looking elbow off the second rope before slapping Flair across the face. Flair grabs Mikey’s tongue and switches position before slapping the hell out of Mikey. Mikey tries to hop off the top but runs into some trouble. Flair hits the chop block, and Nicky charges the ring from the other side. Flair dumps him across the other side of the ring, tosses a “Power of the Punch”, and gets the pin!
Winner Ric Flair
Kenny looks pissed as we go to commercial.
John Cena was on Mad TV. He did a skit with that Asian guy for The Marine. Now, it’s gauntlet time!
D-Generation X vs tons of people: Whee
This could be a really fun match if things don’t go by the numbers. Creative seems to be having fun tonight though so I could see some odd team popping up outside of the Rednecks and Fat Haas. Triple H does his spiel with a lot of enthusiasm. Triple H includes Vince McMahon who’s not here tonight. Triple H wonders where he is. Funny he should ask as we watch Shane’s neck get broken, the ass kiss, and the shattered sledgehammer. This time though, it’s not stills, it’s actual match.
Triple H had no idea Vince McMahon was such a huge fan of Chinese food because he ate the world’s biggest pupu platter. Let’s get ready to suck it. Two words. More sucking. The first team is”¦ The Highlanders! They make nice with the Highlanders. Triple H shows Robbie something in the corner. Superkick to Rory! Pinfall. It’s over!
A pedigree to Robbie is made to cap things off. Anywho, Haas and Viscera are next. Haas starts out with Triple H. Haas gets a bit of offense in before Triple H buries him. Michaels gets the tag, but gets caught in the corner. Shawn eats a few punches, but he switches things up and squashes Haas. Haas gets an eye poke and tags Vis in. Michaels hits a few clubbing blows on Viscera before King Mabel drops Shawn with the spinning sidewalk slam. Commercials.
We’re back and Haas is stretching Michaels. During the break, Michaels got squashed. Michaels fights Haas off only to be dropped. Haas takes a swing at Triple H and the ref stops him from coming in. Viscera tries to squish Shawn, but Shawn moves himself out of the way and Viscera squishes Haas. Hot tag to Triple H who runs through Viscera. Haas is up to get Pedigreed. Shawn hits a huge superkick on Viscera who is then pushed over on to Haas. Both sit on Viscera and that’s it.
Cade and Murdock are the next team to come in. It’s pretty much crap brawling until Lance Cade brings in a chair. He gets jacked up by Triple H’s chair. The ref calls for the bell before Triple H brings in a chair so we’ll just call it their win.
Winners by DQ: D-Generation X
We’re back, and Toby Keith gets introduced. Ah well. It’s a quarter past ten right? WRONG!!! It’s Cryme Tyme! Creampuff gets laid out after making a withdrawal. JR and the King try to act black. JR is Sesame Street-wise. Cute line.
Jeff Hardy vs Shelton Benjamin: Speaking of Black on Black Cryme”¦
Jeff’s tears are black. There’s something hilarious about the King advertising “fruity, fruity, fruity Skittles” with Jeff Hardy in the ring. Hardy claps things up only to get dropped. They lock up again, and Shelton hits a shoulder block. Jeff switches the momentum with a hip toss followed by an arm drag. Hardy hits a big right, and Shelton complains about that.
Hardy won’t have any of that and he hits a blockbuster. That doesn’t keep Shelton down for long as he pulls himself up by the ropes. Hardy charges and gets flipped but lands on the ropes. Shelton ducks the right and takes a beating because of it. Hardy gets tossed against the barricade. Shelton pursues and things get ugly for Hardy. Hardy eventually changes this as he hits a flying forearm. Nice. Hardy hits a Whispers in the Wind and then pops up for what looks like a Swanton. Benjamin catches him though on the top. Shelton gets pushed down and hit with a Swanton. 1, 2″¦. Foot on the rope.
Hardy measures Shelton to finish him, but the move is blocked by Shelton. Hardy ends up on the ground and Shelton is quite proud of himself. Shelton wanders over to Hardy and gets caught in a small package. Hardy wins!
Winner: Jeff Hardy
The (Raw) winning streak for Hardy continues as does the “good match” streak.
The Marine preview. Kelly Carlson eh? Whatever. Speaking of whatever, it’s Randy”¦
Randy Orton and Chris Masters vs Super Crazy and Carlito
Cyber Sunday is coming. Double ugh. No clue who they’re facing. Consider it updated after the break.
Ah yeah, it’s Super Crazy. I forgot about him. Carlito also comes out. Man, I’m tired as hell tonight. It’s been a solid Raw but I just want it to end tonight. Carlito and Masters start things off. Masters forces Carlito into the corner only to have the positions reversed to eat a giant chop. Masters then eats a drop kick. Tag to Super Crazy who hits a missile drop kick off the second rope. Crazy follows Masters into the corner, hops up on the second rope, and eats a power bomb for two. Tag to Orton and the match slooooooowwwwwwwssss down as Orton slaps on an angry headlock. Super Crazy fights up from it and uses a hurricanerana to take down Orton. Lukewarm tag to Carlito.
Carlito runs through everyone hitting everything in his arsenal. Carlito gets the pin on Masters which is broken up by Randy. Crazy pairs up with Orton and hits a drop kick on a sitting Orton after a sunset flip. Crazy goes for a moonsault but Orton dodges. Carlito is back in and Orton gets dumped. Masters tries for the Masterlock which Carlito blocks. Backcracker and it is all over.
Winners: Super Crazy and Carlito
Orton hits an RKO for good measure on Carlito at the end of the match for the hell of it.
Coach is in the ring. He introduces”¦ ERIC BISCHOFF Wow, Eric is back to plug his book. He looks well. Apparently WWE.com has said it. Eric looks like the time off has done well for him. Eric thanks the Coach, they hug, and Eric sells his book hard and long. It’s billed as the anti-Vince book aka “The Truth”. Eric takes credit for making Raw what it was, how DX is a rip off of the NWO, and how there’s no Mr. McMahon if there’s no Eric Bischoff. The Coach’s music hits cutting off Eric, and it’s Lita and Edge heading to the ring. That’s next.
Lita vs One Armed John Cena: No Holds Barred
Make your own Fugitive jokes here kids. Bell wrings and Cena is out on a line. Lita hits with a thumb to the eye followed by a low blow. A few slaps by Lita are followed by an FU. Well, that’s it.
Winner: John Cena
Unfortunately for John”¦ King Booker is here with full court. They beat down the tied up Cena. Man, I love this stable. It’s so cool. Booker T seems to really have taken to the king gimmick too. Edge looks on. The crowd is behind Cena, but he gets utterly destroyed by the heels.
King Booker has a microphone and calls Cena a rapscallion. This is officially the best Raw in months simply because of that. King Booker is going to make Cena his feet. Cena fights up but gets choked out. Axe kick puts Cena down. Finlay beats Cena with the shillelagh and Regal locks in what looks like a chicken wing on Cena. Cena’s face gets shoved into King Booker’s foot. Cena looks like he’s about to cry. How funny is that? JR to Jerry “the King” Lawler: “Booker’s no more of a King then I am”. JR also can’t remember Bobby Lashley’s name.
Edge comes into the ring to invoke his rematch clause. Cage match next week on Raw for the World Heavyweight Title. Show over.
Top to bottom, this was an entertaining show. Even with the dead lights, everything clicked tonight. All together this was an excellent show. Night folks.