MIDWEEK UPDATE
We’ve had some pretty persistent technical difficulties here at V3 last weekend. Unfortunately, it prevented me from doing the live blog on Sunday and Monday.
So, what I’m going to do is I’m going to sit down and watch some game film. I’m going to run thru the highlights on NFL.com of all the games of Week 3, and give you the rundown on what they show me.
But first, I’ll address the obvious.
TO did or did not try to kill himself yesterday. He says no, he didn’t. The Dallas police say yes, he did. The truth probably lies where it always does, somewhere in between.
Suicide is always an irreversible mistake. The only certainty we have in life is that one day, we will all get to die. Nobody is saddled with the unbearable burden of immortality. The smart choice is to ride out the short time you have on Earth, and enjoy it for what it is. I hope TO is glad today that he is alive.
As for his future, I’m taking a wild guess and saying TO is an undiagnosed bipolar who, out of embarrassment refuses to treat his disease. Lance Armstrong felt the same way about his testicular cancer, and it almost cost him his life. Last night Terrell Owens almost lost his life too. That’s pretty much the deal when you are too ashamed to get the help you need.
Ron Artest had issues with bipolar disorder when he was playing with the Bulls. It was more of a local story than a national one, because he wasn’t famous yet. The Bulls got rid of him because they were scared of him and for him.
Fortunately for Artest, he eventually chose to treat it (albeit sporadically) with medication, and has more or less managed it successfully. I hope TO chooses the same route.
If he continues to treat his problems with denial, the beast will attempt to trick him into making the ultimate mistake again. It’s pretty much guaranteed. I hope that doesn’t happen.
So, now that we’ve had that grim introduction, let’s see what happened in Week 3, courtesy of free game highlights on NFL.com.
DOLPHINS 13, TITANS 10
– Jason Taylor comes off the end and blows up Kerry Collins. Collins attempts to remedy the situation by pushing the ball forward as if to say, “Here, somebody catch it, as long as this guy doesn’t rupture my spleen.” The ball flutters like a butterfly into the waiting arms of Zach Thomas.
– Olindo Mare is straight thru your mama’s legs from 40 yards out. Nick Saban claps. Clappity clap clap.
– Collins goes play action and tight end Bo Scaife lays out for a phenomenal one handed grab in the end zone, Titans lead 7-3.
– The Dolphins are deep in Titans territory. Culpepper out of the shotgun, looks around, looking, looking, looking, dancing, looking, checking his text messages, now he tucks and runs. He scampers to the goal line, puts his shoulder down, and is in. Dolphins lead 10-7.
– Wesley Welker fields a punt, and has the ball poked right out of his arms. Uh oh. Now the Titans have it on the Miami 20. This sets up a Rob Bironas chip shot, and we’re tied at 10 late in the third quarter.
– Ronnie Brown takes a delayed handoff, and notices that he has a hole that you can drive a Sedgwick thru. He bulldozes for a 26 yard gain.
– Mare’s good from 39 yards out with just under 4 minutes left. The Dolphins have a 13-10 lead.
– 2 minutes left and the Titans have managed to get the ball into plus territory. See, that’s a little term I picked up on the inside. “Plus territory”. I’m going to be one of those football media guys that drops terms like that now to make you think I know what I’m talking about.
– Collins drops back, and throws the ball behind Drew Bennett for the inevitable interception. Travis Daniels gets hugs and kisses on the sideline, and the Dolphins finally have a win. The Titans are 0-3.
COLTS 21, JAGUARS 14
– If this were wrestling, the Jags would have the AFC belt headed into this game. The Steelers had the belt until they lost it to the Jags last week.
– Here’s Maurice Jones-Drew going around left tackle for about 30 yards. This will become a theme.
– Byron Leftwich drops back, breaks out of a Dwight Freeney tackle, then jukes into the endzone from 10 yards out to give the Jags a 7-0 lead.
– Here’s good old #10, Terrence Wilkins, breaking his 4th career punt return for a TD, this one to tie the game.
– Josh Scobee clanks one off the upright from 25 yards out. He should get 4 points for that.
– Manning to Marvin over the middle for a 40 yard pickup.
– This next play’s a doozy. Manning has literally 10 seconds to stand back there and look for receivers. Someone needs to tell the Jags linemen they don’t need to count to 10 one thousand before they can run after the quarterback. Then, Dallas Clark is open by 30 yards standing next to the pylon. There were cheerleaders better covered than he was. Manning finds him, and the Colts have the lead.
– Scobee misses another field goal. I bet the Jags bring in Donald Igwebuike for a tryout this week.
– Here’s Manning running a naked bootleg in for a TD. I can’t tell if this highlight is in slow motion or not. I think it’s actually making time move backwards.
– Leftwich hits Jones-Drew from 10 yards out to bring Jax within a touchdown.
– The Jags now have the ball with under a minute left. Leftwich tries to throw deep over the middle, but Mike Doss makes the interception. The Colts remain unbeaten, and are now in their customary place alone atop the AFC South. They now have the AFC belt.
R.I.P MOBILE ESPN
Today I get the news that as of January 1, 2007, Mobile ESPN will be going bye-bye. I’m one of what is apparently only 30,000 subscribers. I’m very disappointed by this news. Mobile ESPN was a quality product that is years ahead of its time. The plan now is apparently to have the content be offered by anothe wireless carrier. If that comes to fruition, it will no doubt be a very stripped down version of what the original service was. It’s a damn shame.
REDSKINS 31, TEXANS 15
– The play by play guy informs me that Clinton Portis will be playing in this game.
– The Texans have the all on the 1. Carr runs a play action rollout, and finds Mark Bruener in the back of the end zone for 6. The offense runs through Mark Bruener.
– Ladell Betts bounces a handoff outside and waltzes in untouched for a 10 yard TD run. Santana Moss apparently made a great block on the play. That’s great. How many fantasy points do I get for that? 10?
– Brunell finds Randle El on a swing pass, and ARE high steps it in to put the Redskins ahead. That’s like a 12 million dollar touchdown. Dan Snyder is happy now, and will blow in Tom Cruise’s ear up in the press box.
– Clinton Portis takes a draw up the middle for a 30 yard TD. What I keep noticing is that this could be two hand touch and the Redskins would still have 3 TDs in this game.
– Brunell ties Rich Gannon’s NFL record with his 21st consecutive completion. And it was actually 21 consecutive completions without the ball even hitting the ground. I know, I no believe.
– Portis punches it in from a yard out and the Redskins lead 28-7. Mario Williams has completely revitalized this Houston defense.
– Carr drops back about 27 yards in the pocket, does the happy feet routine, then puts his head down and runs, coughing the ball up at the Redskin 45.
– John Hall puts the Skins up 31-7.
– Carr hits some guy named Daniels on a 5 yard play action. Touchdown! Touchdown Houston! Let’s give Carr another 5 years!
– David Carr throws a jump ball into double coverage with a little over 2 minutes left, it’s picked off and that’s a wrap. The Redskins get win #1, while Houston is still winless.
JETS 28, BILLS 20
– Roscoe Parrish takes a pass in the flat and runs about a million yards into the end zone. You can have the Chargers powder blue uniforms that Chris Berman wacks off to every night, these Bills throwbacks are the best uniforms in the NFL.
– JP Losman is hit in the backfield and fumbles. Jonathan Vilma rolls the ball about 30 yards as if he is participating in the Easter Egg rolling race on the White House lawn before picking it up.
– Pennington throws a screen pass to Leon Washington, which turns into a 30 yard gain. Tack on a facemask penalty and the Jets are deeeep in Bills territory with a chance to tie.
– And Kevan Barlow finishes the job with a 1 yard TD plunge.
– The Jets are on the goal line again, and Chad uses the play action and finds Chris Baker wide open for his second TD pass.
– Losman fumbles again, and Victor Hobson scoops it up and takes it to the hizzle, putting the Jets up 21-10. JP must be plagued by small hands.
– Jean Paul is now hoisting one downfield into double coverage, and it’s intercepted. This is followed by him faking a pitch on the Jets 10 yard line, then rolling out in the opposite direction. The play is completely unsuccessful as Bobby Hamilton makes the shoestring tackle for a big loss.
– Cedric Houston runs it in for the Jets from 5 yards. The Jets are now up big on the road.
– Now JP shows the athletic ability that will fool the Bills into playing him for the next 3 years. He scampers and bounces and scrambles for a pretty 30 yard TD run. He’s revolutionizing the position, just like Michael Vick. You can’t measure him with conventional statistics. You have to measure him in hogsheads and cubits.
– The Bills recover an onside kick.
– Apparently they do nothing with it, because now everyone’s shaking hands, and the Jets win 28-20. The Jets are 2-1 folks. They’re going to win the AFC East. I’m telling you right now, so I don’t have to tell you later.
PANTHERS 26, BUCS 24
– Chris Simms gets picked off by Chris Gamble. It is possible that the embarrassment resulting from this may have ruptured his spleen.
– Delhomme then finds a wide open Keyshawn Johnson for a TD. The Bucs gave Keyshawn quite a cushion on this play, but at least they had the third row of the stands well covered.
– Now here’s a reverse to Keyshawn and he’s in from 5 yards out to put Carolina up 17-0. Keyshawn may as well be having sex with Jon Gruden’s wife on the 50 yard line right now.
– Simms finds Joey Galloway in the corner of the endzone to make it 17-7. Simms is so relieved that his spleen ruptures.
– Delhomme is sacked by Simeon Rice, and loses the ball. Here come the Bucs.
– Cadillac rolls into the end zone, and we’ve got a ballgame, 20-14 Carolina.
– Now Gruden is going for it on 4th and 1 from the 3. Simms rolls out and runs a naked bootleg. He scores, but is upended when he gets a helmet on his buttocks. He hits the ground in an awkward fashion. I’m pretty sure this is where the spleen ruptures. Regardless, the Bucs have come back from 17 down and lead 21-20.
– Jon Kasay’s field goal puts Carolina back in front.
– Delhomme holds the ball too long, and has it batted out of his hands. Tampa recovers.
– With 5 minutes remaining, Matt Bryant puts the Bucs back in front.
– Less than a minute left, 4th and 7, and Delhomme RUNS for a first down to the Tampa 30 yard line.
– Kasay’s dead on from 45 and the Panthers JUST do escape an 0-3 start. Delhomme hugs Tampa’s new QB, Bruce Gradkowski. The Bucs are 0-3 and their QB is now Bruce Gradkowski. So when do the Lightning drop the puck??
BENGALS 28, STEELERS 20
– Gentle Ben hands off to Willie Parker, and Willie runs it in from about five yards out. He then bounces around, and is all like, “Look at me I can run it inside on the goal line! You don’t need no Verron Haynes!”
– Carson Palmer gets PICKED OFF by DeShea Townsend on an out route. Wow things look great for the Steelers!!
– Oh nooooooo….Ben gets picked off in the end zone by Madeiu Williams. Bet he gets invited to Madeiu’s Family Dinner now.
– That leads to Palmer finding Chris Henry near the pylon for the equalizer. Henry picked that ball out of the air like he was picking a car radio out of a dashboard. Hayooooo…
– Now Palmer finds Henry AGAIN in the middle of the endzone to put the Bengals ahead. Henry’s all like, “I’m going to throw the ball against the wall, I’m going to just chuck it really, really hard, here I go!” Then the ball slips out of his hand.
– Jeff Reed kicks a field goal as Bill Cowher looks like he has visited Searing Gas Pain Land.
– Chris Henry gets decapitated on an interception, and the Steelers are in business again.
– Parker runs it in for his second TD, and the Steelers go in front.
– Palmer hits a wiiiide open TJ Houshmandzadeh in the end zone, and the Bengals lead 21-17.
– TJ Houshmozo strikes again with a phenonmenal grab in the end zone. The Bengals are up 28-17, the Steelers are distraught.
– Ben gets picked off in the end zone again, almost in the same spot he threw the first end zone pick. Kevin Kaesviharn makes the play and this game is over. The defending Super Bowl champs fall to 1-2 and are a full 2 games behind 2 teams in the AFC North. I bet Roethlisberger wishes he had his appendix right about now. He could really use it at a time like this.
BEARS 19, VIKINGS 16
– On 3rd and 4, the Vikings run a play eerily reminiscent of one of the Steve Smith touchdowns in last year’s Bears/Panthers playoff game for a big gainer to Travis Taylor.
– This sets up a Ryan Longwell field goal to give the Vikings the early lead.
– After the Bears tie it with a field goal, Taylor finds a seam in the defense for another big play, but fumbles at the end of his run, and the Bears dodge a bullet.
– The NFC Offensive Player of the Month throws an interception with nobody on his team within 5 yards of where he threw the ball. A big return sets the Vikings up with real nice field position.
– Next comes a boneheaded decision that Brett Favre would not make on his most boneheaded day even if he were equipped with an electrified bonehead machine. NFC Offensive Player of the Month keeps dropping back, and back, into his own end zone, then throws a desperate pass towards the far sideline which is picked off and walked into the endzone to give the Vikings a 13-9 lead in the 4th quarter. If this were high school football he’d be pulled out of the game and told to jog home to Chicago from the Metrodome after that play.
– The teams trade field goals, and the Vikings lead 16-12 with a little over 7 minutes remaining.
– The Vikings have 3rd and 8 on their own 40 with 3 1/2 to play when DT Tommie Harris practically takes the handoff from Brad Johnson on a draw play, strips the ball from Chester Taylor, and the Bears have the spirit of the buffalo breathed back into them.
– This leads to a 24 yard TD pass from NFC Offensive Player of the Month to Rashied Davis to win the game. The Bears are 3-0. Rex is gonna get him some donuts this week brudda!
RAVENS 15, BROWNS 14
– Is it just me or is there a minimum weight of 350 pounds before they let you be a Browns fan? Or maybe thats to let you in the stadium.
– Charlie Frye gets planted by Trevor Pryce. Their last names look remarkably similar.
– Frye fakes a pitch and rolls right into two Baltimore defenders. It’s like he’s playing Tecmo Bowl and the Ravens picked the same play as he did, on every play.
– Matt Stover kicks a field goal for the Ravens. Stover looks like he’s fittin to do the robot before the ball snapped.
– McNair throws to Derrick Mason, who makes a nice over the shoulder catch. Its about time he did something. He and Santana Moss are KILLING me at wide receiver on the fantasy team. Thats why I bench both of them this week for Braylon Edwards and Greg Jennings.
– And there’s Braylon right now…catching a bomb down the sideline to give the Browns the lead, as their play by play guy has multiple orgasms.
– Frye pump fakes, and Adalius Thomas is all like, “Yeah right”, then proceeds to use Frye’s head as fertilizer.
– Charlie proves resilient though, as the next clip shows him running it in from 5 yards out. The Browns have somehow scored 2 TDs in one game.
– The butt sniffing in the Dawg Pound soon ends though. Todd Heap scores on a play action pass, then Stover hits a field goal to put the Ravens up 14-12.
– The Browns are threatening, but Chris McAllister just outmuscles Edwards for a 50/50 ball in the end zone, ending the threat. Well, it was more like a 70/30 ball, I guess. Maybe 80/20.
– Stover then gives the Ravens the lead. Stover is the last of the original Cleveland Browns to be on the Ravens, who were, of course, the original Cleveland Browns. Who sucked only slightly less than the current Cleveland Browns.
– Josh Cribbs then catches a tipped ball before getting blowd up and fumbling, icing the game for Baltimore. The Ravens go to 3-0, the Browns are 0-3.
EAGLES 38, NINERS 24
– Ho Ho, it’s a flea flicker! The gadget play! This leads to a huge completion from McNabb to Reggie Brown.
– Westbrook then takes the shovel pass from DMc in 10 yards to paydirt. I’ll throw this out there, and say Westbrook is the most exciting offensive player in the NFL. Discuss.
– McNabb then playactions to a wide open LJ Smith for a TD. It’s like a highlight film for my 2 fantasy teams right now.
– This theme continues as Joe Nedney hits a field goal.
– This next play might be play of the year so far. Westbrook uses a tremendous burst of speed to break about a 40 yard run, then stiff arms a tackler to get himself 31 more yards and a touchdown. I’ll say it again, he’s the most exciting player in the league.
– Akers puts home a field goal and it’s a 24-3 castration going on here.
– Frank Gore fumbles on the goal line, and Mike Patterson, whos easily 3 1/2 spins, takes it 100 yards for a TD. Fly, fatass, fly!!
– Michael Robinson gets in for the Niners. I think I’m hearing Merlin Olsen’s voice on the play by play. Is he still doing games?? Is he going to Ron Burgundy’s house after the game?
– Robinson scores again. Quick, sign him on your fantasy team. Now now NOW!!
– A 60 yard completion to Matt Schobel. The Niners play defense like they are on ice skates.
– Another TD for Westbrook. I’m gay for him.
– Eric Johnson scores a TD for SF. Enough already. Someone kneel down and end it. Thank you.
RAMS 16, CARDINALS 14
– Here’s a wideshot of the Cards new stadium, also known as “The Big Vibrator”.
– When the Cards used to play at Sun Devil Stadium, I swear to God the visiting team had about a 20 minute walk from the field to the locker room. You may have been in New Mexico actually by the time you got there. Maybe even Old Mexico. I don’t know why they would want to surrender that kind of advantage.
– Warner hits “Fitz” over the middle for an Arizona TD. “Fitz”? Is that what they call him in Phoenix??? He sounds like he should be one of your grandpa’s old Army buddies.
– Jeff Wilkins hits a field goal to make it 7-3. He apparently answers to “Wilky”.
– Warner throws an ill advised INT deep in Rams territory. It’s possible he may have just forgotten he’s not supposed to be throwing to the guys in Rams uniforms anymore.
– Torry Holt begins the process of dismantling one of my fantasy teams, scoring a TD to put the Rams up 10-7.
– Warner’s picked off again. That one looks like it hit the ground.
– Wilky hits another field goal to put the Rams up 13-7. Then another to make it 16-7. He’s like a machine! He’s not human!
– The Rams’ Dexter Coakley picks off a pass in the end zone, that looks like it was intended for the referee.
– Edge runs it in from 10 yards out to make it 16-14. I’m amazed Kurt Warner didn’t run over to the other sideline and hand off to Scott Linehan on that play.
– Now Bulger fumbles a handoff, and Arizona recovers. Warner taught Bulger everything he knows about turning it over.
– See, Warner now does the same thing. Just like they used to do in training camp back in Macomb, IL. The old “botched handoff” drill.
– The Rams color man is having menstrual cramps.
– Warner looks dejected. That’s a shame. I like him. Nevertheless, the Rams go to 2-1 on the season, and Arizona falls to a disappointing 1-2.
SEAHAWKS 42, GIANTS 30
– Shaun Alexander runs it in, and the boys in the scuba suits lead 7-0.
– Nate Burleson exploits the Giants lack of coverage for a TD. I think they were playing Cover Zero on that play.
– Hasselbeck hits Darrel Jackson for a TD and it’s 21-0 in the first quarter. I will note here that the Giants have a knack for leaving guys completely uncovered in the end zone. They should work on that.
– Seattle’s 3rd tight end, Matt Heller, scores. The Giants look like they should be in I-AA.
– Bobby Engram scores. Tom Coughlin should hit the reset button. I think his controller’s broken.
– Touchdown number 2 for D-Jack, and number 5 for Hasselbeck. 42-0 Seahawks.
– Now Eli Manning throws a bunch of TD passes. There is no quarterback in the league better when his team is down by 39 points in the first half.
– It should be noted that somewhere in all this RW McQuarters picked a pass off and ran it in for a TD. All of a sudden, it makes sense to me why none of the Seahawks receivers ever seem to be covered by anybody in this game.
BRONCOS 17, PATRIOTS 7
– Rod Smith catches a pass to give the Broncos 1st and goal from the New England 5. The offense then apparently sputters and the Broncos have to settle for a Jason Elam field goal.
– Lawrence Maroney then makes an awesome play on a pass over the middle, showing power and speed to break a huge gain.
– Rookie kicker then has a field goal attempt blocked. Still 3-0 Broncos.
– Tatum Bell breaks a 20 yard run.
– Javon Walker scores on a perfectly thrown ball by Jake Plummer, just out of the reach of corner Ellis Hobbs. 10-0 Broncos. Good coverage by Hobbs, just a perfect pass.
– Walker then makes a real nice play, catching a pop fly pass from Plummer, then splitting two defenders to take it long distance to the end zone. The Broncos are out to a 17-0 lead at New England.
– Tom Brady drills it in the back of the end zone to Doug Gabriel, who lays out with both hands to make a spectacular catch.
– Too little too late though. The Broncos win a well-played game 17-7. Both teams are now 2-1.
Ok that’s it for now. Check back periodically between now and the weekend, because I’m going to be posting highlights periodically between now and quittin’ time on Friday!
Then, Sunday we’re back at it, with live updates of all the Week 4 action.
