SLAYER’S WRESTLING AND STUFF!
Hi everybody! Welcome to the very first edition of Slayer’s DVD Wrestling Reviews and Stuff or something like that… gotta think of a new title. Anyway, in this column we’ll go over Wrestling DVDs! What a concept! I figure this will keep us all going until digital cable takes over the world and DVDs become pointless when we all live in where world we can get any match or any promo we want at any given time, but until then, DVDs are the best we got. But we’re really not too far off, are we?
So we’ll gab about wrestling, the week that was, some of the more intriguing news-bits of the week and of course go over Wrestling DVDs. (What a concept!). Which DVDs will I be reviewing? This is how it works.
1) I drink vodka
2) I smoke pot
3) I spin an electronic Roulette Wheel on my computer and depending on what number it lands on, pick out the number I have given to my Wrestling DVD collection which is in a very nice OCD order.
4) I watch the DVD either for the first time or again while continuing to drink and smoke
5) Give the Mistress some well deserved oral pleasure
6) Write the review
7) Publish it on Inside Pulse
Essentially there are three types of Wrestling DVDs.
1) PPV DVDs. They are a PPV, and some extras, and sometimes not.
2) Superstar DVDs-These are the DVDs dedicated to a certain wrestler
3) Shmorgasbord DVDs..you know, the rest.
And you know what, I think Wrestlemania DVDs could probably be given a category all its own, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it
Forst of all, I should probably introduce myself and give you a few pointers on who the hell I am.
WHO IS SLAYER?
- I used to run the sports zone over yonder but I don’t anymore because it was too much work and Daniels left me hanging like a sheet to dry. But it’s ok. I still love the bastard… He makes the site work…..sometimes.
- Slayer is not a made up moniker. It was given me to me wayyyyyyyyyy back in the day. Long story short: I moved to a new neighborhood, had a slayer jacket, people called me Slayer, followed me ever since. What can I do? I learned to embrace it.
- I don’t care about the behind the scenes politics or glass ceilings or who’s screwing who in the world of wrestling.
- I don’t understand why you all care.
- It’s f*cking wrestling.
- Either you enjoy it or you don’t.
- And newsflash philistines, for wrestling to be successful it has to be marketed to your little brother, not you, got it? It’s a kid’s show. We’re all just hanging on to it for cheap thrills.
- I love wrestling more then you do. But it’s not my life. It’s something to do in between work and when I’m not getting beaten by my dominatrix.
- I think HHH is one of the best wrestlers of all time. An asshole, maybe; but, I don’t’ care, he’s not coming over to dinner anytime soon.
- I was chanting ECW back when most of you were still learning the alphabet.
- I do this for free and I have no intention of getting paid. I do it because I like it. I have gotten paid for written work, but it mostly has to do with dissertations of alternative treatment methods to mental health. What?
- I’m a grown up. I have no time for your silly IWC games.
- I’m not fat. 6’0 and 175 lbs.
- I can drink more then you.
- I did every drug in the world. Even the ones you never heard of.
- Maybe I still do.
- I get laid a lot
- But if I’m to say that I also have to say I’m not an alpha maple and she controls everything I say or do. Well, THEY do actually. Who’s They? Ummm..trust me, you really don’t wanna know….
- My job requires me to be efficient with several types of small armor and guns. No, your guess was incorrect. So is your second. Look above, there are clues all around. But all I’m trying to say is I like my life and the career I dedicated myself to ok? Or is it dedicated too?
- I’m not in high school, I’m most likely older then you, but maybe not. I have a graduate degree from Columbia. No, I’m not bragging. If anything it’s a warning if you choose to apply. I owe those greedy bastards 30,000 f*cking dollars. Gah!
- Yes, I’m a personal friend of Gloomchen. I slept on her Air Mattress when I visited schools in the Midwest. I consider her one of my closest friends. We got through out late 20s together. No, you can’t have her number.
- I bought Widro a drink once…
- And one more thing and I’m only gonna mention this ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And only ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok
Storytime kids
Let’s say you are an undrafted baseball player. And your favorite baseball player is THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME on a PRETTY GOOD TEAM. Well, one day you get drafted by this PRETTY GOOD TEAM. And you’re all excited because you get to sort of play on the same franchise if not the same team as the GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME. You work your way through the minors, get to know the players, managers, and owners, and solidify yourself on the A Team. Not the most popular guy, far from it. But a solid major league player. Still, light years away from THE GREATEST PLAYER OF ALL TIME, you keep your distance, let him do his thing and continue to be fan, But the years go on, and you find out things about this player, you become friends with his friends, acquaintances with his acquaintances, and even bump into him a couple times. Unfortunately, you find out he’s quite the dick and is nothing more a but just another guy with high elevations of several personality disorders. That’s my opinion of Hyatte. Great writer, the guy needs help.
Oooooooooooooooooooo
Did I say something?
It doesn’t MATTER! What’s he gonna do? Go into my computer and email my boss I’m a freak who writes for a wrestling website and talks about drugs and dominatrixes? Well guess what. He knows that! I gotta picture of Betty Page on my desk for crying out loud. It doesn’t matter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s all in your f*cking head. It’s all just PSYCHOTIC DEVOTION de nnuh de nuh
Sorry, I break out into a Slayer song every now and then.
Anyway, i’m no fool and I’ll probably pay dearly for that remark and have 73 viruses on my computer. But once he made fun of my sports zone. This is my comeback. Riveting, ain’t it.
Christ, I sound like an asshole. I really don’t mean too. I’m sorry. From here on out, I’m a sweetiepie. I talk about wrestling and only wrestling and lay off. Ok? I just wanted to make my point that I just don’t care….
K?
We got it?
Group hug?
Want some pot?
Ok, lets move on.
Reviews are short and sweet folks. I give you a backstory, what’s on the DVD, some other info I know, some bad jokes, and I recommend whether you should buy it or not and give it a PULSE SCORE from One to Ten. That’s
1=The worst DVD ever
5=Average
10= The best DVD ever
That means, most will fall under 4-6, Six is a good score. And in many cases, I may give a DVD a 3 or 4 but still recommend the DVD for certain people let’s say for example…
The Undertaker: He Buries Them Alive Horrible Dvd. Matches are the suck. I give it a 2.5. But still, Undertaker fans should buy it for the four dollars it probably costs now. And it’s fun when one is not sober. Got it?
Ok!
The equation is relative on the type of DVD. As for the three types (basically)
PPV DVDs
Event Scale=1-6
Extras Scale=1-4
Event scores are relative to the type of PPV i.e. Mult-Brand vs. Single-Brand
A Summerslam with an event score of 6 is not equal to a Bad Blood Score with a score of 6 but relative to the type of PPV it is. Extras Scale remains the same.
BIO/Superstar DVDs
Their value is for the most part based on the extras, so we switch it around
Extras Scale=1-6
Feature Scale=1=4
Shmorgesborg DVDs
This is relative on the type of Shmorgesborg it is, but usually of equal value.
We got it?
I don’t think I’ll ever give a DVD a zero. It has to be empty. The best DVD in the universe is probably the Ric Flair Collection, and I give it a 9.5. Not sure if I have seen a ten yet. Ok?
Ok!
So let’s look at the week that was, shall we. First of all the all new Smackdown appeared on the all new CW network. And I gotta say is this may have been the best Smackdown since WWE “Season 23″ started. I’m loving having Eddie’s Wife go heel. She’s gonna be great being Evil. It’s obvious Batista is nowhere near 100% and after stinking up his match with Big Show at ECW and laying an egg with Booker T during SummerSlam, they are taking him off the Main Event for awhile until he gets his act back together and putting him with someone good enough (Finlay) who might be able to carry him.
I don’t watch TNA because TNA sucks. Ok, not really, but it bothers me they have what may be the best roster EVER, and their show is slightly better then early 90s WCW. As for the Kurt Angle thing, I think it won’t mean much unless he kills himself. Sure, he’ll be the top guy there until he goes back to WWE (if he lives long enough) but he’s not a top star.
Let’s stop. This is a good segway to explain the difference between ME and the 99 percent of the IWC. I love Kurt Angle. He’s one of my favorite wrestlers. But he’s not a top star. He’s a top star’s foil and a main eventer but will never be a money-making household name. Sorry guys, it’s true. Is he the best wrestler in the business? Yes. Does that mean anything in term of $$$? Nope. And this is basically the difference between being a wrestling fan who realizes he doesn’t have to love everything shown on the TV screen and a wrestling “fan” who watches it in some sort of weird self-masochistic context and gets all whiny about it. It’s wrestling. It’s stupid, it’s fun, and it’s one of the best forms of entertainment. So FUCKING RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or don’t. It’s alllllllllll good.
Ok, let’s go to Raw. People didn’t seem to love it. I thought it was a good Raw episode considering the black-out. Hey, these things happen. Good episode but nothing spectacular. It’s obvious they are stalling until they figure out the nWo situation and decide on what do with Cena and Edge after their feud goes on a well-deserved pause. Folks. Let them do what they gotta do. There is a huuuuuuuuge show coming up in a couple weeks and they are gonna save their best tricks until then, SO FUCKING RELAX! Also, Eric Bischoff returns which is always nice. He’s the best non-wrestler heel in the business….next to Queen Sharmell of course.
ALLLLLLLLLLLL HAIIIIIIIIIL KING BOOOOOOOOOOOKER! God, I love her.
Speaking of that, I loved the King Booker appearance. Good to see the cartoony guys of Smackdown mix in with the more down-to-earth Raw characters. Made for a few surreal and entertaining minutes.
ECW continues to roll along. Not a lot of water-cooler talk in the last particular episode, but I kinda like where they are going with this whole thing, however they can’t afford to have too many “not much happens” episodes like this. Their success depends on really pushing the soap-opera/cliffhanger stuff. The Jim Ross/Sandman thing was….cute.
And now we go on to the DVD Reviews!!!!!!!!!!
They Are…
*scroll down*
Nothing, my DVD player broke three days ago, I get a new one tomorrow. Talk about a f*cking omen. Yes, I could just do one I saw a million times (Hi ECW: Best of Cactus Jack DVD!) …but that’s just an artificial review and not peoper journalism. But wait, don’t go! I make it up to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I present something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Something that will become a regular feature in this column
It’s a surprise…
It’s something that will change the IWC forever!
Ready?
Are you sure?
Ok, here we go.
INSIDE PULSE PRESENTS
GLOOMCHEN PRODUCTIONS
*scroll down*
SLAYER’S WWE DIVA RECAP
Where we go over every Diva match in the week that was.
Why?
Because someone’s gotta do it.
And not someone who gives it two sentences that usually go like “This match was really a waste of time. They should be giving another performer this precious telvision time.” I’m looking at you Scherer…
Plagiary Note: I rip off the style of not only one, but TWO of the most popular IWC writers on the internet! One of them doesn’t know I exist, and the other I have a good professional relationship. Hope they don’t mind… or I’m a soooooooo freaking dead.
Of, first let’s go to Smackdown and we got
Layla vs. Crystal vs. Jillian
Layla is all all like “You like me, you really like me!” Man, something about red that looks dam sexy on a black lady.
Kristal comes in and is all like “Well, I don’t like you bitch!”
Woe, the 2005 Diva Finalist vs. the 2006 Diva Champion. Folks,. this is freaking historic.
The yelling, the slap, and finally the brawl. Kristal is getting the best of it.
Jillian comes for the save (no pic, booo) and de-shirts her.
Not a real match, but very progressive to the Smackdown Diva Mythology.
I give it *** (out of 5)
Let’s move on to RAW!
WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND
Candice Michelle vs. Lita
There really is nothing to say here except for… goddam….I gotta say, her wrestling really has improved lately.
The lights are out on RAW. But the show must go on and so must this match!
Lita comes in and announces the special referee… is EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Edge spears her, Lita with the pin, match over.
Great story progession. I give it *** and a half
Up next, we have the MAIN EVENT!
John Cena with one arm tied behind his back vs. Lita
Edge volunteers her for the match. Rita is like WTF?!? No coochie for you tonight!
I’m not surprised Cena is into homosexual bondage, just never figured him for a submissive. My guess he is a switch.
Lita wrestling a tied up man… proving once again WWE does make dreams come true.
John Cena fails to live up to a man and prematurely ejaculates.
Wow. Great match, though it would have been better if Lita got the pin, well not better, but make me happier. I give this match ****
Let’s go over to ECW
Folks, we got a historic one folks. This is one that will be on future DVDs.
Ariel in her first wrestling match vs. Francine in her first wrestling match on the WWE payroll
The cat fight insues as Joey Styles screams quite possibly his worst catchphrase ever. Back off guys, I like Joey a lot but the catfight shriek… ugh. Sounds like a four year-old on crack.
Well, ECW is on basic cable. So they digitally took out the twelve inch strap-on Francine was wearing.
Ariel screams, “Oh No, I’m not really naked!” Francine continues to thrust the strap-on. She’s an animal folks.
Then some other stuff with the Vampire Dude and Balls Mahoney, but we’re not here to discuss that.
Match of the week! **** and a half
Good week in Diva land
Now I introduce the first ever….
SLAYER’S DIVA OF THE WEEK
It goes to (or is it too, did I mention I went to Columbia, see, we Ivy League folks are not smarter then anyone, in fact we’re as full of shit as the rest of the world.)
LITA!
All kidding aside, she proved she is one of the hardest workers in the business, regardless of gender.
Folks, I hope you enjoyed it. Lastly, I wanna thank some people at the wrestling zone.
James Hatton for being one of the best buddies I have on this website.
Eric S whom I have the utmost professional respect for, in front and behind the scenes. I don’t always agree with him (in both manners) but I do respect him….and like him too. He’s cool.
Blatt, Tommy P, and CJ. My memory has long vanished. Without their recaps, this column wouldn’t exist.
And finally, MM and Widro. For allowing me to switch from sports to wrestling without any fuss or drama.
So with that said, some business to take care off.
All pics ripped from WWE.COM
…and special thanks to my good friend Goddess Torture for the pic, she’s in between sites right now but when it opens back up, you’ll all be the first to know and see more of this gorgeous woman…and not only is she a great artist and the pretties dominatrix from Canada, she buys me Bon Bon Martinis. Life is precious when one has good friends.
Ok, next week. Two columns!
1) The last Slayer’s Sports and Stuff *sniff*
2) The second ever Slayer’s Wrestling and stuff and first ever DVD review. I promise! Where in dedication to No Mercy, I review No Mercy 2001!!!!!!!!!!
God bless everyone
