I think I’m gonna have to give Quote Of The Week to John Weilenmann for coming up with this reflection on the decrepit condition of one Lawrence Pfohl at the TNA “press conference”: He looks like Jurgen Klinsmann if the ex-coach had been freebasing cocaine and chugging highballs for about a month! Buff, on the other hand looks very comfortable in the knowledge that he can still blow road managers and spots with the worst of them. Luger looked really bad, didn’t he? And someone in TNA’s production staff noticed this. When they transitioned from the pre-taped press conference to the in-ring stuff at the taping, they ended up doing an embalmer-level make-up job on him to make him look somewhat human. I would have mentioned this in the Impact Short Form, except that I tried to pay as little attention to anything Luger was involved in as possible.
The surprise to me is that Buff Stuffs Gerbils hasn’t bumped himself off yet. Think about the last five and a half years. Bagwell’s probably back living in Judy’s basement (I can make fun of people for that now that I know I’ll be moving within the next few weeks), looking longingly at his diploma from Sprayberry High and wondering what happened to him that turned his life into one sour moment after another (two words, Gerbil-stuffer: anabolic steroids). Meanwhile, his opponent in that infamous last match for him in the big-time is holding a world title belt again and is more over than he’s ever been in his career. I wonder if he has to keep himself away from any sharp objects or bottles of pills. If he does, what the hell is he doing hanging around Luger? Luger’s magical pill bottles have already claimed one life, and once pill bottles have tasted blood, there’s no stopping them.
However, that’s TNA. It’s time to transition back to WWE and cover Smackdown. This coverage will be interrupted a total of twice by me having to go to work, in case you’re curious. My work schedule really blows. Let’s see what they come up with having secured the services of John Cena in exchange for a movie pimp…
Match Results:
Rey-Rey over Elijah Burke (Pinfall, West Coast Pop): Not a bad opener. Angle Advancement was kept to a minimum, thank God, and they were given enough time to get a good flow going. Burke has a lot of potential, and if he sticks with Terkay…well, best scenario is Hart Foundation. Worst scenario is Kid Kash and Lance Hoyt.
By the way, you know why they didn’t have any cutaways to footage of Rey-Rey being honored in TJ? Brashear actually covered this one a few months ago in Great-ing Gimmicks: because he lost his mask in WCW, he’s not allowed to wear it while wrestling in Mexico due to reciprocity between WCW and the Mexi-feds. He cut a special deal to continue wearing it in WWE. So, therefore, whenever Rey-Rey’s in Mexico, he can’t wear the mask, either in ring or for promo appearances. And we all know that WWE doesn’t want to show Rey-Rey sans mask. Just wanted to bring that up.
Burke pays for the dis he gave Rey-Rey
KC James and Aaron Stevens over Kid Kash and Jamie Noble, Number One Contenders’ Match (Pinfall, James pins Kash, reversed small package): Thanks for jobbing on the way out, Dave. According to reports, it’s the one bit of professional behavior you exhibited in WWE. Given his history with ECW and TNA, was anyone surprised that he was let go, despite the fact that there was a terrific tag-team dynamic going on Smackdown for the first time in four years? I blame his training. A coked-up Ricky Morton is not the best possible role model to have when you’re trying to break into the business. You might as well model yourself after Jake Roberts at that point. I think that the only way he can ever have a career outside of the indies again is to find Jesus. It might produce a Michaels-like change in behavior in him, and at the very least, Sting will go to bat for him to try to get back to TNA. That way we can have the joy of seeing more matches with Lance Hoyt.
So, what to do with Little Jamie now? Well, when Fingers reported the story, he threw out a possibility, somewhat in jest. But it was the first serious thing that I thought of: team him back up with Jimmy Yang. Have them make jokes about the Yung Dragons and how screwed up it was to have two redneck good-old-boys pretend to be Japanese. Have them say that it was their behavior that drove Kaz Hayashi back to Japan. Have them mention that now that they don’t have to pretend anymore, they can be themselves and that it’s great to have another person around who understands the other. Then give them Henry Godwinn as a manager to complete the package (that way, we don’t have to watch Canterbury try to wrestle). This way, we’ll have redneck tag teams on both Raw and Smackdown, which would undoubtedly make Vince happy. And each team perfectly fits the tag division on the particular show, with the plodding rednecks on Raw and the jumping rednecks on Smackdown. It works on every level, even turning Yang’s disastrous gimmick into a positive. Why not?
One to remember him by
Chavito over Mattsy-Poo (Pinfall, frog splash): So, have my feelings about the whole Chavito/Rey-Rey angle changed since Vicki entered into it? No, they haven’t. It’s even greater necrophilia now, and ethos doesn’t enter into it. Eddy would have approved that his wife and his nephew are pulling a heel act in this case. In fact, he probably taught both of them how to do it properly (in Vicki’s case, it’s putting theory into practice; she’s doing a good job getting the timing of actions down, in particular the nut shot on Hardy this week). So I’m still not thrilled. I want this feud with Rey-Rey to end, now, so that we can witness exactly what Chavito and Vicki can do separated from having to rely on Eddy’s cold corpse as a crutch.
Why “Pull My Ankle” was eventually dropped in favor of “Pull My Finger”
Mike Mizanin over Tatanka (Pinfall, rollup): Well, at least Chavis got to beat the shit out of Mizanin for an extended period of time before taking the gas pipe. Gotta count your blessings where you can find them.
Between the rednecks, the Indian, and the multitude of women who dress like whores, Smackdown is getting pretty close to being some kind of Bizarro World Deadwood. If so, Mizanin is definitely Steve, the now-comatose moron who was caught masturbating onto a horse’s leg. Except that Mizanin is even less intelligent, and doesn’t hate black people as much. We think.
And Mizanin is down on his knees, like any other bitch
Sylvain Grenier over Jimmy Yung Akio Yang (Pinfall, rope-assisted rollup): Okay, let’s ignore the match for a second. Let’s concentrate on just one piece of High-Quality Speaker Boy’s commentary (speaking to, of course, Cole): “I hate you. I hate both people in the ring. The referee (Jim Korderis) is Canadian; I hate him too. He’s the one who counted me out against Rey, who I also hate. I got beat by Bobby Lashley, who I hate. I’m the one who dropped the championship to John Cena, and I damn sure hate him. I hate all of you people!” Choose the correct musical response to this riposte. The correct answer is worth 10 points:
a) Don’t you want somebody to love?
b) It’s a thin line between love and hate.
c) I am the Antichrist, I am an anarchist.
d) I’m a bitch, I’m a mother, I’m a child, I’m a lover, I’m a sinner, I’m a saint, I do not feel ashamed.
e) Don’t you understand? It’s not my problem.
f) Well, I walk into the room passin’ out hundred-dollar bills, and it kills, and it thrills, like the horns on my Silverado grille, which I also hate.
As for the match, Yang certainly hasn’t lost a step, and the WWE’s convenient repackaging amnesia seems to have set its hold on the audience, who were, unusually for High-Quality Speaker Boy, not reminded about the Lost Akio Years. Of course, I discussed my plans for him above. Maybe this time WWE should listen to me and do that. As for Grenier, well, he’s getting over with this as well as he did with La Res, and La Res was actually moderately over on some occasions, so continue on. It’s safer than giving him a repackage, and it’s saner than giving him a push.
So when did Rey-Rey turn Oriental?
DAVE, Bobby Lashley, and Special Guest Retard John Cena over Booker T, Sir Mister Regal, and Sir Mister Finlay (Pinfall, Lashley pins Booker, spear): “Four world champions”, High-Quality Speaker Boy? Who’s the fourth? Is Finlay or Regal credited with a world-level title from their work in Europe? Or did you just blow the result of the No Mercy match? Oh, who cares? You made Ditch weep tears of joy by crediting Masahiro Chono with popularizing the STF. Anything that can make Ditch happy these days is a good thing.
Just your typical hard sell match for both No Mercy and the Raw main event next week. Not badly executed, of course, but still not worthy of any excessive hype. I’m well-disposed to it mostly because I love everyone on the heel side, I like Lashley, and I’m ambivalent toward DAVE. If that means I treat Smackdown better than I do Raw because I like the state of its upper card more, then so be it. At least you know my biases and I admit them, unlike the frauds who pretend they’re IWC “journalists”.
Can’t we all just get along? Or at least keep it in the ring?
The normal response to something like this is, “Go see a urologist, quickly”
Angle Developments:
The chimp is here
He’d be shitting his pants, but all that cheese really blocks you up
Tulsa also smells funny and has some of the worst expressways I’ve ever driven, so loving wang is the least of its problems
Oh, dear God, what can I say?
And that ends things off for this week. Next week, we’ll see who else is being released in order to go to TNA. Have a fun weekend.
