MGF Presents The Saturday Swindle Sheet #125

Columns

Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
I’m Jeff Fernandez, and in the interest of brevity, let’s get to it…

BLURBS OF THE WEEK

Audioslave/ex-Rage Against the Machine guitarist Tom Morello was arrested on Thursday by Los Angeles police, along with 400 other people who were all protesting low wages for immigrants working at hotels near Los Angeles International Airport. The group of over 2,000 protesters marched on Century Boulevard in “the largest act of civil disobedience in Los Angeles history”, blocking the main entry to the airport, and were arrested and charged with unlawful assembly after refusing to move for police. Morello and the others were booked and spent the night in jail before each posted a $5,000 bail and were released the next morning. The group of protesters—who pointed out that workers at LAX-area hotels, the majority of them Mexican immigrants, make less money than hotel workers elsewhere in the city—included singer Ben Harper (who was not arrested) several local civil rights leaders, religious leaders, college students, and filthy hippies who are “still feeling pretty good from Bonnaroo.”

Aerosmith singer Stephen Tyler revealed on a Monday episode of Access Hollywood that he had been battling a case of Hepatitis C over the past three years, but due to rigorous treatment, the disease is now completely out of his bloodstream. Tyler added that he was taking interferon for the past year, and that it “[just] about killed me, and also left me looking like the Cryptkeeper.” So that’s what it was…

In news that should be shocking to absolutely no one, Ticketmaster announced that Guns N’ Roses would be postponing five performances (Sept. 27-Oct. 5) on their U.S. tour. Stops in Fresno, Calif., Bakersfield, Calif., Reno, Nev., and Sacramento, Calif., have all been rescheduled, while the Oct. 5 performance in San Diego still has yet to be rescheduled. Also, the band has added two more dates in Universal City, Calif., for Dec. 17 and Dec. 19. When asked if Chinese Democracy would be released before the flying car, Axl Rose just kind of stared off into space, obviously not picking up on the sarcasm. That always seems to make it funnier.


Yep, that’s the look…

In other, odder Guns N’ Roses news, while performing at KROQ’s Inland Invasion in Devore, Calif., Robin Finck and Richard Fortus played an instrumental version of Christina Aguilera‘s “Beautiful”. It was apparently the result of a lost bet that they had with Buckethead as to how many songs it would take Axl Rose to get so winded that he’d need to take a break. Finck and Fortus guessed 2, while Buckethead won with his guess of “three verses”. Yeah, I know Buckethead isn’t with the band anymore, but I haven’t written about him in a while.

After telling reporters last year that he was through with touring, singer George Michael recently embarked on a 47-stop tour, entitled “25 Live”, which is a reference to how many years he’s been producing music. “Well it just goes to show, doesn’t it? Never say never,” Michael wrote in the tour program. “I truly believed that tonight would never happen, that I would never sing these songs to you again. But then I’m a fool. I also enjoy being blown while I’m on the toilet. For those of you who don’t know, it’s called a flumpy.”

According to MSNBC.com, Audioslave recently pondered the perils of success. Chaos no doubt ensued.

Amid accusations that the LAPD was responsible for the murder of rapper The Notorious B.I.G. (né Christopher Wallace), the Los Angeles City Council voted last Friday to reinstate a $50,000 reward that had previously been offered for any information leading to the arrest and conviction of whomever fatally shot Wallace in the spring of 1997. Meanwhile, O.J. Simpson told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that he was “still looking for the real killers.”

A Lupe Fiasco show that was planned for Monday night at La Scala in London was cancelled and rescheduled for Oct. 9 at nearby Islington Academy, after a fatal shooting occurred outside the King’s Cross nightclub on Sept. 23, during a special club night. Lupe Fiasco’s mentor, Kanye West, went on to blame Bush for not caring about black people, while I blame Nickelback for making shitty music.

Shakira led the list of nominees for the 7th annual Latin Grammy Awards ceremony, which will take place on Nov. 2 at Madison Square Garden. The Columbian singer-songwriter raked in six nominations, for album of the year, and best-engineered album for Fijacion Oral Vol.1, and for record of the year, best short video, song of the year, and a songwriting award for “La Tortura”. This just proves that the once-highly-revered reggaetón movement is dead, and all of the reggaetón musicians should retire from music forever, and take Lil Jon with them.

Headline: “Elton John doesn’t care if Clay Aiken is gay.”
No one should, but let’s just say that I could replace “if” with “that”, and not a single person would be surprised. Not even the 80-year-old grandmas that buy his albums. Not even the senile ones. Not even the senile bed-ridden ones. Not even the senile bed-ridden ones who live in nursing homes. Not even the senile bed-ridden ones who live in nursing homes and haven’t watched TV since 1983. Not even the senile bed-ridden ones who live in nursing homes and haven’t watched TV since 1983 and are deaf and blind. Not even the senile bed-ridden ones who live in nursing homes and haven’t watched TV since 1983 and are deaf and blind and have to be spoon-fed mashed-up carrots even though they used to hate carrots but now have no choice. That’s right, Doris Leechman of Redwood Falls, Minnesota… I’m looking at you, and even you would not be surprised if I had replaced “if” with “that”.


Haha… nice try, Clay Aiken, but you’re not fooling anyone.

Pop singer Aaron Carter broke off his engagement to Playboy Playmate Kari Ann Peniche (WARNING: link is NOT WORK SAFE!!!), last weekend, after proposing to her onstage in Las Vegas just a week prior. Carter later told reporters, “I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do and I am not ready for marriage quite yet. At least not to a woman.”

Matthew Michaels and I weigh in on Eminem…

EmergncyAirlines (10:59:05 PM): Eminem died
PulseMM (10:59:46 PM): what?
EmergncyAirlines (10:59:52 PM): just kidding
EmergncyAirlines (11:00:04 PM): AHAHAHA
PulseMM (11:00:06 PM): i was gonna ask if it was black on black violence :-D

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Save the Astoria!
By Misha Sumra

Gig venues come in all shapes and sizes. From one-microphone stages in a bar somewhere, to 80,000-seater stadiums, you can find live music everywhere. But perhaps one of the most important ‘classes’ of venue is the ‘sub-stadium’. The venues that bands play on tours just before they make it big; the venues that international superstars play their “secret gigs” at. You probably have one near you, a proverbial ‘launch pad’ venue. You’ll almost certainly have some fond memories of it.

Here in London, we’ve got several. The Academy in Brixton, The Apollo in Hammersmith and most famous of all, The Astoria in central London. This venue, a 2000-capacity hall, was originally a pickle factory, but was converted into a music hall, and is now a gig venue. It has played host to a whole cascade of bands, from the Rolling Stones to Deep Purple to Nirvana to Radiohead. Plenty of bands out there owe their big breaks to the popular buzz generated by their shows at the Astoria; Even bands which never quite made it to Stadium-level gigs can still make a comfortable living on the Astoria-level venue circuit. But it’s not just the gigs – The Astoria, and its next-door ‘sister venue’ the Mean Fiddler play host to some great club nights, sometimes combining forces (the two venues are internally connected) for mega-club-nights. G-A-Y at the Astoria, for example, is one of Europe’s premier LGB nights and attracts megastar guests such as Madonna.

Why am I rambling on about the venue? The reason is because it’s under threat. Real estate in London is some of the most expensive in the world, and the people who own the building want to tear it down and build trendy apartment blocks on it. THIS CANNOT BE ALLOWED. Recall the venue you thought of earlier, and imagine if all those memories, all that history, were demolished to make way for Yet Another Skyscraper, or a McDonald’s. It’s not good, is it?

So, to that end, I’m hijacking this bit of The Sheet to encourage you all to sign the petition to save this fine venue. It won’t take a moment, and you’ll have the satisfaction of helping preserve a wonderful live music venue. And you’re feeling MySpaced and motivated, you could even help more…

Petition – http://www.petitiononline.com/savethea

Campaign – http://www.myspace.com/savingtheastoria

Thanks very much. I’ve been Misha, and I’ll see you next week.

multiclassgeek@gmail.com

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

On Tuesday, it was reported that Paul Vance (né Paul Van Valkenburgh), one of the guys who co-wrote the “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” song, had died after being crushed to death by a grand piano. The crazy part of the story, however, is that 68-year-old Van Valkenburgh, of Ormond Beach, Fla., didn’t really write the song, and that Paul Vance (né Paul Vance), 76, of Coral Springs, Fla., was the real co-writer of the song, and he is very much alive. Apparently, the squirrelly Van Valkenburgh had told his wife, Rose Leroux, when they had met in the mid-60s, that he had written the song but sold the rights to it when he was 19, and that explained why he was working as a salesman at the time. When confronted with the news, Leroux said that “[i]f this other man says he did it, then my husband’s a liar, or he’s a liar.” The Real Paul Vance was able to prove that he had been the real writer by showing reporters documentation of royalty checks that he still currently receives, as the song is currently being used in a yogurt commercial. To further prove The Real Paul Vance’s case, Lee Pockriss, the other co-writer of the song, corroborated Vance’s claim that he had worked with him, and had never known Paul Van Valkenburgh. “It’s such a long time ago. To have it come out now, I’m kind of devastated,” Leroux added, obviously chagrined. “If this man is getting the royalties why wouldn’t he be happy? The more you stir this up the more you’ll smell. Paul [Van Valkenburgh] can’t hurt him now—he’s dead. And we’re not going after him for the royalties.” While The Saturday Swindle Sheet in no way condones taking credit for someone else’s work in order to score chicks, you’ve got to hand it to Paul Van Valkenburgh. Not only did he successfully use it to pick up the woman who would become his wife for 40-odd years, but he was also able to play it off for the rest of his life. What a f*cking pimp. I guess The Saturday Swindle Sheet DOES condone this. Oh well…

Cheers
-JF2k6!