Happy October people. I’m Tom Pandich, your navigator of these stormy seas known as Monday Night Raw. Thankfully, Raw is still at an uneasy peace after being War for many moons. Tonight though, steel cage match, Edge/Cena, Spinner. Is it the end of this terribly long feud or will the WWE realize there’s no heels left for Cena to go up against? Stay tuned to find out.
Fireworks and here comes DX. Did you forget what happened at Unforgiven? Here’s a video package to remind you! Crotch chops and Triple H shushes the crowd and askes for the crowd to be quiet. He asks if the crowd is ready and they sure as heck are. Quick aside, my mother read one of my terrible Raw recaps and said I drop the f-bomb too much. Note, I’m 21 not 31 so it’s ok for me to be living at home. Ah well. Anywho, there’s a still of Vince’s face buried in Big Shows buttocks right before we get ready to suck it. Shawn says if we’re not down with that…the Coach will interupt.
Coach tells DX they don’t run monday nights. He orders DX to compete in a Texas Tornado match. They’ve got six opponents. Same as last week.
DX versus Job Squad 2006: Texas Tornado Rules
If it’s been a while since you’ve played No Mercy (shame on you) Texas Tornado is when all teams are in the ring at the same time. Punches. Kicks. Dumps. DX is hexateamed but eventually the heels get dumped and start fighting each other. The violence happens to Charlie Haas. Spinebuster. Big elbow. Sweet Chin Music. Pedigree. Poor Haas.
Winner: DX
The Coach cuts DX’s music, and he’s fighting mad. The Coach says they may have won the battle, but they are far from winning this war. The Coach says he runs this show. Triple H says why don’t they go up there, throw Coachman out on his bum, and then run Raw themselves. Darn good idea Triple H.
We’re back. Raw is three hours next week. Lord, I need to find someone to take over this thing for me. Last week on Raw, Hardy beat Shelton in a good match. I know how much you hate Hardy Eric S, but he’s been the most consistently entertaining performer on Raw since getting out of the bottom of that orange bottle.
Johnny Nitro vs Jeff Hardy:IC Title Match
Melina has suspenders on a skirt. Jeff Hardy didn’t forget his towel. The jokes write themselves sometimes people. There were apparently “rumors” why Jeff left Raw. JR says he was simply burnt out. European uppers to Jeff are quickly countered by Hardy with his flying neckbreaker. Hardy follows it up with a hurricanerana and a near twists of fate. Nitro pushes it off and bails. Jeff tries for a flippy high risk move, Nitro runs, Hardy catches himself. Crossbody from the apron hits as we go to commercial.
During the commercials, a black guy carries around his weed smoking friends. Also, is it a bad thing that I have no clue how to tell Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matt Damon apart? I think not. During the break, Jeffykins got squished. A face’s worst enemy seems to be the commercial break. Anywho, Jeff fights up from the rest hold, gets tossed into the corner, tries for a Whisper in the Wind, and Nitro dodges. Ouchie.
Nitro works away at the lower back. Hardy gets laid down near the corner and Nitro lands a baseball slide into the steel pole. Backbreaker gets two. Nitro surfboards Hardy until Hardy fights up, reverses it, is re-reversed into, and hits a double mule kick to break the hold. Hardy hits a few elbows, enziguri gets two. Hardy hits the double leg drop on Nitro while laying face down for an interesting pinning combination. Whispers in the Wind gets two. Nitro gets tossed into the rope and pulled out by Melina.
Hardy stays with it and he baseball slides into Nitro. He then comes off of the guard rail sort of taking out both. Melina might be hurt. Nitro gets tossed in the ring and kicks Hardy in the head. Nitro heads up top, but Hardy pops up. Back body drop off the top. Swanton. Melina is still down! NEW IC CHAMP!!!
Winner and New Intercontinental Champion: Jeff Hardy.
Video package of Edge beating Cena after cashing in Money in the Bank.
In the back, the Coach has locked himself in his office. Triple H tries to trick him with false promise of candy grams and room service. The Coach won’t come out though. Triple H says that he’ll go blind if he keeps doing that. Triple H says that Shawn says that’s a sin. Hah, cute.
Next Monday, HOMECOMING! My guess is that JR will be covered in pig’s blood by night’s end. Sure, not a perfect joke, but whatever. Speaking of Prom Queens, it’s Maria! She’s interviewing Jeffykins. Jeff Hardy knows he’s a living target now. Melina interupts the interview and starts screaming. WILLIAM H MACY THAT’S ANNOYING!!!
Elsewhere, Coach is on the phone with Vince. Vince wants Coach to get out of that office and take his beating like a man. Coach comes out wanders around a bit and finds himself cornered by Trips and Shaws. Cowboy music plays and there’s a tumbleweed right next to the Coach….k. Coach makes a mad dash through the women’s lockerroom. Shawn asks if they’re going in there and Triple H nods yes. Shawn covers his eyes and in they go! Coach is gone, and Triple H sends Shawn on his way while he flirts with the ladies. Shawn comes back and grabs him.
Afterwards, Coach wanders into a room. It’s the fat male stripper! He dances, Coach flees, and slips on a wet floor. DX has caught up, Coach runs head first into the production truck, and DX tosses him into to trash. They give it to a janitor who proceeds to dump some more garbage on the Coach, and he gets carted off.
Cena re-won the WWE title at the Royal Rumble. Cage match later tonight.
In the back, DX is with the Spirit Squad. They’re in clear violation of the new DX dress code. If they don’t comply, Trip will do his best Peter Gabriel impression.
Snitsky vs Umaga: Finally, a consequential Umaga match
Meaning I am so not recapping this. Next week, loser leaves Raw. Snitsky/Kane. I really hope that it’s Umaga. I like Kane, and I think I’d rather put up with See No Evil DVD shilling rather then Umaga.
Winner: Umaga
Speaking of horrible interviews, it’s Orton. He’s going to beat Randy Orton.
At No Mercy, Undertaker against Mr. Kennedy. Is it for the US Title? I don’t know.
Marine preview. John does all of his own stunts.
Randy Orton vs Carlito: And now for something completely different….
At Unforgiven, Carlito perfectly set up an RKO for Orton who was on the ground when he executed it. I love Carlito. I hate Orton (sadly, not for the reasons WWE wants me to). They lock up, Orton gets forced into the corner, and he hits a cheap shot before tossing Carlito into the ring post. Lawler thinks the replay happened last week rather then at Unforgiven. Then again, it’s an honest mistake. God forbid the commentators know what the hell is going on. Orton breaks Carlito’s arm. Rest hold galore. Carlito fights up, knife edge chops, springboard elbow, knee lift, clothesline, two count. Carlito hits a springboard sommersault followed by a springboard moonsault for two. Carlito nearly gets dumped, but gets a springboard crossbody. Orton rolls through and grabs the tights. That’s all.
One Night Stand! Anywho, in the back, the Spirit Squad won’t come out. DX will strip the Spirit Squad of their tag titles if they don’t come out. They need a minute and Triple H says they’re gay. Shawn adds not that’s there’s anything wrong with that. Bad Shawn. You need to hate the fruits. That’s what white Jesus wants you to do.
It’s Cryme Tyme. Cryme Tyme steals a doughnut from a cop, and they run away.
Spirit Squad in Drag (Nicky) vs Sgt. Slaughter
There’s a skid mark on one of the Spirit Squad’s panties. Jesus H Macy. They’re taking on Sgt. Slaughter. Oh God, I’m not recapping this crap………
Winner: No One
Edge beats RVD for the WWE Title.
Mickie James vs Victoria: Lingerie Women’s Championship Round 1 Match
Meanness by Victoria. Mickie monkey flips Victoria. They kick each other. They grunt at each other. Mickie wins by reversing a cheating pin fall.
Winner: Mickie James
Victoria tosses a crazy fit after the match. Saturday Night Main Event. Edge gets FUed through the announcer’s table.
Bischoff is evil, but he has a book. Lots of firings. Chris Mashtahs is with Eric and here’s DX. They help with the “gratuitous book plug”. Eric calls DX an NWO rip off. Shawn cries blasphemy. Trips asks Chris Mashtahs if if he’s going to write a book. Mashtahs does, he wants to write a book about nutrition. What’s it going to be called, “How to Lose 50 Pounds in 4 Weeks?” Ouch.
Shawn and Trips tease NWO/DX again.
Edge beats Cena at Summerslam.
Cena beat Edge at Unforgiven.
Edge vs John Cena: WWE Title Match in a Steeeeeeeeel Cage
Crowd is 100% behind Cena. Cena and Edge both try to ram each other’s head into the cage. Edge works on Cena’s bad arm with kicks. Edge tries to get through the door, but Cena hits a side belly to back suplex. Cena tosses Edge into the corner, and he runs up the ropes. Cena catches Edge and drops him like a box of rocks. John Cena tries an FU, Edge counters and drops him with a DDT for two. Edge works on the arm, and Cena pops up. Blockbuster gets two and Cena tries to climb the cage. Edge pulls him down and spears him into the cage. Both men are down. Edge gets up and tries to climb out. Edge gets stopped by Cena though and bulldogged off the top rope. That takes us to the final commercial break of the evening.
We’re back and Cena drops Edge with a belly to belly suplex. Both men are up and Edge hits a spinning roundhouse for two. Edge crawls over to the door but Cena stops him. Cena gets kicked in the arm for his trouble and tossed into the cage. Edge climbs up the cage. Cena follows. They exchange blows sitting on the top of the cage. They both go back in and Edge hits the side belly to back suplex off the top rope. Edge gets two for his troubles. Edge goes up, but he gets crotched on the top rope.
Cena is on fire and sends Edge into the cage. Moves of doom ends with Edge grabbing on to the cage. Cena teases the FU several times, once off the top, before Edge hits the Edge-o-matic for two. Edge tries to climb out, and Lita brings in a chair. Lita gets ejected. Ref gets bumped. Edge has got the chair, and he whiffs. Cena gets the chair and flattens Edge with it. STFU, but the ref is out and the door is jammed.
The match goes to heck at this point. Edge gets help from Cade and Murdock. Cena gets help from DX. Edge gets FUed. The ref counts it off, and that’s all she wrote.
Winner and Still Champion: John Cena
That’s it. I’m going to bed. Night all.
