DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK!?!??!
KURT AN…. wait…
..that was last week…
…….nevermind…….
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
The Monday Night Rabble – A Monday Night Tradition
The Monday Night Rabble – A Monday Night Need
The Monday Night Rabble – A Monday Night Obsession
The Monday Night Rabble – Your Tuesday Morning Read
The Monday Night Rabble – Starring:
CHRIS – Your new Saturday night thing
MIKE – Your next Sunday night dessert
HERNANDEZ – Your nueva Miercoles fiesta
JENNA – Your Thursday afternoon brunch
BILL – Your Friday morning breakfast juice
ERIC – Your Tuesday midnight snack
THE INSIDERS – Your Forum Board Chuckleheads
Tonight we were told we were getting a steel cage match with Cena & Edge.
An IC match with Hardy & Nitro.
“This might be a good night!” – Hernandez
“If it was TNA..” – Eric
Hey! We’re starting with DX!
“X-PAC” – Hernandez
“Shut up..” – Me
So Shawn starts off by jogging around Triple H.
“Doing Warrior laps around Hunter?” – Hernandez
We get some flashbacks from Unforgiven. Discussing the match, Lawler actually uses the terms ‘Hershey Highway’…
“Is there a 3rd Grader in his ear?” – Bill
Hunter asks everyone to shhhh..
“WHO BETTA!” – Hernandez
They go through the standard DX stuffs…
“Wasn’t this last week?” – Hernandez
“Is this a repeat?” – Me
“The lights are on.” – Bill
And if you aren’t down with that.. hey, the Coach is interrupting.
“DX – do you think you run this show? Do you actually think that you run Monday nights? I hate to break it to you, but you don’t run a thing…”
“Ooo snap” – Me
“So on behalf of the McMahon family who are watching at home, to face right here right now in a texas tornado match…”
“Kerry Von Erich, come on down” – Me
“So here are your six opponents…”
“Didn’t we see THIS last week?” – Eric
So starting in the ring we have Shawn & Trips on Lance and Murdoch. In run the Highlanders and they get tossed… now Triple H has Haas in the ring as Cade and Murdoch run in on Shawn.
OOO in runs Viscera to help out Haas. He tosses Hunter to the corner. Viscera hurls Haas right into him. As Viscera charges, Haas gets pulled into the way.. squashy.
Shawn throws out Cade & Murdoch and now Hunter and Shawn doubleteam Visc.
In runs Rory – Hunter ducks and Haas and Rory go out. Leaving once again DX with Viscera… Double DDT. Haas runs in. Spinebuster. Top rope from Shawn. ELBOW!
J E S U S – SUPERKICK – WHAM – PEDIGREE.
WINNER: DX
Hey Coach stands at the top… asks the music to be cut off.
“It already has..” – Eric
Coach explains that he’s won this match, but he hasn’t won the war..
“Who writes this shit?” – Hernandez
“Dusty Rhodes?” – Mike
Coach explains that ‘HE’ runs this show. Trips says he could just as easily grab Coach, throw him out, and then THEY would run the show. So off they run to go do so.
“Coach’s “mad face” looks like a toddler who just got his sippy cup taken away.” – Insider Ellie Mo
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:13
So here comes Melina & Nitro… he’s wearing a stoal as well as his jacket. Melina is wearing hot lil leopard knee socks. Nice.
“I feel for Melina…I hate when the papparazzi bothers me when I’m trying to walk down the ramp.” – Insider Ellie Mo
“And then PETA runs in and throws paint all over my fur coat and I’m all yelling like, “IT’S FAUX YOU FUCKERS!” – Insider SpauldingsGhost
“Honestly, why can’t a girl just walk the ramp in peace????” – Insider Ellie Mo
Hey, here comes Hardy.
NITRO vs. HARDY
IC TITLE MATCH
Nitro runs in to kick Hardy. Couple of european uppercuts to drop Hardy. Throws Jeff to the ropes and he catches a spinning headdrop, followed by the double legdrop. Hardy gets tossed to the corner, leaps, Nitro catches him. Screws Nitro down.
Nitro bails and Hardy leaps after him.
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:20
We’re back and hey, look, a chinlock from Nitro to Hardy. Hardy fights out of it… to their feet they swing back and forth. Nitro tosses Hardy to the corner and a miss on the whisper in the wind! Nitro goes for a pin for two.
“Hey look a sign that says ‘Hi Uncle Ben'” – Bill
“It WAS after a wrestling event that he died… continuity.” – Hernandez
So Nitro throws Hardy to the corner and Melina screaches..
“Was that necessary?” – Chris
“No.” – Me
Nitro hits Hardy with a backbreaker for two. Knee in the back now. Hardy fights out of it and hits a double mule kick (??) to drop both of them. Hardy gets to his feet, back elbow, kick turn into enzuigiri-ish kick for a two count. Double legdrop pin for two.
“DUDE… You sat on my HEAD!” – Hernandez
Hardy hits the whisper in the wind for two. Melina pulls out Nitro to get a baseball slide, and then Hardy bails for the riding the rail, catching Melina along with him.
Hardy throws Nitro in, and as Hardy comes in – elbow onto his back.
“Way to sell that Nitro” – Me
Nitro goes up to the top… Hardy runs up and fights out of it. He goes up for himself. HITS THE SENTON! ROLL UP! ONE.. TWO… THAT’S THAT!
WINNER & NEW IC CHAMPION: JEFF HARDY
We get a retrospective on Edge vs. Cena… New Years Revolution – Edge wins.
So DX is standing outside Coach’s door… they even do the ‘WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW’ bit.
“LANDSHARK” – Shawn
“CANDYGRAM” – Hunter
“Classic” – Me
They insinuate that Coach won’t open the door due to masterbation and Shawn wants him to know that it’s a sin.
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:33
So I come back too late – and I apparently missed Maria. So this past week, Dani and I bought a DVR.. so… REWIND!!!
MARIA! BLUE! SHINY! MARIA! LECH! ME! YES!
“Maria, you have a little bit of CM Punk on you..” – Bill
So she’s with Hardy talking about how he won the title.
Who really f*cking cares, how hot is she… oh the answer is VERY.
So Melina interrupts… and screams.
“ACTING!” – Bill
Elsewhere, not Maria.. aka Coach is on the phone with Vince discussing how he locked himself in the office. He’ll do anything Vince wants him to, of course.
“Bark like a dog?” – Me
He gets off the phone.
“Fuck you Vince.” – Bill
“He should team with Shelton Benjamin now to fight keeping the black man down.”- Mike
So Coach leaves… tip toeing around.
“Now he’s locked himself out.” – Bill
“Landshark?” – Bill
Coach tiptoes around… and at the end of the hallway… Triple H
“CoMe PlAy WiTh Us CoAcH..” – Bill
“It’s just a cardboard cut out” – Hernandez
He turns, and there is Shawn…
“Please tell me when he turns back around Trips is closer” – Me
Ok, so they play the High Noon music and there is a tumbleweed at his feet. Funny, sorta.. so Coach bails into the Women’s Locker Room… DX declares they are going in there. Shawn covers his eyes and they end up in the middle of a hallway with Torie, Mickey, and Kelly Kelly.
Trips tries to mack it with them and Shawn pulls him away… Coach ends up in the Blue Oyster bar…. with a fat chippendale? He runs of course and ends up slipping across a wood floor. Ending with himself at DX’s feet… conveniently outside.
They ‘BOO’ at him, he turns and pratfalls right into the WWE truck. They load him into a dumpster.
Cena vs. Edge moment – Cena wins BACK the title.
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:47
In the back, the Spirit Squad are bibbling.
“Who are those guys?” – Me
DX interrupts them to inform them that they are in charge. They explain that there is a new dress code that they are in violation of.
Trips explains that if they don’t comply, they meet Mister Sledgehammer.
“I predict women’s cheerleading outfits” – Mike
Next week – a Loser Leaves Raw match – Kane vs. Umaga
“I hope they both lose.” – Mike
Umaga’s in the ring with Snitsky.
“Who doesn’t even get his own music anymore.” – Mike
“Snitsky’s here?” – Bill
“Yeah, his pyro is set-up” – Me
“He can’t have pyro, that beard would go up like brush” – Bill
UMAGA vs. SNITSKY
Umm?
Snitsky goes and attacks Umaga.. clotheslines… shoulder tackle to drop Umaga. He runs in and EATS the samoan toss-drop. Snitsky in the corner he charges and gets ass-smashed. Armando breaks the cigar. Snitsky eats a thumb.
WINNER: UMAGA
“He’s still got a bit of Snitsky on him” – Bill
“Picking beard hairs out of his thumb?” – Me
“Better than his thong..” – Chris
Todd’s in the back with RKO..
“So.. Randy, when did you ever kill a legend?” – Chris
“Well I once murdered Greg Valentine in cold blood” – Me
RKO tries to discuss what cool is and what cool is not.
“Cool is not working for free.” – Mike
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:52
(We catch up with the DVR commercials.. and come back for a Marine commercial… shit.)
Hey!
HEY!
WAY!
You know the drill…
Randy Orton.
“Randy Orton really does feel have movie stars attributes” – Lawler
“Yes, he’s dreaming” – Eric
RANDY ORTON vs. CARLITO
Because Carlito gets the same match every week…
Lock up and a rumble to the corner. Ref breaks it up and Carlito eats a shot as he backs off. Orton throws him right into the corner to the outside. Orton follows out and starts wringing the arm.
Pulls him in the ring and wraps his arm around that top rope.
Snapmare from Orton. Kneedrop. Orton gets to his feet and as Carlito gets up – standing dropkick. Nice from Carlito, but Orton gets to his feet and drops him with the facedrop and right into the side armlock.
Carlito fights out of it, and now they go punch to chop. Carlito hits the ropes. Back elbow. Clothesline from Carlito. Goes for the pin for two. Carlito leaps on the 2nd rope, flying crossbody, rolls over with Carlito underneath. RKO pulls the tights…
WINNER: RKO
“I’m still working for free.. and I won” – Mike
“That sucks for people NOT on the Wellness program” – Hernandez
“That tells the wrestlers to violate the wellness program” – Me
So we see RKO mouth ‘MOTHERFUCKER’ ….oooOOooo…..
Cena/Edge moment – CENA vs. RVD
DX informs the SS know that their match is next. If they don’t come out, which of course they don’t want to do, they will strip them of the Tag Team Titles.
“Those guys are so gay” – Hunter
“Not there’s anything wrong with that” – HBK
“KANYON JOKE! So if they are gay – are they getting fired next week?” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:08
CRYME TIME! They beat up on a black cop for his coffee.
“That’s a hate crime!” – Me
“They missed him with the coffee entirely… nice shot” – Hernandez
Here come the Spirit Squad in female cheerleader outfits.
“I called it” – Mike
“They look like a bunch of Oregon ducks” – JR
“WHAT!?” – Me
“That’s right.. Oregon Ducks” – Bill
SPIRIT SQUAD’S NICKI vs. SGT. SLAUGHTER
Wow… umm…
“So how does DX get Slaughter to wrestle?” – Hernandez
Slaughter starts with a kick to Nicki – Goes right into the cobra clutch. Nicki hits the ropes.
“Nice veteran reflexes” – Hernandez
“Refluxes?” – Eric
Throws Nicki to the ropes and knees him in the gut. Kneebreaker… in the background they move the titles conveniently to the corner.
So Nicki sends Slaughter to the corner and he bails over the top.
“Shit!” – All of us
“He might be dead. KICK HIM” – Bill
Nicki puts him in a sleeper, then rakes his eyes. Side headlock then pushes back into the corner. Hiptoss from Nicki, followed by an armlock. DX goes up and makes fun of Nicki and gives Slaughter the schoolboy roll-up and the pin.
“Ooo a schoolgirl!” – Hernandez
WINNER: SGT. SLAUGHTER
“They should wear those outfits every week.” – Mike
Cena vs. Edge flashback – Triple Threat with RVD
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
Next week – RAW Family Reunion… Three Hours of Wrestling..
“Sorta” – Chris
Now it’s time for the women’s championship match. DX has made this a lingerie match.
“Yay for DX” – Bill
“Yay for Mickie” – Mike
Mickie James in a sheer thingy… nice. She faces Victoria, wearing a red bra & panties thingy…
“She’s wearing a baseball cap.. that’s disrespectful” – Bill
“To baseball caps?” – Chris
MICKIE JAMES vs. VICTORIA
Not very lingerie-ish
Lock up to start, arm lock to Victoria. Mickey spins it out into a monkeyflip. Kick to the gut from Victoria and a clothesline for two. Victoria charges Mickie into the corner. Weak punch out from Mickie, but Victoria just throws her into the ropes and beats her kidneys.
Mickey back elbows her out of it, then a kick to the gut or two. They fight on the ground for a bit. To their feet Mickie hits a few polish hammers and then a headslam.
“Thank god with all that screaming, we can focus on the wrestling…” – Chris
Mickie leaps up to the top rope. Victoria catches her out of the rana though and Mickie sits up and Victoria drops her into a boston crab – Mickie rolls underneath for a headscrew…
“Is that a screw up?” – Hernandez
“No, but this is” – Mike
“This match?” – Hernandez
So Victoria throws her to the corner, Victoria charges in and Mickie leaps over for a sunset flip.. BUT MISSES OUCHIE OUCHIE! She pulls her down though anyway… Victoria drops to her knees and grabs the rope.
The ref sees it and gets pissed, Mickie rolls her up for the pin.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
Victoria then freaks out and throws the chair around.
“She’s turning into Chris Jericho” – Mike
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:31
Now let’s discuss Edge Cena – Who is winning?
“Don’t really care” – Chris
“Cena” – Bill
“…cena…” – Mike
“I think Cena’s walking away with it.” – Jenna
“Not the fans” – Eric
“I’m saying Edge.” – Me
“You are wishing..” – Bill
“Anyone can win? I say Mike Rotundo will win” – Hernandez
In the back Chrith Mathterth is talking to Eric Bischoff… DX wants to know what this is – a gratuitous book plug? They then GIVE us a gratuitous book plug! Bischoff is then asked if THEY are in the book. He explains that yes, he discusses that he says how DX is a blatent rip off of NWO…
“BLASPHEMY!” – Shawn
So they want to know if Chris Mathterth is going to write a book… and he says he’s considering one on nutrition.
“What are you gonna call it – how to lose 50 pounds in four weeks?” – Triple H
“That’s the line of the show” – Me
“That’s the line of the month” – Bill
“Were we really a rip off of the NWO?” – Shawn
“He who laughs last, laughs best…” – Trips
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…umm..ha…?” – DX
So we watch as the cage drops.
“The cage even has it’s own theme music” – Eric
“Which means it’s more prestigious than Snitsky.. nice.” – Me
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:37
JOHN CENA vs. EDGE
Steeel Caaage Maaaadnnessss
SIGN OF THE NIGHT: “Cena Cures Insomnia”
Lillian explains that you can win by pin, submission, or escaping the cage.
“Through the door.. or over the top.. this isn’t that hard” – Me
“There are more ways to win THIS match…” – Bill
Edge starts with the pummeling of Cena. He goes to throw Cena to the cage, but Cena blocks and throws him to the corner. Headslam. Suplex for two.
Edge now gets to his feet first and kicks Cena’s arm. It apparently hurts. He throws Cena to the corner and runs in for a kick to the elbow. Standing dropkick from Edge. Edge runs for the cage door, but he is caught and belly to back suplex for two.
Cena punches Edge to the corner. Toss to the counter corner – and Edge LEAPS for the Cage…. Cena runs after him and a bodyslam to the ring. Pin for two.
Cena gets to his feet, but Edge SHOVES him to the ropes. They get to their feet and fight it out. Cena grabs Edge for the FU…. Edge spins out for the DDT… and a TWO count. He locks Cena into an armlock.
Cena fights out of it… fireman’s carry to Edge and he goes for the Cage. He begins to climb up! Edge hurls him on the ropes and he goes nuts first. They fight their way up to the top of the turnbuckle. Edge eats a facefull of mat via bulldog.
“How come this is better than the TLC?” – Mike
“Cena’s not avoiding spots” – Me
COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:53
We’re back and a chinlock. Shocker.
Cena fights out into a belly to belly suplex. Edge throws Cena to the ropes – Edge hits the sidekick and they are both down. Edge drops to pin on him for two.
Edge now crawls to the door… fights his way out… he’s dragged back in. Kicks Cena right in the arm though. Edge now gets to his feet and throws Cena to the chain.
“He took that like a true thug” – Hernandez
“Cryme Time? Whuh?” – Eric
Edge now climbs.. gets to the top.. very top…. Cena up… runs up! We are now fighting on the VERY top.
“Edge is taking an FU” – Mike
“To the outside.. that would be awesome” – Hernandez
Sitting up there the fist fight continues. Edge fights Cena to the inside. Edge hanging on the outside, Cena holding onto his leg. Cena FINALLY pulls him back in….. they are fighting on the top rope. Edge grabs Cena. They fall back!
“Who was supposed to get hurt there?” – Bill
“Yes.” – Me & Eric
Edge goes for the pin. Two.
“RIVETING!” – Hernandez
“Mazel Tov!” – Eric
“Now they are going to play the crawling game..” – Bill
“The crying game?” – Eric
Edge gets his way to the top rope and Cena pulls the rope – Edge eats the nutshot this time.
“Have we EVER had a cage match without that happening?” – Hernandez
Cena hits a clothesline. Another. Crossbody. Spin-powerbomb. You Can’t See Me.
Grabs for the FU, Edge grabs the cage! Slams Cena RIGHT into the cage.
“The cage saved Edge. The cage beat Cena”
Edge goes for the corner. Cena runs up for the FU! Edge DROPS OUT OF IT! Goes for the DDT.. Pulled up for the FU! DROPPED BY EDGE WITH A
Edge now crawls for the door! Alllmossst out.. Cena runs in and GRAABS his leg.
“A MIGHTY LEAP!” – Bill
Lita tries to hand Edge a chair. The ref stops her and ejects her! Awww… Edge is upset by this, of course. To their feet now. Cena throws Edge into the corner. Cena charges and eats a boot!!! Edge hits the top turnbuckle! FLYING CLOTHESLINE!
CENA DUCKS! REF IS DEAD!
So now Edge has the chair! Ref is out. Cena ducks the chair! Spins! Grabs the chair! THWAAAACK!!!!!!!! He’s out! The ref’s out! Cena throws him into the STFU.. nobody to see what’s going on, as the ref tries to open the door…….
Murdoch and Cade charge the ring?!?! They give a high-low halfish Total Elimination on Cena and grab Edge… trying to pull him out. They got him to the outside of the door. Pulling him…
HERE COMES DX! Hunter slams Cade into the cage. Shawn superkicks Murdoch into the door into Edge! Ouchies…
“The Rube Goldberg spot!” – Bill
In the ring, the door’s open – both standing. FU from Cena. Pin. The End. Dammit.
WINNER: JOHN CENA
“Can I tell you how much I hate wrestling?” – Mike
“I got up to 30,000 sims.. not entertaining enough” – Chris
“I’d buy the book.. how to lose 50 pounds in 4 weeks” – Bill
“We need a new champ. We need a new feud. Now.” – Hernandez
“Chris Masters – made the show” – Jenna
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard those words…” – Me
“I meant Triple H” – Jenna
“I know” – Me
“I have no comment” – Eric
“It was better than last week, but I can’t wait for Cryme Tyme” – Mike
I liked this week’s show, hey, whatcha gonna do. So that having been said, we will see you next week – and if you want to be an Insider – join the forums, now!
Til next week – G’night all!
