In Memoriam: Johnny Apple, a reminder of the times when the Noo Yawk Times employed writers who believed that telling the truth and maintaining their journalistic integrity was their highest priority. A truly great reporter and role model for young writers.
So, what’s the excuse this week for no Tuesday column? Hey, this is an actual valid one that doesn’t involve work…
…okay, so if this one hadn’t come about, it would have involved work. Specifically, I was occupado all day with yet another job interview which lasted until 2:30, and I had to be at work at 5, which meant no sleep, plus my stomach was acting up on me again, making me take the last of the Nexium I was stockpiling, and…
…oh, to hell with it. Here’s the real reason. In order to use TEH INTRATUBEZ, one of the requirements is a functional computer. One of the things that makes a computer function, some might say the key reason, is electrical power. On Monday night, a massive storm did to the Chicagoland power grid what the Bears did to the Seahawks the night before. I just got power back on Wednesday morning. So, therefore, no Tuesday column. Simple as that. In fact, I think that’ll be my teaser graph for this column. Too bad, really. Slick Rick was in really great form when it came to Raw comments, and I would have loved to use them.
As for now, it’s Wednesday afternoon, the Damn Vaninator is in for service to tighten down the spare 12V socket, repair the cup holder, and, oh, yes, fix a little niggling thing with the transmission, the same one that disintegrated last year. And, yeah, it’s raining again, and that’s not a Supertramp reference. That’s all we need is more goddamn rain. And if the Damn Vaninator isn’t fixed by tonight, I’m going to have to take the old bat’s SUV to work with me, the one I’m supposed to get when she dies. Better than a rental car, I guess. Don’t want to do it, because I can’t smoke in the damn thing, and nicotine and caffeine are the two things that keep me sane when perambulating the highways and byways of the city and suburbs at oh-dark-thirty. But why complain? Because it’s fun, that’s why. And if I don’t start whining about Fate and how I’m her bitch, you’ll start to think I’ve been replaced by a Pod Person or by Murray, and I don’t want to worry you about that.
(And just to show you that life’s not fair, I wasn’t able to add on to my list of Nobel Winners I’ve Had As Teachers, although congrats are due to Doctors Smoot and Mather for their groundbreaking work on background radiation. Well, the count stays at two, I’m afraid.)
Oh, hell, I’m not even bothering with Raw this week. I’m sure that nothing important and momentous…what do you mean there was an IC title change?…WHO WON IT?!…please tell me you’re joking…you’re not? Oh, God…let me just finish up the paperwork for another USDA opening in Indiana. That should numb me enough to get over that news and get on with ECW, where they don’t do insane title changes just because…oh, wait, forgot about Van Dam and his bust.
Well, at least there was a show. And the way everyone’s been gushing about the Van Dam/Test match, I wonder if Rob’s been sending care packages to certain members of the IWC.
The Big Show and Matt Striker over Sandman and Sabu, Mark One versus Mark Two Match (Pinfall, Striker pins Sabu, TBS splash): Ever since Matt Striker won Luckiest Bastard Of The Year for 2005, he’s fallen upward. From fired schoolteacher to getting employed by the biggest firm in his selected field to getting a push, everything’s gone right for him. I wonder, though, how he really feels about being in the midcard in a revived ECW. Yes, the smaller the pond, the bigger the fish and all that, but it must be a slight bit of humiliation for him. Unless he thinks that this is just a small step on the way to, oh, Smackdown, where he now sees someone like Dave Fuckin’ Finlay in a world title match. That must give him encouragement. He must see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Just make sure it’s not the headlamps of an oncoming train, Matt, okay?
Little does Sabu know that Big Show hasn’t fallen for “Look, up in the sky!” for years now
Kevin Fertig over Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, Greco-Roman cane shot): It still strikes me as weird that a match on a show called “ECW” has to hide the use of a foreign object. Yes, I know, it’s not really ECW, but still. Tommy, as usual, made his opponent look great, and Fertig, as is becoming usual with him, turned in a damn good performance. Is it too soon to start making Glen Jacobs comparisons with Fertig? Okay, it took Jacobs until his third character to click, but not even Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel were as bad as Mordecai, so that makes up for that discrepancy.
Memo to Kevin Fertig: stop taking inspiration from watching Nasty Boys matches, please
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Danny Doring (Submission, Anaconda Vise): Doring must be wondering what’s taking Roadkill so long to come back. Really, as an ECW Original, he should be getting a little more respect than he is. I like the guy. He’s a good wrestler and all that. But he needs a little success to come his way, not to be used as chum for my homeboy Punk. Throw him a bone and use him as more than a jobber, please. The guy’s a damn good promo artist and has proven he can draw heat as a heel. Let him try again.
Oh, Doring does so not deserve this
Test over Rob Van Dam, Extreme Rules Match (Pinfall, neckbreaker): Okay, so the imbeciles were right. This was a damn good match. Test has finally found himself after all of these years looking as lost as a two-year-old in a mall at Christmastime. He’s finally found his particular place and milleu. In any other match, he’s still shitty. Give him Extreme Rules to work with, and someone as experienced as Van Dam to play off of, and he shines. Of course, we should have known this for a long time. Remember the match against Shane and how great that was? Obviously, I was a little nervous seeing that there was nearly twenty minutes left in the show when this match began, but they filled it nicely. There had to be interference, but it was kept to a relative minimum and was an organic part of the story. This match just worked. Hell, even the Topeka ‘Tards helped out by getting into it heavily.
Given the recent drastic improvement in the show, one question has to be asked: Dave Lagana was completely ass for the longest time as head writer of Smackdown. Has he sat down with himself, remembered into his past, and recaptured what made the original so great? Or is the fact that the improvement in ECW television roughly coinciding with Steph going on maternity leave more significant?
Rolling Thunder…on the floor…on to the steel steps…okay, that’s unique
The moment Test came of age as an Extreme Wrestler
“Look, I know that you just can’t resist them, but Vito’s getting really pissed about you raiding his wardrobe.”
I want to see her hole card
Okay, that’s one show down. I’ll be back sometime on Friday with the Impact edition of this little mess (and if you’re also going over to Popcorn Junkies, I should have something in there a little later for you too). That is, unless I have another interview or we get more rain here.