MIDWEEK PANCAKES
I didn’t post updates on the late games last weekend, as I was too busy trying to teach myself how to tie a noose as I watched Santana Moss, whom I benched on the fantasy team this week, score 3 TDs.
But, I’m nothing if not thorough. So in this week’s mid-week update, I attend to those games that I didn’t cover, courtesy of free NFL.com highlights. Let’s fire up the projector and pull up a seat.
(0-4) LIONS 34
(3-1) RAMS 41
– We open our montage with a shot of the St. Louis Arch, the gateway to flyover country.
– Jeff “Wilky” Wilkins gives the Rams the early lead.
– Jon Kitna drops back to hand the ball off to Kevin Jones, and the ball just up and jumps right out of his hands, and the Rams fall on it. If this did not happen, I think the Lions would have put up at least 60 points in this game.
– Bulger hits the evil Dr. von Klopfenstein in the end zone to put the Rams up 13-3. I’ve got a feeling there’s a whole lot of football left to be played here though.
– The Lions have the ball on the Rams 1. Handoff to Kevin Jones? Not with crazy old Mike Martz calling the shots! Kitna throws a deft pass to Mark Furrey for a diving TD catch, and Furrey is all like “Yeah, how you like me now old teammates!?!?” And the Rams are just like, “He used to play here?” Meanwhile, Batshit Old Mike Martz picks his nose and starts pointing at people. Furrey caught another TD pass after this one to put the Lions up 17-13, but I am not given the pleasure of seeing it.
– Third quarter action now, and Bulger calmly finds Torry Holt in the back of the end zone for a 16 yard touchdown pass. The Rams are back in front.
– Kevin Jones runs off tackle and shows some serious speed. He breaks a 35 yard TD run and the Lions now have a 27-23 advantage. Jones seems to be trying to incite the crowd. Perhaps the Lions feel at home in the St. Louis dome because they don’t get booed as much as they do at their real home.
– Stephen Jackson and Kevin Jones trade touchdown runs. Jones just flattens a Rams safety to get over the goal line on his run. Watching Jones, I’m very impressed. He has 2 TDs in this game, and they were TDs because of his efforts. He’s got power and is very fast. So I guess it’s a major indictment of the Lions’ O-line that he hasn’t been more successful.
– Wilkins hits a 47 yard field goal, and the Rams are down by a point with 6 minutes left.
– And since it’s the Lions, the game ends in defeat when Bulger sees that Isaac Bruce has used his motorized retirement scooter to get open near the end zone. Bulger passes to him, and that’s it for the Lions. Martz and Torry Holt embrace after the game, maybe a little ear licking going on there. Not sure from this angle.
(3-1) PATRIOTS 38
(3-1) BENGALS 13
– The fans at Paul Brown stadium are pumped up to welcome their Bengals home after they vanquished the Steelers in Week 3. They’re feeling good about themselves, they feel there is nobody on Earth who can beat them! They are enthusiastically doing the “Who Dat?” chant that they enthusiastically stole from Saints fans!
– Their joy becomes somewhat muted when Laurence Maroney scores on a perfectly executed sweep. The Patriots have a 7-6 lead.
– The Bengals then run a clinic on how not to play zone defense. The Patriots have twin wide receivers on the near sideline, one runs a short route, the other runs a deep route. Both the Bengal defenders converge on the guy running the short route, leaving Doug Gabriel uncovered for a 25 yard TD catch that puts New England up 14-6 shortly before the half.
– Carson Palmer gets labeled as he throws, but hits Houshmandzadeh over the middle. TJ makes a nice grab, then a nifty run after the catch for a big gainer.
– This leads to a Rudi Johnson TD run. The Bengals close to within a point at 14-13 midway thru the third quarter.
– Next comes an absolutely awesome run by Maroney. He bursts through the middle, then breaks about 27 tackles on his way to the end zone. Of course, the flip side of that was that there was some very poor tackling by the Bengals on this play. The Bengals defense is playing like they played last year, and that’s a bad thing.
– Palmer reaches waaaaay back to throw a pass, and while he is completing his windup, Jarvis Green strips the ball and recovers the fumble.
– Corey Dillon scores from a yard out, then launches the ball into the stands. As he does so, I’m sure he’s muttering some kind of profanity to himself, directed at the fans of his old team.
– Palme’s sacked again, and Ty Warren recovers the fumble.
– Maroney continues to sodomize the Bengals defense. I remember around last Christmas when Maroney gave an interview after U of Minnesota’s bowl game, and declared for the draft. I was like “Who are you?”. Well, now I know.
– It’s a blowout now, and Tom Brady adds onto the margin as he lofts a TD pass to a wide open Daniel Graham.
– Bill Belichick shakes hand with Marvin Lewis, and says something to him, I think it was “You’re my bitch.”. Lewis then pats him on the shoulder and says something back, I think it was, “Yes, I am.”
(1-3) BROWNS 24
(0-4) RAIDERS 21
– Browns! Raiders! I will now hide all the sharp objects around me, for my own protection.
– Art Shell and Romeo Crennel are two healthy looking men. By healthy I mean morbidly obese.
– Reuben Droughns gets MET at the line of scrimmage by Raiders DE Tyler Brayton. Droughns tries to make something out of nothing, and succeeds! He made something bad. He fumbles and linebacker Sam Williams picks it up and runs it in for the Raiders first touchdown of the season.
– Charlie Frye then overthrows Dennis Northcutt like a Thai prime minister, and the ball drops into the waiting arms Nnmadi Asomougha. The Browns might want to think about just doing kneel downs on offense, and punting on 3rd down from this point forward. It may be their best chance at winning. Actually, being that they are playing the Raiders it pretty much guarantees that they’ll win.
– Justin Fargas takes a hand off around right end. This is turned into a big play when Browns’ safety Sean Jones tries to cut this play off inside, instead of following Fargas out wide. It turns into a bigger play when RANDY MOSS of all people knocks corner Leigh Bodden on his duff. Then the Browns’ other safety Brian Russell, misses a tackle. Then Kamerion Wimbley tries to take Fargas down by his facemask. This is just some awesome defense by the Browns.
– Moss then out-jumps Davin Holly near the pylon and brings down the Raiders first offensive touchdown of the season. Can it be?? A victory for the Raiders??
– Let’s add Browns’ DT Alvin McKinley to the list of people making crappy defensive plays. On this play, Lamont Jordan runs a sweep to the left side, McKinley completely whiffs on an arm tackle attempt. Russell gets faked out of his jockstrap by Jordan, then Jordan just flat runs by Holly. The end result is a TD run of around 50 some yards by Jordan.
– So thanks a lot to the Browns defense, way to cost me 11 fantasy points on one play because none of you can tackle.
– Let’s keep in mind this is the RAIDERS making the Browns look this bad.
– The Raiders soon return to playing like the Raiders though. Frye runs a nice play fake and hits Darnell Dinkins in the back of the endzone to pull Cleveland to within 21-10 at the half.
– The next play is almost a duplicate of the first, except this time Kellen Winslow is way more open than Dinkins was, and the Browns are within 4 after trailing 21-3.
– Frye then throws a perfect ball in the corner of the endzone to Joe Jurevicius, who has Asomougha beat. Jurevicius makes the catch, but the official signals he was out of bounds. The replay clearly shows he’s inbounds though, and the play is overturned. Touchdown Cleveland, and they lead 24-21.
– The Browns are threatening to put the game away deep in Oakland territory with 3 minutes left, but Frye ends the threat with a retarded throw. He’s being chased to his right, then he throws all the way across the field to the left side of the end zone, where Asomougha makes the interception.
– This being the Raiders though, the next scene shows the game being over and the Browns being victorious. Way to go, pumpkinheads.
(2-2) JAGUARS 30
(2-2) REDSKINS 36 (OT)
– You know what’s awesome when you have a nice 15 point lead in fantasy football going into the late games? When the league as a whole decides they are not going to play any defense at all in those late games, and your lead has evaporated and then some by 4:30. That’s friggin awesome. I love that.
– You know what’s even better? When you bench somebody after 3 weeks in your lineup because he’s done jack shit in that time, then he decides to go off for 150 yards and 3 touchdowns. I LOVE THAT!!
– Our first clip shows the Redskins running, the flea flickah!! The GADGET PLAY!! Those always work! Except when they don’t. Like this one. It’s picked off by Rashean Mathis.
– Josh Scobee then makes a 40 yard field goal. He needed that. Bad. He misses. A lot.
– Here’s Moss’ first TD. Let’s count the number of people on Jacksonville’s defense who get embarrassed here.
1. The guy covering him. (Can’t make out who it is here)
2. Uh-oh”¦I think the officials may have missed a block in the back at around the 40 yard line. Regardless, let’s count that guy, who he runs past at warp speed.
3. The guy who bites the dust on the 30 yard line rather than get blown up by a Clinton Portis block.
4. And the coup de disgrace, safety Deon Grant just completely blows what should have been a TD saving tackle on the 13 yard line.
– Reggie Williams then busts a long RAC for a Jag touchdown, with an assist from Lemar Marshall and Mike Rumph, who miss tackles.
– We then are treated to Sean Taylor taking a sideline angle when the man whose running after the catch, Maurice Jones-Drew, takes it back toward the middle of the field instead, resulting in another million yard TD play. Glad I’m playing against Byron Leftwich here, and the Redskins can’t tackle. Jacksonville leads 17-10.
– Fast forward to late in the third quarter, and Portis dives in to give Washington a 20-17 lead.
– Santana Claus scores another TD, this one on a short crossing route, and he’s all happy. Yaaaay. Way to go. Bet you get 43 yards and no TDs next week when you are back in my lineup.
– The Jags pull to within 27-24 early in the 4th when Leftwich makes just a world class throw to Reggie Williams, splitting 2 defenders in the end zone. Williams’ helmet falls off on the catch, giving the opportunity to shake his dreds around, as if he’s rinsing off the can of you’re my bitch he just opened.
– We’re now down to 2 minutes left, and John Hall is good from 37 to put Washington up 30-27.
– Since it’s No-Defense Sunday, we now see Scobee setting up from 40 yards out, and sending the game to OT.
– Which of course, sets up the grim finale to my Sunday afternoon. On the first drive of OT, Brunell throws toward Moss on the left sideline, who makes a leaping grab, then blows past Jax corner Brian Williams, and this game is over. 36-30 Redskins.
(3-1) SEAHAWKS 9
(4-0) BEARS 37
– And now, the Bears’ finest hour in the last 20 years.
– We are greeted by fireworks and drunk Bear fans.
– Josh Brown opens the scoring with a chip shot field goal, and the Seahawks lead 3-0.
– I will remind you, my friend, that the Patriots also had a 3-0 lead in Super Bowl XX. Then, the pain began.
– The Bears now have the ball on the Seattle 10. Rex takes the snap, drops back, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy (he’s got happy feet, and a penchant for making poor decisions. I’m telling you, the league is going to catch up to him, and soon, and when it does, it won’t be pretty) and finds Muhsin Muhammad in the back of the end zone for a TD.
– After Robbie Gould puts the Bears up 10-3 early in the second quarter, Matt Hasselbeck does not see Bears nickel back Ricky Manning, who steps in and makes an interception, and runs it back to the Seattle 15. This is converted to another Gould field goal.
– Hasselbeck makes another bad decision on 3rd and 15, he’s being chased by Tommie Harris and Adewale Ogunleye deep in his own territory, and throws one up for grabs downfield, that’s picked off by Manning again. Manning runs it back to the end zone, but flags negate the touchdown.
– Thomas Jones finishes the job though, running it in from a couple of yards out, putting the Bears up 20-3.
– A Josh Brown chip shot makes it 20-6 Bears at halftime.
– Another 1 yard plunge for Jones makes it 27-6 Bears.
– Rex throws a perfectly thrown bomb to Bernard Berrian, who has Kelly Herndon beat. Berrian hauls it in for a 40+ yard TD pass, and the rest is academic.
– Taking nothing away from the Bears, this game turned on two mental mistakes by Hasselbeck in the second quarter. He played a large part in losing this game for Seattle.
(1-3) PACKERS 9
(3-1) EAGLES 31
– My satellite was out for this game, so this is the first I’ve seen of these highlights.
– We’re in the first quarter. Greg Jennings makes a nifty leaping grab on a sideline route, then slips a defender and gets down to the Philly 30.
– Favre then appears to hit Donald Driver in the end zone on a crossing route, but the play is apparently ruled out of bounds, as the Packers settle for a field goal and a 3-0 lead.
– Donte Stallworth beats Al Harris and a nifty curl route for a 20 something yard completion.
– The Eagles now have the ball on the goal line, and McNabb and Correll Buckhalter fudge up a handoff. Apparently, it looked like Buckhalter thought he was a decoy, while McNabb intended to give him the ball. The ball ends up on the ground, and the Packers recover.
– Buckhalter takes a swing pass from McNabb and turns it into a nice gain. Showing some quickness!
– LJ Smith takes an underneath pass from McNabb and gets down to the Green Bay 5 yard line.
– Buckhalter then has the ball stripped by Charles Woodson. That’s his second fumble inside the 5 yard line in one half. I will go out on the limb and say Buckhalter is never getting the ball inside the five yard line again.
– Vernand Morency fumbles it right back to the Eagles though. This is an awesome football game. Very well played.
– McNabb then scores on a QB draw up the gut. I’ll credit center Jamaal Jackson with a nice block that made it all possible. The Eagles now lead 7-3.
– Dave Rayner is money from 55 yards out! Then he hits a mere 45 yarder, and Green Bay takes a 9-7 lead into the locker room.
– Greg Lewis then beats Ahmad Carroll to pull in a 45 yard bomb, and the Eagles are in front 17-9. Ahmad Carroll, perhaps not coincidentally, was cut this week by the Packers.
– Lewis takes a pass at the 20 yard line, then runs in for a score. Marquand Manuel tried to tackle him at the 5, but well, that didn’t go so well.
– McNabb scrambles in from 15 yards out to ice the victory. What I like about this particular play, is that McNabb appears to raise the ball in celebration at about the 5, then sees AJ Hawk out of the corner of his eye bearing down on him, and is like “OH SHEET”, then does a stutter step move out of bounds. His foot got just inside the pylon, which I guess in a 24-9 game counts as a touchdown, because the ball went out at about the 1 ½ yard line.
– McNabb and Favre embrace after the game. A little bit of tonsil hockey ensues.
And that’s what happened in the late games. Check back tomorrow (Friday), I should have previews of this weekend’s games up by then.
