It’s a sunny, crisp Sunday morning in October. The dew is still on the grass, and the air is filled with anticipation of another day of NFL football. I’m as happy as a little girl.
But not everyone is as happy as me.
Nooo..there are teams for whom this week’s game could mean their season. Like both of my fantasy teams, they’ve stumbled to mediocrity in the first four weeks of the season, and with the first quarter gone, it’s time to kick it up a notch lest they be finished by halftime.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS (2-2)
NY GIANTS (1-2)
These teams face each other at 1 PM Eastern today at the Meadowlands, and it’s a must win for both teams. After sputtering in back-to-back season opening losses, the Washington offense is suddenly unstoppable, scoring 77 points in the last 2 weeks in wins over Jacksonville and Houston.
The Giants defense ranks 27th in the league, and hasn’t held anyone under 20 points all year. If these teams play the way they’ve played so far this year, it’ll be the Redskins winning the game, with the Giants falling to 1-3 and their season hanging by a thread.
KC CHIEFS (1-2)
ARIZONA CARDINALS (1-3)
The Cardinals suck even worse than they did before. They play no defense and can’t run the ball, and now they are starting a rookie at QB. So, yeah, they will still have a pulse if they win today, but for all intents and purposes you can write this off as another disappointing season in the desert. The Chiefs, on the other hand, have played great defense this year, which is unbelievable since they’re the Chiefs. It’s the offense that’s stumbled, which is kind of understandable because Damon Huard is their quarterback. They should be able to beat the Cards today though, and with a 2 game winning street and their QB presumably back soon, their arrow is pointing up.
Alright I’ve got a couple more teams to cover, but it’s nine AM and I gotta get to church. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, and will have updates on all the action throughout the day.
MIAMI DOLPHINS (1-3)
The Dolphins are already at the point the Giants are trying to avoid reaching. They are 1-3 because their offense has been terrible. It ranks 26th overall in the league. In order to avoid 1-4, which means you are absolutely dead in the rugged AFC, they’ll need to win today in Foxboro against a Patriots team that went into to Cincinnati and depantsed the unbeaten Bengals last week. The Patriots haven’t lost in the last 3 years when they are favored by more than 7 at home, and today they are 10 point favorites. Call PETA, the Dolphins will be dead by this afternoon.
PITTSBURGH STEELERS (1-2)
The defending champs have stumbled mainly because their quarterback has played the way he did in their Super Bowl win, badly. The Steelers offense ranks 28th in the NFL, and Ben Roethlisberger has a Kyle Orton-like 34.3 rating in his two starts this year. They also happen to be on the road in San Diego this week against the league’s top ranked defense. Could the Champs actually start 1-3? Well, duh, I told you before their season opener they would go 6-10 this year. It’s in Revelations, people.
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-2)
The Jags shut out the Steelers on Monday Night in Week 2, were 2-0 and looked for all the world like a bona fide Super Bowl contender. Then they had two tough road losses at Indy and Washington, and now they’re just another 2-2 team. They had a cake schedule last year, this year it’s brutal. This is still a really, really good team. Nonetheless, you look at the numbers, and you see an 18th ranked offense and a 14th ranked defense, so yeah, 2-2 sounds about right. They’re at home against the surprising Jets today, and will be missing WR Matt Jones. The Jets are 2-12 in the last 3 years when they are dogs by more than a field goal, and today they’re 6 1/2 point doggies. The Jags should right the ship, and get back above .500.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (2-2)
The Vikings have done a complete 180 in the last couple seasons as far as style of play. They’ve gone from being one of the most dangerous offensive teams, with a suspect defense, to a team that is very solid defensively, but struggles to score. They haven’t scored over 20 points all season, but haven’t allowed over 20 either. Today they face an 0-4 Lions team at home. The Lions are 3-11 over the last 3 seasons against the NFC North, so this should be a slam dunk win for the Vikings. They need it, because a loss puts them virtually 4 games out of first (the Bears beat the Vikings in Week 3, and should win at home v. Buffalo today), and pretty much puts an end to that divisional race.
CAROLINA PANTHERS (2-2)
The Cats may be on a two game winning streak, but it hasn’t been a pretty two game winning streak. They eked out wins over the Bucs and Saints. This week they face a Browns team that won its first game of 2006 last week, but looked horrible in doing so, beating an inept Raiders team 24-21. This is as good an opportunity as any for the Panthers to get Jake Delhomme, and their defense, which have both underperformed this year, on track.
And that’s the lowdown on the teams that need to win this week. But will they?? Check back periodically throughout the day, and I will keep you posted on another frantic NFL Sunday!
12:30 UPDATE
Defense seems to be the rule of the day so far, as pretty much all of our games are low scoring thus far:
BEARS 6, BILLS 0 2:49 Q1
Robbie Gould has a pair of field goals. Rex Grossman is struggling so far, he is 3 of 9 for 27 yards. Thomas Jones has picked up the slack though, with 35 yards on 6 attempts.
PANTHERS 7, BROWNS 3 13:42 Q2
Richard Marshall’s pick six on Charlie Frye has given the Panthers the lead. Steve Smith has 3 catches for 30 yards for the Cats.
VIKINGS 3, LIONS 0 13:38 Q2
Chester Taylo’s 7 carries for 47 yards have been the only offense here so far. Brad Johnson’s completed all 6 of his pass attempts.
PATRIOTS 3, DOLPHINS 0 12:33 Q2
Joey Harrington has played well, completing 7 of 8 for 50 yards for Miami, but once again, they are having problems running the ball. Only 12 yards on 6 attempts for Ronnie Brown.
PACKERS 10, RAMS 7 13:12 Q2
The Rams took the early lead on a Bulger to Torry Holt TD pass, but the Pack has answered with a Noah Herron TD run, and a long completion from Favre to Greg Jennings which set up Dave Rayne’s go-ahead field goal.
BUCS 7, SAINTS 3 14:04 Q2
Bruce Gradkowski makes his first NFL start for the Bucs, and has looked good. His TD pass to Joey Galloway has given the Bucs a 7-3 lead in the Superdome. Deuce McAllister already has 60 yards on 4 carries for NO.
TITANS 7, COLTS 0 12:57 Q2
This is the most surprising result so far. Peyton Manning continues to have problems early in the game. He’s only 3 of 7 for 21 yards. The Colts have already surrendered 103 rushing yards, including a Vince Young TD run to give Tennessee the lead on the road.
REDSKINS 3, GIANTS 3 14:14 Q2
Eli to Amani Toomer for 44 yards set up Jay Feely’s equalizing field goal, after the Skins took the early lead.
1:30 UPDATE
BEARS 27, BILLS 0 HALFTIME
This Bears team looks like they could be the most dominating team we’ve seen in the NFL this decade. I’ll just throw that out there.
PANTHERS 14, BROWNS 3 HALFTIME
As I mentioned earlier, this is a critical game for Carolina. They’re doing what they should be doing with the Browns, beating them by a big margin. Jake Delhomme had a nice first half completing 14 of 18 and throwing a TD to Keyshawn Johnson.
LIONS 10, VIKINGS 3 HALFTIME
The Vikings are severely limited by an offense that does absolutely nothing downfield. Brad Johnson’s completed 11 passes, but only for 80 yards. The Lions lead despite rushing for only 12 yards in the first half. Kevin Jones has 4 yards on 7 carries.
PATRIOTS 13, DOLPHINS 10 HALFTIME
How about Joey Harrington throwing for 176 yards in the first half against New England? Could this be the spark the Dolphins needed? Joey Harrington?
RAMS 14, PACKERS 13 HALFTIME
The Packers aren’t a good team, but they do have a good offense. So good that they can plug in Noah Herron at running back, and he gets 73 rushing yards in the first half. Still, the Rams lead on the road and can go to 4-1 if they hang on.
SAINTS 10, BUCS 7 HALFTIME
The Deuce is loose!! Oh yes he is. 117 yards and a TD in the first half. You know who is starting him on his fantasy team this week? Me.
TITANS 10, COLTS 0 HALFTIME
Time for Peyton Manning to stop playing like a little bitch. Travis Henry ran for 114 yards in the first half.
GIANTS 9, REDSKINS 3 13:30 Q3
Today we apparently get the bad Redskins. Eli had a great first half, throwing for 193 yards.
2:30 UPDATE
BEARS 40, BILLS 0 4:36 Q4
Everyone else in the league is playing for second place right now.
PANTHERS 17, BROWNS 9 8:30 Q4
Carolina hasn’t been able to put the Browns away yet. The Panther defense is much better today than it’s been so far this year though.
LIONS 17, VIKINGS 16 7:31 Q4
The Vikings score 13 points in a little over a minute to pull within 1. That 1 though, is a a missed Ryan Longwell extra point.
PATRIOTS 20, DOLPHINS 10 9:11 Q4
Miami PI penalty sets up Tom Brady’s TD pass to Heath Evans, giving the Pats some breathing room.
RAMS 23, PACKERS 13 9:53 Q4
The Packer offense has gone cold in the second half, will need to get really hot if they’re going to come back.
BUCS 21, SAINTS 17 9:55 Q4
Rookie QB Bruce Gradkowski brings the Bucs back from 17-7. His TD pass to Alex Smith puts them in front.
COLTS 14, TITANS 13 5:10 Q4
Colts are in full-on bitch mode in this game, the way they usually play against bad teams.
GIANTS 16, REDSKINS 3 3:43 Q4
Hey Santana Moss, where are your 3 TDs this week? I KNEW you would do nothing when I put you back in the lineup this week.
4:00 UPDATE
The early games are final.
– The Bears cruise to a 40-7 blowout over Buffalo. Thomas Jones had 109 yards rushing for the Bears, while Cedric Benson had the first 2 TDs of his NFL career. Rex Grossman had TD passes to Bernard Berrian and Rashied Davis.
– Carolina gets it done against the Browns 20-12 to go to 3-2 on the season. DeShaun Foster had 106 yards rushing.
– The Lions completely collapsed in the 4th quarter, giving up 2 defensive TDs and 23 points. Minnesota beats the Lions 26-17 and Detroit is 0-5. 123 rushing yards for Chester Taylor.
– New England gets a divisional win at home against Miami, 20-10. The Dolphins are 1-4, and they are toast. Joey Harrington isn’t the answer, he was picked off twice with 0 TDs.
-The Rams hold on to pick up a win at Lambeau, and are a surprising 4-1. This despite surrendering 106 rushing yards to the immortal Noah Herron. Greg Jennings had 108 receiving yards and a TD in a losing effort for the Pack.
– The Saints are also 4-1 after beating the Bucs 24-21. If you said before the season that the Rams and Saints would be 4-1 after 5 weeks of play, you know nothing about football. Deuce McAllister had 123 rushing yards, while Reggie Bush scored his first NFL TD, a 65 yard punt return that proved to be the game winner.
– Indy remains undefeated with a 1 point win at home over Tennessee.
– Washington’s offense sucks again. They manage 3 points against a Giants team that gave up 42 points in the first half of its last game. The Skins are now 2-3.
And we’ve got lots to update in the late games:
CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 3 3:40 Q2
Matt Leinart, 8 of 11 for 102 yards and 2 TDs. Commence the nipple rubbing.
JAGUARS 28, JETS 0 7:10 Q2
Since Maurice Jones-Drew is playing one of my unfortunate fantasy teams this week, he has 2 TDs, as does the Vikings defense, who are also playing that same team. That’s how shit works around here.
NINERS 7, RAIDERS 6 5:39 Q2
The new Bay of Pigs rivalry. Oh, and why isn’t Lamont Jordan rushing for 150 yards this week? Or is that only when he plays against me?
EAGLES 10, COWBOYS 7 13:19 Q2
Westbrook scores a TD, what else is new. TO hasn’t caught a pass.
MONDAY UPDATE
Since I conked out on covering the second half of the late games on you, just as they did last week, they get the film school treatment.
CHIEFS AT CARDINALS
– Here’s Matt Leinart’s first NFL highlight, which features him loping back and lofting a lawn jart over the Chiefs Cover 2. Anquan Boldin camps under it and pulls it in for the easy six. Lenny Walls is the corner getting beat on this one, showing the laissez-faire style of coverage that got him shipped out of Denver. I like pointing out who screws up on these plays, it’s even more fun then pointing out the obvious of who made the play work.
– The next Leinart TD pass looks like about as difficult as throwing an inbounds pass in basketball. Larry Fitzgerald walks 10 yards to the end zone, turns around, and says here throw me the ball. The KC defense stands around and looks at one another. Cards lead 14-0 early.
– 14 points is nothing when you have a Damon Huard at your disposal though. He quickly answers with a look-in pass to LJ. Larry brushes off Karlos Dansby and gets to the end zone.
– The next clip shows Tony Gonzalez batting the ball in the air to himself like 5 times, while Cardinal defenders bounce off of him like he’s coated in flubber. Gonzalez eventually reels the ball in.
– Huard then throws an absolutely perfect ball in the corner of the end zone to Samie Parker, who catches it for a TD despite being interfered with by Robert Tate. The catch pulls the Chiefs to within 20-17 with 9 1/2 minutes to play.
– Leinart then throws a sideline pass to Boldin, but Ty Law steps in front and picks it off. This sets up a game tying field goal by Laurence Tynes.
– The Chiefs have the ball deep in their own territory with 2 minutes left, and it’s time for some Damon Huard magic. He dumps it off to LJ, and the refs ignore a blatant hold which springs Larry Johnson for an 80 yard gain down to the Arizona 10.
– Antrel Rolle decides the only way to stop him is to rip his head off. So he grabs the facemask and twists LJ’s head around like he’s a Man-E-Faces action figure.
– Tynes then puts the Chiefs ahead with a chip shot field goal. It’s their first lead of the day, but it happens to be with 1:36 left to play.
– Neil Rackers has a chance to tie it with 7 seconds left from about 50 yards out. Oh this game is so tied, Neil Rackers is so money.
– Except when he’s not. The kick goes wide right. The Cardinals mascot pounds the ground like a grieving Sicilian widow. The game is over. 23-20 Chiefs. The Cardinals are 1-4 and their goose is cooked. KC evens their record after an 0-2 start.
JETS AT JAGUARS
– Is it just me or does it seem like these 2 teams play each other 5 times a year?
– Pennington rolls out and fires over the head of Lavaernues Coles, and into the hands of Jags corner Brian Williams.
– Maurice Jones-Drew then runs in untouched 6 yards out to put the Jags up 7-0.
– Hey, here’s a TD for Fred Taylor too. I will note that both of these plays would have been TDs in flag football.
– Jets’ punter Ben Graham gets a ball blocked, and the Jags recover on the Jets five yard line. The Jets are rapidly losing cabin pressure.
– Jones-Drew gets stacked up on the 3, and a rugby scrum ensues, which is won by the Jags. MJD has 4 teammates pushing him forward, somehow this is not a penalty. 21-0 Jacksonville early in the second quarter.
– Pennington then throws a pass that actually looked like it was intended for Jags DB Terry Cousin, who returns it deep into Jets territory.
– Leftwich runs play action and finds George Wrightster in the end zone to make it 28-0 Jax.
– God Bless America…who the hell is Pennington throwing to? This pass is thrown right to Deon Grant, who, of course, plays for the other team.
– The only drama remaining now is whether Chad will tell the media they are priviliged to cover him in the post game press conference.
– Another TD for Reggie Williams. That dude is red hot. It’s 38-0 Jacksonville now I think. Jags win 41-0.
– Leftwich and Pennington embrace after the game. They both went to Marshall! Maybe we can get Randy Moss to parachute in.
COWBOYS AT EAGLES
– TO tying his shoe.
– TO picking his nose.
– TO sneezing.
– TO catching a pass, only 10 more and he will have as many receptions as Wesley Welker does this year.
– Brian Westbrook and Marion Barber each scoring a TD. Who cares.
– TO.
– McNabb fumbles and DeMarcus Ware takes it back 69 yards for a TD. That could only have happened because McNabb was pre-occupied with thoughts of TO.
-McNabb recovers with a 1 yard plunge to put Philly back ahead 17-14. Oh the McNabb-TO mind games!!
– Bledsoe runs a 10 yard bootleg into the end zone to give the Cowboys a 21-17 lead at the half. He looked like TO on that play.
– Dallas safety Pat Watkins shows what happens when you have 5th round rookies on the field. They get scorched by somebody named Hank Baskett for an 87 yard TD.
– Reggie Brown scores on a flea flicker bomb to give the Eagles a 31-24 lead with nine minutes remaining. If only they showed that kind of creativity when TO played for them, TO might have 7 Super Bowl rings instead of the 5 he already has, to go with his 4 MVP trophies.
– TO TO TO.
– Lito Sheppard takes an INT back 102 yards. Eagles win 38-24.
– Leaving us all to ponder, how will this impact TO?
– Bill Parcells has only his own gigantic tits to console him after a tough divisional loss.
