MVP’s Debut Match
PK: Wouldn’t it be hilarious if MVP ends up losing? I don’t see that happening, look for the consistent jobber to be his opponent.
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MVP
Eric Szulczewski: What’s the matter with people? They can’t type out “Montel Vontavious Porter”? Instead, they have to revert to the retarded use of initials, repeating the behavior of when they were confronted with the sheer, utter torture of typing out “John Bradshaw Layfield”? Learn the English language, you chatspeaking amoebae. Now, as to this match, there are only two realistic possibilities for Mistah Porter’s opponent. The first is Scotty Go Potty, the designated bitch for all introductory matches now that Holly’s gone to ECW and is getting a major upper-mid-card push. I hope it isn’t. That means we’ll have an extraordinarily dull match with Porter being the obvious winner. The other possibility is more tantalizing. That would be Jimmy Yang. They’re doing a reverse push with Yang right now that’s been working. Now’s the time for the upset victory in a fluky fashion. Yang comes away with a cheap win, and you have the beginnings of what should be a terrific comedy mid-card feud that should help elevate both guys. Obviously, Porter has to go into the “rednecks hate blacks” racism charge, just for the sheer hilarity. It’s come to our attention that Mistah Michael Hayes is now the head writer of Smackdown, so I’ll throw out a message to him: Michael, it was you that was one of the main causes of me become a wrestling fan back in 1982. Since then, I’ve defended you against the likes of Scooter and assisted in spreading the True Freebirds Gospel like a good little mark. I even defended you during the worst of the Dok Hendrix days. I’ve become one of the IWC’s most popular whores on Badstreet. You owe me a little something. Well, I’d like to cash in. Make the Porter/Yang feud happen and let them play this thing out. And if you could end it by getting Yang and Noble back together, I’d appreciate it. Thanks, your bitch for life, Eric. XXXOOO
Opponent – Jimmy Yang
Winner – Jimmy Yang
Iain Burnside: Explode, and tear this whole town apart. Take a knife and cut this pain from my heart. Pretty soon, I’ll be itching for something to start…
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MAINLY VAGINAL PENIS
CJ Ambrosia: So MVP gets his big debut. Who’s it gonna be? I think it’ll be Tatanka, based on his performance over the last few weeks. MVP will win, but Tatanka will pull off another miracle here.
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MVP
Troy Hepple: So far he’s been acceptable, but he’s getting very old very quickly. I want to like the character, I’m a fan of anything over the top obnoxious, so MVP should be an instant hit with me. Anyways. People usually win their debut match, but out of the few opponents he’s up against he doesn’t fare very well. We’ve got Vito, a returning Chris Benoit, or Tatanka. Isn’t this Matt Hardy’s usual position? Oh, that’s right, Hardy vs. Helms again. I expect them to hold off Benoit’s return until we’re used to MVP, or for an instant feud against Kennedy, Guerrero, or Booker. Which leaves Vito or Tatanka. Cross Dresser beats Indian.
Opponent – Vito
Winner – Vito
Jeremy Lambert: Doesn’t matter who he faces because he will win. Does Tatanka have a match? No? Fine, Tatanka will job to MVP.
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MVP
Danny Wallace: Tatanka has some sort of losing streak going, so let’s add another one to the pile.
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MVP
Vinny Truncellito: Scott “Too Hot” Taylor seems to be the sacrificial lamb of the SD roster these days. One W-O-R-M later, MVP gets his very first win. Let’s hope this guy has SOMETHING to offer.
Opponent – S2H
Winner – With all this hype, MVP had BETTER win!
Mark Neeley: There’s one of three people MVP will face: Tatanka, Vito or Scotty II Jobby. Scotty could be fed his bait just like he was to the failed Mordecai experiment. Vito seems to be the only one they would even put on camera, so let’s go with him.
Opponent – Vito
Winner – MVP
Matthew Michaels: It’s his debut, and I’m going to have to assume that they LIKE Antonio Banks, otherwise why rush him into things like this? WWE NEVER does that. I think they need to put MVP into a situation in which he can show off, so my gut tells me a cruiserweight who can sell gets the call here. So do they sacrifice Jamie Noble here? Will anyone CARE about that? What about a returning Joey Mercury, who came up with Helms and the Hardyz in North Carolina and would be a familiar face? I guess if they want to punish him rather than have him come back to a big pop, that’s what they’ll do. Or maybe they just go with Scotty 2 Hotty, since the fans always cheer him… Decisions, decisions. I think I’ll take a flier here, based on a running storyline that actually makes sense here…
Opponent – Tatanka
Winner – MVP
The Undertaker vs. Mr. Kennedy
PK: Since this match is Non-Title, I see it as the perfect opportunity for UT to beat down the big mouth.
Winner – Undertaker
Eric Szulczewski: I am so going to enjoy watching Calloway beat the piss out of FudgePacker. And since this is non-title, he gets to do it with impunity. I want blood, gore, severed limbs, and body parts strewn all over. I want FudgePacker to disappear off my screen permanently due to the fact that he’s been turned into 80% lean ground sirloin (or maybe ground ham is more appropriate). Some of that will happen. But not enough for my sake. BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!
Winner – The Undertaker
Iain Burnside: The sun is shining and the kids are shouting loud, but you gotta know it’s shining through a crack in the cloud. The shadows keep on falling when Johnny comes marching home…
Winner – Vince Russo might introduce The Pisstaker to TNA, but WWE has THE UNDERTAKER
CJ Ambrosia: Kennedy has been strong on the mic since this “mini-feud” started a few weeks ago, but can he back it up in the ring? Most signs point to “no”, but it’s the Undertaker; how much worse can it get? Logic dictates that Taker wins clean, but I think Ken takes this one via DQ or somesuch, then loses in the rematch at Survivor Series.
Winner – Ken Kennedy
Troy Hepple: I was surprised with how much chemistry that Batista and Kennedy had together, so I’m hoping for another surprise between these two. Even with all the surprises we’ve seen on SmackDown lately. However, Undertaker’s slowed it down a lot in the ring. If he’s going to make Kennedy though then we should be able to count on him for a good match. Who wins? If they’re going to have a rematch for the United States Championship, then Undertaker. Otherwise, it’s Mr. Kennedy winning .. and I don’t expect to see a rematch for the title.
Winner – Mr. Kennedy
Jeremy Lambert: I don’t like Kennedy, there, I said it. I personally think almost everyone in the IWC has got on his bandwagon because he can say his name twice…twice. I think he’s an ok worker but nothing special and unless he faces Benoit week after week, he will be nothing special. That said, he needs to go over in this match. Undertaker is at the end of his career and Kennedy is being groomed into the next Champion. So will Taker do the right thing and put Kennedy over cleanly? Don’t count on it.
Winner – Kennedy by DQ
Danny Wallace: I’m looking forward to this, as it’s a chance for a new star to shine, so to speak. We’ll see how much the Undertaker thinks of Kennedy by the amount of selling he does, so be on the lookout for that. I can see Taker winning this one, then Kennedy not letting it rest and building a long-ish feud out of it.
Winner – The Undertaker
Vinny Truncellito: If Mean Mark had any sense at all of doing what’s good for business, he’d lie down for an up-and-comer like Kennedy in the middle of the ring, while the aura and mystique he’s built over his career can still mean enough to “make” somebody. Sadly, the rational side of me doesn’t think he will do the right thing, but here’s to hoping against hope.
Winner – Mr. Kennedy
Mark Neeley: The Packer doesn’t defeat UT, and doesn’t lose the US strap.
Winner – Underseller
Matthew Michaels: I’d actually like to see Matt Hardy beat Helms here so he can go on to feud for the US title, ya know, since his brother has that other secondary heavyweight belt… But after his loss to Taker, Kennedy will need an easy rehab win, and WWE always seems to call on Mr. Mattitude for that one. Oh, yeah, THIS match. I think what WWE SHOULD do is give Kennedy a surprisingly close match, but Taker gets the win here unless Ken’s brother Jay Bower comes out surprisingly to help out.
Winner – The Undertaker
Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms
PK: It would be nice if Matt dropped a few pounds, and actually contended for the title, but since the CW division is worthless without a good face, something that hopefully Jimmy Yang, or possibly Noble can achieve, this looks to be the best we can get. I’m going to go with Helms, because someone behind the scenes has a hard on for keeping Matt down.
Winner – Helms
Eric Szulczewski: The two nancies get to flit about their home base of operations, prancing around like a pair of fairies on crystal meth. Watch as they start blowing spots (among other things) as they reminisce about the continual orgy in the OMEGA locker room, not knowing how much they’re disappointing their brain-dead female fanbase by being unwilling to enjoy their nubile charms. They’re going to give this one time, since the stip here is “Loser has to top” and neither one wants to do that, oh, no. The aforementioned, of course, does not imply anything about the sexual preference of either Miss Hardy or Miss Helms.
Winner – Taste-impaired gay men everywhere…oh, wait, we’re now keeping track of winners and losers, aren’t we? That means I have to write in a name. If this doesn’t go Double DQ to extend this feud (which I think it will), I’ll go with Novocaine, since Mattsy-poo is everyone’s bitch these days.
Iain Burnside: Cause love’s such an old fashioned word, and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, and love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves…
Winner – time to party like t’were two-thousand with MATT HARDY
CJ Ambrosia: This is another one that has had a decent amount of build, and if Helms can get the rocks out of his ass and do some flying around the ring instead of this “ground and pound” baloney that he’s been doing lately, this could be quite the little match. I see no reason to bury Hardy here, which means they will.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Troy Hepple: Hardy wins. I don’t see why not, anyways. It’s not a title match so a victory for Helms isn’t going to further the Cruiser Weight Championship, just alienate it from the division .. but with how many defenses we’ve seen lately I don’t think the Championship could be further away from the Division anyways. Hardy wins and gets elevated to the United States title, creative gets bored of him, and in a few months again gets another slight push which leads to nothing. Rather, rinse, repeat.
Winner – Matt Hardy
Jeremy Lambert: I don’t care about this match because I hate Hardy and since Helms is aligned with Hardy out of the ring, I hate him too.
Winner – Matt Hardy
Danny Wallace: No Mercy is shaping up to be a pretty damn good card, and this is another match I’m looking forward to. They’re both friends, so they’ll both go the extra mile and put one another over, probably work a little stiffer, and generally put on a great match. Not too sure where the feud’s going, but screw it, I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Vinny Truncellito: I think WWE will think long-term here, and give Helms the victory in order to allow for this feud to continue. The in-ring action has been too good to blow this off so soon.
Winner – Gregory Helms
Mark Neeley: Non-title so who cares (not to say anyone would anyway …), Hardy wins.
Winner – Matt Hardy
Matthew Michaels: Yeah, this match doesn’t really make sense on any level except to pop the hometown crowd, so I’m gonna have to go against my better judgment and pick Matt here, even though it doesn’t make any sense to job a champion in a non-title match unless the opponent, ya know, has a chance to WIN said title down the road (and Matt just can’t be convincing as a cruiser anymore). It’ll be a great match, anyway…
Winner – Matt Hardy
Chavo Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio – Falls Count Anywhere
PK: Here are the simple facts. Mysterio has a knee problem, which has been needing rest since April. Chavo has the Guerrero name that just might finally get him over as an upper mid-card. Chavo needs this win badly to solidify that.
Winner – Chavito
Eric Szulczewski: And this feud continues, despite the desire of everyone for it not to. Well, at least they have a slight justification to do it now, since we’re coming up on the first anniversary of Eddy’s death and they can ratchet it up for one final blowout at Survivor Series, either in a cage match or in a death match. Since it’s continuing, that makes the winner obvious, and, yes, folks, Vicki-ference will be a key here.
Winner – Chavito
Iain Burnside: Silly rule, golden words make practice, practice makes perfect, perfect is a fault and fault lines change…
Winner – he ain’t white and he ain’t right, he’s CHAVO GUERRERO
CJ Ambrosia: I really don’t care about this at all. There doesn’t seem like there’s ANYTHING for either one to do after this match, so expect it to drag on at least another month, maybe wrapping it up at Survivor Series. No matter what happens though, we’re sure to see more of Vicki’s incredibly large ass. Whoopie.
Winner – Chavo Guerrero
Troy Hepple: A possible match of the night, yes, but that doesn’t tell us who the winner will be. If we’re going to take Vickie seriously as a manager (and I’m hoping we begin to, I’m enjoying her so far) then logic says that Chavo should take this victory. But, Mysterio’s going for a few months, and they’ll need a reason for him to be gone .. he wins the match and gets taken out by Chavo is what will probably happen. I’m hoping for the former.
Winner – Chavo Guerrero
Jeremy Lambert: This feud is still going on? Unless Rey hits a hurricanrana on a car, I don’t see the point of falls count anywhere. Am I supposed to believe that their blood is so bad that they will eliminate wrestling from their minds and brawl the entire match? I hope not, because I don’t. As long as Vickie gets kicked in the stomach of something, this feud has been meaningless to me and has dragged on far too long. And while this match may end the feud, I can’t see it ending the storyline. I think Chavo goes over just because Rey has delayed knee surgery for months now.
Winner – Chavo
Danny Wallace: It’s REALLY time to end this sheud (my new word for a shit feud), as nobody seems to care anymore and it’s not being pushed as a main feud either. Pointless and dragging on too much. Time to end it I think, hopefully with either a kayfabe injury to Mysterio, or him going on a sabbatical, giving Chris Benoit something to do when he eventually returns. I can’t decide on the winner though. Chavo goes over, Mysterio looks weak. Mysterio goes over, Chavo loses momentum. Who knows…?
Winner – Rey Mysterio
Vinny Truncellito: I think Rey’s due for a little retribution, but let’s hope this one isn’t put to bed yet. Just like Hardy/Helms, this feud has been smokin’ hot between the ropes, and should continue. Even the tag combo of Hardy/Mysterio versus Helms/Guerrero has provided some wonderful television for us wrestling fans.
Winner – Mysterio
Mark Neeley: Just end.
Winner – Chavito Guerrero
Matthew Michaels: Unfortunately this one’s pretty much been projected; we all know Rey’s knees are shot and he’s needed surgery for the better part of a year. Chavo needs the win, and to go on to bigger and better things. Plus we’re a month away from the one-year anniversary of Eddie’s death, and if they’re gonna keep doing this tasteless angle, at least let’s get the two people who’ve grieved the most a few extra paydays out of it.
Winner – Chavo Guerrero
Brian Kendrick & Paul London (c) vs. Idol Stevens & KC James – WWE Tag Team Titles
PK: In a world full of heel tag teams, the faces need to keep the straps. The Pet’s have plenty of potential, but it’s just too early to give them the belts…look what happened to Cade & Murdoch when they got the straps too quickly.
Winners – HooliganZ
Eric Szulczewski: No, we didn’t abuse the Homoeroticism Meter enough by having Helms/Hardy on the card. Let’s blow it out with this one, shall we? Fortunately, we have eye candy to look at. Massaro doesn’t float my boat, but McCool is projecting the same image that turned a certain departed diva into My Beautiful and Beloved back in WCW. Therefore, I’m going to give it to the men she’s bearding for. They’re going to repeat the MNM push with James and Stevens (or if you’re an idiot unpaid stringer for 1bullshit Junior, “Idol and Stevens”), and it starts now.
Winners – James and Stevens
Iain Burnside: Every step takes a beat of your heart. Through a city that’s falling apart. On a night that rises and clears. In a sky that’s clouded by years…
Winners – they’ll get the blonde chick over at least, they are… um, JAMES & STEVENS? Lllllllame.
CJ Ambrosia: This could have been the match of the night if Noble and Kash were involved. I just don’t see this being the classic it wants to be though; Idol and James are still too green. It’ll be decent for sure, but thanks to Kash’s firing, it’s a bit of wasted potential now.
Winners – London and Kendrick
Troy Hepple: Of course I’m looking forward to this match. Do I want Stevens and Idols to get the titles? No, I think they’re bland. Great wrestlers but zero personality. McCool doesn’t have enough personality to compensate for them, sadly. However, if they’re going to get off the ground then I see no reason for them not to win. Maybe that’s all they need to get off the ground? Of course, we all know I want London and Kendrick to keep the championships – and that way, Ashley keeps a job for sure.
Winners – Stevens and Idol
Jeremy Lambert: Like I follow the WWE tag division, on Smackdown no less. Are James and Stevens the team with the hott teacher manager? If so, then they win.
Winners – James and Stevens
Danny Wallace: I’m really not feeling the James & Stevens tag team at all, and I don’t know why. Probably because a) they have McCool as their manager, and b) they don’t look like a tag team. In my opinion it’s too early into the feud for a title switch, so I’d go with London & Kendrick retaining.
Winner – London & Kendrick
Vinny Truncellito: With the PitBulls unceremoniously eliminated from the tag title scene due to David Cash’s release, one sure fire way to keep things interesting would be to switch the titles here, especially on a ppv where I predict no other major developments. I like The Hooliganz, but a title change in this match would only guarantee more hot tag team action on the Friday nights to come.
Winners – James and Stevens
Mark Neeley: Nothing has compelled me to write ANYTHING about this match … let’s just say Stevens & James get the wins.
Winners – Stevens & James
Matthew Michaels: It’s just too soon. Stevens and James don’t have enough seasoning yet, and even if they did I refuse to root for a team that doesn’t have a team name (although they’ve hinted at being the “Teacher’s Pets”), matching tights or a good theme song. Here’s hoping Jimmy Wang Yang and Jamie Noble team up and do a run-in so we can get the HooliganZ some more opponents to tear the house down with.
Winners – London & Kendrick
King Booker (c) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Finlay vs. Batista – World Heavyweight Title – Fatal Four-Way
PK: They are NOT going to blow a title change on this crap of a match. I’m going to say that Finlay unintentionally gives Booker the win.
Winner – King Booker
Eric Szulczewski: Well, thank God they figured out that Lashley’s still a little too green to carry off a credible match, and Batista’s still getting back into it. They’re going to save Booker/Batista for Survivor Series, which is when DAVE gets the strap back. Oops, I just pointed out my winner, didn’t I? Well, isn’t it obvious? They’re not going to put it on Lashley, they’re not going to put it on Finlay (despite the fact that he deserves it for services rendered above and beyond the call of duty, and that includes longevity, training the women, and actually getting a midget over), and they’re not going to waste a title change back to DAVE on No Mercy. This one ends with Regal-ference on DAVE and Booker taking advantage, which gives us our SurSer SD main and helps ratchet the tension on the Regal/Finlay relationship, which should culminate in a match at either SurSer or Royal Rumble between them.
Winner – Booker T
Iain Burnside: Oh no, not you again. I can’t stand the pace. Once bitten, twice shy. Get me out of the race…
Winner – and still champion, KING BOOKER
CJ Ambrosia: The main changed, but the names remain the same. Now they’re all in the match together, so who takes it? As much as it would please myself and the IWC, Finlay isn’t getting the belt yet. Maybe soon, but not yet. And as good as Lashley has gotten, I still don’t think he’s ready for a run with the strap. DAVE will be getting it back at WM, I would think. so that leaves King Booker continuing his reign. And really, is that such a bad thing?
Winner – King Booker
Troy Hepple: Even after my rant on SmackDown, I think this match could be very good. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it I think that it will be very good indeed. It’s a much safer choice than two separate matches if you’re looking for quality, doesn’t change the fact that I wanted two separate albeit rather predictable matches in it’s place. Oh well, we all know that King Booker is retaining here, so let’s just enjoy the ride!
Winner – King Booker
Jeremy Lambert: So Bobby Lashley isn’t a true contender so they decided to throw in Batista and Finlay. I’m shocked it took them this long to realize that Lashley wasn’t a main event draw just yet. So lets look at everyone in this match shall we? Booker has held the belt for 3 months now which is long enough to mean something giving his career. Lashley clearly isn’t ready to hold the belt or be the main event star, hence adding two workers. Batista was red hott after the comeback but after a couple of bad matches, everyone realized just how much he benefited from HHH. And then there’s Finlay, the man who everyone ripped on for being too old at this point in his career. Yeah, well the old man is a better worker than the other 3 in this match and is probably more over than the other 3 in this match. The question becomes, is he world title material? I want to say yes but I just can’t say it with a straight face. It’s honestly a crap shoot in my mind but after heavy thought, I say that Booker retains, Batista/Finlay move into a more proper feud, and Lashley continues to get better and possibly takes the belt at Survivor Series.
Winner – King Booker
Danny Wallace: I REALLY REALLY REALLY want Finlay to walk out of this the World Champion, because he’s one of the 4/5 guys who are keeping the brand interesting, and he works his arse off when he really doesn’t have to. However, as much as I’d love for it to happen, it’s too early for a King Booker vs. Finlay feud as the disintegration of the Kingdom could continue for another few months until Survivor Series, where by then they could have gotten some good mileage (and a face turn for Finlay) out of the situation.
Winner – King Booker
Vinny Truncellito: While the four-way format is an ideal way to change the title, I can’t see what good can come from a new champ here. They had their chance with Batista, as they will many times again. Plus, if BIG DAVE is gonna’ take the gold from The King, he’ll do it in a singles match at a higher profile event. If there were ready for Lashley to take the brand on his shoulders, this wouldn’t have been changed to a four-way to begin with. Finlay’s great for the company, and as much as I like him personally, he’s not a guy Vince would think of to carry his flag. Plus, if push comes to shove, Sir William remains loyal to his king, at least for now. Therefore”¦
Winner – King Booker
Mark Neeley: Let’s face it, as much as all want Finlay to win, he is filler to even make this a fatal four way. As much as I’d like to see the King Booker experiment continue down the path, I say DAVE wins. Simple as that.
Winner – DAVE
Matthew Michaels: Ya know, I was kinda looking forward to Finlay vs. Batista… But I guess they don’t have faith in Lashley to carry the main event (probably a good decision), or they just want an excuse to get the belt back on DAVE and know that Booker and Batista just don’t click well in the ring. Were Vince’s comments on Byte This! about how much he loves Finlay a hint at things to come? Could we be seeing Finlay vs. Benoit for the World Title at Survivor Series? Stop it, Matthew, you’re getting your hopes up…
Winner – Dave Batista
Wildcard Question:
What is the total number of times during the show that the following will be mentioned: The Marine, Extreme Strip Poker and/or the APA?
PK: The Marine will be 3, Strip Poker 4, The APA 2 for a total of 9.
Eric Szulczewski: The only real appropriate place to mention Extreme Strip Poker will be during the tag title match. I’ll say twice during that, with one oblique mention by High-Quality Speaker Boy during the main about Paisley being a queen and thus above stripping on Sci-Lie. The Marine just had its premiere, but without Cena’s presence, they’re not going to mention it that much. I’ll say three times plus a video package, unless Cena shows up to interfere in the main to set up some kind of cross-brand match for SurSer. Then, all bets are off. APA mentions? I’ll go with four explicit APA references, plus one comparison of Bobby Lashley to Ron Simmons.
Iain Burnside: A tree falling in the woods makes a sound, but I don’t hear it.
CJ Ambrosia: The Marine: 12. Extreme Strip Poker: 2. APA: 3.
Troy Hepple: The Marine will be mentioned three times. The Extreme Strip Poker won’t be mentioned, but rather the RAW Family Reunion will be mentioned three times as well. And the APA will be mentioned once.
Jeremy Lambert: The Marine: Twice. Cena isn’t on the show so there’s no reason to over do the exposure, especially with three hours of Raw the next night. Strip Poker: Twice. One for Ashley, one for Kristal. APA: Didn’t they break up?
Danny Wallace: 3
Vinny Truncellito: 76 times total
Mark Neeley: Infinite.
Matthew Michaels: The Marine comes out in less than a week, and JBL’s on commentary, so… Let’s say a Marine commercial and maybe 1-2 mentions throughout the show, an APA mention during both the Hardy match and Tag Title match, and at least 5 or 6 mentions of strip poker, since that’s what’s up “next” and Vince seemed to be trying to get a message across that you promote the next event without going too far ahead (and I’m sure RAW Family Reunion will be mentioned as well, but that’s not part of this question). Final tally: 10.
