Evening ladies and gentlemen. I’m Tom Pandich. Welcome to three hours of Raw. We also have a LIVE CHAT over AIM going on right now. I’ll be pulling three hours of live coverage starting at 8:00 PM EST. Keep it here all night.
Yes… this intro sucked.
New intro, all three commentating crews are here tonight. That doesn’t matter though. THE CHAMP IS HERE! Time for a recap of last week’s Steel Cage win by John Cena. Cena salutes the actual marines. He says that it’s the season premier of Raw. There’s a bit of a boos, but it’s mostly “Yay Raw”. That’s all John Cena has got. He tells the crowd to take it easy and jets. Almost. He’s got a message for Edge, and that’s that the Champ is still here.
King Booker interrupts and comes down. He retained last night at No Mercy. He corrects the peasant that is John Cena. A champ is here, but now “the” champ is here. It’s King Book-ahhhh. He retained against three strong warriors. Last time he was on Raw, he defeated John Cena and made him kick the royal feet.
Cena puts on a rather great British accent and makes Booker sound like a fool. This apparently isn’t a renaissance fair. Instead it’s the snake pit. They want to get it on, but here comes Big Show. He’s got a white guy who talks like he’s black. Cena says “watcha talking about Willis”. Big Show says then there’s a black guy who talks like he’s Prince Charles. The Big Show says he’s the greatest giant in the history of the WWE. John Cena says he better step back as there’s a bigger name out there “Andre comma the”.
Anywho, they get into listing off movies they were in. The Big Show says he was in The Waterboy. King Bookah says he was in the greatest film ever, Ready to Rumble. Cena and Big Show laugh it off. Anywho, John knows we’re not here to talk about movies. He decks Show and chaos ensues. Big Show eventually dumps Booker and Cena as 1000 refs run down to the ring.
Show’s card is run down and we’ve got a big one. In the back, the various managers are arguing.
Paul E is talking about how the Big Show beat everyone. Anywho, a ton of matches are made. John Cena vs the Undertaker, King Booker vs Rob Van Damn, and Jeff Hardy vs the Big Show. Now though , it’s Umaga/Kane.
Umaga vs Kane: Loser Leaves Raw
Armando has a huge cigar. The monsters slug each other with Kane getting the advantage. Umaga runs him over with a clothesline. Back and forth action. Kane tosses Umaga up unto the top of the ring post. Ouch. Kane goes up top. Umaga tosses him to the outside. Commercial.
We’re back and Umaga is dropping Kane. Kane catches Umaga in a chokeslam who counters with a belly to belly. Sit up and they exchange more blows. Kane gets dropped. Umaga splashes Kane off the top rope. Armando has a mini cigar. The crowd is going apeshit. Kane blocks the Samoan spike. Kane hits the clothesline off the top. Kane goes for Armando and catches Umaga with a big boot. Armando hits Kane with the big cigar. Super Samoan Spike and that’s it.
Kane walks off, and there is much sadness.
We’re back. Steve Spurrier is at Raw. The Highlanders say they were honored to be a part of the same show as Kane. Kane beats the hell out of them as he heads out the back.
DX has formal apologizes to the rest of Raw for taking over. Shawn apologizes first to the tag division for decimating them. What tag division though? Shawn then apologizes to the Spirit Squad for making them dress up like girls. Of course that gets tossed out since they’re already faeries. They go through everything they did last week tossing it all out since well, we know DX has nothing to apologize for. Shawn and Triple H freak out realizing they’re on live TV and then shill merchandise. Fantastic.
What does the Pulse Wrestling live chat think of DX?
-Tone E Atlas: much to my own chagrin… i kinda like this new mick foleyish DX… hunter and shawn being immature dicks didn’t work… but hunter and shawn being smarky dicks makes me laugh…
WWE Slam of the Week: Jeff Hardy wins the IC title.
Jeff Hardy vs Big Show: ECW tastes like color?
-Ellmo516: Jeff looks slimmer than he did his debut night.
That he does. Jeff kicks. Jeff gets squished. The Big Show steps on Jeffykins who has had his shirt ripped open. Show tries to squish Hardy. He misses, but Hardy gets dumped shortly after. Out of no where, Hardy hits a huge Whispers in the Wind followed by a Swanton bomb for two.
Show has had enough. Big Sleep followed by the Showstopper. Jeff is squished.
Winner: The Big Show
Nitro runs in for the post match beat down, but Big Show utterly destroys him. Nitro gets hurled like a sack of potatoes.
Later tonight: RVD vs King Booker and John Cena vs the Undertaker. First though, Cade and Murdock take on DX in a street fight.
D-Generation X vs Cade and Murdock: South Carolina Street Fight
Like a normal Street Fight, only with less paved roads. DX does their lovely introduction. Triple H says he did a lot of fake apologizing tonight, but he really did Vince wrong.
-Ellmo516: my head is the size of HHH’s bicep
Anywho, they got Vince, Cocky the mascot of the Gamecocks. Insert your cock”¦ jokes here. The cock was in and out, in and out, etc, etc, etc. Vince would have kissed that cock right on his big fat red head. Vince wouldn’t have hesitated to beat that cock like it owed him money. Let’s get ready to suckkkkkkkkkk it. Two words for you. Wheee.
Finally Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch come down. It’s a brawl! Lance Cade gets blasted over the top and it’s down just to Trevor and DX in the ring. Shawn wants to drop the big elbow, but he gets pushed off the top by Lance Cade. Trips goes after him only to leave Shawn alone. Matt brings up a great point in the chat.
-Matthew Michaels: Wow. When was the last time FOUR MEN in JEANS wrestled?
Shawn gets blasted with boots and belts before Triple H makes the save. Triple H blasts Lance Cade with a chair. Trevor Murdock gets backdropped to the floor? Table comes out and Shawn hits the huge elbow off the top rope through the table to the floor. Shawn pops up and is pumped. Time for the match to be over. Shawn tunes up the band in his cowboy boots. (Super)kick, wham, wham, pedigree. That’s all she wrote.
Winner: Triple H and Shawn Michaels, D-Generation X
In the back, Edge is with Lita and they looked pissed. Edge says he’s bringing back “The Cutting Edge” tonight to answer questions to Todd Pentingale 2.0.
Here comes Shelton. He’s pissed he isn’t on the crowd. He wants some competition. Here comes the match of the night folks.
Shelton Benjamin vs Chris Benoit: HUZZAH
Benoit beats the hell out of Shelton. Explosive suplexes. Shelton takes over though blocking the second. Benoit doesn’t take long to get things going. He hits the “three amigos” (good call JR) followed by a missed headbutt. Shelton hits a stinger splash in the corner. He looks for the exploder, but gets it reversed into the crossface. Taps out.
Winner: Chris Benoit
In the back, the three GMs pull Super Crazy to find out what the best show is. Super Crazy says that all three shows are great. Teddy Long had no clue Super Crazy spoke English. Cute segment.
William Regal, Chavo Guerrero, and Finlay vs Rey Mysterio, Bobby Lashley, and Batista: Make all the penis jokes you want
Regal has so many funny things that always happen to him. Chavo and Rey start things out. Mysterio dumps everyone and hits a hurricanerana on both Regal and Finlay. Rey misses the double 619. He tries for a baseball slide, but Finlay pulls up the apron and catches him. Everyone proceeds to beat the hell out of Rey until the faces make the save. The damage is done though.
The Little Bastard pulled Rey under the ring. Finlay kicked him. It was hilarious. Anywho, the bad guys isolate Rey Rey. Rey makes the tag but the ref doesn’t see it. Mysterio plants Chavo with his flippy shit to bulldog. Tag to Batista and he breaks everyone. Jackhammer to Chavo gets two. Double spear sends Finlay and Regal out. Hurricanerana off the top puts Chavo into the 619 position. 619 into a spinebuster by Dave. Frog splash by Rey finishes it.
Winner: The Good Guys
RVD vs King Booker is still on tap. Then it’s John Cena vs the Undertaker.
Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young are 83 years young. John Cena is a marine. Booker T is a king. Melina comes down to the ring and is going to be competing in a match next.
Torrie Wilson vs the Shrew: Lumberjill Match
Shrew wins with roll up.
King Booker vs Rob Van Dam
RVD takes over. Booker T takes over. Pretty paint by numbers match up. The match ends when Sharmell knocks RVD off of the top rope and he hits the scissor kick. Blah match.
Winner: King Booker
Cryme Tyme comes to Raw next week!
Mitch is going to beat Ric Flair tonight.
In the back, it’s the GMs. Look who it is, it’s VINCE! He looks all healed up. Vince makes Cyber Sunday a match to determine the “Champion of Champions”.
More Marine stuff. It’s the premier!
The Spirit Squad is in the ring right now.
Mitch vs Ric Flair
Who does Ric have? Why he’s got RODDY PIPER! Is that it? No sir. It’s MONEY FUCKING INC! Anyone else? Well”¦. ARN DOUBLE FUCKING ANDERSON!!!!
Awesome. The legends back up the Spirit Squad. Mitch thumbs Ric to the eye. That doesn’t happen for long. Ric takes over. He hits the chop block. Figure Four~! That’s all she wrote.
Winner: Ric Flair
Best moment all night. Flair struts and Roddy dances with Ric. Arn looks so happy.
I take it back. Best moment all year. The Pulse Wrestling chat is buzzing about it too. Anywho, here comes Edge. His guest is Randy. Edge says Randy’s done nothing. Edge has two seconds to come up with a point. Edge shows the beat down Randy took after winning the belt two years ago. Edge/Randy vs DX. That should be an interesting feud. The entire Pulse Wrestling chat approves of this move as the right way to take all four men’s careers.
Edge offers and the crowd wants Randy to RKO Edge. Randy and Edge form an unholy alliance!?! Undertaker/John Cena is next.
John Cena vs the Undertaker: Immovable Workrate vs 5 Moves
Undertaker kicks. Cena punches. Undertaker drops Cena with a boot. TWO! Cena superplexes Undertaker off the top. Wacky match. Cena hits a shoulderblock. Cena tries a five knuckle shuffle but gets a hand on his throat. Cena fights off the chokeslam. They trade near finishers. Cena gets almost tombstoned. Undertaker almost gets FUed. Undertaker finally almost ends it with a chokeslam, but Big Show and Booker T take the Undertaker out.
Mr. Kennedy attacks the Undertaker who belts him dead. Big Show hits Booker T from behind. Anywho, Cena wins getting Big Show to tap to the STFU and he FUed King Booker. Raw = #1 brand still apparently. That’s all guys and gals. Night, night.