Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 10.10.06

In Memoriam: Ray Noorda. Without him, you’d most likely be getting this column off of a BBS.

In Memoriam II: Anna Politkovskaya, who showed the world how dangerous the truth is to some people.

Just some quick stuff, since there’s six hours of wrestling and an Impact Somewhat Spoiled to handle…

I don’t care about the Google purchase of YouTube. Why? I never go to YouTube anyway. There’s nothing there I’m interested in, even the stuff that the other guys embed in their articles. Since it doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t matter. At least I’m honest about it when I tell you something like that, unlike other people who are too polite to display their egotism.

So, am I believing in the Beloved yet? Are the comparisons to 1985 starting yet? No, I won’t do a comparison until they go 15-1 with the only loss being in a road game to a team from the AFC East Coast Bias. Since Miami is coming to Chicago this season, it can’t be them (besides, they reek). I’m looking for the loss to happen on November 26th against the Bahstun Faggots, which provides a nice bit of symmetry. There’s no loss on the schedule before then (and that includes the two Noo Yawk Faggot teams). So, if that happens (and if they get around the Faggots, 16-0 is possible), then I’ll start doing the comparisons. Until then, I’ll sit back and watch.

Better knock this stuff off and get on to the meat…

THE PIMP SECTION

Daniels does not realize that there is only one manager in baseball. His name is Ozzie Guillen. Hopefully he now understands this.

Vin-Man goes all yo-yo over Smackdown. It really isn’t as bad as he thinks. You can go post-ironic when talking about Jimmy Yang and make it acceptable, for instance.

Ditch has expanded his puro coverage by attempting to book NJ’s title scene. Stronger men than him have landed up in the booby hatch attempting to do that, so this should be fun to watch.

Bambi‘s upset because she couldn’t mark out enough.

Wallace liked No Mercy a lot more than I did.

Hatton and his retard buddies get to hang around each other for three straight hours, and yet no one attempted to kill anyone else. Shame, really.

Geraghty kicks off our special commemoration of Bound For Glory, for which I’m doing nothing special in particular other than the Impact Short Form. As long as Jarrett holds the strap, it’s more than they deserve, really.

Sutton gives the word just what it demanded: the ten billionth overview of Aliens.

Stevens is back from exile, and goes straight for 52‘s jugular.

Morrison, meanwhile, has always been here.

I See Black People.

MacKay is our new Galactica guy. We go through Galactica guys faster than shit through a goose. And, just to be fair, are we going to be doing Doctor Who or am I going to have to end up doing it?

What is this “hockey” thing that Bisman obliquely mentions? We cover it in Tailgate Crashers on a regular basis, so it must be something.

THE QUALITY OF NO MERCY IS STRAINED

How many years have I been doing this, and I’ve never used that one for an intro to this PPV? I must get off my feed during October for some reason.

No, honestly, I didn’t start watching this until Monday night. Well, I did have two hours of Galactica season-premiere-y yumminess to get through, plus Robot Chicken, Venture Brothers, porn, etc. No Mercy somehow ended up low on my priority list. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be because the card is total crap? Okay, I’m not talking about one certain match, but, hell, that wasn’t on the announced card, was it? Obviously, I’ll watch the show for that match (and for the purposes of doing this column).

Oh, no way to sugar-coat it. Might as well just get right into it…

And they start off with the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies. Yeah, that’s the way to get me into this PPV. Oh, this is pathetic. Get the screen cap, fast-forward, find something interesting. Can’t say anything more than that.

Mattsy-poo still hasn’t got the concept of a “reach-around”

And the assault on the male audience’s heterosexuality (those members that are heterosexual, anyway) continued with the tag title match, the closest combination the WWE can come to twink porn. And, yes, it was a complete spot-fest. The match had very little flow to it, with loads of stop-start action. And KC James doing the Fargo Strut…no, the only people who are allowed to do that are Flair and Jarrett, because they’ve earned the privilege. Wrong team went over to boot. I found nothing inspirational or desirable in this match, other than Michelle McCool, of course. Next.

One of the discarded concepts for V For Vendetta

Pretty ironic considering what came later

Well, if Hepple hasn’t turned straight by now, this should do the trick

So, Marty Garner was Porter’s mystery opponent. Well, thank God it wasn’t Tatanka, because the majority of the people in the Round Table who picked Chavis as Porter’s opponent would have been insufferable if that had happened, and we can’t have those guys being more insufferable than they already are. However, if it had been Jimmy Yang, you know how insufferable I would have been (dick-swinging would definitely have been in the cards). As for Porter himself, no, not impressed. Do something actually noticeable, then come back to me, okay?

No, High-Quality Speaker Boy, not even old-school Galactica was this tacky. Buck Rogers, on the other hand…

And so we come to the “controversial” moment of the night. Obviously, this would be a place for a screen cap, but considering the furor that this has caused, I’ve decided to refrain from doing so in order to stop Wids and Fingers from freaking out. Yes, for a fraction of a second, Little Regal made an appearance, followed by about ten seconds of Regal’s bare ass. So what? Why does anyone have a problem with that? In fact, the people at the arena didn’t. KC Evers (no relation) verifies this:

I was at WWE No Mercy last night in Raleigh. S’far as the Regal frontal nudity incident, it appeared no one in the arena really cared. In fact, most of us (myself included) were too busy either taking a piss or getting nachos.

It absolutely mystifies me why Americans are so prudish about naked flesh these days. We all heard the story about the teacher in Texas supposedly getting fired because she took her fifth graders to an art museum that, cough, gasp, had a couple of nudes on display, and a parent bitched about it. This situation’s been decaying over time. When I was in high school, after gym class, we were required to shower, and do so in the buff. We were totally comfortable being naked in the locker room. Of course, that was during the Carter Administration. Nowadays, from what I’ve heard, boys don’t even bother showering after gym, or if they do, they wear bathing suits. Apparently being naked around other guys who are also naked is TEH GHEY or people are afraid they’re going to be molested or someone’s going to make fun of Little Johnny’s Little Johnny and his parents are going to sue the school board because their hothouse flower is mentally scarred for life. I have no problem with nudity. In Germany, I went to mixed-gender saunas and had no problem being in my birthday suit in front of women. The only thing I was uncomfortable about wasn’t the fact that I was naked, but the fact that I was circumcised in a country that doesn’t do the knife thing at birth. Yes, there was something aesthetically displeasing about seeing old women’s saggy tits, but there was certainly no shame. Or prurience, for that matter.

Here’s a hint: every human male has a penis. They differ in size, coloration, etc., but it’s a factory-installed common part. Exposing it does not mean anything inherently sexual. It is, after all, an organ of the eliminatory system in addition to being one of the reproductive system. Seeing one does not necessarily incite lust either. It’s a piece of flesh, nothing more.

If you think that Regal’s slip of the towel (or Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction) was the worst, most sinful thing that someone could possibly do on this Earth, I refer you to a man that I’ve cited many times before in this column, a gentleman named Lenny Bruce. He stated that God made the human body, and if there is a problem in seeing it naked, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Let’s move on…

The UT/FudgePacker match took approximately forever. This match should have been less than five minutes. It should have featured UT no-selling everything like only he can do, pummeling FudgePacker every two seconds until his brain turned into a fine gel and began leaking out of his ears and nose. Then UT should have pulled off each of FudgePacker’s limbs, one by one, and beat him further into nonexistence with the bloody stumps. Then I wanted a black hole to open up in the middle of the ring, and what was left of FudgePacker at that point would be sucked beyond the event horizon. I didn’t get that, so I’m quite upset. I mean, I was willing to compromise on the black hole thing and all that. I don’t think I was being unreasonable. Well, if you won’t compromise, I won’t either. Either I get my way or I start shooting.

Please, fold, spindle, and mutilate at your leisure, Mistah Calloway

Rey-Rey/Chavito was adequate for what it was, namely a bit of mayhem to break up the boredom. The problem with this match, of course, was that it was in the service of that abominable angle. However, that’s pretty much the main criticism that can be thrown at it, other than the fact that, yet again, the wrong person went over, for all the main reasons (Rey-Rey could have done an injury job to go out for knee surgery; if the feud was going to go on, Chavito could have won in order to up the ante at either Cyber Sunday or Survivor Series; etc.). A good match, badly booked. Sounds like typical WWE to me.

It’s the same old head scissors, but, hey, this time it’s on the entrance ramp!

Okay, after the mess this PPV made of itself, Regal versus anyone would be a nice treat. However, to get a Regal/Benoit match was not only unexpected, it was an unexpected delight. Very logical selection as well, having Benoit’s first match back against the person on the SD roster that he’s most comfortable with in the ring and who knows him inside and out. A farting contest between them starts at three snowflakes and moves up from there; the wrestling’s gravy. And thanks to Regal’s new visibility, this has gone from Epilepsy fodder to an instant upper-mid-card match, fitting given the “classic” status that has now attached itself to their match at Pillman 2000 (a status that, as an attendee at that match, I was happy to help give it). Is it too much to ask for there to be a repeat at Wrestlemania, and that it be for the title? Well, probably, because DAVE must be served, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Surprise!

If you haven’t engaged in intense physical activity for a while, a good stretch is necessary

Regal and Finlay attempt to answer one of the great existential questions of our time: can paper beat half scissors?

If you ever needed a definition of the term “lese majeste”, this is it

The Fatal Four-Way was adequate, if formulaic. But it just didn’t have anything to keep my attention. In fact, I ended up doing the Pimp Section while watching this one. The winner was no mystery to anyone, really. It was just a matter of how they got there, and the trip wasn’t that entertaining. No, it wasn’t I-80 Through Iowa At Night Boring, but it still didn’t have a great hook. It was too portentious a match to put on a throwaway PPV. On a larger stage, there might have been some doubt as to the eventual winner, but not on No Mercy. Well, at least we’ll get to see the dissolution of the King’s Court and the subsequent great matches that will come out of it. Just do it in a crazy way so that we can have a main event tag of Booker and Finlay versus Regal and Benoit.

Who says Lashley can’t carry anybody?

All in all, “waste of time” described it well. The pleasant surprise of Benoit/Regal didn’t make up for the soul-numbing experience of the rest of the card. Very strange, considering what a creative roll Smackdown’s been on lately. They could have come up with something better than this. Maybe with Michael Hayes heading the writing team, they might in the future. Better luck next time.

IMPACT SOMEWHAT SPOILED

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: why in the name of God’s green earth are we printing shit from Alan Wojcik? Only ‘tards and Vinny use wrestlers’ nicknames, and Vinny has special dispensation from me to do so. In the meantime, Woj-suck keeps sending shit to Fingers and we keep putting it up, since we don’t want to have to steal the spoilers from 1bullshit Junior’s TNA remora Trionfo and have to credit him. We’re better off doing the latter. Barely, but we’re still better off. This guy’s a f*cking blight on this site. And we have to pimp his website in the process. Jesus, what’s wrong with us?

Okay, this week, Joe cuts a promo. This won’t come as a surprise to anyone familiar with his work in ROH, but it would to the TNA crowd. Supposed to be very effective too. You go, Joe.

An eight-man X Division match that had the potential to be great will be ruined by a Kevin Nash appearance, kicking off a new/revised angle that will again embroil Nash with the X Division. It is a worse crime to destroy an entire federation or to destroy the heart and soul of one? Nash has now done both.

Looks like the Diamonds in the Rough will be breaking up, and Killings and Skipper might be hooking up. Please, dear God, let this move not be inspired by Cryme Tyme. The sad part is that they’d be great teaming up together. I just don’t want it to be for cynical reasons.

Your unofficial advisor for the Monster’s Ball match at Bound For Glory will be Jake Roberts. Well, at least he and Raven can pass the twenty-four hours in the darkness by comparing drug experiences.

If TNA doesn’t want to be considered WCW Mark Two, then why does Norman Smiley behave the way he does on next week’s Impact?

Gail Kim will be taking some nice bumps in the eight-man that ends next week’s Impact. That’ll be worth watching.

But, of course, everyone’s going to tune in to see Angle. What is he going to do? Nothing much, but what he does will involve Joe, so keep your drool cups handy.

On to other stuff…

WHY I HATE SO-CALLED “WRESTLING JOURNALISTS”

So I’m scanning 1bullshit Junior today for column fodder, and what do I see? An article by Milord headlined “Spoiler About Kane’s Future”. Thinking that this might contain actual news, I clicked, and here’s what I got, verbatim:

After losing last night’s match to Umaga, which forced him to leave Raw, Kane is scheduled to be joining the Smackdown brand.

This is a spoiler? Didn’t every wrestling fan assume as soon as the Loser Leaves Raw match was made last week that Kane would lose to Jamalga, go to Smackdown, and have one last feud with UT before he retires? No, going to ECW would have been worthy of the tag “spoiler”. Going to TNA would definitely have been a spoiler. Saying that Kane signed a contract with ROH and will be wrestling Danielson for the Pure Wrestling title would have not only been a spoiler, but would have made the audience wonder what kind of drugs Scherer was on. But this? This is the biggest piece of non-news that’s come out in the last few months.

Totally depreciating the value of the word “spoiler” is yet another charge against journalism that can be laid on the doorstep of the imbeciles at 1bullshit Junior. As if they hadn’t built up enough to get themselves put up against the wall already. Dear God.

And God help me as I delve into three hours of Raw…

THE SHORT FORM FOR A LONG SHOW

Match Results:

Jamalga over Kane, Loser Leaves Raw Match (Pinfall, Samoan Spike): See the section above for my feelings on this. Great crowd heat, though. Very surprising for this match, actually.

I’m surprised the ringpost no-sold

The Big Show over Jeffykins, Fingers Is Already Going Nuts Updating The Transaction Roster Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Showstopper leg drop): Right person went over, virtually a squash…hey, it sometimes doesn’t take much to please me, you know.

Jeffykins tries to impress TBS with his Klingon Death Howl, but it doesn’t work

Trip ‘n Shawn over GarriLance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Street Fight (Pinfall, Trip pins Cade, Pedigree): You kinda knew what would happen, of course. But was slightly unexpected was the fact that the two gentlemen with large egos made their competitors look good, even while squashing them. Maturity, age, and a sense of self-satisfaction have allowed them to mellow enough to allow this. The result was a pretty nice match in the vein of TNA’s Grievous Bodily Harm Division, something Michaels and Trip don’t have to do at this stage of their careers, but were willing to do anyway. So, thank you, gentlemen, for allowing this to happen.

People complain about Regal’s cock, but not about a shirtless Trevor Murdoch?

Our Lord and Savior over Shelton Benjamin (Submission, crossface): No, Ross, the Three Amigos are triple vertical suplexes. What Benoit was doing was HIS signature move, the Triple Germans. I know it’s been a long time, but there’s no excuse. And trying to follow that gaffe up with your “this is a radical experience” comment…you’re just pathetic. You need to be taken out behind the barn, shot, and put out of your misery. Of course, I’ve been saying that for years now, and it hasn’t happened yet. Damn, guess I have to live with it. And shame on you, High-Quality Speaker Boy, for not calling him out on that mistake. Friend of Eddy’s, my ass.

Who cares if it connected or not? It was great to see him be able to do it again.

DAVE, Rey-Rey, and Bobby Lashley over Sir Regal, Sir Finlay, and Senor Chavito (Pinfall, Rey-Rey pins Chavito, frog splash): No, regrettably, it’s not Friday night, and I still have four nights of work remaining this week. Damn. Nice little clusterf*ck with no real ramifications, other than Chavito being Rey-Rey’s bitch for a second night in a row. So what else is new?

Vince knew that the interbrand warfare was out of control when Smackdown’s upper-mid-card started beating the Raw ring apron for no reason

Melina Perez over The Ten-Buck Tramp, First-Round Women’s Title Tournament Match (Pinfall, rollup): Tits. Lots of tits. Tits everywhere. Trinity’s tits covered by police warning tape, which I’m sure is against some statute. And somewhere in the midst of all these tits, something resembling a wrestling match. Who cares about it, really?

If this was an attempt to recover the male heterosexuality that was lost Sunday night, it’s too late

Booker T over Rob Van Dam, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, scissors kick): Well, we’ve seen this match too many times to comment on it. So let’s focus on the commentary. Slick Rick made a nice little comment about it:

I enjoyed the riff between the ECW and Smackdown announcers during the Booker T/RVD match. Normally that would annoy me, talking over the match that much, but the whole “hey, JBL, how about you put these guys over rather than put yourself over” thing was just too much of a nod to the smarks for it not to be an intentional lark. The match didn’t mean anything anyhow, and the entertainment value was high.

Yeah, it was. It was definitely two cats in a sack time. I rarely regret sins of omission, but I have one that links into this. Here in Wrestling, we were trying to come up with a staff feature for the V3 launch. It was going to be a “Wrestlemania preview” type of thing, where we all were going to try to predict what we’d see at Wrestlemania and what we wanted to see. Unfortunately, the combination of confusion regarding format, everyone being crunched for time, and, let’s face it, the impossibility of doing a WM prediction column in September killed it. Well, one of my “what I want to see” entries was a Color Commentator Chaos Match: Lawler versus Tazz versus High-Quality Speaker Boy, Falls Count Anywhere. The commentary here would have been a perfect start to something like that. Instead of waiting until WM, though, how about doing something like it at Cyber Sunday, only make it a tag match, Styles/Tazz versus Cole/High-Quality Speaker Boy? I just can’t figure out on what the fans would “vote” on regarding it. The only stips I could imagine that would work would be “winners get to broadcast on the loser’s show for a week” and “losers have to wear dresses on winner’s show”. If it’s the latter, then the only possible good booking would be for ECW to win that match to get back at High-Quality Speaker Boy’s comments about Vito. Ah, just abort this idea, I guess.

Can you feel the love tonight?

Ric Flair over Nick Mitchell, This Is Flair Country Match (Submission, Figure-Four): I can’t believe that no one else has said it until now, so let me have the honors. It’s three simple words: Survivor Series Match. Okay, so maybe Arn can’t go. No problem; we all know how precarious his health is, and we don’t want him to jeopardize it in the ring. And Piper…well, who the hell knows if he’d show up or not? So who’d be adequate substitutes? Is Tully doing anything? Yes, I know, he’s been reluctant to get into bed with Vince, but a couple of words in the ear from fellow born-agains Michaels and DiBiase should solve that. If not Tully, then I’m sure Terry Funk would be game. If Funk’s otherwise occupied, there are two other people who come to mind. As with Arn, Steamer’s health is a question mark, although he keeps saying he’s fit enough to do one more match. This would be a perfect circumstance for him. Pretty safe environment, low level of activity, low risk, and the chance to work with Flair one more time (albeit not against him, which would be his preference, no doubt). And the other name? How does FatDust sound to you? I can already hear the sounds of old-school NWA fans’ heads popping off at the thought of Dusty and Flair on the same team. That alone makes it appeal to me. They HAVE to do it. Flair can’t get the kids over by himself. He needs a little help here. So give him it.

All they need is for Crockett to stiff them on their paychecks, and it’d be just like twenty years ago

This is not the group of old men you want coming after you

There’s nothing like a Flair figure-four in the Carolinas

Oh, come on, you wouldn’t mind these guys as a team in a Survivor Series Match and you know it

The Undertaker over John Cena, Non-Title Match (DQ, Booker and Big Show-ference): Still no bloodshed, dismembered limbs, or other things that I expect from UT and desire being performed upon his victim. Bleh. Make me happy for a change, will you?

Kill. Kill. Kill.

Angle Developments:

Sonic Reducer: The new Papa Roach theme sucks. Just more indistinguishable noise from an indistinguishable band. Back in my day, the noise was not only unique, it was terrific. Give me a little Black Flag or Sonic Youth, and I’ll be happy. In the meantime, the only band from the 2000s that I can listen to for more than half a song is Franz Ferdinand. And, of course, the Favorites. What a drag it is getting old.

“We three champs of idiots are…”

It’s just not the same as Heyman, Bisch, and Vince

Just When You Think You’re Free Of Him…: I don’t think I’ve remarked any about how the revival of DX has brought Trip back to life. He may enjoy playing a heel the most, but he’s the best as a smarmy face, and this venture to the past has proven it. Ever since DX ended the first time, Trip hasn’t been able to ad lib his way out of a paper bag. If he didn’t have stuff scripted for him, he was lost. I don’t know if he’s picking something up osmotically from Michaels, one of the best ad libbers in the history of wrestling, or what, but he’s regained that skill. The Trip of a couple years ago wouldn’t have been mentally quick enough to think of “You’re getting confused. I’m the Game, that’s the cock.” So welcome back to Ad-Lib Paul. We missed you.

The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self has a comment to make in regard to this promo:

Someone should send a tape of that DX promo to whichever old WCW “creative” member came up with Hugh G. Rection with a note that says, “Now THIS is how you make a cock joke.”

Was that during Russo’s time? It’s definitely his MO. Maybe it was during Sully’s last time holding the book. I kinda get confused about exactly who was booking at what point during that last year and a half of WCW. Everything after the Summer of Suck is a total blur. But you’ve got to admit something, the members of the Misfits have done really well for themselves. DeMott’s got a cushy gig in Deep South. Chavito’s in a high-visibility program on Smackdown. And we all know what G. I. Bro is doing right now. Okay, so Van Hammer and Major Gunns are MIA, but losses were expected. Losing Major Gunns, though…yes, that’s a tragedy.

Where will you be when your diarrhea…look, I haven’t used that one in a while, okay?

Now Heyman, Coachman, and Long know what I go through every f*cking night

Everyone’s happy they didn’t “pull a Regal”

Oh, Edge, how could you stoop this low?

I’ve got to close this off and get some sleep. I have a couple of busy days on Wednesday and Thursday, so I’ll try to pack the ECW Short Form in during my copious free time. Enjoy yourselves.

Tags: , , , ,