Inside Pulse Live Raw Coverage 16/10/06
Hi there folks. Tommy P has knocked sick tonight, so I’m your Raw guy.
Hoo-rah!
Here we go. Your hosts are the King and JR. Lillian Garcia starts to announce a match, but DX interrupt. But SHOCK HORROR it’s not DX, it’s Edge & Orton. And it’s a pretty damn awesome parody. Edge is HHH, and Orton is HBK. Edge has a plastic nose on, and it’s HUGE.
Edge does the old “Are you reaaaaady” routine, but then starts into a promo about what it takes to get the crowd to cheer, then they don’t want to be part of this crap. Orton has the stick now, and starts bashing DX and the crowd in general and they are apparently going to kill the legend of DX.
They have two words for them. “You Suck!”. DX’s music hit, and here come the real DX at the top of the ramp. They look amused, and start walking down to the ring. We’ve got all four guys in the ring, as HHH and HBK each grab a mic. HHH puts them over, then asks the crowd if they think Orton and Edge are jokes. Crowd obviously responds.
DX put over the live sex show Edge did, flash a picture of Edge during it, and mock the size of his willy. YES I JUST TYPED WILLY.
HHH says that Randy Orton is the most downloaded WWE superstar… among the Gay Community. At least so he’s been told. Then they flash some pictures of Orton in the shower with a towel covering his bits… and HBK’s PlayGirl photo accidentally gets shown.
Orton get’s pissed, and wants HHH tonight. So HHH makes a gay joke. Edge says they want to beat their ass. HHH comes back with another gay joke. Orton challenges HHH to a fight, man to man, tonight on RAW. HHH accepts, being the fun loving guy he is. DX then clear the ring of Orton and Edge, as their music hits.
JR and King run down the card of Cyber Sunday, and plug Vince McMahon’s huge announcement on Raw tonight.
We’re back, ad my fingers are all greasy from my Pizza. Somebody called Aaron Carter is shown in the crowd. Possibly from the “Gay Community” HHH mentioned earlier. Who knows. Anyhoo, here come the Spirit Squad.
The Spirit Squad vs. Cryme Tyme (Non-Title Match)
“YO YO YO YO…” here come Cryme Tyme. JTG (?) and Johnny lock up, then break and exchange drop kicks. Armbar and a tag to Shad, who does something I didn’t see because I was typing this. Nice double-team arm breaker move on Johnny, tag to Mikey and he takes control. Headlock, then a couple of hard shots to JTG, then goes for a cover. Tag to Johnny, and double suplex to JTG, Johnny goes for the cover and only gets a two. For shame. Headlock by Johnny (who, by the way, is awesome), then another tag to Mikey, another double —team that’s reversed and Shad is tagged in and cleans house with clotheslines a plenty. One-man flapjack on Mikey, a kick to the face and a near fall, before Johnny breaks it up.
Nicky tries to interfere, but JTG pushes him out of the ring. Double team by Cryme Tyme on Mikey and they get the win!
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Back from commercial, and during the break Kenny shoved Mikey and a couple of the other Squadders, before walking off in a huff.
Nitro and Melina are backstage being interviewed by The Todd, talking about an A-List celebrity coming on Raw later on. They don’t say who though. Please… tell me baby one more time. Ahh… I wondered when we’d get to this. A trailer for The Marine. Joy.
Coach is backstage with King BOOKAH! and Sharmell, telling them to relax and enjoy themselves. Booker begins to say thank you, but Cryme Tyme interrupt the Quizzine and King BOOOOKAAAAH. From what I can tell, they said they liked them. Cryme Tyme apparently lifted King Bookers wallet. Ha ha.. hilarious.
Speaking of hilarious, here comes Jeff Hardy walking backstage. We’ve got his match up next!
We’re back from the break, and we see Chris Masters in the ring. Super Crazy’s music hits as he walks down to the ring, much to my dismay. I miss the lawnmowers. Shelton Benjamin comes out now, followed by Jeff Hardy. I’m sure I heard some booo’s just then.
Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy vs. Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Championship
The bell rings, and we’re underway. Masters goes for Hardy, Shelton starts attacking Super Crazy. Kick to the face by Hardy on Masters, then a clothesline to follow up, knocking him on his ass. Masters turns things around, and has Jeffery in a front face lock, does a suplex, then goes for a cover. Only a 2 count. I’m bored of Hardy vs. Masters, so let’s see what Crazy and Shelton are doing. Nothing much it seems. Oooo… Super Crazy just countered a Hardy move, throwing him to the outside. Awesome Triple person move from the turnbuckle. Masters power bombed Shelton whilst he was super-plexing Super Crazy. Ad-break.
We’re back, again, from another ad-break, as Hardy seems to be in control of both Masters and Shelton. Super Crazy is nowhere to be found. Boooo. Masters suplex’s Hardy, as Shelton goes for a near fall for a 2 count. Hardy drop-kicks Shelton to the outside, as Chris Masters throw’s Hardy to the corner. Hardy goes for a twist of fate, but Masters spins him around and pushes Hardy into a nasty sounding kick from Shelton.
Hardy dumped to the outside, as Super Crazy makes his return. Masters has Crazy in the Masterlock, but from the outside Shelton jumps on the top rope and gets a blockbuster neck breaker on Chris Masters.
Hardy’s back in now and it’s all gone wild. Some things happen, Shelton and Super Crazy get thrown to the outside. Hardy floors Masters’ with a twist of fate, then hits the Swanton Bomb for the win to retain the IC title.
Winner: Jeff Hardy
We cut to the back, and we see King Booker talking to the Police about the theft of his wallet. Big Show comes into the scene, and they trade words about the Cyber Sunday Main Event. The Coach comes in, and introduces Mr. McMahon. McMahon asks where Cena is, and Coachman doesn’t know where he is. McMahon tells Coachman to go find Cena, and off he
toddles. We go to another sodding commercial break.
We’re back once again, as we see Melina and Johnny Nitro come out and make their way to the ring. Nitro has the mic, which can’t be good. They have a very special guest tonight. He’s an A-Lister… an actor… a rapper.. and a very close personal friend of Melina and Nitro. It’s… Kevin Federline. K-Fed to his friends. T’old K-Fed says it’s real good to be here, then says it’s NOT good to be here and to start treating himself, Nitro and Melina with respect. The same people who are booing are the same people who are buying magazines with his face in it every week, apparently. Melina has the stick now, and asks K-Fed to debut a new song off his album. Crowd aren’t too pleased. K-Fed plugs his album release date. Nitro says that they should leave, but before they take another step, Cena’s music hits and out he comes.
Cena’s on the mic now, and teases a rap from his wicked self. Unfortunately, he doesn’t just tease one, and starts to spit out some rhymes, which involve the words “Seaman”, “Paris Hilton” and “Britney Spears”. Oh the hilarity. Nitro attacks Cena to defend K-Feds honour, but gets knocked down and thrown out of the ring.
Big Show’s music hits, and he starts to wander down to the ring. King Bookers music hits now, as he and his Queen make their way down. Now Vince’s music hits, and out he comes, doing the old “What the f*ck do I have in my shoe?” swagger that only he can pull off.
Vince has a mic, and says that having all three World Champs in the ring at the same time is something special, and plugs the Cyber Sunday Main Event. Not only will pride be at stake, but one of them will be defending their Championship that night, and that choice is up to the fans. Log onto WWE.com to vote. Let’s see if it’s on yet. Yep… crafty old WWE.com
Everybody leaves apart from Cena, and he notices that K-Fed is still here. He invites him into the ring, and asks him which title he wants to see defended. K-Fed says Cena’s, because he “wants to see his ass kicked up and down this ring”. Cena then proceeds to F-U Kevin Federline, in what honestly has now made me a Cena mark. Good old Cena, I always liked him.
Back from the break, and we’re shown Steve-O from “Jackass” in the crowd. He’s crap… where’s Johnny Knoxville when you need him? Too good for WWE eh? HUH? Tsk… punk.
Carlito vs. Rob Conway
Lock up to start, a couple of punches and headlocks then a throw to the corner. Running knee attack to Conway, then the Backcracker to finish off the match. Awesome match.. Match of the Year candidate, no question.
Winner: Carlito
Vince is in the back talking to Edge, and says that it’s gonna be Edge & Orton vs. DX at Cyber Sunday. Edge recommends that the fans get to decide the Special Guest Referee. Vince likes that idea. Good for Edge.
The Todd is back, from another commercial, in the ring. Says that two of his favourite movie stars are in the crowd. The stars from “Jackass 2″, Steve-O and Chris “Partyboy” Pontius. They talk some crap, but then the awesome Armando interrupts them. Apparently Steve-O and Partyboy will do anything. Armando challenges them to face Umaga, as Umaga wobbles down to the ring talking his usual gibberish.
The Jackass guys take their tops off, looking for a fight. Steve-O climbs the turnbuckle and does a backflip, much to the delight of the crowd. Umaga then proceeds to beat the tar out of both guys. Umaga does a big splash from the top rope onto Steve-O. Steve-O isn’t really selling much, and keeps laughing. Umaga then stiffs the crap out of good old Steve-O. Seriously. The kicks and punches looked vicious.
Tonight’s Lesson — Don’t laugh when Umaga’s on the offensive.
Back from another ad-break, and Cryme Tyme are shown in the crowd. Oh, wait.. it’s some guys called the Three-Six-Mafia, whoever those guys are.
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Lillian, announcing that we’ve got a “Last Chance Survival Bra & Panties Match”, or something to that effect.
Bra & Panties Invitational
We’ve got Victoria, Maria, Torrie and Candice all in the ring trying to strip each other… life is good. Victoria tries a slingshot, but Candice reverses and damn girl can wrestle. Teamwork from Torrie and Candice, before Maria strips Torrie for the win. Torrie’s looking good. Anyhoo… Maria has advanced in the Women’s title tournament.
Winner: Maria
Hopefully onto our last ad-break now.
The music hits, and DX make their way to the ring, do the old chops/firework routine and now H’s has a mic. “LA… aaaare… yoooou… reaaadyyyy?” Etc, etc.
After making ANOTHER gay joke about Randal Orton, HHH finishes off his speil. Edge & Orton then make their way to ringside, and enter the ring. Both Edge and HBK will be at ringside for this match apparently.
HHH vs. Randy Orton
The bell rings, and Orton pounces on HHH and starts hammering away on The Game in the corner. HHH eventually makes a comeback, and tosses Orton out of the ring. Orton looks to have hurt his knee on the landing.
We come back from ANOTHER ad-break, with HHH in control and a hard suplex on Orton. Knee-drop to the head, goes for a cover and a kick-out at two. Orton’s favouring the knee. Here comes Lita, for some reason. Orton throws HHH over the top rope, then Edge DDT’s the Game on the outside.
Back in the ring, a neck vice and a neck breaker on HHH sees Orton in control. A loud “Randy Sucks” chant starts, as Orton goes for a headlock. Ahh that Orton.. loves his headlocks. Knockdown and a couple of 2 counts for Orton, and now HHH is trapped in the corner as punches are raining down. HHH makes a comeback, and knocks Orton on his ass. High knee to Orton, and now Orton is the one in the corner taking the beating.
Facebuster on Orton. HHH goes for the Pedigree but Edge causes a distraction. Orton’s sizes up The Game for the RKO, but HHH sees him coming, throws him to the ropes and hits a spine buster. Lita low-blows HHH as Edge distracts the ref. A bit of a melee ensues, as I lose track of what the hell happened, but back on track, HHH hits Orton with a steel chair behind the refs back, and HHH get’s the win.
Winner: Triple H
Edge, Orton and Lita make their way back up the ramp, as DX are victorious in the ring.
That’s it folks, show over.
Don’t forget to check my column out tomorrow afternoon in Pulse Wrestling, and I’ll see you all later!
Stay Raw…
Danny Wallace.
