A lot of people say that folks like me are just “haters”. They say that the only reason that people like me have a problem with hip-hop nowadays is because the sound is “growing and changing” and I just can’t bear to change with it. To a certain extent that’s true. But even when I release myself from my late-nineties East Coast hip-hop preferences, I notice many things about the current landscape that are just plain wrong.
One thing that’s kicking my ass lately is all the shameless biting. Mathan covered this topic a while back, but it appears that the secret music industry executive butt sex cult didn‘t heed Mr. Erhardt’s admonishments, and continues down the path of MC homogenization.
The latest trend that the butt-culters have received from the severed head of Tommy Motolla is to dub each new rapper “Young” something-or-other. If you’re not paying attention (which is what they’re counting on) you’d think that all these “Young” guys are the same person. My caffeine-enhanced observations have yielded at least three “young” rappers having made their debut in the last year. What’s the motivation behind this new anti-aging agenda?
Let us explore.
Young Jeezy
He’s the grand-daddy of the current crop. And is quite obviously a product of the butt-culters’ obsession with Ninja Turtle mythology. His limited edition LP comes with a bo staff and a purple bandana with eyeholes cut out of it. His picture also serves a reminder for children to sign-up for the mumps vaccine. It’s been reported that the butt-culters use vaccines for mind control. It makes teenagers forget that R. Kelly likes to pee on little girls.
Young Dro
At first glance, he would seem like another disposable rapper, but if you dig deeper there’s a mountain of evidence supporting the theory that he’s another butt-cult puppet. His hit song “Shoulder Lean” would appear to be an anthem describing the subdued dance movements of male club-goers who think that dancing is effeminate. These hyper-masculine types are very careful to not do any dance that would ruin their perms or stain their pink blouses. So they politely shimmy their shoulders to the beat. This, however is not the true meaning of the song. It’s obviously reference to the butt-culters who lean under the weight of the casket that holds Master Mottola’s headless corpse.
Yung Joc
Another self-professed “ATLien”(!?), This youngster is set apart from the other soldiers of youth by the missing “O” in his moniker. This is an overt message from the subversive brothers of the butt. Missing the “O” is code for missing-the-orgasm. It’s to let us commoners know how much we’re missing by not achieving omni-sexual butt pleasure with humans, plants, and animals.
Other notable “Young” men:
Yung Wun: The prototype. “Young” and “One” are two words that you have to try really hard to not spell with an “o”.
Jay-Z aka Young Hov: We’re pretty sure that he’s in the Illuminati. Plus, there’s no other good reason for a forty year old to call himself young anything.
Young Zee: Sources have confirmed that this New Jersey rapper is not associated with the bilder-butts. We’re convinced because he’s dope.
Open Mike Eagle
Out.
