Tallyho lads..you’ve become quite the thorn in my balls.
Just kidding, I love you all. We’ve had significant goings on in the NFL this week. Teams are launching offensive coordinators left and right, we’ve had a steroid suspension, and a high profile star announce this very well could be his last season. I’ll give you details on all these items and more. We’ll also have a film session on this week’s primetime games, including one of the craziest Monday Night games I’ve ever laid eyes upon.
– DIRTY BOMB THREAT FOR 7 NFL STADIUMS
An internet message board has let us all know that trucks are to deliver dirty radioactive bombs to the Meadowlands, Dolphin Stadium, Georgia Dome, Seattle, Houston, Oakland, and Cleveland on Sunday, setting off an “American Hiroshima”, and also putting the Dolphins, Texans, Raiders, and Browns out of their misery. We’ll see how that turns out.
– TIKI TO RETIRE?
31 year old Tiki Barber has said he is and has been considering retirement. He is quoted as being excited about the rest of his life and to see what other opportunities are out there for him. How dare he. It is his responsibility to have 400 pound men fall on top of him 20 times every Sunday, and now he wants to “cut and run”. No wonder they are exploding a radioactive bomb at Giants Stadium this weekend.
– SHAUN ROGERS SUSPENDED
Lions DT Shaun Rogers has been suspended 4 games for violating the league’s steroid abuse policy. I say, in the interest of competitive balance, the Lions should all be not only allowed but required to take steroids.
– TRADE DEADLINE FRENZY
As is the annual tradition, there was feverish activity at the league’s trading deadline. Anthony “Booger” McFarland has been reunited with former coach Tony Dungy in Indy. Booger’s career has pretty much tanked in the last couple years after a strong start.
– OFFENSIVE COORDINATORS SACRIFICED TO ANGRY GODS
The Ravens fired offensive coordinator Jim Fassel this week. Baltimore threw three touchdown passes this past weekend in a loss to Carolina, and that’s just too many TD passes. Everyone knows the Ravens are better when they throw between 0 and 1 TD pass a game.
Arizona Cardinals offensive coordinator Keith Rowen went from idiot to hotshot head coaching candidate to fired in the span of about 11 hours this week. Edgerrin James will continue to earn $500K a week though to average 1.5 yards per carry. That’s all good. The man runs like he’s wearing 50 pound ankle weights.
So that’s the news for this week. We’ve got a ramm a lamma ham dam of a film session this week. Pull up a chair. Come closer. I won’t bite.
PRIMETIME FILM SESSION
RAIDERS AT BRONCOS
– Wheeee! It’s the Broncos in prime time again! They charge out of their giant flaccid penis-shaped horse head.
– We’re late in the first quarter. 25% of this game is gone and nothing notable has happened. Jake fakes a handoff, then rolls out to his left. He fires downfield to Javon Walker, who has a step on Nnmadi Asomugha, and pulls it down at the Raiders 5 yard line.
– On the very next play, fullback Cecil Sapp leads the way for a Tatum Bell TD run up the gut. 7-0 Broncos.
– After a personal foul on Raiders corner Stanford Routt, the Broncos are in FG range, and Jason Elam is good from 51 to give the Broncos a 10-0 lead, effectively ending this game.
– The Broncos get snazzy and run a double reverse. Plummer fakes a handoff to T. Bell, hands off to Rod Smith, who hands off to Javon Walker. Bell makes a nice block to spring a big gain for Walker. Plummer led the way downfield for Walker, tried to throw a block on Oakland safety Stuart Schweigert, and well, he blocks like a quarterback.
– This leads to a chip shot Elam field goal and it’s 13-0 Denver with 4 minutes left in the first half.
– Andrew Walter drops back to pass, and it’s the vaunted Raiders vertical passing game!! Randy Moss camps under it at the Denver 30 and pulls it down! The Raiders did something good!! Al Davis does a spit take with his goblet of sheep’s blood in the luxury box!
– 2 plays later, Walter goes deep for Randy again! And, uh, the pass is underthrown and Champ Bailey picks it off.
– Dominique Foxworth makes a nifty punt return for the Broncos. Nifty until he fumbles at the end of it. Somebody on the Oakland sideline pokes Sebastian Janikowski with a stick to wake him up. After he realizes this is not a drill and the Raiders have actually managed to get in field goal range, he brings the Raiders within 13-3 with 7 minutes left to play.
– Now Jake kneels down and the game is over. Art Shell looks very, very sad. Mike Shanahan looks like the Broncos’ helmet decal. Denver wins 13-3. They go to 4-1, and are tied with San Diego for 1st in the AFC West. Oakland falls to 0-5, and is left to weigh the pros and cons of a dirty bomb going off in their stadium during their game next week.
BEARS AT CARDINALS
– We’re halfway thru the first quarter, and the double digit underdog Cardinals are threatening to put the cap on a drive that started on their own 23. Matt Leinart throws a swing pass to Bryant Johnson, Lance Briggs blows right past Johnson, and it’s touchdown Arizona. I smell upset.
– Rex Grossman drops back and bounces around like he’s playing on a trampoline. Then he launches one downfield toward the sideline. Aaron Francisco says, “Yes I’d like an easy interception”, steps in front of Mushin Muhammad, and runs the ball back to the Bears 20.
– This leads to another Arizona TD when Leinart hits Anquan Boldin over the middle. The infallible Brian Urlacher misses a tackle, and Boldin strolls into the end zone to make it 14-0 Arizona. From Waukegan to Joliet, people are smashing each other’s skulls open, and feasting on the goo inside as it’s now panic time.
– Don’t worry Bear fans, Bouncy McBouncy will save you. See, there he is now, throwing a pass that is a good 5 yards away from anybody wearing a navy blue helmet when it’s picked off by linebacker Gerald Hayes.
– Here’s Rex getting stripped by Bertrand Berry. Way to keep two hands on the ball when you’re in the pocket. Your mechanics are flawless.
– Now Rex is getting sacked by Chris Cooper, and fumbling again. Rex is all like “How come I can’t stand in the pocket bouncing around for 10 minutes then launch the ball downfield to a receiver that’s not covered by anybody in this game?? That was working awesome for us before!?!?!”
-It’s now 20-0 Cards in the third quarter. Rex throws an out route to Bernard Berrian. Who ducks under 3 would be tacklers, and runs it down to the Arizona five. The Bears are unable to convert into a TD though, and have to settle for a Robbie Gould field goal and a 20-3 deficit.
– The Cardinals get a field goal to make it 23-3.
– Now starts the horror show.
– On the last play of the 3rd quarter, Leinart is blindsided by Mark Anderson. The ball flies loose, and Mike Brown scoops it up for a TD. 23-10 Arizona.
– No big deal though, there are now only 5 minutes remaining in the game, and the Cards still have that 23-10 lead and they have the ball near midfield. They can just run the clock out. Edgerrin James takes the handoff, and does what Edgerrin James does now, immediately put his head down and fall forward in hopes of picking up 2 yards. Seriously, he may as well be playing blindfolded. He had like 70 carries in this game and I think I saw him not looking at the ground the whole time on 2 of them. On this play, all Edge needs to do is fall down, and he can’t even do that right. He gets held up by the defense, allowing Urlacher to strip the ball, and Peanut Tillman to run it back 40 yards for a TD. Now it’s 23-17 Cards, and everybody in the stadium knows there is no way in hell the Cardinals are going to win this game now.
– Sure enough, with 3 minutes left, Devin Hester takes a punt back 80 yards, and the Bears have come back, in less than a quarter, without any offensive scores, from a 23-3 deficit to take a 24-23 lead.
– The Cardinals somehow manage to pull themselves together and get themselves within range for a 40 yard Neil Rackers field goal attempt. You will recall, Rackers missed a game winner attempt at the end of the game last week, and here he does the same thing. It’s wide left. Cardinals lose 24-23.
– After a game like this, Dennis Green should have done is postgame press conference in Esperanto, just to f*ck with people, and make them think they really have lost their minds. Instead, Denny gave us this soliloquy..
“The Bears are what we thought they were. They’re what we thought they were. We played them in the preseason. Who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like it’s bullshit? We played them the third game, everybody played three quarters (Hey, just like the Cardinals did in this game!), THE BEARS….ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!! That’s why we took the damn field. (BITCH SLAP MICROPHONE HERE) YOU WANNA CROWN THEM?? THEN CROWN THEIR ASS!! BUT THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! And we let em off the hook…”
It goes on like this.
With that I leave you for now, come back on Sunday for the Pregame Show and for periodic updates on all the day’s action.