Sure I only missed a week, but it was the first wrestling free week I’ve had in lord knows how long. No ECW, WWE, TNA, ROH, WOW, PVP, THQ, ABC, BBC, CVS, A&W, POT, EVO, or anything. I’m Tom Pandich, and I’m here to get Raaaaaaaaawwwwwwww tonight. So I have no clue what happened last week other then Danny covering my sick, stressed out ass. Ah well. Big Raw tonight? Sure, let’s pretend it is. Keep it here all night for the Raw goodness.
We’re in Chicago tonight. Oh, it’s Raw 700. Last week Kevin Federline got jacked up. Well, that’s special. K-Fed is in Johnny Nitro’s corner tonight against Cena. Apparently I missed Triple H/Orton. Thankfully the E is replaying it.
Oh, look it’s Kevin Federline. He has a “America’s Most Hated” t-shirt on, and America agrees. K-Fed wants payback. Both “TV” and “Internet” were talking about how John Cena gave K-Fed the FU on national tv. K-Fed isn’t anything like the Chicago Cubs. He’s not liked by anyone? Ah, he’s not a loser. Kevin introduces King Booker. Queen Sharmell stops the music. The King has something to say. He says Federline’s CD is a treasure. He’s a gifted and talented arteest. Man, I really need to watch Smackdown just for Booker.
Booker says all of these people want to be like K-Fed which draws massive boos. Apparently nobody wants to fall into millions and pounding Britney. Booker says he’ll be the new champ of whatever. Here comes the Big Show and he looks pissed in a three button mauve shirt, a jacket and jeans. Big Show wants to see John Cena lose his belt and get beaten within an inch of his life too. Anywho, Show says he’s going to win in quite a few words. Banter and here comes Cena.
John Cena introduces us to who’s in the ring. Cena says everyone thinks they’re looking at the worst line-up in Celebrity Jeopardy. Cena sees a big, royal, piece of trash. Cena says the Big Show is staring in the “White Fat Albert”. Cena then rags on King Booker for calling Federline’s album a treasure. John Cena congratulates Booker on officially losing his status as a black man. Then who comes out, why it’s Ron Simmons! He says “damn” and then wanders to the back. Greatest cameo since IRS (sure only two weeks). Cena says that K-Fed will have better luck playing with himself then playing with fire. Well there you go.
Melina vs Mickie James: Semi-final Match
CATFIGHT! Melina gets the early advantage as she catches Mickie off guard. Knees and such and then a suplex gets two. Mickie eventually counters Melina’s offense with a few knees and a fisherman’s suplex. Mickie runs over Melina with great anger. Flapjack by Mickie and she tries for the Stratusfaction which Melina counters with a swinging neck breaker. That gets a long two. Mickie gets tossed into the corner and counters with some head scissors. Mickie lands a spike DDT and Mickie is heading to the finals.
Winner: Mickie James
Last week, DX hits Orton with a chair. This week, we see a review of it and it’s time for commercials.
Last week Umaga makes the Jackass guys laugh their asses off.
Shelton Benjamin and Chris Masters vs Carlito and Jeff Hardy: Good to know these guys have direction
Who will Jeff Hardy face at Cyber Sunday? Who knows? Jeff starts out with Shelton. Big Hardy chant tonight. Shelton forces Hardy into the corner, but Hardy fights out. Shelton tattoo’s Jeffy with a kick and dumps Hardy. Jeff is our face in peril. Masters gets the tag, suplex for two, and the heels stomp away.
Shelton and Masters continue the quick tags until Hardy turns things around with a few punches followed by a Whispers in the Wind on Shelton. Carlito gets the tag and hits a facebuster, a springboard elbow, a springboard senton, spirngboard moonsault and everything in between. Jeff goes for a Twist of Fate but he gets shoved into Carlito. Shelton gets the roll up and the win.
Winner: Chris Masters and Shelton Benjamin
Everyone argues and shoves each other afterwards. Cyber Sunday is in two weeks.
We’re back, the Bears are in the house. Todd is with Orton and Edge. Edge, thankfully, cuts the promo. Wait, no, Orton pops into to suck the air out of the room. Orton says they’re Rated R….KO. Ugh. Orton go kill yourself on meds so we can remember you. Edge says that there are three “impartial” refs for Cyber Sunday. Eric Bischoff, Vince McMahon, or Jonathan Coachman.
Who’s tougher? John Cena or John Triton, the Marine? Obviously it’s the WWE superstars since nobody has seen the film. Wait, there’s a few marines too. Cena says that his character is tougher then he is.
In the back, Nitro and K-Fed are together. Federline is a much better actor and rapper then John Cena according to Nitro. OH JESUS CHRIST. The whiteness is causing my ears to bleed. K-Fed needs a piece of his own, and payback is a mother. I think I have cancer.
At Toys R Us, they have a new Hell in the Cell playset. I haven’t laughed harder watching the Undertaker’s action figure being catapaulted off the cage through a table.
Anywho, we’re back.
Johnny Nitro vs John Cena
Ugh, this’ll be awful. JR is a skittle eating fool. I’ll review an Umaga match, I’m not watching this crap. Cena wins with an FU.
Winner: John Cena
After the match, K-Fed is chased down by Cena. Booker T and the Big Show make the save. Cena gets run into the stairs, clotheslined, and chokeslammed. After the beat down, Booker Book Ends the Big Show. Axe kick to Cena and the King is the last man standing.
Last week, the Spirit Squad got broke up like some wack ass honkies.
Cryme Tyme vs Spirit Squad
Chad is a large big black man. Is it that hard Hatton? The Spirit Squad jumps on JTG when the ref is distracted. Typical whitey. Mikey and Nicky beat down JTG. JTG fights out of Mikey’s headlock but gets dropped with a drop kick. JTG hops over Mikey like a fence, and gets the tag. Chad runs over everyone. Cryme Tyme hits the G9 and that’s all she wrote. Fun match
Winner: Cryme Tyme
Kenny is pissed. He hits a huge leg drop on Mikey. Kenny is pissed. He doesn’t respect anyone. Kenny is really pissed. He’s had it with the Spirit Squad. He’ll get them back on their winning ways. He’ll beat Ric Flair tonight, by his self.
Later tonight, Kenny/Flair and Orton/Triple H (with the impartial observers).
This week in Wrestling History… it’s THE CHAMBER OF HORRORS MATCH!
Eugene vs Umaga: Ok I lied
Eugene fires the t-shirt gun into Armando’s crotch. Umaga drops Eugene with a Samoan drop. Umaga tears off the Bears jersey, and he tosses Eugene into the corner. Chops in the corner followed by the Samoan bulldozer… or whatever. Wait a second, this wasn’t a match.
Winner: NO CONTEST
Ah well. I treated it as a Umaga match. I declare us even stevens readers.
In the back, Eugene snaps and beats up Hacksaw Jim Duggan. FIRE BAD.
Kenny vs Ric Flair: Who’s Ric bringing down this week?
Kenny has the rest of the Spirit Squad with him. This week it’s Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper, and Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes is causing to me to reverse mark.
Kenny locks up with Ric. Ric chops the spirit out of Kenny. Kenny hits a back drop followed by a weird looking drop kick off the top. He is on Flair with clubbing blows. Kenny tries for the Figure Four. It’s countered. Chops and such. Flair gets tripped up, and rolled up by Kenny for the win.
This doesn’t matter though as Flair dumps Kenny. Spirit Squad beats down Flair. Rhodes and crew hits the ring and the Bionic Elbow goes around. Piper tosses in his own Bionic Elbow for good measure too. Dusty and Flair have a hug afterwards. Aww.
More Marine BS.
DX is there and they shill. DX says typically they’ll just kick their asses. They do the Austin Powers, elevator/stairs joke. Funny as always.
You can vote tonight for Cyber Sunday! We run down the card.
Eric and Coachman come down to the ring. Eric and the Coach have a nice little chat. Eric and Vince have a little pow-wow. Vince says they can work together even if they don’t like each other. Vince wants to help Eric help himself. They want to go Quid Pro Quo. Vince gets a call from his broker, and he’s not going to the ring. It’s amazing how brokers do 11 PM trading these days.
Earlier tonight, Cena got beat down.
Triple H vs Randy Orton: BORING
Eric and Coach come down. DX comes down. Orton and Edge come down.
Triple H gets the early advantage hitting a running elbow for two. Suplex is followed with a knee drop. Orton catches Triple H with his head down, but Triple H drops Orton with a spinebuster. Orton rolls outside and has his head slammed into the steel steps. Orton gets rolled back in, and Edge gets dropped across the top rope.
Orton dominates Triple H for all of about three seconds before Triple H kicks Orton in the gut a few times. Orton spikes Trips with a DDT, and stomps a mudhole into Hunter. Massive kneedrop gets two, and Orton rests it up with a side headlock. The crowd comes alive and Triple H fights up. Shoulderblock drops Trips, but he lands a rising knee followed with a facebuster across the knee. Lita grabs Triple H’s leg to stop him.
Triple H is dropped by Orton. Michaels is up on the apron. Ref gets bumped. Chaos ensues. The match ends with Orton pinning Triple H with a chair shot that is given to him by Eric Bischoff.
Winner: Randy Orton
Fade to black on Edge, Lita, and Randy victorious.