Let’s talk…
first the intro:
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Now let me first address last week. Due to some family stuff, we called off the Rabble. I’m not really apologizing for it, even though last week’s show was ripe with riffing material, I had to do what I had to do…
Now let me address what I am really very sorry about. I recognized earlier today that the link at the bottom of this very report was incorrect for sending feedback. So if any of you have sent feedback to jhatton@gmail.com and not gotten a response – it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s not even because I was so busy…
So please – resend it. Even if it was a ‘hey, I liked this joke’ – please resend it.
Now – let’s Rabble live in New Jersey’s own O’Brien’s Tavern… with:
JENNA – Thing 1
HERNANDEZ – Thing 2
BILL – Thing 3
MIKE – Thing 4
MIGHTY MIKE – Watching the Giants
GINNY – Also watching the Giants
MICHAEL – BECAUSE WE NEED MORE MIKES!!!!! GOD DAMN!
So they start us off with Extra talking about Jimmy Kimmel talking about E! talking about TV Guide talking about VH1 talking about Raw.
So tonight Cena versus Nitro and Randy Orton wants a rematch versus Triple H.
Starting the show though is…. oh good god. Kevin Federline.
He’s got his own theme.
He’s got his own shirt.
“Curtain Jerkin Kevin Federline” – Bill
“Back to football” – Mighty
“He climbed into the ring like a f*cking woman.” – Mike
Kevin explains that he is here at Raw for payback.
“This is the most I’ve ever seen him on tv” – Mike
“I only saw him for the first time, last week” – Me
“Who is he?” – Bill
Mike is already calling for the paddle on a poll match. Federline then introduces King Booker…. and he’s even putting up the black power fist up.
“Asalamalakum” – Bill
So Sharmel gives Book the mic.
“Mister Federline – I listened to your CD. It is a treasure. You are a decent and talented artistNow John Cena will pay for his actions. You, K-Man, are a trendsetter – and all of these people want to be like you. That is why they…..”
“So are they going to give him the title?” – Mike
“And then give him a tag team with David Arquette?” – Hernandez
Book continues prattling on – until the inevitable Big Show.
“What’s he doing on Raw – he asked knowingly” – Bill
“The show finally just started for me.” – Hernandez
Show’s got his mic. He agrees Cena’s title should be up. He also agrees Cena should be beaten. He disagrees with Booker though.
“That’s KING Booker” – Booker
“I’ll call you whatever the hell I want..” – Big Show
“That’s right Ni……no no no no..” – Me
Show then proclaims that he is going to win Shyber Shunday. Booker T refers to this as ‘Balderdash’
“POPPYCOCK!” – Bill
This is all interrupted of course by John Cena.
“We’ve hit the commercial break on my show…” – Hernandez
“Well well well..” – Cena from the top of the key.
“I’m not going down to the ring..” – Bill
Cena then makes fun of everyone – not surprising. Cena calls Big Show a bunch of mean names… saying he was in Ghostbusters, Return of the Jedi.. and ‘The White Fat Albert’ whatever that means.
“And King Booker…” – Cena
“…you too are the White Fat Albert… I’ve run out of material” – Cena
“The sequel?” – Me
Cena then says then says that Booker, because of liking Federline’s album, has lost status as a black man. At this point in time… RON SIMMONS comes out!??!?!
“DAMN!” – Ron Simmons
Then leaves. NO SHIT! Awesome. Cena makes a masterbation joke and it’s official —
“Farooq steals the show.” – Hernandez
And what do the forums think:
“Holy shit, Ron was the best thing on Raw ever.” – Insider Creature
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:14
My old roommate Jeremy has called me to say — “DAMN…”
And Melina is here wearing snakeskin and doing Kitiara Mortal Kombat moves. So now here comes Mickie James.
“Who wrestles in fur boots???? It looks like Melina is wearing Yogi Bear on her feet.” – Insider Witchy Mo
MELINA vs. MICKIE JAMES
Mickie James
Melina starts by running and kicking Mickie as she enters the ring. Mickie goes and spears her followed by some fists to the face – and a hairpull toss that Melina lands on her nose. Mickie pulls in Melina as she is trying to leave – but Melina kicks out of it.
Knee to Mickie’s head… and this match is looking a touch stiff.
“Mmmmm women’s match… stifff…” – Mike
“The jokes write themselves” – Bill
Melina now suplexes Mickie and then beats her in a kneeling dragon sleeper.
“This move would definately have ‘Embarrassment Factor” – Bill
Melina then stands up and locks it in with continued beatings. Mickie then gets a knee, barely, to Melina’s head with a fisherman suplex for two! Nice.
Mickie then elbows Melina deliciously – a kick to the gut – and a clothesline or two drop her. Two count. Mickie with more punches to Melina – hits the ropes and a fist to her chest. FLAP JACK! Mickie kicks her to the guy and makes the symbol for the Stratusfaction…
“Is that Mickie.. what happened to her?” – Michael
“She’s not crazy anymore” – Bill
“Oh.. that’s it” – Michael
As Mickie is going for the Stratusfaction, Melina screws it up into a spinnie thing of her own that I blinked for – but in the end Mickie hits a hurricanrana and a spinning DDT to win it.
Sloppy ending, but solid women’s stuff really.
WINNER: MICKIE JAMES
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25
So last week – the Jackass guys laughed a lot.
In the ring Shelton & Chris Masters… poor poor poor Shelton.
Now here comes Carlito with Jeff Hardy!
So for Shyber Shunday – you can vote Nitro, Benjamin, or Carlito for the IC title…
MASTERS & SHELTON vs. HARDY & CARLITO
Where’s Super Crazy?
Shelton in the ring with Jeff… lock up to start and Shelty charges him to the corner. He goes for the hit, but it’s reversed, and Jeff goes after Shelty AND Masters.
He throws Shelton to the ropes, but eats a back elbow in return. Shelton pick shim up and hurls him out of the ring. Masters on the outside continues the beatdown.
Shelty drags Hardy back into the ring and tags in Masters. Elbow from Masters – double underhook suplex and a pin for two. Masters now drags Jeff to the corner, having a harder time than Shelton and tags him in.
“It’s because he’s black” – Mike
“You say that for everything” – Bill
Chinlock and a kick to Hardy’s back. More chinlock.
Shelton drops the hold for no real reason and tags in Masters to continue the doubleteam shenanigans. Hardy finally fights out of it with Shelton – runs to the corner – hits the Whisper In The Wind. Hardy hits the hottag.
Carlito goes to the ropes – high flying back elbow – big flapjack – and in runs Hardy to stop Masters with a nice mulekick. Carlito does the plancha rolling thunder. Goes for the lionsault… MISSES – but then stands as if nothing happened!
Shelton gets up as Masters does and they throw each other into each other.. and Carlito & Hardy begin fighting as Shelton rolls the pin.
WINNER: MASTERS & CARLITO
Now the clusterf*ck begins!
Shelty and Masters bail as Hardy and Carlito continue to argue.
“So did the other wreslers braid his hair like that when he was sleeping?” – Michael
“They did it at the diva sleepover” – Jenna
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36
Todd Grisham now going to talk to Edge & Orton. Now that since I’m not really going to listen to this – I just wanted to say I am pretty sure I saw Todd Grisham on Saturday night in Manhattan. Just sayin.
Some wrestlers talk about The Marine.
“How come they didn’t ask Kanyon?” – Me
“Jamie’s now going to see it because Maria gave it a thumb’s up” – Hernandez
“No, I know where that thumb’s been..” – Me
“CM Punk sat down too quick” – Hernandez
Then Nitro and Federline talk in the back.
“So Joey Mercury goes into rehab, and they give us Federline.. the hell?!” – Hernandez
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:45
Nitro & Melina come down with Federline. Melina wearing a nice lil kneesock ensemble. They do the whole slide in bit….
Federline stands in the corner turnbuckle.
“PYRO!?!? PYYYROOOOOO!!!!! damn..” – Hernandez
And now here comes Cena.
JOHN CENA vs. JOHNNY NITRO
…federline..ech…
Lock-up and f*ck-up to start as Nitro swings and misses. Cena grabs him and throws him to the corner. To the ropes and hits the back elbow for two.
Cena lifts Nitro and a big swing to his head. Throws him to the corner – kick to the gut and a single leg suplex. He goes for the pin, but Melina distracts the ref. Then as Cena tries to stop it – Federline distracts him so Nitro can get some kicks in.
“Nitro wears realllllly tight pants.” – Mike
“Thanks for looking” – Hernandez
I miss some stuff – but nobody cares. Cena goes for the flying cross body and Nitro ducks. Nitro then throws John out of the ring and Federline gets to stand there and mock him and get his payback… by … ya know.. hitting him or something. This of course just wakes Cena up. He turns around and gets planch’d on by Nitro. Nitro slams Cena’s head to the commentating booth.
He throws in Cena and charges with the pin for two. Nitro rings his arm, kicks Cena – and now Cena begins to punch bafck. Throws Nitro to the corner – charges and misses and eats a bulldog for two.
Nitro then hits a body scissor…. whoo… Cena stands – drops – both are down.
They both get to their feet and Cena hits the shouldertackles… clothesline.. blue thunder.. you can’t see me.. Salute – FU..
“One arm.. One arm… YOU SUCK!” – Hernandez
WINNER: JOHN CENA
Cena then charges to the outside to go after Federline…. charges all the way up the key and Federline stumbles – but he is stopped by Booker and Show come out and the beatdowns begin.
Booker throws Cena to the stairs. Show rolls him in the ring and a mean clothesline from Booker.
“It’s like Grape Ape and Beagly” – Hernandez
Then out of nowhere, Booker book-end’s Show and a beautiful Axekick to Cena!
Booker walks supreme – and I’m ok with that!
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 10:02
CRYME TYME ARE HERE!!!!
“Redman and Method Ma.. wrong guys.. sorry” – Hernandez
CRYME TIME vs. SPIRIT SQUAD
Nice.
So JT starts in the ring getting beaten down by Nicky. Nicky slams him down and tags in Micky. A pin for two. Fists to his face.
“Dammit, they’re still together” – Jeffrey
“Cryme Time? They’ve been together two weeks” – Me
Suplex to JT – standing Suplex – JT charges in for a tag to Shad – and he clears house. I love Shad. HUGE side suplex. Clohteslines over the top! Kenny on the top rope and he catches Kenny and press slams him to the outside!
Shad lifts him up – Neckbraker from JT – THAT’S THAT!
WINNER: CRYME TYME
“They stole another one!” – Hernandez
Kenny gets pissed and finally – legdrops one of the other SS…
“The Nail In The Coffin!” – Hernandez
“Is it the shoessss?!” – Me
“He reminds me of Owen Hart.. why!?” – Mike
“The nose..” – Me
“Say it.. say it..” – Hernandez
“It’s time for change!” – Me
“CAAAAN YOUUU DIIIG ITTTTT” – Michael
So Kenny gets pissed and announces tonight it’s him versus Ric Flair and he’s doing it by himself!
“He’s like the Donnie Walburgh of the Spirit Squad” – Michael
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:15
Halloween Havok – October 1991 – The Chamber of Horrors – VADER TIME! – SCOTT HALL! – Blonde Sting! – Mick Foley! – Electrocuted Cage! – Abdullah The Butcher! – Ric Steiner throws Abdullah into the electric chair!!!!!
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…they brought up the Chamber Of Horrors! It was the first, and thankfully the LAST Chamber Of Horrors match ever!” – Insider SpaudlingsGhost
GREATEST MATCH EVER!
Eugene in the ring – and Umaga comes down to the ring…
“Joo.. are retarded.. HA HA…” – Bill
“Unload that t-shirt gun right into Alejandro.. Say Hello To my Cotton Poly-Blend!” – Michael
Of course Eugene shoots him in the nuts…. Eugene then puts the gun down and cries before Umaga attacks him.
Umaga does not look happy.
“Dance Jamal!” – Me
“Eugene is dead.” – Hernandez
“Oh this is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into Stan” – Bill
Umaga wrecks him.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
Raw invades Asia… two words: Maria – Kimono.
I’m out.
Eugene in the back is getting a talking to by Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
“Hey I just got back from a signing with Christian” – Hernandez
“In Asia they call Christian.. Buddhist.. goes over better” – Michael
Ric Flair runs on down babbling on, but we don’t know about what. Sgt. Slaughter comes on down! Piper comes on down!
“Apparently Piper has nothing to do on Monday nights!” – Hernandez
DUSTY RHODES?!?!?
“No Sapphire!” – Hernandez
“Ith a spethal night to be heah'” – Michael
“He’s just a common man.. working hard with his hands..” – Me
No Money Inc.. AWWW!
RIC vs. KENNY
They have appeased the Rabble
Kenny runs up and hits a bomb missle dropkick right into Ric’s face. Nice.
Kenny beats down on Flair – removes the straps…
“I’M KURT ANGLE… Not really..” – Me
Kenny goes for a figure four – but it’s reversed and kicked out… dummy. Now Flair chops him down. Throws him to the ropes and eats a back elbow. Flair goes to the ropes and gets stopped by the Spirit Squad
Kenny goes for a roll-up and HITS IT!??!?!?!
WINNER: KENNY
Now Spirit Squad run in and the Legends run in! It’s Rhodes Elbow time!
“Please tell me this is a Survivor Series match!” – Me
Rhodes hits elbows.. Piper hits Elbows…
“It’s elbow night!” – Michael
The Legends then throws all the SS out… and the oldfolk celebrate in the middle of the ring. Then they dumbly cut away to the Marine… yech.
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:35
DX rises from the invisible elevator to talk with Grisham…
DX pimps their wristbands and hats…
“How come the people that always say they are the best, really.. are the least?” – Shawn
“MAAAAAAAN FUNK DAT!” – Michael
They do infact take the invisible elevator down…. soo goofy.
In the back Coach, Bischoff, and Vince meet.
Why? Vince wants to talk to Bischoff… he wants to let bygones be bygones. Bischoff agrees.
Vince wants Bischoff to make a deal with him, but then he got a phone call from his broker. He can’t make it out to the ring though…
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:45
Here comes Eric Bischoff…
Here comes Coach…
Here comes DX!
Trips does his ‘Are You Ready’ bit.
Now here comes Edge…. they kiss.
“She’s not even trying to look convincing anymore..” – Michael
…HEY!!!!!…
“HEY!” – Bill
“HEY!” – Me
“HeheheHEY!” – Bill
“HEY!” – Jeffrey
“Guys..” – Hernandez
“There’s nothing you can SAY” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:54
TRIPLE H vs. ORTON
With lots of people hanging around
Hunter beats down on Orton and a suplex. Kneedrop. Punches Orton down. Trips throws to the ropes and a kick from Orton, but Hunter catches with the spinebuster.’
Headslam outside from Hunter to Orton.
Trips climbs to the top rope as Orton rolls in. Chokes him against the ropes. Hunter goes for a fist – ducked and a dropkick from Orton.
Orton now stomps the leg of Trips…. Throws Trips to the ropes. Kneelift. Now the punches and clotheslines. Trips hits the ropes again, but Lita grabs his leg. Orton though catches Trips and hits the inverted backbreaker. (The cool knee thingy)
Trips grabs Orton and throws him into the ref – grabs him for the Pedigree – but then eats a Spear.
“The Rated R – Minibar” – Michael
On the outside Shawn attacks Edge. Hunter is lying on Orton – as Coach goes to catch the pin, Shawn goes to superkick Shawn and misses – hitting Coach! OOooo…
Edge rolls in to spear Hunter, but gets thrown out in the last minute. Hunter turns and EL KABONG – CHAIR SHOT!
Ref rolls in and that’s that…
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
That is entirely that… what do we think?
“It was pretty good” – Bill
“DAMN!” – Hernandez
“No Mike Rotunda” – Jenna
“You guys eat too much” – Bartender Jeffrey
“Much easier to watch with alcohol” – Michael
“And I say Roddy Piper appeared, it couldn’t have sucked too bad” – Me
Thanks once again for enjoying the Rabble, and please, give us a letter to know you are out there. Thanks and goodnight.
