Afraid of the Smark, or Smarkness falls”¦
Halloween. Born from a pagan ritual and often associated with the occult and terrifying imagery, the US interpretation of this holiday has become synonymous with evil and fear. Whenever I think of the late October holiday, horror films, both great and awful, spring to mind. In the spirit of All Hallows’ Eve, I’m reminded of those professional wrestling characters that might have made a smooth transition to the spooky world of horror films, and those who would have languished as the punch line in Halloween jokes.
TODAY’S ISSUE: Monster Wrestlers
There have been several creepy, scary, freaky characters in wrestling throughout the years. Wrestlecrappers will recall all the Frankenstein, Werewolf, and Mummy gimmicks promoters have attempted with the hopes of scaring our money right out of our wallets. But there have been other supernatural, demonic, psychotic grapplers in the history of our favorite athletic/theatric hybrid.
The new WWECW started with a whimper, attempting to convince science fiction fans that pro wrestling belongs on the Sci Fi channel. The first segment I recall from ECW’s rebirth in June involved a completely moronic “zombie” being caned half to death by resident hell-raiser, the Sandman. While it’s true this zombie character wasn’t given enough time to be truly fleshed out, I’ll go ahead and make the leap of faith and call him one of the worst translations of a horror flick-type character the squared circle has ever seen, and leave it at that. Most will speculate that this was nothing more than Vince McMahon being Vince. “They want a science fiction tie-in? I’ll show ‘em science fiction!”
On the other hand, the original incarnation of the Mankind character was truly terrifying. He had no supernatural powers. He thrived on the memories of his tortured childhood, seemingly driven to damage others to restore his own self worth. He intimidated other wrestlers with a pain threshold so high that it actually caused some to speculate he enjoyed pain. In fact, he mutilated himself just as often as his opponents. The sadistic, demented Mankind would have made a great horror villain.
Then we have the Boogeyman, who tries to be scary but winds up looking stupid and awkward instead. I can’t fathom why other characters act so terrified of him. Is it the paint on his face, the worm-eating compulsion, the candy glass clock breaking, or the full body shimmy he does? None of these scare me one bit. Either way, I’m so glad he’s returned to the SmackDown! roster. I never get tired of stupid things to write about.
TNA’s monster Abyss is another good example of a scary wrestler. He is physically imposing and intimidating. He never speaks, except for an enraged growl now and then. He obviously harbors a great deal of rage and hatred, and is all too willing to explode at any time. His efforts can be directed slightly by James Mitchell, but Abyss is not easily controlled. Whatever horrible circumstances caused him to be the way he is, Abyss isn’t done repaying the world for it yet. And why does he wear that mask? It adds another creepy dimension to his already psychotic character.
Toxic Avenger wanna-be Adam Bomb was altered by nuclear radiation to become the Creation of Devastation, complete with funky contact lenses and bio-hazard markings on his tights. He would most likely have been a straight-to-video release if the character were born in movies instead of the wrestling ring.
The original Doink the Clown was horrifying. The insane, evil clown who takes delight at causing pain and suffering was clearly inspired by Poltergeist and Steven King’s It. From The Joker to the Insane Clown Posse, the idea of someone known for being happy and gentle instead acting aggressively and ruthlessly is a powerful assault on the senses. One can easily understand why Seinfeld’s Kramer is afraid of clowns. Doink drove audiences to make signs that read, “Kill the Clown!” in a time before signs were prevalent in wrestling crowds. He was a solid, unique character. That is of course, until they turned him faced and destroyed the gimmick for good.
Gangrel, the former Vampire Warrior, had one of the coolest gimmicks ever. From his ring-of-fire entrance complete with blood spewing, to his look, music and mannerisms, Gangrel was like a bizarre horror film come to life. He eventually recruited Edge and Christian to form the Brood, and the three terrorized the mid-card with bloodbaths and intensity. They even caught the eye of the Undertaker, who was growing more sinister by the week. The Brood became minions of the Undertaker in his Ministry of Darkness, who could have inspired a decent slasher flick in their own right.
In order to accomplish his “possession” of a new disciple, ‘Taker would abduct him, mutilate his flesh, give him a new identity, and hypnotically control the mind of his new Ministry member from that point forward. With a decent script, this could have been a fun film to rent.
Speaking of the Undertaker, he and his “brother” Kane seem to possess supernatural powers, which always made me wonder why they cared about pro wrestling in the first place (but that observation could be made about most the guys I’m discussing today, so I’ll leave it alone). At one point in the late 1990’s their feud evolved to the point in which the brothers hurled mystical lightning bolts and fireballs at each other like Olympic Gods. It was extremely campy and very overdone. B movie fodder at best.
I enjoyed the Ministry version of the Undertaker more because he convinced a gang of thugs to beat people up for him and had his enemies strung up crucifixion-style. This is much more believable behavior than rising from the dead or controlling lightning, and cults that perform similar activities have existed throughout the history of humanity. Normal people committing inhumane acts are always scarier to me than otherworldly beings who couldn’t actually exist. Misery, for example, is a terrifying story because it could certainly happen in the real world.
More recently, Kevin Thorn has haunted the arenas of WWECW, but this man doesn’t claim to be a vampire. Joey Styles openly acknowledges that Thorn and his companion Ariel are fans of vampirism and frequent “bite clubs” where they live out their vampire fantasies. At least they don’t claim that they two actually ARE vampires. In the case of Gangrel and his Brood, the announcers would claim they lived a “gothic lifestyle”, but never confirmed or denied the characters’ status as monsters or strange people. Thorn and Ariel are the types to wind up as quick midnight snacks for “real” vampires in a cheesy horror film.
WCW’s Dungeon of Doom was the worst collection of D movie cast-offs ever assembled. From the Shark, to the Yeti, to Kamala and the Zodiac, Taskmaster Kevin Sullivan’s nerd squad was comical at best, and far from fearsome. And to think, all that stupidity was caused by a common goal to remove a true monster from the ranks of pro wrestling: The Orange Goblin himself, Hulk Hogan. He might have been the scariest creature to ever appear in a wrestling ring, but that would be because of his backstage political maneuvering and lack of moveset, rather than anything overtly terrifying.
Actually, I’d say the three most terrifying wrestlers I’ve ever witnessed were Zeus, El Gigante, and The Great Khali. I know I always shuddered when they made their way to the ring, because it meant I’d have to sit through another long, boring, “big man” match.
Happy Halloween.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.
p.s. — They call it the New Testament, but it’s pretty old. They ought to call them the Old Testament and the More Recent Testament. – Steven Wright
