Woo Raw time. I’m Tom Pandich. This is Raw live coverage. See you all in a bit.
I just want to be loved. Aww poor Raw. I love you (even though you hurt me). Speaking of which, it’s Edge and Rannnnnnndy in the ring to cut a promo. Tonight is Edge’s birthday! Hurrah. He has to spend it with all of the audience. Edge threw up a little, but he swallowed it. Orton says he’s got something to cheer Edge up. Blah blah blah. Orton wins last week.
Tonight it’s the Cutting Edge though. Eric, Vince, and Coach are the guests. Why should you vote for them? Eric knows controversy and is the first guy to understand this (before Vince). Coach wants another job. Vince is Vince. He says Shawn isn’t going to be there. Tonight it’s Orton/Hunter 3 and it’s Edge’s job to be the guest referee.
Vince sits Coach down and gets the reality of what could happen if Cena lost the title and Raw didn’t have a champion. Coach was going to give Cena the night off. Coach runs through various ways to soften the others up. Vince has a better idea. He wants us to go to WWE.com or text a vote for Cena to take on either the Big Show, King Booooookah, or the Coach. There is a right answer for this btw.
The crowd is texting!
Triple Threat Match: Shelton Benjamin vs Carlito vs Johnny Nitro
Jeffykins comes out to watch. The heels stomp Carlito to start. He pops up and tries for a springboard back elbow, but he gets caught and tossed over the top. This is pretty formula triple threat with guys getting dumped for a one on one match up. Carlito does his backflip off the top landing on his feet only to be dropped by a top rope bulldog. The finish is rather quick. Shelton comes off the top but runs into Nitro’s dropkick. Nitro gets pulled out. Carlito hits a back cracker.
Winner: Carlito
Jeff claps on Carlito after the match.
WWE Slam of the Week: K-Fed slaps Cena. Cena gets beat down by a surprise attack.
Todd is with John Cena. Is he worried? Of course not. Cena needs to look at things in a positive way. Cena could win a belt Sunday. He doesn’t know though. He doesn’t know what belt is up for grabs Sunday. Cena doesn’t know who he’s taking on tonight. He doesn’t know what he wants for breakfast tommorrow either.
Anywho, Cena wants to know who Todd voted for. Todd didn’t vote. He was texting his girlfriend. Cena yells at Todd that he’s gay. Todd snaps shouting “I voted for King Booker and I hope he beats you!” John Cena is happy and rather subdued.
Torrie Wilson tries to pick up Carlito. Carlito tries to do the same. They’ll “talk” after the show. Maybe get something to eat, go somewhere nice…. err get some advice. Carlito is a pimp.
Lita/Maria is next.
Women’s Title Tournament: Semi-Finals: Lita vs Maria
The choices for Cyber Sunday are Diva Lumberjack, No Holds Barred, and Submission Match. A submission match could be hillarious. Damn, damn, damn. Maria looks really damn hot. Maria has a pictorial in WWE magazine.
Maria gets a roll up for two and an inside cradle for two. Clothesline by Lita and a side Russian leg sweep gets two. Back breaker gets two. Lita hammers away at Maria and tosses her to the ground. Mickie says she wants a submission match. Maria hits a bulldog!!!! She’s so happy! Bronco buster! Lita rolls up Maria and gets two when the ref sees her leg on the rope. Maria tries for a Scorpion Death Drop, but it’s countered. Spike DDT and that’s all she wrote.
Winner: Lita
Lita and Mickie James jaw at each other. Poor Maria. Better match then I thought it would be.
There’s quite a bit of fighting in The Marine. Raw is being brought to us tonight by Auto Zone, bodawg.net, and Shitty Game Series 12.
Special Guest Referee Edge: Triple H vs Randy Orton… again
Ugh. WWE.com really should sell that ref shirt. Triple H lays out Edge. Apparently he wasn’t ready. Commercials.
Hmmm. Even though I’m not much of a fan for FPSes, Gears of War looks pretty neat. Triple H is waiting for Orton. Orton doesn’t look happy. That’s ok. I’m never happy when Orton is on the screen either. They exchange rights. Orton bails and throws a fit. Orton gets tossed again and it’s fit times two. Orton tricks Triple H and pulls him to the outside. HHHs eats steps. Orton eats announcer’s tables.
Orton tries to take out Triple H, but he ends that with a mean looking chop block. Triple H works over the leg in a heelish fashion and the crowd loves it. Orton’s leg eats steel post. Orton’s leg has a few elbows and leg drops the elbow. Triple H tosses a crotch chop and a half hearted woo. Because it’s half hearted, the figure four is countered. Reverse neck breaker followed by a DDT gets two. Orton poses and almost does a Flair strut before dropping the knees. Orton drops a few knees and rest holds it up with a rear chinlock. Trips fights up, Trips gets dropped.
Poor Triple H. He pulls himself up in the corner, and he kicks Randy in the gut twice. Slugfest is won by Randy. Randy tosses Trips into the ropes and it’s Triple H’s facebuster across his knee. Edge pops in and it’s a DQ for Triple H.
Winner by DQ: Triple H
Edge flattens Triple H with a chair for good measure. Edge gives Orton the chair. Orton does his retarded “measuring” for the RKO. Triple H drops Orton across the chair countering the RKO. Spear by Edge. Triple H rolls out. Edge checks on Orton and Triple H gets his Peter Gabriel on knocking the chair out of Edge’s hands with his Sledgehammer. Edge dodges the follow up shot, but Randy eats the hammer in the stomach.
Umaga vs Eugene and “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Time for me to pull an Eric. Umaga swishes Hacksaw while Eugene shits himself.
Winner: Umaga
Coach chats it up with Eric in the back. Eric says that the Coach should be afraid of John Cena. Coach says he’s going to beat down the next person who walks through “that” door. It’s Ron Simmons. Coach bails. “Damn!” Nice to see Ron’s got work.
Cena fights snakes and other monsters in Australia.
Flair comes out and Woos! This Sunday, it’s Ric and ??? vs the Spirit Squad. They have a chance to make tag team history. It’ll be Roddy, Sgt. Slaughter, or the worst wrestler of all time, Dusty! Sgt. Slaughter is the first to come out. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper gets a small reaction, bigger then Slaughter’s though. Finally, it’s the tub of goo. Dusty gets a rather small reaction too, but the biggest of everyone. I feel ripped off, like a Schyster should be in this match.
Slaughter wants to beat up those maggots, the puke squad. *yawn*. Where Sgt. comes from, they still don’t take any prisoners. The Sarge gets the crowd behind him. Roddy tells us that he refuses to lose. He won’t underestimate the Spirit Squad. Roddy was never a world champion. Good to hear. He gives Dusty a kiss. Dusty eats a crate of butter to prove he should be the man we vote for. Dusty says Ric Flair is a 6 time world champion. Seriously.
Cryme Tyme steals Todd’s monitor.
Cryme Tyme vs Charlie Haas and Viscera
Cryme Tyme hooks up the monitor outside the annoucer’s table. JTG and Haas start things off. Jay Tee Gee runs into a Haas elbow and a Haas elbow is run into him afterwards. Double arm side suplec is followed by a kick to the back and a tag to Vis. Massive drop toe hold to a leg drop squishes JTG. Mable hooks on a bear hug. JTG dodges the splash and makes the hot tag.
Chad and JTG floor Viscera. Reverse guillotine on Haas is followed up by Cryme Tyme’s finisher. That’s it.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
The King is robbed blind after the match.
Todd is interview king tonight as he’s with Triple H. He says the special guest ref won’t matter. Triple H says if they bring it, he’ll bring it bigger. Triple H holds up the chair post sledgehammer dent.
Coach is going to vote when he’s interupted by the Big Show and King Bookah! They agree he should be fighting John Cena tonight.
We’re back and the three options head down to the ring. They take way too long to announce that 74% of people want to see Cena beat up the Coach.
John Cena vs the Coach
Cena chases down the Coach. The heels beat up Cena on the outside before the bell gets rung. Coach gets only a two count though. He hits Cena with clubbing blows. Cena gets pissed and he drops Coach. Coach gets crushed in the corner followed with ten punches in the corner, the throwback, five knuckle shuffle, FU, and STFU. That’s it.
Winner: John Cena
Staredown ends things. See you next time folks.
