Monday Night Rabble

IT’S MAN’S NIGHT!

THAT’S RIGHT MAN’S NIGHT!

JENNA’S AT A CONCERT-
DANI’S AT WORK

T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
S A U S A G E
P A R T Y !

So here are your mensss for the night…

HERNANDEZ – Our Herculean Spaniard!
BILL – The Asgardean Thor!
JEFFREY – The Green Man Of The Bar!
And your Adonis himself… Me, James Hatton

Also look out for the IP Insyderz floating around too..

In the ring to start the show – black ring mat – and Edge & Orton..
“Look another failed Canadian Show..” – Hernandez
“ORDGE!” – Me

Edge and Orton are not happy about all the boos.
“HEY! ..Heyyyyy?” – Bill

Edge doesn’t want to start the show on a tragic note but..
“We’re here” – Bill

It’s Edge’s birthday – and he has to spend it with these people, which makes him throw up in his mouth a little.
“But I swallowed it–” – Edge
“LIKE A CHAMP!… A .. Former Champ” – Hernandez

Orton touts his win over Trips from last week and we see the video tape.
“Since HHH is in DX, this means absolutely nothing.. just another midcard push to the main event.” – Hernandez

This got Edge fired up. Not only does DX have to face Ordge this weekend, but a special guest ref as voted on WWE.COM.
“Eugene wins by the write-in.” – Bill
“You know I’d write Owen in all day long..” – Hernandez

Edge now calls Bischoff down, book under arm.
He then calls down Coach, who looks happier than he ever should.
Finally, the big boss himself, Vinnie Mac.
“We’re in Vince country?” – Hernandez

Vince is getting a mixed opinion from the crowd which is a touch odd, but whatever. Edge welcomes his guests, but he wants each to explain why they should be the special guest.

Bischoff first explains that ‘Controversy Creates Cash’.
“Kaaaaaa-ching” – Me

Bischoff then explains that DX knows nothing about controversy. Is it because they invaded WCW? Is it because they beat up on Vince McMahon… Bischoff was around before even Vince understood what controversy was about.
“I hired Lex Luger!” – Hernandez
“And put people on poles!” – Me

Now they give Coach the mic. DX has never given Coach respect. They’ve undermined his authority.
“Not to mention – beat his ass..” – Bill

Coach apparently, is no joke.
“And that’s why he’s losing” – Hernandez

Vince doesn’t want to pontificate about why we should choose him.
“Using that word of the day calendar.” – Hernandez
“His other word was obsquatchilate.” – Me

Shawn apparently is not here tonight..
“He’s been obsquatchilated.” – Bill

So tonight Trips has to face against Orton again for the rubber match. With a guest referee tonight. That is going to be, of course, Edge.
“Orton got him a very expensive handbag, and won’t explain why..” – Me

So they clear the ring and Coach and Vince have a sitdown together. Vince wants to explain that one week from now WWE might have no champion. Vince wants to know what Coach has done to prepare Cena.
“I rubbed him down – got him a Thai hooker.” – Me

Coach gave him the night off, but Vince doesn’t like that idea. So instead Coach says handicapped match versus Book & Big Show.. but Vince doesn’t like that either – so Coach asks Vince what HE would do… so he can learn from him.
“Coach was originally white, wasn’t he?” – Jeffrey

Vince is going to let the audience decide.
“Reach under your seats to decide on tonight’s funniest video.” – Bill

Booker – no.
Big Show – no.
“Kevin Federline?” – Me
Coach – Yes.
“Biggest pop you are ever going to get… enjoy it.” – Hernandez

So we can vote online or use our cellphones.
“They have the graphics all set-up… how cheap.” – Hernandez

Vince stumbles on the numbers for a bit – and that’s that.
“Vote B.. for Barry Darsow” – Hernandez
“Or Barry Horowitz.” – Me
“Or Colonel Kruschev.” – Hernandez
“I thought he was dead.” – Me
“Nah, he’s alive.” – Bill

COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15

Now it’s time for Nitro who is coming down with Melina… Melina is using her Sidekick, I assume to vote… or look at nudie pictures.

It’s triple-threat time… Nitro slides in…
“And sadly she still has her knees.” – Bill

‘Ain’t no stopping him now!’
JR: “The uber-talented Benjamin!”
“Awwwwwww JR learned a new word. GOOD FOR YOU JR! ” – Insider SpauldingsGhost
“It was amazing how long he went with out “the” in his vocabulary.” Insider Creature

And it’s cool to be cool! Here comes Carlito

NITRO vs. SHELTON vs. CARLITO
Same ol – still good…

“As a note – they said it was a triple threat…..” – Me
“Maybe Jeff’s hanging out…” – Me

Oh, he is. Jeff watching from the sidelines.

So Nitro and Shelty team-up on Carlito, kicking him in the corner. They throw Carlito to the ropes, he leaps onto the second rope and is CAUGHT and tossed out of the ring.

Shelton now beats down on Nitro. Throws him to the ropes – catches, but Nitro spins out into a legsweep – does the spinny legdrop. Goes for two, but Carlito runs in and starts to clothesline Nitro down – then dropkicks Shelton out!

He goes after Nitro – tossed to the corner. Shelton goes toprope, moonsault – lands on his feet as Nitro runs – and Shelton off the top!!!
“He’s like Nightcrawler!” – Bill

Shelton and Nitro duke it out – and that leaves Nitro on the mat – Shelton goes to the toprope and kicks Carlito from stopping him. He leaps and is dropkicked! Carlito runs in! Throws out Nitro, Backcracker on Shelty.. and … YESsssss!

WINNER: CARLITO

Jeff Hardy clapping outside.
“Thinking ‘YOur hair’s ok, but I like ya'” – Bill
“Jeff looks like he’s trying to work out that last balloon of drugs.” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:25

Todd Grisham in the back is talking with John Cena. He asks him if he’s worried about Sunday. You know.. for Shyber Shunday. Cena knows nothing about Shunday… he might have Capt. Crunch.. or drink Pabst Blue Ribbon..
“Proving he IS the low budget Stone Cold” – Me

So he refers to Federline’s album.. as… the bomb. Then overexplains the joke and we all grimace.

Cena is NOT worried about Shyber Shunday. It’s not about him.. it’s about the people.
“And the people are going to give him The Coach” – Bill

Cena wants to know who Grisham voted for. He saw Grisham texted…
“I was texting my girlfriend” – Grisham
“YOU LIKE DUDES!” – Cena

Ok… we’ll give him THAT homosexual joke, that was funny. Anyway, Cena continues to yell at Todd Grisham. Grish finally yells that he voted for King Booker, and he hopes Book wins it!

“I’m going to be the Frankenstein on PCP that walks down that isle and melt anything that comes in my path..” – Cena
*We all stare confused*
“He’s on PCP…” – Bill
“Oh.” – Hernandez & Me

So in the back Candice and Torrie are giggling like girls. Torrie goes further in the back to talk to Carlito.
“I’m divorced!” – Hernandez

So since Trish is gone… she was wonderin…
“Lane, now that you aren’t dating Beth anymore..” – Me

Carlito DOES need someone to talk to, so maybe he could take her out to dinner, and she could give him something nice… *ahem* he means ‘some advice’.
“Somewhere, Billy Kidman is having a fit.” – Hernandez
“How does Carlito get all the diva ass? Is it the hair?” – Insider CountDarkstar

Later – Maria versus Lita. I clap happily.
“This will be hot.. but ugly.” – Bill

COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:36

And herrrrre comes Mickie James, dressed to hang out.
“Those are just hanging off the top there, aren’t they?” – Hernandez
“They sure are!” – Me

So NO DQ or DIVA LUMBERJACKS or SUBMISSION MATCH for Shyber Shunday.
“No Fufill Your Fantasy?! I’m not sure if I”m happy or not…” – Me

Here comes Lita… strutting…

Here comes Maria – wearing half an outfit…. she wins… duh.
“I’m sorry to Jamie whenever he reads this…but Maria looks f*cking retarded.” Insider SpauldingsGhost
“Look, it’s not her fault someone tore her outfit in half… she’s so cute!” – Me

LITA vs. MARIA
“I need clean pants.” – Jeffrey

Bell rings… Maria runs up for the roll-up. Two. Goes for the inside cradle.. Two.

Lita hits Maria and gets two of her own. Backbreaker from Lita. Pin for two.
“Lita needs to do humiliation moves..” – Bill
“yeah..” – Jeffrey

Lita kicks Maria down in the corner. Throws her to the corner.

Throws Maria to the corner again, and Maria gets a leg up before the charge. Another one catches Lita in the tit. Maria grabs Lita and hits a solid bulldog!

She hops around happily!
Lita crawls into the corner and gets hit with a Bronco BUster – and then Lita goes for the pin, but her legs are on the rope.

Maria goes for the inverted DDT… reversed into the Lita High-End DDT… annnnnd that’s that.

WINNER: LITA

Awwwwwww…. so now Lita and Mickey argue on the outside.
“Get crazy Mickie..” – Bill
“You me and Betsy… we’re just gonna go craaazy” – Me
“So now we know, Mickie wins.” – Jeffrey

Next – Trips & Orton w/ Edge
“Did they photoshop that shirt onto him?” – Hernandez
“Yes” – Bill
“That’s Mick Foley’s body.” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:46

We get some Marine footage… I eat french fries and drink beer.

In the back – Big Show is fighting the cameraman… ewww..

In the ring…

YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME!

Now it’s Triple H time!

As a note – there is no commentary as we just found the bar’s stash of Playboys.. nope, I’m not kidding. We’re like f*cking fourteen year olds over here. Fourteen year olds with huge erections while pro-wrestling is on.

I have nothing else to say.

Triple H does his entire entrance speech, but Edge runs in to stop it – and he eats a Pedigree just cuz.
“I guess he wasn’t ready” – Hernandez

COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:55

So we’re back and there is a real ref in the ring – and I have to type, but the other two are still looking at breasts. I hate all of you.

“HEY!” – Me
“…” – Bill
“Bill they announced Randy Orton.” – Me
“So? We’re busy.” – Bill
“I wonder if Orton called “NO HOMO” before putting his new trunks on. They’re BEDAZZLING.” – Insider Witchy Mo

Match begins and they go punch for punch. Trips throws him to the ring. Orton ducks a clothesline, but gets kicked and set into the Pedi— rolls out to go beat on some tables.
“That was almost the Warrior match right there” – Hernandez

Trips grabs Orton and throws him to the ropes, then clotheslines him over the top.

Orton grabs Trips legs and pulls him to the outside. European Uppercut and clubbing blows to his back. Headslams Trips to the stairs. They fight outside the commentating tables, and Orton gets splayed over JR & Lawler.
“Damn that’s a good bounce…” – Bill (still not paying attention to the show)

They roll back in, and Orton begins beating down on Hunter. He picks him up and gets some uppercuts in the corner. Tosses Hunter to the corner – and goes for a slam, but Hunter reverses and chopblocks him.

Now Hunter wraps Orton’s leg around the cornerpost.

Back in the ring… more chopblocks. Hunter now works all over Orton’s leg. Stomps against the ropes. Elbows right on the knee.
“Hunter looks completely loaded tonight” – Me
“Looks like Scott Hall” – Hernandez

He goes to hit a figure four – even WOO’S – but he gets kicked out into the turnbuckle – and Orton hits the 3.0! (Thanks ‘Cast listener)
“So why isn’t Shawn here?” – Bill
“Vince said so.” – Hernandez
“It’s All-Saints Day” – Me
“So sayeth the shepard” – Hernandez

Orton now betas on Hunter for awhile… forgets he has a leg injury… hits the stepping kneedrop.
“Why did he bother hitting the ropes?” – Hernandez

Legdrop onto Trips. Chinlock spot now… Hunter fights out of it, but Orton hairpulls him down to the mat. Orton’s leg hurts again. Hunter pulls himself up and kicks Orton in the gut a few times. They now go fist to fist… yes.. fist to fist.

Orton gets the top of it – throws Hunter to the ropes, but eats the kneelift facebuster instead.

In runs Edge – and we’re all sortsa DQ.

WINNER via DQ: TRIPLE H

Now Ordge beats the hell out of Hunter. Edge runs in with a chair, while Orton (with no hurting leg) paces around Hunter.

As Edge gets back in Hunter now fights back, but Edge gets the chairshot ending that… EL KABONG! (Mark it off on your Rabble Bingo game)

SIGN OF THE NIGHT: “Randy please kill DX”

Orton sets up to RKO Hunter on the chair – but as he hits it.. Orton gets slamed onto the chair! Then Edge hits the spear! Hunter on the outside grabs the sledgehammer.. and he and Edge go chair to hammer! Trips wins.
“…Particle Man” – Me

Hunter then hits Orton.
“God he’s taking it ALL tonight” – Hernandez

And we head to commercial

COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:11

Umaga-Time…
“From the isle of Mepos!” – Hernandez
“We now be doing the Dance Of Joy!” – Me

UMAGA vs. EUGENE & HACKSAW
“They wouldn’t give them the first win over Umaga would they?” – Jeffrey
“No.” – Me
“Good.” – Jeffrey
“A handicapped match in the truest sense of the word” – Bill
“Eugene is so scared because he actually understands Umaga.” – Insider Creature

So Umaga punches Hacksaw a few times… stomachs down on him.

I blink. Umaga wins. I don’t feel as if the Rabble has lost anything by not paying attention.

WINNER: UMAGA

In the back Bischoff and Coach talk. Coach isn’t afraid of Cena… so the next person who walks through the door, he’s going to beat up.

Who is it?

RON SIMMONS!!!!!!

They go nose to nose, and Coach bails.
“Do it! DO IT!” – Hernandez
….
“DAMN!” – Ron Simmons

We pop.

COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:19

“WOO!” – Jeffrey
“WOOOOO!” – Bill
“WOOOOOOOO!” – Jeffrey
“WOO-HOO!” – Bill
“I said.. WOO!” – Ric
“We heard you the first three times.” – Jeffrey
“Good news – new pyro. Bad news – it’s set-up by ‘Woo’ frequencies” – Hernandez

Ric discusses him tagging up with a legend at Shyber Shunday.

He then pauses. “WOO!… again” – Ric

The people that he could tag with are the upper echolon. The elite. He now introduces…

Sgt. Slaughter!
“Former member of the Triangle of Terror! Say that!” – Hernandez
“SPIN!” – Me

The Hot Rod – Roddy Piper!
“Again, doing nothing on a Monday Night” – Hernandez

They hug..
“Aww they broke each other” – Hernandez
“Shouldn’t you be starring in a movie or something?” – Bill
“On a scale of 1 to 10 how coked up is Piper tonite?” – Insider Bob_Keane3443
“Not quite Jake Roberts…yet a little more then Ricky Morton.” – Insider SpauldingsGhost

Finally… Dusty Rhodes.. The American Dream!
“WHERE’S STHHhh’APHIRE” – Me

So they give Slaughter the mic and he bibbles on about Total Annihilation!
“GO JOE!” – Bill

Now ‘How much Rod can you take?’ – Flair said it..
“Making virgins bleed” – Hernandez

Roddy refuses to lose.
“And I’m not doing anything on Sunday nights either.” – Hernandez

He then proclaims that he has never won a world title, so make his day…

Now Dusty Rhodes!
“Who is that?” – The just arrived Dani
“Krang with a body” – Bill
“I promith I will wea’ yello & black” – Me
“Put him with Ric and it’s ‘Team Lisp’.. add in Masters and we’re done.” – Hernandez

And that’s.. umm… that?

COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:32

In the back – it’s Cryme Tyme!
“Who turned off the lights?” – Hernandez

So JT gives a shout out.
Shad starts talking while Shad is stealing the small screen behind Grisham’s head…

Ok, that was genius.

So here comes Cryme Time.. Shad has the video screen with him!
“It’s their manager” – Me
“If he was waist deep in water.. this would be…….” – Bill

They go and are now stealing the monitors from the table…. wow.
“See kids, as long as it’s funny, it’s not a crime!” – Insider CountDarkstar
“It’s the Homeboy Shopping Network 2k6 . . . Mo’ Money! Mo Money! Mo Money!” – Insider Bob_Keane3443

Here comes Viscera.
“Black on black violence?” – Bill
“Token match?” – Dani

VISCERA & HAAS vs. CRYME TYME
Puff puff givvvvvve! Charlie’s screwin the rotation
“One of these things is not like the other… one of these things just don’t belong” – Bill

Ok – they didn’t STEAL the monitors… they rehooked it. I’m not going to explain this any further.

Match begins. Kay, moving on.

Haas throws JT into the corner – kicks to the gut a few times and a few shoulderchecks screaming ‘That’s How We Roll’
“Shoulder deep in white man?” – Hernandez
“There just taking ‘That’s How We Roll’ back from Christian” – Me

JT gets reversed into the corner – Haas charges in and a double underhook suplex. Tag to Viscera.

Haas hits the drop toe hold and gets splashed.
“Viscera looks like a white dwarf star!” – Hernandez

He slams down JT.
“When he starts sweating, we’re going to see through that thing!” – Hernandez

Bearhug.
“HIS NECK SMELLS LIKE HOT DOGGGGSSSS!” – Me

JT tries to punch his way out of it.. only to get smashed into the corner. Shad tries to run in, but Viscera goes to splash JT. JT rolls out and Haas comes in to beat down JT some more. Belly to back and Shad lands on his feet – stumbles into Shad!

FULL PRESS SLAM TO HAAS! BOOMMMMMM!

Tag to Viscera and he shoulder checks him. BIG BOOT TO VISCERA! Double clothesline – and Haas throws out JT. He catches Haas on the ropes and in both members of Cryme Tyme run to hit Haas with the Samoan Neckbreaker – and that’s that. Quick ending!

WINNER: CRYME TYME!

Cryme Tyme watches replay on the rigged-up monitor while wearing Lawler’s crown… and apparently stole his wallet. We still like Cryme Tyme.

COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:45

In the back – Grisham catches up with Triple H. Grisham wants to know if Trips is worried about who the special ref is.

Hunter doesn’t care.
“Have you noticed wrestlers used to worry? Now wrestlers never worry about anything.” – Me

Also Booker and Show decide Coach should fight Cena.

COMMERCIAL TEN – 10:51

HERE COMES KINNNNG BOOOKAHHHHH… she is thankfully not saying it though.

Also – it’s the Big Show!

And here comes Coach – wearing sweats that say his name on the butt.

Grisham is now going to tell us who won the vote. Who won?
“CRASH HOLLY!” – Hernandez
“TITO SANTANA!” – Me
“EDDIE GUERRERO!” – Hernandez
“CORPORAL KIRSCHNER” – Me
“BARRY HOLE IN ONE DARSAW!” – Hernandez

Coach – at 75%

JOHN CENA vs. COACH
Awww.. Coach is saaad…

So Coach goes running up to the top of the key.
“He’s got him by the ear!” – Hernandez
“Nice shot Holyfield!” – Me

So as Cena goes down to the ring… Big Show clotheslines him down. Booker throws him to the stairs.. and it’s the pre-PPV clusterf*ck.

So the bell rings as Cena’s in the ring – and Coach goes for the pin and gets two.

Coach seems a touch upset about this.
“RUN!” – Jeffrey

Coach punches Cena.
“OW! My arm, says Coach” – Bill

Coach chokes Cena out in the middle of the ring. Coach throws Cena corner to corner and calls spot to spot. He chops Cena and Cena.. in turn.. says no.

John takes him down and beats him in the face. Throws him to the corner. Charges him with a big elbow. Gives him the ten hits. Blue Devil. You Can’t Do That!
“Invisibility!” – Jeffrey
“It’s called OBFUSCATE!” – Me

STFU… Tap… Done.

WINNER: JOHN CENA

Booker T & Show have been on the mic the whole time and it seems Books has completely dropped King character for this.

So the show comes to a close with all three men holding their titles, with Cena in the ring.

What did the Rabble think?
“Meh.” – Jeffrey
“Pretty impressive build-up for Shyber Shunday” – Bill
“That’s some good honey mustard…” – Hernandez

And I say, hey, we were distracted by porn midway through the show, and we really missed very little.

Thanks again – we’ll see you all next week.. maybe on Shyber Shunday.. we’ve yet to decide. And if you too want to be an Insider and possibly appear on the Rabble – head over to the Inside Pulse Forums and join us at the Monday Night Rabble thread every Monday night!

G’night!

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