Cryme Tyme vs. Charlie Hass & Viscera vs. Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs. The Highlanders
(Fan’s Choose the match: Texas Tornado, Fatal 4-Way or Tag Team Turmoil)
PK: No question who the winners will be.
Fan’s Choice – Texas Tornado
Winners – Cryme Tyme
Eric Szulczewski: Are any of these guys holding the Raw tag titles right now? No? Is this at least a Number One Contenders’ Match? No? Can we assume that it’s going to be one de facto? Guess so, and I finally get to end a sentence with something other than a question mark, or do I? In any case, the winner’s obvious, the match less so. We can just kick back and watch the fun as they rip off Animal House’s Scary Black Guys versus Frat Boys scenes.
Fan’s Choice – Tag Team Turmoil
Winners – Cryme Time
Tom Pandich: Cryme Tyme’s getting the push, they win. The match really doesn’t matter.
Fan’s Choice – Fatal 4-Way
Winner – Cryme Tyme
Iain Burnside: This is just like looking at the album charts and trying to figure out why I should even begin to contemplate caring about any of the people on it. Snow Patrol? The sound of beige. The Killers? Ring-a-ding-ding, it’s one step up from their lyrics. Who else is there? Oh, like I can be arsed to actually check. I just hope the radio starts playing something vaguely decent soon or I’ll be brain-dead by the time I’ve gone through this Cyber Sunday card.
Fan’s Choice – Texas Tornado
Winners – Cryme Tyme
Vinny Truncellito: Whatever. I have no idea why anyone would feel compelled to vote in any fashion about this match whatsoever.
Fan’s Choice – Texas Tornado
Winner – Cryme Tyme “steals” another victory
Umaga vs. ????
(Fan’s Choose who Umaga’s will face: The Sandman, Kane or Chris Benoit)
PK: Umaga has been on a tear since his arrival, and no matter who he faces, he will win.
Fan’s Choice – Kane
Winner – Umaga
Eric Szulczewski: And here’s your Hobson’s Choice. If the fan voting is real, and I’ve expressed my doubts about this since the first Taboo Tuesday and nothing’s changed my mind in the two years since, and it’s Kane, then the fans are marks. If it’s Sandman, they’re fanboys. If it’s Benoit, the voting’s real, and the fans have a great deal more taste than I would suppose. However, the voting’s not real, Kane needs some time away to clear his head, and the fans truly are imbeciles.
Fan’s Choice – Kane
Winner – Jamalga
Tom Pandich: Kane’s the obvious choice here even though it makes the most sense for Umaga to squash the Sandman. Anywho, Umaga is going over whoever he faces except maybe Chris Benoit. Thankfully, his post injury push won’t be squandered here.
Fan’s Choice – Kane
Winner – Umaga
Iain Burnside: I’m glad I don’t need to piss. I wouldn’t want to disturb the big fly in the bathroom. I was in there earlier and turned the light on and the guy freaked out, started buzzing around all over the place, up and down, side to side, round about, the radio still sucks, and pissed me off till I whacked him with the bottle of shaving foam. Then he went and hid in the shower curtain. We had words and he saw the light and currently resides on the window. We’re cool. It’s a Fox sitcom in the making. My Fly & I. Complete with ready-made catchphrase of “Hello! My Fly!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I’ll call him Drummond.
Fan’s Choice – Chris Benoit
Winner – Umaga
Vinny Truncellito: If the fans vote Kane in, he’ll have to lose AGAIN to Umaga. He’s not ending the streak just so he can run back to Friday nights. Sandman would be a good choice, because he can afford the loss without tarnishing his
Fan’s Choice – The Sandman
Winner – Umaga
Lita vs. Mickie James – WWE Woman’s Title Tournament Finals
(Fan’s Choose the match type: Submission Match, No DQ or LumberJill Match)
PK: This whole tournament has been a shame. There is no one left to help Mickie carry the Woman’s Division. However, I’d say Lita takes this one, win’s the title again, only to finally lose it to Mickie in a few weeks.
Fan’s Choice – No DQ
Winner – Lita
Eric Szulczewski: So long, Amy, and thanks for all the fish tacos.
Fan’s Choice – No DQ
Winner – MickieLexis LaJames
Tom Pandich: Ahahahahahaha. I would love to see a submission match just for the sheer hilarity value of it. It’ll be No-DQ though because as much as the fans love oogling women, they hate Lita that much more. Mickie goes over.
Fan’s Choice – No DQ
Winner – Mickie James
Iain Burnside: We all know they should have a submission match, since Lita should eat her own kneecap whilst removing Mickie James’ epidermis, but the plebians will deny you that viewing pleasure by trying to cram as much wank fodder onscreen as possible. Oooh, Van Morrison…
Fan’s Choice – LumberJill Match
Winner – Mickie James
Vinny Truncellito: LumberJill is the one that forces MORE eye candy to ringside, so I assume the fans will vote it in as the stip.
Fan’s Choice – LumberJill match
Winner – Mickie James
Spirit Squad (c) vs. Ric Flair & ???? – World Tag Team Titles
(Fan’s Choose Flair’s Partner: Dusty Rhodes, Sgt. Slaughter, or Roddy Piper)
PK: This is clear as day. Flair and whoever wins the titles, loses them to Edge & Orton (remember the whole ‘Legend Killer’ thing), then DX gets a few shots in, only to help Cryme Tyme (or The Highlanders….ok, who am I kidding) win the straps from Edge & Orton. How is that not so obvious.
Fan’s Choice – Roddy Piper
Winners – Flair & Piper
Eric Szulczewski: Oh, how I want it to be FatDust sooooo bad. For us old-timers, it’d be like the wrestling equivalent of the Nazi-Soviet Pact. The problem here is in the booking. They could get really creative. If it’s FatDust, then he and Flair can screw around during the match and start a king-hell feud that Ross can sell to the hilt as being Twenty Years Of Bad Blood (and let me assure you youngsters whose balls haven’t dropped yet that if you thought the promos in the Flair/Foley feud were something, wait until you get Flair and Dusty going against each other; all we need to complete the wallow in nostalgia is a Crockett with bad facial hair holding the mic). This would allow the SS to drop the straps to Cryme Time and start their prolonged break-up that will propel My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane into immediate IC title contention. But this would imply that “creative” actually has their heads out of their asses, and with Steph coming back full-time after Cyber Sunday, they’re in a rush to dilate their anuses in preparation for re-entry. And if the voting is real (repress guffaws), that makes the conclusion obvious.
Fan’s Choice – Roddy Piper
Winners – Flair and Piper by DQ; SS retain the titles
Tom Pandich: Hmmm. Well it’ll be Dusty as the partner. That’s obvious. The question becomes do they take the belts off the Spirit Squad tonight or at the next PPV with Cryme Tyme. My guess is they lose the belts here to hot shot them back to the Spirit Squad the next night on Raw.
Fan’s Choice – Mayonnaise Tits
Winner – Flair and Mayonnaise Tits
Iain Burnside: Tubby, Tubby or Tubby? I pick… JUDGE DREDD. Or perhaps the almighty spectacle that is LIAM NEESON. Well, how about TREY PARKER? No? CAPITAL LETTERS? william shatner question mark space space new sentence La-dee-da, I need more vodka… fireworks, man… they’re in the sky… it’s coming on strong, no where to run to, no Jenny to hide… snakes over ladders, dogs penetrating cats, mould with fresh, tunes without whistles and lights over sights… Why, yes, I do believe this is the past. I’ll stay here. Carry on!
Fan’s Choice – Roddy Piper
Winners – Ric & Rod
Vinny Truncellito: I think they’re trying to sway the fans toward Dusty, but Piper got quite the pop Monday night. Tough choice the fans. I expect this to be a loss for the Squad, and the final straw that breaks the team up.
Fan’s Choice – Dusty Rhodes
Winner – Flair and Partner
Jeff Hardy (c) vs. ???? – WWE Intercontinental Title
(Fan’s Choose who Hardy will face: Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, or Johnny Nitro)
PK: How awesome would it be if the fans select Shelton? We all know it won’t happen.
Fan’s Choice – Carlito
Winner – Jeff Hardy
Eric Szulczewski: Again, this hinges on whether or not the voting is real. It also hinges on whether or not they’ve figured out something for Benjy to do that actually works. Here’s the match where they obfuscate the issue and convince the more stupid among the IWC that the voting is, indeed, real. And that includes fellow columnists here.
Fan’s Choice – Carly Colon
Winner – Jeffykins
Tom Pandich: Crap. Shelton/Hardy would be the best match, but it’ll be Carlycakes who gets in here. Hardy will stay champ unless he faces Shelton. Shelton won’t so Hardy’ll go over.
Fan’s Choice – Carlito
Winner – Hardy
Iain Burnside: I knew a Hardy once. It was all stretching and thrusting. Then it suddenly relaxed and nobody would talk to me again. DEAD FISH. THE MAN GAVE HIS BROTHER A DEAD FISH. WHAT. THE. SMEG. Actually, all four of these people make me ashamed to have a penis. Not like Vito. Take that however you want to. Like Blondie! Mmm… hmm.
Fan’s Choice – Carlito
Winner – Jeff Hardy
Vinny Truncellito: Carlito is the fan favorite in this group, and he and Hardy could have a good match, possibly kicking off a nice little series for the two of them.
Fan’s Choice – Carlito
Winner – Jeff Hardy
DeGeneration X vs. Randy Orton & Edge
(Fan’s Choose who will be the guest ref: Eric Bischoff, Jonathan Coachman, or Mr. McMahon)
PK: All I hope is that Bischoff is the one that is selected.
Fan’s Choice – Bischoff
Winners – Edge & Orton
Eric Szulczewski: The hard sell here has been for Bisch, and good for WWE for doing that (I’m not entirely negative, despite the impressions of some retards over in the Den Of Smelly Proles). I think it’ll go that way, and, please, let it be the start of something interesting. DX 3.0 hasn’t worn out their welcome yet, and the presence of Bisch with them opens up certain avenues that can be exploited with a little care, consideration, and thought (think anti-McMahon alliance). Considering that the Bitch of the Baskervilles is back from post-partum and this angle involves her sperm donor/personal beer pitchman and will also involve her father, it will receive said care, consideration, and thought. Oh, Randy and Edge are involved in this one too? Who’s going to care? We don’t.
Fan’s Choice – Eric Bischoff
Winners – Shawn ‘n Trip
Tom Pandich: This needs to be a rather long feud simply because no heels really are on the level of DX besides Edge, Orton, and the McMahons. Eric will ref and perhaps even start a new NWOish faction with Edge and Orton. Anywho, the heels need to go over.
Fan’s Choice – Eric Bischoff
Winner – Randy and Adam
Iain Burnside: Oh, they can vote in Mr. McMahon but it will be a SWERVE and turn out to be Shane McMahon and then he will be ruled out because Johnathan Coachman will have secretly married Aurora after drugging her and he will be the new Mr. McMahon after changing the wrong name on account of his stupidity and then he will tear off his face mask and it will be Kevin Nash and they will reform the nWo and then Kev will tear his eyelid by blinking and cry away home to Jeff Jarrett’s studly bosom and we will be left with…
Fan’s Choice – Eric Bischoff
Winners – DX
Vinny Truncellito: Bischoff is the most interesting option, so let’s hope the fans chose something worth watching, rather than round 37 of the McMahon vs. DX feud. Bischoff’s been making a lot of noise in his book hawking lately about how DX is nothing more than a very good nWo knock off, so maybe he’ll have something special for us, if voted in as referee.
Fan’s Choice – Eric Bischoff
Winner – Orton and Edge
John Cena vs. King Booker vs. Big Show
(Fan’s Choose what Championship will be on the line: Cena’s WWE Title, Booker’s World Heavywieght Title, or Big Show’s ECW Title)
PK: If the person who is defending the title wins the match, I’ll be convinced that the whole thing is rigged.
Fan’s Choice – WWE Title
Winner – John Cena
Eric Szulczewski: It’s been well-publicized (not the least by JJ here) that TBS will drop his title to Test…hold it here. I predicted that very happenstance during Van Dam’s drug bust period or just after ECW started up again. I can’t be bothered to check my archives, but do a search here for the phrase “ECW Heavyweight Champion Test” and you’ll find it. Now, with a hearty “Kneel Before Zod!”, I return you to the regularly scheduled prediction. So, TBS’s title won’t be up for grabs, and they won’t job Cena while his piece of shit movie is still making some money. Plus, with Survivor Series around the corner, they can set things back to the status quo ante without any undue trauma and with a set-up so obvious that even “creative” can pull the trigger on it without screwing it up. Therefore…
Fan’s Choice – World Heavyweight Title
Winner – John Cena
Tom Pandich: The smart money is on Booker’s title being up for grabs and him going over. Something tells me though that there’ll be some sort of screwjob by King Bookah that places Cena in the crossfire. Either way, Big Show is taking the loss here to set up a Smackdown vs Raw match at Survivor Series.
Fan’s Choice – John Cena (World Heavyweight Championship)
Winner – John Cena
Iain Burnside: What a wonderful main event. What a tremendous pay-per-view. I will seriously consider purchasing this event and/or televisual programme. Oh, f*ck, the Killers on the radio… I tempted fate and it took the bait I had out on loan… Shit. Well, kids, just remember that once we had a proper champion with a championship that was credible enough to be genuine. Now, we have this. Cry until you stop watching.
Fan’s Choice – WWE Championship
Winner – John Cena
Vinny Truncellito: Not sure I get this one. Do the fans WANT their favorite champ’s title to be on the line, or are they savvy enough to “protect” their favorite by voting somebody else’s title to be defended? I’d say the fan favorite in this match is Cena, so the fans will vote King Booker’s title on the line, but WWE isn’t about to unify squat right now, so we wind up with some sort of cheap DQ, count-out, or locker room-clearing schmozz.
Fan’s Choice – World Heavyweight Title
Winner – Non-decisive (DQ, count-out, et cetera)
