Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 11.08.06

Okay, I’m back and moved now, so I have a little necessary privacy to do this stuff. Time, on the other hand, is a precious commodity. Not only is work nailing me, but I’ve just switched boot drives and am in the process of reinstalling everything (it’s actually easier that way). In fact, I told Fingers that I was going to pull a one-day delay on this one in order to take this column back to the old days and actually include some good non-wrestling, partisan political material.

Dammit, I can’t sleep. I’m too stressed out from this damn job. Work all night, and then have people call me to bitch and moan at all hours of the day. I couldn’t even get enough rest this weekend to watch the Tour Championship, thus sending me into a spiral wondering about what I’m going to do without two months of actual, competitive golf ahead of me. Fortunately, combined with everything else, suicide is an option.

(Leading into that, Memo To KC Evers (no relation): I could be asleep at that time. Check with me on Sunday.)

So, here I go, spinning around the world to bring you the best writing possible when one has zero energy or ability to concentrate on the subject at hand…


Warning: severe gloating ahead. You Republicans should avert your eyes. It’ll just make it easier to put you in the concentration camps you belong in.

Oh, not again…well, after the messes in 2000 and 2004, it’s only to be expected. It all came down to Virginia, and at about 9PM Central on Wednesday night, the AP declared Jim Webb the winner The Cradle of Presidents had the fate of the Republic in their hands, and they came through, barely. The two major mistakes of 2000 and 2004 can somewhat be rectified now. Despite Dubbaya’s brave face at his (de)press conference, let’s see how he likes dealing with Majority Leader Reid and Speaker Pelosi. I think he’d rather have Laura rip out his pubic hairs one by one while reading to him from “My Pet Goat”.

Oh, I’ve been waiting for this day since that nighmarish December morning in 2000. I want to see the Junta suffer. If you thought the Demos were obnoxious now, all you right-wing freaks, just wait. These next two years are going to be horrible for you. They’re going to do just enough to stop Dubbaya without causing charges of “gridlock” (which is what the GOP is going to claim anyway in 2008). No, there won’t be ideologically-motivated gridlock. The Demos know better than to poison the well for Hitlary.

And it now definitely will be Hitlary in the driver’s seat for 2008. She got enough of a margin in Noo Yawk to claim mass popularity and get a lot of momentum moving in. It’s just a matter of filling in the final spot on the card. The obvious name to fill in is “Barack Obama”. Now, he doesn’t have to run for the Senate again until 2010, and he’s already acknowledged by all power structures as fitting for the top job. Would he want to trade off actual power in the Senate and actual popularity for John Nance Garner’s “warm bucket of piss”, though? I think he would. He’s a South Side guy. He knows that the risk is worth the reward. He’s telegenic, well-spoken, and the opportunity for history is something that’s always in his mind. It’s the same thing that prompted Independent Senator Joe Lieberman to go for the second-to-the-top. So, yeah, Hitlary-Obama in 2008. That’ll guarantee eight years of peace, prosperity, and the Religious Reich in the margins where they belong. Now we only have to work on outlawing the Republican Party and putting all registered Republicans in concentration camps where they belong. New Mexico or Nevada, maybe?

It was a good day all around. It was unfortunate that same-sex marriage bans passed in numerous states (damn you, Wisconsin, I thought you were better than this), but stem-cell research was approved in Missouri and was the deciding factor in a very close Senate race there (and proved that Michael J. Fox was more powerful than NFL stars). Rick Santorum proved that a one-issue candidate is toast when you take away the issue (but, please, Demos, let’s not make choosing anti-choice candidates a habit, just when it’s necessary). The abominable Mike DeWine is out of a job. Jim Ryun finally lost a race, so, surprise, surprise, Kansas actually felt that someone was too right-wing. Rod the Mod kept the governor’s chair here in Illinois, and Demos virtually swept the statewide offices. Indiana gave a whole passel of House seats to Democrats. And 2000 and 2004 got some revenge with Katherine Harris and Ken Blackwell, the people who stole elections for the Junta, going down in serious flames. There was lots to celebrate.

But there was a great deal to be troubled about as well. Mississippi showed why it has the lowest educational standards in the nation by giving Trent Lott 70% of the vote. Here in the Chicagoland area, the unwarranted, vicious, outright-lying attack ads of Scumbag Peter Roskam gave him a 4000-vote victory over well-spoken, intelligent Iraq veteran Tammy Duckworth, thus proving that you can bring DuPage County voters to the polls, but you can’t make them vote Democrat (that being said, Melissa Bean was able to overcome the equally vicious and even more lying ads of Peter McSleazy…McSweeney to win reelection to the House). Well, Duckworth was running for Henry Hyde’s old seat, and even Roskam’s an improvement over that old flaming bag of shit. We weren’t able to get those close victories in a number of House races in Noo Yawk that would have helped the overall majority. And just to show you that I can be bipartisan, Heath Shuler is now a member of the House of Representatives. Can’t we get a better quarterback in the House? Of course, we’d have to find another one who’s a Democrat, and that’s a problem these days.

Of course, the best news of all was that the election was the main catalyst for Donald Rumsfeld to finally get out as SecDef (no matter what anyone said). Of course, the Junta made it worse by nominating Robert Gates for that position. Here’s the difference between them: Rumsfeld was like your old uncle who always has too much to drink at family functions and ends the night by pissing his pants and trying to do the Electric Slide. Gates is like your outright f*cking scary cousin who has too many tattoos and just got out of the joint for doing something that he’s not willing to talk about. It’s not him being the head of the CIA under Bush Senior that I’m worried about here. It’s the fact that he was DDCI under Bill Casey during the Senile Old Fuck’s regime. He was Casey’s willing accomplice for some of the most egregious acts the CIA ever committed, ones that were against American law. He is not the person I want in charge of the US military, period, especially given the fact that his old target Daniel Ortega is now back in power in Nicaragua. He’s power-hungry in a crazily maniacal way, but he’s subtle about it.

Maybe it’s a trap. If there’s someone who has the power, ability, and connections to take the Junta down, it’s Robert Gates. Dubbaya is too dumb to know this. His dad isn’t, but his appointment of Gates as DCI was a case of cooption. For Dubbaya, it’s just another appointment of some guy who worked for his dad (see Rumsfeld, Cheney, Powell, etc.). Gates can take him down, pure and simple, should he desire. He’s J. Edgar Hoover without the transvestism. Iraq will be almost like a fiefdom to him, the first real chance he’s had to exercise raw, naked power on this scale (and considering he headed the CIA, that’s really saying something). Trust me, the next two years will get a lot worse over there with Gates in charge of the show. After all, it was his think tank that helped get us into this mess in the first place.

Of course, the Democrats are now in a position to stop him, and that’s pretty much the only way that anyone will. The 110th Congress is going to be the best show in the US over the next two years. And I, for one, am going to watch and laugh my ass off as the true impotence of the Junta is finally exposed for what it is. I will then look back on everything that I’ve written since December 2000, all the warnings I gave you, all the alerts that you ignored or dismissed as partisan knee-jerking, tell you “I told you so”, and then laugh, laugh, laugh at your outright stupidity.

And speaking of stupidity, let’s get on to wrestling…


And let’s talk about Torchwood for a second. We won’t be covering Torchwood on the site. When I brought the matter up to Murtz, he was pretty cold on the proposition, preferring to concentrate our SF efforts on Battlestar Galactica instead. This is understandable. After all, Galactica is made in Canada and its primary broadcast outlet is a North American network. Therefore, there’s serious potential from his standpoint for kissing ass big-time. His lips can’t stretch as far as Cardiff.

This is not, by the way, a deprecation or insult. Ass-kissing is the adenosine triphosphate of the entertainment business. It’s both a form of social interaction and common currency. It’s the best way for someone outside the circle to get themselves noticed by the people on the inside. Just ask Harry Knowles. Murtz is pretty close to getting on the inside as it is, so he just needs a bit more pucker to break through. Thus, he sees Galactica as being less effort with greater reward.

By the way, that does happen to be the reason. He’s going to try to rationalize something different and try to spin it that way. Let me just preempt the centripedal acceleration with a stick through the spokes by shooting down the rest of his arguments:

It’s just another “aliens on Earth” show: Then why did we cover Threshold, including the DVD release?

Threshold had a Star Trek pedigree, and we cover shows that have that pedigree, like Galactica and The 4400: And what show did Torchwood spin off from? The only SF series that is as or more important than Trek. And it’s a direct spinoff to boot.

The show’s loaded with bisexuals who say “f*ck” and “shit” lot: We’ve covered Deadwood on this site, you know.

It doesn’t have enough cult heft: A spinoff of Doctor Who created by the same man who created Queer As Folk doesn’t have cult heft? Are you insane?

It hasn’t been broadcast in North America yet: That’s why Misha was going to do the reviews with me. He lives in the area where it is broadcast. That way, we can all keep the illusion that you have your head in the sand regarding BitTorrent, thus not offending any of the people whose asses you’re trying to kiss.

So, this is just Murtz preferring to focus his ass-kissing on where he can derive the most benefit from it. It does him no good to make nice-nice with Russell Davies and Julie Gardner (although it would do ME a great deal of good to make nice-nice with them). And maybe that’s the best thing, really. Anything related to Doctor Who has a long tradition of taking ass-kissing beyond normal levels. I won’t go into it, but let’s just say that there are stories about previous creative teams on that show that make the Randy Orton gym bag stories look tame. And, no, I won’t tell you in e-mail either.

Too bad, really. All of you NAers who can’t operate a BitTorrent client are going to miss a nice preview of what’s going to be a great show. If Sci-Lie decides to broadcast it, that is. It’ll probably end up on Showtime due to its language and adult situations…no, I will not go into another diatribe about how America is unhealthily sexually repressed. I just did one a couple of weeks ago. Just consult that one again, and you’ll get the gist of what I could put in here. But, hey, I can’t go against the zone editors here. Just keep covering shit reality shows and the popular network dreck like you’ve been. And you wonder why I don’t pimp anyone in there.

Now, as to the PPV in question…honestly, I didn’t really pay attention to it. I didn’t have it downloaded until Tuesday morning after trying to get my wireless networking to function in a proper fashion (up to the point of getting a new router). In fact, screw it. I don’t have time to cover it fully and still get this thing in while it’s still this week. There were enough acts of First-Degree Booking involved in this show to make everyone shake their heads and start muttering, “Oh, yeah, Steph’s back.” The tag title switch was the ultimate in that bit of non-thought. If the purpose is to get the straps over to Cryme Time (strike while the iron’s hot), then putting them up against the world’s two toughest fifty-something white guys is not the way to do it, especially given the fact that Cryme Time are getting over as faces (something they half-acknowledged on Raw by having them steal Benjy’s bling).

Let’s face facts: Cyber Sunday is the second-most-useless PPV on the calendar. No Way Out will always be the most useless, but this one comes close. The “fan-voting” aspect is still a complete fake; they’re going to do what they want to regardless of whether or not the fans’ decisions stand. And I don’t think I’ve seen this point brought up by anyone else in the two years since they’ve started this mess: how in the hell do they book the matches if the fan voting is real? How do they book future angles? Even seat-of-the-pants booking requires some slight pre-planning in order to work. Honestly, if the fan voting was real and they had to abide by its decision, would Shelton Benjamin have held the IC strap for as long as he did after Taboo Tuesday 2004? Get a clue.

Why bother even writing more about this? It’s now officially Old News, and I don’t cover Old News. Let me cover the new stuff instead…


1bullshit Junior is saying that Claudio Castagnoli has signed his WWE developmental deal. Good move. Claudio’s got the look and the skills to get promoted to the full-time roster pretty quickly. I was rather impressed by him when I watched him go up against Joe at a live ROH show. He was able to keep up with Joe, sell everything that Joe could give him, and get in some decent offense. He’d be a decent fit.

Depending on how he’s handled, of course. I expect them to blow it totally. How will they do that? I have this feeling they’ll try a name change. Ask Brent Albright how that worked out. If not that, then they’ll try a geographic shift. His Swiss persona won’t cut it with WWE. If not that, then an ill-advised tag team ala Trevor Murdoch. Why do I see Claudio heading to ECW to tag with Rene Dupree? It wouldn’t be a bad team, but they’d be stuck with some lame-ass gimmick and head right into the comedy bin…actually, that might not be a bad idea. They’ve been having some middling success with comedy teams lately. The Highlanders got over a bit, and Cryme Time’s going strong. You know, let’s go with that for now as the best of all possible bad options. You know it’ll never get into their heads about trying to get this guy over on his decent looks and talent. He’s not a musclebound freak like Lashley or Masters pre-Wellness Program, so they won’t know what to do with him.

Claudio, my advice is to save the money and enjoy your time in OVW or DSW. Once you reach the big roster, it’s going to be midcard hell.


One advantage to being late on this is that all of the tapings are in, so I can destroy your lives in the process. I do take enjoyment in that, you know. So, what’s happening on Friday night?

We get the obvious Benoit/Chavito match for Survivor Series. Add a stip, and it’s Match of the Night, no doubt.

Booker and DAVE get to continue their collision course by taking on each others’ surrogates, namely Finlay and Lashley respectively. Hold it, didn’t Finlay break away from the King’s Court, or was that my imagination? Well, they need to do something with Taylor out for the next couple of months, so a little retcon is the easiest path, I guess.

UT and FudgePacker will have another match against each other at Survivor Series. The only way this is going to be remotely interesting to me is if it’s Buried Alive, and then only if UT wins and no one digs out FudgePacker. Look, the guy sucks as a wrestler, and you stupid idiots mark out for him because he’s able to say his name. I said it months ago: FudgePacker has the potential to be the white Flex, and I mean that in the most insulting, negative way that I can. If you’re a fan of his, you’re hopeless and need to be euthanized, and I’d happily be there with the needle.

A philosophical question gets answered: can Jimmy Yang’s presence actually redeem a match that also features Mattsy-poo, Novocaine Helms, and Grenier? The answer’s probably going to be a resounding “no”.

Boogeyman/Mizanin at SurSer? At least give them credit for packing as much shit as possible into as compact a space as possible in order to leave the rest of the field clean. It’s the compost heap on the farm of wrestling PPVs.

And this is as good a place to talk about another SurSer match. Four angles are compressed into one courtesy of a good old-fashioned Survivor Series match. Shawn ‘n Trip, the Hardly Men, and CM Fuckin’ Punk are on one side, while Edge/Orton (I refuse to use the portmanteau that’s been floating around here out of the fact that anyone who does use it sound like they have a room-temperature IQ), Johnny Nitro, Novocaine Helms, and Mike Knox are your designated heels. That’s two angles from Raw, one from Smackdown, and one from ECW, in case you were counting or, for that matter, cared. Now this is a good way to handle these types of situations. It’ll be an interesting combination of Angle Advancement (in the case of the guys who are getting paid a lot) and Angle Blow-Off (in the last three cases). It also provides the attraction for the sub-moronic of a reunion of Jeffykins and Mattsy-poo, which may or may not be permanent depending on whether or not Jeffykins received sufficient length on his contractually-obligated secondary title run (can you think of any other reason he got the IC strap?). And, hey, Punk just about redeems the whole thing by his presence. So, it’s acceptable. It’s at least one of two SurSer Matches on the card, though. I can’t imagine them not pulling the trigger on the Spirit Squad having a SurSer Match with…oh, whoever. Expect something to develop along those lines. My personal favorite idea at this point is SS versus ECW Originals, Survivor Series Extreme Rules Match. That way, I’ll enjoy watching the piss get beat out of them. Except for My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, of course. Only I’m allowed to use a Singapore cane on him.

And we’ve got another couple of shows to consider while we’re at it…


Jesus, we’re still getting stuff from Woj-suck? Why? Haven’t I said that it would be better if we just ripped off 1bullshit Junior on this one? Their remora Trionfo is actually better. Of course, that’s like saying that plague is better than Ebola, but it’s still an upgrade. What part of “My word is law” doesn’t Fingers understand? Oh, well, he’s not the only one who doesn’t listen to me in this world. All of you out there can join him. And you wonder why I’m a misanthrope.

Yes, Sting’s first title defense will be against Abyss, who wins the mini-tournament on Impact by beating A. J. for the opportunity. Now that other possibility would have been interesting from a clinical point of view, or at the very least an intellectual exercise. A. J. versus Sting? It’d have to be a “respect” match, but the match itself would have been the attraction, not the angle. But Abyss has to get his shot, and then it’ll be Christian’s turn, and…you don’t think they’ll actually give the title to Abyss, will you? I mean, he deserves a title run for services rendered, and he’s been screwed out of a run before, and…what’s his contract situation like? Anyone know? I think he signed an extension last year, but I don’t remember. But Abyss/Joe would be in many ways a better title match than the stylistic misfit of Christian/Joe, that’s for certain.

Johnny Devine becomes the victim of a Canadian Destroyer. That seems very, very wrong in a number of ways. Come back, Team Canada, we miss you!

AMW officially turns face, just in time for the primetime debut of Impact. To achieve universal balance, the Naturals officially turn heel, thus completing the two most obvious, ham-fisted turns that have been on tap lately. Did they have to do it in the same show? And you thought Jarrett winning the title just before the Spike premiere was cynical.

In the tradition of Virgil/Vincent, yet another set of people have altered their names in order to insult the competition. This time, it’s the New Age Outlaws, who’ve become the Voodoo Kin Mafia (if you don’t get it, look at the initials). This accompanies an anti-WWE/anti-DX promo. Oh, who’s responsible for this? Russo’s said to be a calmer, more reflective person who supposedly has a lot of remorse over how things went down with Vince seven years ago (and patched up during his abortive return to Stamford a couple years ago). This sounds like the impetus is coming from Road Hogg and Billy Bitchcakes. Proof positive, if any more is needed, that ideas that sound funny when you’re high on pot really aren’t funny to people who aren’t. Apparently they couldn’t come up with something for K and M that goes along with “vaginal”.

We have another new X Division champion, and from his identity it’s pretty damn obvious that they’ve come to the conclusion that the X Division can’t survive without certain people being in it at the top. In retrospect, Low Ki’s do-nothing reign with the title is going to seem like a breath of fresh air.

Rhiyno and Christian blow off their feud in a barbed-wire steel cage. I can accept that. Nice bit of bloodshed for the prime-time viewers. Cool.

And, of course, Kurt Angle wrestles. That’s the whole attraction of the prime-time premiere, which shows you how low on the food chain TNA actually is.

Enough bitterness about what’s to come. Let’s get bitter about what’s already been broadcast…


Match Results:

Jeffykins over Johnny Nitro (DQ, Melina-ference); Johnny Nitro over Jeffykins (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Belt Shot, New Intercontinental Champion), Intercontinental Title Match and No-DQ Continuation: Well, the destination was worth it. Who cares how the trip went? The strap’s off of the disgusting bastard. Now let him go into his SurSer match, the reunion with his less-repulsive-but-still-abominable brother, and hopefully oblivion after two short tag reigns. Then we can purge the collective memory of them for all time.

Nitro gets a cheap shot in after the first bell. Good for him.

Johnny Jeter and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane over the retard and the bigger retard (Pinfall, rollup): Aw, so the team that some of the lower orders calls HoTard has to break up. And is that a heel turn I see surrounding the retard? Does this mean that Nick Dinsmore can regain his intelligence and become the great heel wrestler that all of us knew he could be when he came up from OVW and got put into this abysmal angle that long since wore off its shelf life (actually, it wore off its shelf life before it started)? Let’s only hope so.

That’s it, son, kill the retard, just like I taught you

Jamalga over Maria Kanelis (DQ, Cena-ference): Weavil’s calling this another example of WWE’s innate misogyny in action. I call it some nice exposure for a Chicago girl in a highly-competitive match. Hey, she’s so popular that she can even give a rub to the useless, no-talent piece of shit who did the run-in.

There’s no fuscia for Maria when Jamalga goes purple with rage

Gym Bunny over Jerry Lawler (Submission, MasterLock): I think we’ll just skip this one, okay?

Lawler fulfills many a wrestling fan’s fantasy

Carly Colon over Shelton Benjamin (Pinfall, backcracker): Oh, come on, we’ve seen these two way too many times against each other. Please, come up with something original. Or something ripped off. If TNA won’t go through with the BET stable, how about if WWE does so? Benjy plus Cryme Time would be absolutely golden. He’d actually get more over than he was with Mamma…well, actually, it was Mamma that got over, but still.

The Proud Graduate Of Dartmouth His Own Self wishes to comment on the supposed injustice that Cryme Time performed on Benjy:

Was that a Thundercats logo on Shelton’s chain? If so, then I don’t blame Cryme Time for stealing it. That’s some cool stuff there. I do, however, blame them for doing some of the most unintelligble commentary I’ve ever heard, and creating a situtaion where Jim Ross says, “bling bling.”

Ross may be the only person outside of the GOP House caucus that’s more ofay than I am. I actually approve of putting him in situations like that. And as for unintelligible commentary, Cryme Time were veritable orators compared to Edge and Christian when they were put behind the mic for the first time. Looking at how they’re masters of promos today, people tend to forget that back in the Brood days, they were totally incoherent and completely froze the first night they went behind the commentary table on Raw. Now that was embarassing. At least Cryme Time were playing their roles properly.

How nice of Benjy to help Carly’s shoulder cramp

Lita over MickieLexis LaJames, Women’s Title One Hand Tied Behind Back Match (Pinfall, DDT): Isn’t Lita supposed to be retiring or something? Wasn’t Cyber Sunday rumored to be her last match? That’s why everyone in the Round Table predicted a LaJames win. Oh, well, we get a bit more fun with her, I guess. Color me thrilled.

LaJames has to do something about that protruding umbilical cord

Ric Flair and Roddy Piper over Edge and Randy Orton, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Flair pins Orton, Michaels Sweet Chimp Music): Gee, an Angle Advancement Main Event that had no idea what angle it was advancing. Presumably, the ending was there to put forward the Survivor Series Match headed up by DX and Edge and Orton, but what about the rest of it? How exactly does this help the sad tag title situation? You know, ten years ago, if Flair and Piper were WCW tag champs, Vince would have been doing sketches about it. Now he thinks it’s a good idea under worse circumstances. I’m not really sure how to interpret that.

Flair gets a little payback for last year

Angle Developments:

Temp Agency: So, for one night only, Bisch gets his old job back. Any way to make this permanent? That way, I get to cite my statement in the 2005 Year-End Awards when I presented Bisch with Non-Wrestling Personality Of The Year about him being on hiatus but coming back and doing a “Kneel Before Zod”. I always like doing that. Come on, WWE, throw me a bone for once. I really need it right now.

Oh, how do I wish NOW that it was Flair and Dusty at Cyber Sunday…

The Mod Squad 2006

And you wonder why all those same-sex marriage ban initiatives passed yesterday


What the hell, I’ll throw it in here this week…

Match Results:

CM Fuckin’ Punk over Mike Knox, Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match (Submission, Anaconda Vise): Hey, Knox can work stiff and look good in the process! That’s a real revelation, actually. Knox’s matches until now have been, shall we say, not the ideal showcase for any talent he might possess. However, Punk tends to bring out the best in people, and he definitely did so for Knox in this case.

Oh, do NOT do that…

Shaun Daivari over Little Guido Maritano (Pinfall, DDT): So exactly what reason does WWE have for keeping Daivari out of the ring on a regular basis for this long? The whole Muhammad Hassan mess might have been a little easier to take if they’d done it in the tag team ranks rather than in the upper-mid-card. Did Daivari have a long-term injury that they somehow kept from us? But he’s not demostrating anything in here that I didn’t mention when he first started in the bigs: he’s young, he’s quick, he’s got talent. He’s going to be an asset. But not as long as they’re pushing the whole Arab thing (remember, he’s Iranian, not Arab) and they’ve stuck him with Khali.

Now those are fast fists

Test over Tommy Dreamer, Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match (Pinfall, swinging neckbreaker): A textbook example of how to make a squash last five minutes and yet make it not seem like a squash. Damn, Dreamer really is that good. He may just be the most underestimated wrestler of the last decade. Bravo to him.

Dreamer’s had worse. From Beulah.

Rob Van Dam and Bob Holly versus The Big Show and Paul Heyman (ND, match stopped due to beatdown): Angle Advancement, period. Holly’s realignment was to try to keep the numbers in place for the Elimination Chamber match. So, no surprise here, and keeping pretty much the whole match in the hands of Van Dam and TBS was a good move. They know how to work with each other, they’ve done so in an effective manner in the past, and it kept things in doubt about to where the match was going. So, not a good match, but a well-calculated one. I’ll give credit where it’s due.

And we have a turn

Angle Developments:

Jack and shit, as expected. So, nothing to say here.

I’ll close this off now, since I really do have to get to work. Have a good one, and I’ll see you later this week.

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