In Memoriam: Jack Palance. Not only did he reinvent himself and revive his career in his 70s, but he could shit bigger turds than any of you. Major, major loss here.
In Memoriam II: Gerald Levert, who died too young to experience the success he deserved and died too young to get out of the shadow of his father.
And here’s the problem with doing two columns back-to-back: coming up with a teaser for the second column. Now, honestly, it’s been twelve hours since I started Impact, so something must have happened. That isn’t necessarily true in the world of wrestling, and it’s true that nothing’s happened there. But nothing’s happened in the world at large either, unless you consider Gary Sheffield starring in a remake of Escape From Noo Yawk something worth mentioning. Well, I do, because he’s headed to the Unjustly Ignored AL Central. So, to all our guys in Tailgate Crashers, f*ck you, there’s life after the Yankers, and f*ck you, Hulse, you homer piece of shit. I’ll laugh my ass off Sunday night and think of you weeping bitter tears as Urlacher sends Tiki Torch into a premature retirement.
I’ve also been blowing off Smackdown recently, but not out of disgust. It’s mostly been lack of time and lack of desire to watch it without doing a column in conjunction with it. Honestly, that didn’t help my percentage with Cyber Sunday, but I’ll get back on track and back on the ball in regard to Survivor Series. But enough of the reasons (no, not excuses, reasons). You want a column, I’ll give you one.
Without anything to bring this column to a boil, I’m forced to go right to the show. Good luck.
Booker T over Bobby Lashley, World Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Yes, we’ve seen this before. However, we needed to see it again for good reason. We needed to get a good measurement of Lashley’s progress. The good news is that he is, indeed showing progress. He has to be carried less, he’s selling better and making better judgments on when he needs to sell, and he can hang with guys like Booker now without any assistance. Plus, the booking of Lashley’s better. He needs some hokey endings like with Paisley’s involvement here to protect his image. All in all, this match was a good sign for the future. Lashley’s going to get a world title reign within a year and a half, and he should be able to do something with it. Not as much as Batista did with his chance, of course, but that’s too much to expect from a guy this young.
“YOU CAN’T SEE…oops, sorry!”
Mattsy-poo and Jimmy Yang over Novocaine Helms and Sylvain Grenier (Pinfall, Hardy pins Helms, top-rope Twit Of Fate): I asked Wednesday whether or not Yang’s presence would make me care about this match. Nope, it didn’t. I won’t care unless Yang’s teamed up with Jamie Noble. At that point, I’ll definitely care. Until then, let them prance around like idiots.
If I close my eyes, I can pretend this is the first hour of Nitro in 1998
Our Lord and Savior over KC James, Non-Title Match (Submission, Crossface): Have I noted how nice it is for Benoit to be back, to be in form, and to be holding a title? I don’t think I have. Let me say it, then. All of it is nice. It’s wonderful. My nipples are exploding in delight. It’s a Good Thing, okay? I don’t know how much I have to emphasize that, because people, for some reason, are under the impression that I’m constantly negative or sarcastic to the point where my honest compliments come across as negative. So f*ck you, inhabitants of the Den of Smelly Proles. And hack this, bitch.
Hey, that’s actually an effective move against Benoit
The Boogeyman over T. J. Dalton (Pinfall, slam): Okay, it’s kinda nice to have Boogey back full-time too. Yes, the wrestling’s nonexistent, but High-Quality Speaker Boy’s commentary whenever he comes out is pure gold. And anything that sets off High-Quality Speaker Boy is a good thing. And if he beats the shit out of Mizanin, Boogey might get some smark credit in the bargain for helping to eliminate this bacillus from the world.
It’s like watching one of those 60s Disney nature films
DAVE over The Only Other Guy We Can Justifiably Call DAVE, Main Event Grudge Match (Pinfall, spinebuster): There’s a fine line between “slow” and “methodical”. This match wavered on that line continuously. Unfortunately, it put stress on maintaining a pace. This match went into “slow” territory far too often, even considering DAVE’s presence. Frankly, I was getting off more on the fact of thinking “Jesus, Dave Fuckin’ Finlay is in a main-event singles match on Smackdown” than I was watching this. Each of these guys can do better. You can try to claim that DAVE still has a little ring rust, but he knows that if that’s the case, let Finlay take control, because he’s sure as hell capable of doing that. Should have been better and wasn’t. Not tragic, but definitely disappointing.
DAVE forgets that the Heimlich should be applied from the rear
I’ll keep it quick and only do caps…
And we have Match of the Night at SurSer
If the gimmick wasn’t working up until this time, NOW it will
Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP!
At least they’re concentrating the crap into one corner instead of spreading it all over the show
And that ends off this week. No PPV next week, which gives me the time to actually get a contribution in to next week’s 50 Club. It’s truly a legendary movie, the only ones I allow myself to touch (no Donnie Darko or shit like that), so you should enjoy it tremendously, as if you have any other option with me writing. So, until Tuesday, ta ta and thanks for voting Democratic.