Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.
Earlier today I posted a story about Gerald Levert dying. That was sad, and equally as (if not more) surprising. Not quite as surprising was the news of Britney Spears finally deciding to pull the trigger and take out the (white) trash. I don’t have much to say about it besides that it was bound to happen eventually, and obviously didn’t happen soon enough. Mathan opined earlier in the week on the situation, right here. As for me, it’s been a relatively eventful news week, so let’s get right to it…
BLURBS OF THE WEEK
Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, while Donald Rumsfeld resigned from his position as Secretary of Defense. Did Fred Durst die, too? No, but just remember that these things tend to happen in threes…
The members of the late ’70s and ’80s incarnation of Genesis announced on Tuesday that they will reunite next summer for a European tour. Said tour will kick off June 11 in Helsinki, Finland, and wrap up July 14 in Rome, with a free concert in front of the Colosseum, and will be followed by a North American tour. This is the first time the band will be touring with Phil Collins at vocals since 1991. He left the band in 1996 and was replaced by Ray Wilson, whose run with the band would best be likened to Van Halen with Gary Cherone as lead singer. I really hope that Gary Cherone isn’t reading this, because he just stopped crying about Van Halen III last month.
Carrie Underwood won the Female Vocalist of the Year award on Monday’s broadcast of the Country Music Association Awards, upsetting veterans Martina McBride, Faith Hill, Sara Evans, and Gretchen Wilson. However, getting more attention than the actual award has been Faith Hill, for her reaction. The singer, who had just performed and was pictured backstage as Underwood was announced the winner, threw her hands up in the air and irately shouted, “WHAT?” before storming off-camera (see the footage here). “The idea that I would act disrespectful towards a fellow musician is unimaginable to me,” Hill told reporters after the fact, insisting that her reaction was tongue-in-cheek. “For this to become a focus of attention given the talent gathered is utterly ridiculous. Carrie is a talented and deserving Female Vocalist of the Year.” Underwood later told reporters that the two had spoken and that she had been aware of the joke, while Hill’s manager said that Hill “was being playful while the nominations were being read and playful after.” While an astute observer can tell that Faith Hill was joking, several bloggers and scandal rags proceeded to tear into her for what appeared to be her best Kanye West impression. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and assume that the reason why Faith Hill did this was as a shoot on Kanye West, because if that’s the case, Faith Hill just got a hell of a lot hotter than she already was.
Rapper Juvenile (né Terius Gray) was cleared of breach of peace and resisting an officer with violence in a Florida court on Friday, after he allegedly assaulted an off-duty police officer at the Regency Square mall in Jacksonville, over six years ago. He had been at the mall with a group of people when they were asked to leave because “their dress and language were in violation of mall policies.” When they refused, and threw a subsequent shit fit, security guard/off-duty police officer Melissa Huxley-Bujeda was called to issue a trespass warning, and after getting into a physical altercation with the rapper, he allegedly caused an injury to her knee. “We got them, we got them, we got them,” Juvenile told reporters after the verdict. “Just the fact that it’s a rap artist against the police, that never happens. Rappers never win. We never win against the police or the government. You can expect me to record ten different songs about this, and they will all sound the same, and they will all suck.”
The three remaining members of The Doors (guitarist Robby Krieger, drummer John Densmore, and keyboardist Ray Manzarek) buried a previous legal hatchet and appearing at the Whisky a Go Go, in West Hollywood, Calif. They were there to celebrate the band’s 40th anniversary, as well as to promote a new book, The Doors By The Doors. As cool and nostalgic as the jam session may have been, it lost all credibility when Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington jumped onstage and started screaming at the top of his lungs, which he apparently thought people would like. Perry Farrell and Slash were there, too, but Bennington was the only one screaming at the top of his lungs. Way to ruin it for everyone, Chester.
Michael Jackson will perform “Thriller” at the World Music Awards on Nov. 15, in London. Luckily for him, he won’t need to sit through three hours of makeup application this time around to look f*cking creepy. It’ll save a lot of time, which Jackson will use before the performance to curl up into a fetal position inside of a cardboard castle while having a 12-year-old boy urinate on his face as a naked Verne Troyer throws peeled grapes at his buttocks.
Culture Club, who were poised to tour with new singer Sam Butcher, have postponed a “reunion” tour that was to kick off on Dec. 7. The reason why I set “reunion” in quotes is because Boy George would need to be involved. Unfortunately, he refused to take part in the tour, as he was too busy picking up trash on High Street Kensington.
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Guns N’ Roses canceled a concert scheduled for Nov. 6, at the Cumberland County Civic Center near Portland, Maine, for what a band representative called conditions specified by fire marshals that made it “impossible for the band to perform their show to the usual high standards that their fans deserve.” Singer Axl Rose blamed the actions of the “draconian authorities” for the show’s cancellation, however what he didn’t mention was the exact nature of the issue. Earlier in the day, the band had come to the venue with local fire marshals, who were there to inspect the pyrotechnics slated for the show. Supposedly, the fire marshals had no problem with the pyrotechnics, but after finding out that G-N’-R had planned to drink beer, wine and Jägermeister while onstage that night, they informed them of a state law that prohibits performers from drinking while onstage. It was at that point that the band decided to cancel the show. Rose added that “it was important for us to play there and it is a shame that what should have been a great night for all of us was not possible due to the actions of [the fire marshals].” Hey shithead, if it was so important for you to play there, and you felt bad for letting down your fans, you probably could have made it through a set without drinking onstage. You could have even gone backstage between songs, but instead you decided to be a f*cking prima donna. Fuck Axl Rose, and f*ck his album which is NOT going to come out until 2025. Sorry, Tom D’Errico…
Cheers
-JF2k6!
