Evening folks. It’s Raw. It’s Tom Pandich. I’m back. Sorry I missed last week, family was in town. Tonight though…. tonight…. man, what a Raw we’ve got tonight. It’s Umaga/Cena…
*sadness*
Keep it here all night as I’ll take you through the Rawness.
Opening and here comes DX. We’re on tape from the UK. Hm, I never noticed that they re-did the DX intro video. Probably a recent thing. Not all that important. Trips and Shawn pose and shoot out the fireworks. It’ll be DX (and friends) vs Team RKO (and acquaintances, heels don’t have friends) at the Thanksgiving Classic. Triple H works the crowd up and quiets them down and asks if they’re ready. Apparently they are. For the 1000s in attendance, the millions watching at home and….. “I don’t have anything funny to say this week.” Apparently Trips can’t deal with the pressure. We get ready to suck it. Shawn tells us if we’re not down with that we’ve got two words for ya.
Triple H and Shawn have made a list. Vince McMahon. Check. Shane McMahon. Check. Eric Bischoff. Check. DX has taken care of all of these figures of authority. We get video of Eric getting his face shoved into “Big Dick Johnson’s” backside. We see to again and it’s in slow mo this time. Shawn looks like he’s going to puke. Poor Shawn, he threw up in his mouth a little bit. Now they’re down to Siegfried and Roy or Edge and Orton. DX gets neither and here comes the Coach.
He says we can forget about Edge and Orton tonight. Coach gets an asshole chant. The accent makes it hillarious. Tonight Team RKO gets a rematch for the tag titles, and…. he’s interupted. Shawn hypotheses that he’s going to ban DX from ring side. Coach tries to start again, but he gets shut down again. He’s putting up a bounty on DX, $10,000 (converted from pounds). Triple H laughs it off saying how cheap Coach is. Coach sends four guys down to take care of business. It’s Cade, Murdoch, Vis, and Haas. That’s next.
Can you smell the job tonight?: DX vs Bad Guys
Shawn and Haas are in the ring. Hip toss by Shawn. Haas tags out to Cade. Cade gets the blind tag Murdoch and the double team is on. Cade gets an inverted atomic drop and Murdoch hits the knee.Murdoch then comes off the 2nd but he eats a boot. Tag to Big Vis who hits the black hole slam. Tag to Haas who pins for two. Shawn is our face in peril. He takes some kicks from haas. Tag to Cade who hits a back breaker for two. Shawn fights his way up and fights Cade over to his corner.
Right by Shawn. Another right. Shawn’s kick is caught, but he hits the enziguri. Big tag to Triple H. He cleans house. Facebuster to Lance Cade. Murdoch gets tossed over the top. HBK hits the super kick on Viscera who falls on the country yokels. Kick, wham, pedigree on Haas.
Winners: D-Generation X
DX is all over Smackdown vs Raw 2007. Some video of the 360 version are shown. I might pick it up, but damn, there’s a lot of money to spend on other gaming stuff the next few weeks.
Later tonight, Nitro and Hardy go at it for the IC title (which Hardy lost last week apparently).
We’re back and Kenny wants the Spirit Squad to cash in on the DX bounties. They screw up. DX dodges the Spirit Squad as wackiness ensues.
Rather positive reaction for the Scots: The Highlanders vs The Spirit Squad (Kenny and Johnny)
I don’t recap Highlander match ups. It’s a long standing hatred I have of comedy gimmicks I don’t find funny. Plus Umaga/Cena is probably the main event tonight which means I can’t really take a pass on that. Anywho, Rory is face in peril for most of the match until he makes the tag to Robbie. Robbie cleans house until Johnny knocks him. Hm, the Spirit Squad is wearing Irish colors tonight. Finish comes when Kenny tosses Johnny into the Highlanders and gets the small package.
Winner: Spirit Squad
JR thanks the King for helping him last week with Masters beating the Royale with Cheese out of Jerry. Tonight the King is going to accept the Masterlock challenge…right now. Christ, it’s that time of the two years again. King feuds are eye explodingly bad.
Wrestlemania 23 ticket sales in Detroit. Here comes Masters. King is in a red one strap singlet in case you’re wondering (I hope you weren’t). Masters won’t lock the hold two times. Jerry gets up and pushes him. Masters slaps it on, and the King is fighting it! He’s fighting it! HE’S FIGHTING IT! Elbows to Master’s temple. COME ON KING! You can do it. King drops to one knee and that’s all she wrote. Poor Jerry. Hopefully that’ll be all we’ll have to deal with that.
In the back, Shawn is eating a banana and popcorn. Knock on the door and it’s Eugene. He’s here for the bounty. Triple H gives him a roll of towels. It’s the quicker picker up. Eugene throws a punch and crashes his fist against the door. Shawn eats when he’s nervous. He knocks again, charges, and crashes into the concession table. Interesting note. WWE won’t buy Eugene a new jacket as his is still covered in green paint.
Last week: Mickey James was pummeled. Todd is interviewing Lita. Lita says she’ll beat Mickey James anywhere and everywhere. Short interview.
Back to DX! Triple H is having digestive problems. Masters is in the stall!!! Masters is in the stall!! Triple H comes out. Shawn says, “Holy crap you crapped a Masterpiece”. Pretty cute.
Hm, there’s a lot of pubs in the UK according to a WWE video.
Speaking of needing a drink: Umaga vs John Cena
Todd Grisham has joined JR. He says how impressive the Masterpiece is. One has to wonder if either JR or Jerry are retiring sooner or later (especially with Grisham developing a heel persona). Here comes Cena with a 60-40 split cheers to boos.
Todd is upset with Cena for being FUed by him. Cena is getting some serious heat tonight. Umaga charges. Cena dodges. That goes on for about two minutes until Cena hits a bulldog. Umaga no sells it (how do you no sell a bulldog) and crushes Cena with a clothesline. Samoan drop to Cena and Umaga hammers away at Cena. Umaga puts on a nerve pinch, and Cena fights up. Dueling Cena Sucks/Let’s Go Cena chant. Throwback drops Umaga. Umaga pops up but is teetering. Three shoulder blocks and Umaga is caught in the ropes. Here comes the Big Show.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
Umaga and the Big Show dismantle Cena with splashes. Big Show hits a chokeslam. Umaga hits the spike. That’s all she wrote.
Recap of what just happened with Cena. In the back, Coach is calling Vince. Triple H and Shawn go to talk to Coach about what happened tonight. A poor Benny Hill sound alike plays to the wacky hillarity. They can’t take it anymore. DX is going to leave. They take off, and Shawn steals the bounty! Triple H asks if they can have the 10 grand. The Coach says no. Wacky hijincks.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Jeff Hardy vs Johnny Nitro
WWE Slam of the Week shows Hardy losing the belt. Hardy and Nitro lock up to start things off. Hardy moves Nitro to the corner and the ref calls for the break. Nitro tosses a boot which Hardy catches. Irish whip and a shoulderblock by Hardy gets two. The two lock up and Nitro gets a handful of hair to toss Hardy down. Nitro tries to dump Hardy, but gets dropped himself. Nitro pulls Hardy’s legs out from under him, and misses the crossbody from the apron. Hardy hits a sit down drop kick off the top and goes into the corner with Nitro. Ten punches followed by a sit down drop kick. Hardy goes up top, Nitro bails. Baseball slide by Hardy and then he comes over the top with the cross body. Commercial break.
We’re back. Inverted atomic drop followed by the double leg drop by Hardy for two. Hardy gets tossed into the corner, and Nitro hits a springboard roundhouse. That was a rather crazy move. Chinlock on Hardy and a “let’s go Hardy” chant comes up. Hardy is up, but Nitro grabs the hair. Hardy gets tossed into the corner, and he floats over. Roll up by Hardy gets two. Hardy gets slapped in another hold which he fights out of. Nitro tosses Hardy into the corner. Hardy gets out of the way, and tosses Nitro across the top rope.
Hardy is first up and he’s a house of fire. Reverse mule kick gets two. Hardy rolls Nitro over on his back and hits the double leg drop holding for a pin that gets two. Hardy goes for the Whispers in the Wind and misses. Nitro lands a reverse power bomb that gets two. Nitro climbs up to the second rope and tries for what looks like a huricaneranna, but he gets powerbombed in mid air. One, two, NO!
Hardy goes up. Swanton Bomb hits but the ref is distracted. Hardy works over Nitro a bit more, but he gets his leg caught by Melina. Nitro guillotines Hardy over the top rope and then pops back in. Nitro hits a neck breaker followed by a huge corkscrew moonsault. 1, 2, HARDY ROLLS HIM UP! He gets the pin!
Winner and New IC Champ: Jeff Hardy
Nitro is not happy. He beats Hardy down with a ladder after the match.
Outside, it’s Shawn and Triple H. They don’t know what to do. Perhaps they could buy a ticket. It’s sold out though. Maybe they can scalp a ticket. Why, it’s Cryme Tyme. They’re selling tickets, but Triple H can’t make out what they’re saying. That’s ok though. Shawn speaks jive! Fantastic. Shawn deals with Cryme Tyme and hands over some paper. Triple H thinks they’re going to pull a gun on him. After the deal is done, Trips tosses out a “fo shizzle”. “Okkkkkkkkkkay”.
In the back, Carlito is reading the Star. The Star girls and Torrie Wilson ask him if he’d like to go out. He’d love to, but he can’t. His hotel is on the other side of town, and he’s got an early flight tommorrow. That’s ok though. Torrie invites Carlito to spend the night in her hotel room. Carlito is ok with that as he stutters and stammers.
The Survivor Series Card
-Team Cena (John Cena (Captain), Kane, Lashley, Sabu & RVD) vs Team Big Show (Big Show (Captain), Test, MVP, Finlay & Umaga)
-King Booker vs Batista for the WWE Championship
-Team Legend (Ric Flair, Roddy Piper (co-captains), Dusty Rhodes & Sgt. Slaughter) vs the Spirit Squad
-Chris Benoit vs Chavo Guerrero for the US Championship Title
-Undertaker vs Mr. Kennedy: First Blood Match
-Team DX (DX (co-captains) CM Punk, Matt & Jeff Hardy) vs Team Rated RKO (Rated RKO (co-captains), Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox & Gregory Helms)
DX buys out their t-shirts and starts handing them out to the crowd as they make their way to the seats.
Mickey James’ legs are shackled: Mickey James vs Lita
Not even a match. Mickey says she’ll give the shackles to Lita since everyone knows her legs need to be tied closed. Lita taunts DX. DX taunts Lita with a hoe chant. Lita steals the sausage and tosses it in the ring. Triple H sprays Lita with mustard. Lita comes back in and a sausage shot! DDT and Lita is done.
Winner: Mickey James
Edge and Randy come down and they scream at DX. The Coach yells at DX. He tosses them out of the building. World Tag Titles match is next.
World Tag Team Championship Match: Edge and Orton vs Ric Flair and Roddy Piper
Randy and Edge beat the hell out of Piper. Several chair shots on Piper end with a one man conchairto. Huge woo sign in the back (about twenty people long). Awesome. It’s now a handicap match. Edge locks on a chin lock to Flair and hammers away on Flair’s head. Orton gets the tag and clothesline’s Flair over the top. Suplex to the floor, and Flair is hurt (in wrestling terms). Orton breaks the count, and proceeds to slap the hell out of Flair.
Edge gets the tag and he struts. Chinlock as Edge works the back. JR mentions how Flair broke his back (see Hatton, JR does it too)! Todd says it was about 50 years ago calling JR on his bullshit. Orton gets the tag. Flair hits a low blow. Flair is going to town as Edge gets the tag. Flair chops everyone and he dodges a drop kick from Flair. Flair tries for a figure four but he gets speared. That’s all she wrote.
Winners and New Champions: Randy Orton and Edge
DX comes down to the ring and takes out the security guards. Edge and Orton bail. That’s all she wrote for tonight.
