Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 11.14.06

Oh, damn, nothing good in the news that I want to discuss, but after last week, that had to happen. Things do have to balance out, you know. Oh, well, I’ll just have to wait until January when the new Congress is sworn in. Until then, maybe someone can tie down and strip Don Banks of SI and give him the Edward II treatment for his blasphemy on si.com today.

Memo to Russell Davies: You know, you had me when you announced the existence of Torchwood. As a salivating fanboy of long standing, you knew that I couldn’t resist. So what have you done the last three weeks? An appearance by Gareth Thomas. Cyber-Babe. And now an episode with a script by PJ Hammond. Congratuations. I’m now treating this show like a bull moose in heat. I can’t think rationally about it. All of the blood rushing to my fanboy glands has intoxicated me and blocked out any opportunity for rational, intelligent evaluation. You’re behaving in this regard like Vince would if he’d give me Benoit/Regal/Finlay Triple Threat matches for a world-level title every week for a month. It’s really wasted effort. You didn’t have to do this to me. I’m happy you did, but, really, where can you go from here?

Shall I just move on and try to get this done before trying to get a little sleep? Oh, why not? Gotta get something in.

THE PIMP SECTION

I love Pandich. He worships me. But it’s strictly platonic.

No, Wallace, Chavito/Benoit will not be Match of the Night unless they add a stip. I said so, therefore it’s true.

I love how Bambi shows how much she really wants to cut loose and blast WWE, but restrains herself at the last minute, thus producing a pile of smouldering equivocation because she doesn’t want to come across as “negative”. She lets the pros like me handle that.

Slayer maintains his usual focus on tits, ass, and leather, so I don’t have to.

Vin-Man tries to recast the wrestling wars in a different context. Vinny also has never studied the concept of Soviet Union-style “competition”. I was going to list that concept under another name, except that there are some over-weaning web filters that would have blocked my column. Turns out that the political concepts elaborated by Marx and Engels share a sequence of letters with a certain popular erection-inducing medication that’s advertised by spam, and some blocking filters can’t understand the difference between the two. Neither can some Republicans, for that matter.

Daniels is calling the waaaaaaaahmbulance. And I already told Hulse exactly what he can do as a mea culpa. It does involve whips. And I can’t wait what you two have to say about the New England Faggots bringing back Testaverde.

Urciuolo is back, and I’m glad about that. I missed him here.

Sebert discusses the subject of how comic books treat politics. Except that I always assumed that Metropolis was supposed to be Kansas City.

Stevens is the most talent person ever to suck up the contents of Newsarama and regurgitate them for you in digestible doses.

Basilo focuses entirely on Lost, a show that I ignored when it came on and went gangbusters, and a show that I’m still ignoring now that it’s lost its bloom. He also does something on The O. C.. Dear God, why?

MacKay is finally back with his Galactica review. You’ve made Murtz happy, kid. But apparently he’s never heard of another SF-generated phrase that people accept: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.”

Cameron previews the November and December releases in the hip-hop world. Nice to know that no racial group is immune to the virus of Holiday Marketing.

END THE CONSPIRACIES

So, it turns out that WWE had nothing to do with last week’s cancellation of the TNA house show in Connecticut. This is coming from the Bloomfield Police Department itself, as relayed through wrestlingupdateonline.com and hence through 1bullshit Junior. Here’s the story: TNA never applied for new permits when they changed venues. The police had qualms about issues of public safety, ones that would have been handled had TNA actually gone through the permit process. The cops shut the show down due to the fact that they had a legitimate concern that this show could have been handled in a proper fashion with full regard to the safety and health of the public attending. No one in the upper hierarchy of the Bloomfield PD had no idea who Vince McMahon was and had to be told. This explanation is simple and logical. Occam’s Razor thus tells us that this is the most probable reason.

So shut your pie holes about “Vince shutting the show down”. Vince doesn’t give a shit whether or not TNA runs house shows in his neighborhood. In fact, he’s probably in favor of them doing so. You know that he regards low-level competition as being good, and this is just about the level of competition that he’s the most happy about: strong enough to mount a show in “his” area, but not enough of a threat to kill him like WCW was in 1997. It was the cops, not Vince, and it was only because TNA didn’t follow proper procedures.

And that means you too, Blatt. I don’t care that you drove an hour and a half in shitty weather to see TNA and got turned away, that’s no reason to bitch. But, Jesus Christ, Blatt, why did you bother driving an hour and a half to see TNA? I wouldn’t get out of bed to piss for TNA at this point. Hell, I’m debating about whether or not to do the Another Phil Collins-Related Show Round Table this weekend. But, then again, I’m a sane person in that regard.

Oh, yeah, speaking of TNA, Jarrett said in a phone interview (again cited by 1bullshit Junior) that Monty Brown is no longer affiliated with TNA. You know what that means. Expect him on Raw within the next two weeks. Too bad that they couldn’t have held off the announcement about the sixth man in the Elimination Chamber at December To Dismember. I love Bob Holly, but, really, Monty would have been one helluva surprise entrant.

SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED

Smackdown taped in Manchester on Tuesday night (afternoon US time), and 1bullshit Junior actually got one of its unpaid British stringers to submit results. So what’s going to happen on Friday?

Your opening match is Mizanin and Marshall versus the Boogeyman. I expect that you’re making alternate plans and wiping the entry out of the DVR at this point.

Tatanka’s been on a roll recently against lower-quality opponents, so it’s a bit surprising that he laid an egg in the ring against Our Lord and Savior. Maybe Chavis just hit the wall, or maybe he just folded under the pressure of being in the ring with Benoit.

It’s not a spoiler to state that Regal gets a home-country win. But some of you will be a little upset about who he gets it against and how it happens.

Porter and Kane are still doing their roundelay with UT and FudgePacker. Hooray.

Another Mattsy-poo/Novocaine match. They really don’t want me to watch, do they?

And your main event is yet another tagging betwixt DAVE and BOBBY against Booker and Finlay. You can anticipate the results by realizing that Finlay is from Northern Ireland, which is still part of the UK despite the desires of many.

That’s all that’s worth. Let’s move on…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Trip ‘n Shawn over GarriLance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Charlie Haas, and Viscera, Handicrap Match (Pinfall, Trip pins Haas, Pedigree): No, “Handicrap Match” isn’t a good description. How about “Justifying Their Plane Tickets and Per Diem Match”? That’s a little closer to the truth.

KC Evers (no relation) had a Sin Of Omission in this match: Jim Ross didn’t pimp the Rock N’ Roll Express when the Highlanders did the Double Dropkick. Shame…shame upon him! Really, KC, do we expect Ross to do those kind of citations anymore? Joey, sure, but not Ross. We’ve all sort of given up on him by this point, even his rabid fans. Ask Bambi about Ross. All you’ll get is her shaking her head, with maybe a little choked-up sob.

Hold it, didn’t Michaels train Cade? If so, he didn’t do a good job at it.

Johnny Jeter and My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane over Rory McAllister and Robbie McAllister (Pinfall, Doane pins Robbie, rollup): So, they’ve soured enough on the Highlanders to 1) only use them in a real match when they’re in the UK and 2) job them to a Spirit Squad missing three members with no outside interference, and cleanly. Oh, we had some hopes for them. Few, admittedly, but at least some hopes.

Stay tuned next week for another episode of “Rory McAllister, Kamikaze Scotsman”…

John Cena over Jamalga (DQ, Big Show-ference): Hey, just as long as Cena gets to look like the bitch that he is. That’s all I care about at this point. And Jamalga and TBS did the job in this case. Thank you.

Oh, I’m liking this. I’m liking this a great deal.

Jeffykins over Johnny Nitro, Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, rollup, New Intercontinental Champion): Oh, yuck. Just…yuck. I think you know by now my feelings on this subject, so there’s no need to elucidate. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go count my tranquilizers in stash so I can contemplate an overdose.

There were enough fairies on Torchwood this week, thank you

MickieLexis LaJames over Lita, Non-Title Match, Mickie’s Legs Handcuffed Together (Pinfall, DDT): Well, at least this sucker will get blown off at SurSer. It hasn’t been nearly as entertaining as we expected. Lita’s already in coast mode heading for retirement, and Mickie needs someone to react to (notice how much Trish really carried their feuds). So, it’s a waste of time, really.

If Lita played for Steve Spurrier, the kick would have been blocked

Randy Orton and Edge over Ric Flair and Roddy Piper, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Edge pins Flair, spear, New Tag Champions): Congratulations. You officially made Cyber Sunday less than worthless. Yes, the titles needed to get off of the Spirit Squad, and the Legends/SS Survivor Series Match needed to be made (a possibility that I was the first one to moot during the Legends mass appearance a number of weeks ago…KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!), but why do Edge and Orton need them? How many tag titles has Edge won now? It must be near to a dozen, and yet he can’t get into a tag team without it being compared to him and Christian, a losing proposition unless it’s someone like Benoit. Orton sure ain’t Benoit. So they have the straps now. Does anyone care? Yeah, I’m flailing around, but, be honest, this whole situation is as out of focus as my rambling. Clarity, please, and quickly.

So this is how to play a conchairto on bagpipes

Angle Developments:

You should really check on that before going out to the ring, Trip

Oh, man, does this conflict me…

This is so not fair to any other heterosexual male on Earth

And that closes off this. I’ll try to stay awake long enough on Wednesday morning to get the ECW Short Form done. Later on Wednesday comes the 50 Club, with me as one of the tribunal, and you don’t want to miss that. So there’s lots of great stuff in store here for the rest of the week. Be sure to read all of it, okay?

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