Oh, the Republicans are making it soooooo easy for me. Instead of giving someone as intelligent and pragmatic as Lamar Alexander the Senate whip spot, who do they go and elect, by one vote? Trent Lott. With Mitch McConnell as Minority Leader, I’ve got two great years of material ahead of me. Thanks, guys, I owe you one. But it won’t consist of a vote, or a reprieve for your lives, for that matter.
Of course, People Magazine yet again did me a disservice. I’ve always wanted to add Sexiest Man Alive to my long list of honors, but they denied me yet again in favor of George Clooney. And I used to work for that company back in college, the shitheels. Well, we all know better. Just ignore them in favor of the truth for once, okay?
And, yeah, I’m reaching for an intro. It’s damn rough sometimes, you know. Let’s just get on with the show…
CM Fuckin’ Punk over Mike Knox, Oh, Jesus Christ, Not Again Match (Submission, Anaconda Vise): Look, we’re sick of this already. Just have Kelly come over to Punk and Knox come out of the closet and tell the world he loves Dupree. That way, you get Punk with the one thing he needs to really get over with a WWE audience and Knox out of the way into a tag team with a guy who’s an equal waste of space. Plus, as a benefit, we don’t have to watch Punk make Knox look like a million bucks anymore. Talk about a wasted effort.
Just a little bit lower, and Kelly would have had all the motivation she needed to make the switch
Tommy Dreamer over Shaun Daivari (DQ, Khali-ference): Oh, Dreamer’s done a lot in his time that he’s probably not proud of. Getting Khali over by selling his stuff during the DQ and apres must be at or near the top of that list. There’s only so much self-respect a man can jettison in his lifetime, and Dreamer’s way past his limit. If you believe in a god, pray for Dreamer. He needs all the divine intervention he can get.
At least three different flavors of wrong
Bobby Lashley over Bob Holly (DQ, Big Show-ference): Lashley in ECW…oh, I dunno. I mean, yeah, he sorta hit a wall over on Smackdown. He was getting over, but not over enough to provide some kind of alternative to the title scene. I mean, Finlay leap-frogged him to the position of number three guy on SD after Booker and DAVE. But the reason they’ve done this is quite cynical. TBS has to drop the title in the Chamber due to his health. The only guy remotely over enough to take the strap and run with it is Van Dam. They’re sure as hell not going to give Van Dam the strap for at least another year due to the drug bust. So they need a face with some credibility who can participate in the mayhem of the Elimination Chamber and contribute to it. Hence Lashley. Oh, how I wish that hadn’t happened. Heyman could have left the Mystery Slot open for Monty Brown. Same effect, really. Better, in fact, because Brown can cut a promo.
No, before you ask, it’s too soon for Punk. He can win the title at Wrestlemania.
This is not how you behave your first night in a federation
Remember when Joey was perfectly capable of announcing an ECW show by himself?
Wanna bet that this one was signed in blood?
That is one seriously disgusting tie
And next up on the pupu platter is two hours of prime-time Impact, including a barbed wire steel cage match between two guys whose feud I got bored with months ago. Yay. See you in a couple.