The Impact Short Form, 11.16.06

In Memoriam: Milton Friedman. Let the arguments begin about the 20th Century’s most influential economist. Friedman or Keynes? It’s definitely a pick ’em.

And kudos to anyone who can come up with a chain of events showing TNA’s move to primetime killed Friedman. Personally, I can’t think of one right now because I’m forcing myself to stay awake so that I can hit Home Depot for supplies for a couple of my plants. Yes, it’s a sacrifice, especially with the prospect that watching Impact will definitely put me to sleep. I’ll have to risk it, though, because I do it for you guys. And you’re still a bunch of ungrateful bastards.

So, here we go…

Match Results:

Samoa Fuckin’ Joe over Jay Soon-To-Be-Fuckin’ Lethal (Submission, Kokina Clutch): Oh, yeah, let’s oversell the primetime debut like crazy, shall we? Put Joe on, and people will come. Now let’s see how they get out of the conundrum they’re in on Sunday. My prediction is, “badly”.

Our new ROH guy must be getting off on this

Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas over the ex-Buh Buh Ray Dudley and the ex-D-Von Dudley, Tables Match (the ex-D-Von goes through the table): Memo to Don West: when the ex-Dudleys do their trademark line and pass the payoff over to the crowd, shut your f*cking yap and let the crowd sell the line to the TV audience. And you wonder why we make fun of you. Other than for your vaginal facial hair and horrid dress sense, of course.

As for the match, if you’ve ever seen a Dudleys match over the last ten years, you saw this one. The opponents may change, but Dudleys are eternal.

Just your typical Dudleys trash removal service job

Somewhere, Paul Heyman is smiling. As is Vince McMahon, Shawn Michaels, and everyone else that Shane Douglas has pissed off over the years.

Christian over Rhiyno, Barbed Wire Steel Cage Match, Escape Rules (duh): Oh, thank you, Impact Zone Crazies. I absolutely love the fact that Tenay and West spent an entire minute spieling about how the crowd has totally turned on Christian, and then the crowd breaks out dueling “Let’s Go, Rhiyno”/”Let’s Go, Christian” chants. Talk about undercutting the message. Brilliant, guys. You think they could have done something about this in editing, like have Tenay and West cut some alternate banter.

Now this, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted pimply adolescents of indeterminate sexual preference, is what a blowoff match is supposed to be like. Escalated environment, ultra-violence that would have made Alex DeLarge’s blood drain out of his face, solid if not spectacular feud underscoring the whole thing, hot crowd, and a strange but oddly-satisfying result. Despite the existence of a pair of Lockdowns since, it’s TNA’s best cage match since AMW/XXX, featuring two guys who’ve seemed to sleepwalk through this feud suddenly coming to life and giving the audience their all. I’ve grown cold on both these guys thanks to the nature of their feud, but they pulled themselves back up in my estimations. When one organization owns all wrestling-related video sometime in the (near) future, they’ll pull together a high-def release of The Best Of Bloody, Violent Spectacles, and this one deserves a place on there with Benoit/Sully and the Tully/Magnum I Quit Match.

See, folks, I do like stuff. And on the rare occasions that I do, I let you know it. Again, hack this, bitch.

Friends don’t shove friends face-first into chain link. Unless you’re under the age of eight.

So how many retards are going to cast this as an Eddy tribute on the first anniversary of his death?

You ever wonder what “1.0 Muta” means? Here’s your answer.

And here’s your weird-ass ending

Christopher Fuckin’ Daniels over A. J. Fuckin’ Styles and Chris Oh-So-Close-To-Fuckin’-Status Sabin, Triple Threat X Division Title Match (Pinfall, Daniels pins Sabin, rollup, Yet Another New X Division Champion): Vinny, please, please, stop with the title changes in the X Division. Yeah, we know, the title had to get off of Low Ki, but since then, it’s like you can’t decide who should hold it. Settle on one guy and let the division revive itself, okay? As for the match, good idea, really. You want to introduce the “new” prime-time audience to the X Division, get the three best ever in there against each other. Good flow, strong pace, pretty much what everyone expected. However, the ending turned it into…well, not Angle Advancement, but definitely PPV Pimp considering it’s going to be Daniels/Sabin and Styles/Christian at Another Phil Collins-Related PPV. Oh, well, at least they did something to set those matches up, which is more than you can say for a lot of WWE PPV matches these days.

Christopher Daniels tries to redefine the term “torque”

Kurt Angle over Abyss (Submission, AngleLock): Oh, God, West went spaz over the Triple Germans…hold it, is this a message? If so, what’s the message? “Come down here to Orlando, Chris. You’ll get to save your neck and your career, you liked it when Russo was booking WCW, the fans will go batshit over you, and Abyss will sell anything for you, unlike certain other people up north”?

Well-paced match here, I have to admit. It would have to be, really. Although Abyss is a pretty fast guy for someone his size, he does tend to need good pacing in order to maintain match flow. Angle, of course, is a master at that. I won’t even deduct points for the PPV Pimp apres (although if they’re smart, there’s your main event for Turning Point: Sting/Angle versus Joe/Abyss). As per Angle, I wasn’t really paying attention. All I was thinking was, “Dear God, Kurt, please be off the goddamn painkillers and don’t overdo it your first match back and have to go back on them.” Fortunately, no fears were exposed, and he should have a good match with Joe on Sunday. Until the shitty ending, that is.

Gee, Angle, leg…Abyss may be a monster, but he’s not stupid

The third German suplex…you gotta love Abyss for risking to blow his image by doing this. Although Angle kicking out of the Black Hole Slam was damage enough in that area.

Angle Developments:

Under normal conditions, the Mexicans would have cleaned the ring up before brawling with the rednecks, or else I wouldn’t give them their paychecks

You know, some of us still remember Oz, Kevin. You should really be careful when you do shit like this.

Oh, flock off

The United States Versus Grand Fenwick: Why bother renaming themselves Voodoo Kin Mafia (other than the initials)? Why not just name themselves Attention Whores and be done with it? Is this Vinny Ru reliving one of his best ideas, the DX Invasion? I think I came down on this as being Road Hogg’s and Billy Bitchcakes’ idea, and nothing I saw really contradicted that. Russo is a lot more pragmatic these days (except when it comes to booking the secondary title). NAO is doing something well-calculated. They’re not burning bridges. In actuality, they’re restoring bridges that they’ve burnt. Ragging on Shawn ‘n Trip in shoot interviews on YouTube is one thing. Doing it as part of an angle is another. The former gains one only opprobium with the powers in Stamford. The latter is a signal that they’re willing to play ball to enhance each other, and is a clear sign that NAO is definitely willing to come back when their contracts are up and do what would be a solid, perhaps big-money, feud with DX.

So, what do you do if you’re Vince? You have your side respond to this. Why? Because Vince enjoys healthy competition. Now that Impact’s in prime time, TNA is a more enhanced competitor in his eyes. It’s in his interest to bring them up further in the fans’ estimation (in WWE fans’ estimation, that is). He wants to relive the synergistic effect of the Monday Night Wars and see Raw break a 5 rating again. The problem here is that his creative ace in the hole is now working for the other side. Yes, that’s happened before, but WCW was already in its death spiral by the time Russo arrived there. Nothing Russo could have done would have stopped that. We see that now, but we didn’t then. It’s going to be tricky to manage, but it can be done. But can it be done without the charges of Vince planting Vinny Ru on TNA cropping up, or some other elaborate conspiracy theory? Look, just because Vince propped up ECW financially doesn’t mean he’s doing the same to TNA. However, f*cking Dixie? That I can see.

Since I’m certain you all wanted to see Kevin Nash’s ass

Petey Williams turns face in the most obvious manner possible. I will forego making a statement about appealing to the mindless knee-jerk patriots in the audience in order not to offend the chimps in question among my readership.

I’m still getting used to this whole concept

That’ll be the end of this one. If you’re a TNA fan, stay tuned for my appearance in the Round Table. If you’re a WWE fan as well, get ready for Smackdown, coming shortly to this site (and you can sate your thirst by indulging in some Heppl-y goodness). If you’re a wrestling fan, don’t bother watching either show. Just read me, and you’ll be fine.

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