That Bootleg Guy On… Jay-Z, Jimmy Kimmel & Jasmine Guy

Earlier, I mentioned that I was looking forward to Jay-Z’s next album. That’s really not much of a newsflash, since he’ll certainly debut at #1 and even the brutal Wreckx-N-Effect flecked first single won’t derail the warm welcome (back) he’ll receive from rap fans who’ve surely tired of the South’s sonic illiteracy.

Which is why I don’t understand why there was an email/advertisement from his label in my inbox “reminding” me that Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come is dropping on November 21.

Will there really be rap fans strolling through Best Buy this Tuesday, minding their own business, when they come across Kingdom Come and think to themselves, “How come I ain’t heard about this?”

Still, as I scrolled down the email, I found something even more shocking:

(We) are looking for die hard JAY-Z fans to be part of his mini-concert on Jimmy Kimmel Live Wednesday, November 22nd. Jimmy Kimmel Live features celebrity guests, cutting edge performers, like JAY-Z, with plenty of surprises, panic, and general pandemonium. The best part is, JAY-Z will play anywhere from 3-5 songs for you!

MUSTS:

– You must be at least 16 years old
– You must be available on Wednesday, November 22nd from 4:30pm – 8:30pm
– You must have a valid photo ID
– Please do not wear white, light blue, beige or logos, as they don’t come across well on camera.
– Please do not bring large handbags or knapsacks
– No cameras or recording devices

Wow. Now, I’ll admit that I’m a little rusty at the “Bootleg quality” mocking that I once wrote, but let’s give the old skills a spin, anyway…’K?

First off, how much longer is ABC going to keep Jimmy Kimmel Live and his one dead eye on the air? It’s been going on for years, it was a mistake from the beginning…hell, throw in a few thousand dead Americans and people would be protesting on the streets and voting out the Republicans.

And, is Kimmel’s show really described above as featuring “plenty of surprises, panic and general pandemonium”? OK, admittedly, it’s been 22 years, but I thought that was the plot from Gremlins? This show is still an awful late-night talk show, right? Whew, just checking.

By the way, the poorly-written release above sure does make it seem like everyone in attendance will have a say in which songs Jay-Z performs. And, there appears to be no caveat that they have to be his songs.

You think he’ll do “Ether”? But, only if he changes Nas’s references in the second person to the first person:

“How much of Biggie’s rhymes is gon’ come out my fat lips?”

The rest of the “invitation” is the usual rules and restrictions. “No cameras and recording devices” is only unusual because 10 years ago the contraband would’ve included laser pointers. Whatever happened to those? One minute, there were a million electric red dots on the Undertaker’s face during his dark, elongated ring intro and now…nothing.

Finally, that’s the first I’ve ever heard that “white, light blue and beige” don’t come across on camera well. Although, now that I think about it, a sea of white would be pretty bright and jarring to the eye. And, all that powder blue would only serve to remind me how much I hate that new particular color trend that every sports team seems to be switching to. (Still, it’s not teal.)

Oh, and all that beige in the audience would be like a cast reunion of NBC’s A Different World. After all this time, it just wouldn’t be the same.