MGF Presents The 2006 American Music Awards Roundtable

Features

The 34th annual American Music Awards are scheduled to take place on Tuesday, Nov. 21, at the Shrine Auditorium in Beverly Hills (to be broadcast on ABC at 8pm EST), and will be hosted by Jimmy Kimmel. We decided to do a roundtable feature with all of the MGF favorites; however, due to Mike Eagle being crushed by an anvil while walking down the street a few weeks ago, it ended up being me, Mathan Erhardt, and Aaron Cameron. No worries, though. We’ll each be predicting a winner from each category with the usual candor that you’ve all come to know and love. We also would like to send out a get-well-soon message to Mike Eagle, who is slowly but steadily recovering.

While the Grammys are awarded by a panel of supposed music experts and entrepreneurs, these awards, much like the Billboard Music Awards, are not given for musical abilities or videos or anything like that; the winners are determined by the hoi polloi. It’s a complete and utter popularity contest. Talk about your hyper-bollocks. Seriously, Nickelback can bite me.

Below is the list of categories and nominees (I omitted some of the more bootless and/or redundant ones for sake of brevity).

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Chris Brown
Jamie Foxx
Ne-Yo

Mathan: I’m really torn here. As much as I’d really love to see Jamie Foxx rehash his Golden Globes speech one more time, I think that I’m going with Chris Brown. I didn’t really hate that “Excuse Me Miss” song of his and as far as I know Chris Brown is actually his name. As for Ne-Yo, I saw his latest video and I had flashbacks of Ma$e dancing in a shiny suit.
Prediction: Chris Brown

Jeff: Jamie Foxx is a great actor. To think that someone can go from playing Wanda Wayne to winning an Oscar for his dramatic portrayal of Ray Charles, it really blows one’s mind. Little-known Jamie Foxx fact: Jamie Foxx is not related to Red Foxx (neither of which were born with the surname Foxx), as Jamie Foxx was born Eric Marlon Bishop, and Redd Foxx was born John Sanford. Yep, Sanford. Coincidence… or conspiracy? In conclusion, I believe that while Jamie Foxx is a great actor, he has not established himself is a successful enough singer, and Ne-Yo is crap. Take the fact with Chris Brown is more popular than either one of these, and combine it with the fact that he’s snagged a recurring role on The O.C., it’s a shoo-in.
Prediction: Chris Brown

Aaron: Messrs. Brown and”¦ “Yo” are easily interchangeable with any other R&B artist out there today, so the award will go to Jamie Foxx in what is hoped to be the last drips of blood from the turnip that was his ’05 Oscars win. Foxx’s Unpredictable album was actually pretty bad, but he got a pass since America’s infatuation with an African-American actor usually tops out at two years (see: Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle and any Black actor on Lost)
Prediction: Jamie Foxx

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Mary J. Blige
Mariah Carey
Keyshia Cole

Mathan: Just for clarification, are we talking about “overworked Mariah” or “regular Mariah”? Because if it’s the former I’d love to see and hear a zonked out Mariah do the acceptance speech thing. But realistically that’s not going to happen, so no Mariah. And since Mary probably isn’t going to accept in a jersey and baseball had or thank her “securtary” she doesn’t get my vote. That leaves the other chick, whoever she is. That chick gets my vote.
Prediction: Keyshia Cole

Jeff: Who the f*ck is Keyshia Cole? Oh yeah, she’s that chick who collaborated with the 10-year-old Tupac recording, and was featured on a whole slew of songs by people I don’t like (Ad Hoc Award-Demanding Trouser Stain From Harlem, I’m looking at you). I don’t see her winning anything over Mary or Mariah, so it comes down to those two. Both are having relatively good comeback runs, however, Mariah’s wackiness makes her a slight underdog. And we all know how much people love underdogs. What a minute, Keyshia Cole would be the real underdog, then, I guess. However, Mariah Carey has a much better rack. Wait a minute… on third thought, Mary J. Blige has a new “greatest hits” album coming out next month, and I think that the powers-that-be will fix this one in order for her to carry that momentum into the holiday season to sell more records. “What’s that, Jeff,” you say? “A fix in music awards ceremony? Why, I never…!” I know, I know… but it was bound to happen eventually.
Prediction: Mary J. Blige

Aaron: Might as well let my personal biases take over on this one. I’ve never really understood the allure of Mary J. Blige. Mariah Carey, over the course of her career, has done infinitely more exploiting than actual entertaining, which leaves Keyshia Cole. Those phonetically spelled Negro names have always been able to win me over.
Prediction: Keyshia Cole

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (SOUL/R&B):
Black Eyed Peas
The Isley Brothers
Jagged Edge

Mathan: Now, I’m pretty sure that the BEP have no soul at all, so why are they here? The Isleys could use this, but they’d probably have to hawk it to pay Ron’s back taxes. And I loathe Jagged Edge. Sadly I’ve got to go for the BEP. But I’m also hoping that Fergie gets all excited and loses control of her bodily functions… again.
Prediction: Black Eyed Peas

Jeff: I concur with Mathan’s assertion that the Black Eyed Peas have become a mere homogenized shell of what they used to be. They could have sold out like Common, and still made decent music, but instead, they decided to create shitty pop anthems for middle-school dances and arena football games. That said, I predict that their ubiquity will work to their advantage in this popularity contest, trumping Jagged Edge (because this isn’t 1999) and The Isley Brothers (because this isn’t 1969, and the Mr. Biggs persona is contrived and lame). Hopefully Fergie finally gets naked on stage to celebrate the 50th useless award that the group has received since she was brought in.
Prediction: Black Eyed Peas

Aaron: Anyone know whatever happened to Blackstreet? They were the R&B/soul Hootie & the Blowfish back in 1996, then disappeared, possibly as part of some government witness Skee-Location program. I loathe the Black Eyed Peas and I’m indifferent to Jagged Edge, so I’m pulling for The Isley Brothers. Probably because I still remember Warren G.’s seminal 1997 single, “Smokin’ Me Out”.
Prediction: The Isley Brothers

FAVORITE ALBUM (SOUL/R&B):
The Breakthrough – Mary J. Blige
The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey
Unpredictable – Jamie Foxx

Mathan: Did Jamie even have a second single? How did he make it on the list? Did R&B really have that poor a year? I really do dig Mary J’s voice, but I don’t want to hear her praising Jesus (and for the record I’m saying “Hay-zeus”). Thus Mariah wins my vote. Plus she probably deserves it.
Prediction: The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey

Jeff: I went for Mary J. Blige in the last one, but I think that rigging the “Favorite Artist” category will be enough to give her the push to placate that shifty Geffen label, and they’ll let Mariah Carey and her fantastic knockers take the prize that they so justly deserve. I hope that Mariah gives a really powerful speech on how she’s overcome psychological anguish to be where she is right now… blah, blah… and then whips them out. Oh God, please make it happen and I’ll go to church sometime next year. And Allah, if you are the correct deity whom I should be addressing to request such blessings, then please make this happen, and I promise I’ll go to a mosque next year, and then I will burn effigies in the street. Plus, it seems like everyone loves that Emancipation of Mimi album.
Prediction: The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey

Aaron: Well, I’ve painted myself into quite the corner here, haven’t I? Just to recap, I hated Jamie’s album, I’ve never liked Mary J. Blige and Mariah Carey has rarely, if ever, entertained me. I s’pose I gotta go with someone, so I’ll call this one for Mariah since she’ll someday come crawling back to the Black community whenever she can’t sell records anymore.
Prediction: The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Eminem
T.I.
Kanye West

Mathan: Look we all know Kanye’s going to throw a fit if he doesn’t win, let’s just give this one to him and spare us all the grief later. Deal?
Prediction: Kanye West

Jeff: Yes, if Kanye West doesn’t win this one, the entire American Music Awards loses all credibility and will be relegated to an MTV Europe Awards-level of impertinence. So, I’m going to give it to… SWERVE… with the stroke of a Crystal Waters “Gypsy Woman” (Strip to the Bone Rmx) sample, T.I. comes out of nowhere and upsets both Kanye West and Eminem! KATIE BAR THE DOOR, the South has risen again BY GAWD! People will not stop talking about this until next Thursday!
Prediction: T.I.

Aaron: Jesus. Well, Kanye West winning would probably piss off Jeff the most. Meanwhile, an Eminem win would most displease Mathan and T.I. is a steaming load to me. By picking a winner, I’m telling everyone which of my peers I’d like to hurt in real life. Please, God, let it be Eminem. Please.
Prediction: Eminem

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Black Eyed Peas
Dem Franchize Boyz
Three 6 Mafia

Mathan: I have never been more depressed to be a fan of rap/Hip-hop. I mean really. Just looking at my options is like a kick in the nuts. I’ll be bloody damned if I ever recognize DFB for anything. I already feel dirty for rooting for the BEP in a previous category so this time I’m going to have to root for the Oscar winners. I mean when was the last time you wanted an Oscar winner to win an AMA category? Never (take that Jamie Foxx)!
Prediction: Three 6 Mafia

Jeff: I hate them all. They all suck. I don’t give a flying fig if Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar… they still suck more ass than R. Kelly in a home movie. I think the Black Eyed Peas will continue to rack up the awards as people will recognize them more, and in most cases, all of the commercials they’ve been in and club anthems they’ve spawned will work in their favor. Hell, in the time it took me to write this column, I have heard “Let’s Get It Started” in both a Ford Fusion commercial and in The Simpsons. Fuck the Black Eyed Peas, though. Seriously. Go listen to Behind the Front and tell me that they didn’t dumb down their newer material for the idiot masses. Their two latest albums are like Black Eyed Peas For Dummies. If you disagree with me you are wrong.
Prediction: Black Eyed Peas

Aaron: D’ya think the red states are still in a snit over that whole “Three 6 Mafia wins an Oscar” rhubarb? Yeah, I think so, too. Good. Meanwhile, the Black Eyed Peas have positioned themselves as white America’s new favorite minstrels. You heard me. It happens every year. I call this condition the “OutKast Conundrum”.
Prediction: Black Eyed Peas

FAVORITE ALBUM (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas
Curtain Call – Eminem
King – T.I.

Mathan: Wait which was the good one? None of the above? Got it. I guess I’ll have to go for the Oscar winner… again.
Prediction: Curtain Call – Eminem

Jeff: T.I. already scored his one upset victory, so this one is between Eminem and the Black Eyed Peas. And speaking of Eminem, has he really done anything of note lately? I have a feeling that the masses will not necessarily have forgotten about him, but the Black Eyed Peas are certainly fresher in their minds, and we all know how short the attention span of the American public has become…
Prediction: Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas

Aaron: Didn’t Curtain Call come out in 2004? I mean, how long does an album maintain its eligibility? Did it redshirt during 2005? Anyways”¦ based on my earlier comments, this one belongs to the Black Eyed Peas. Let’s all hope that they follow OutKast’s lead, make a sh*tty movie and then go into a self-imposed exile.
Prediction: Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas

FAVORITE ARTIST (ADULT CONTEMPORARY):
Michael Bublé
Kelly Clarkson
Rob Thomas

Mathan: Poor Kelly Clarkson. First the whole 40 Year Old Virgin, now being nominated in adult contemporary, with these two douchebags? Kelly you’ve got my sympathy vote.
Prediction: Kelly Clarkson

Jeff: When I first heard that Michael Bublé cover of “Save the Last Dance for Me” on the radio, and I wanted to reach through the airwaves and smack the DJ that played it, and then buy an airplane ticket to Canada so that I could go to a hardware store, buy a ladder, go to Michael Bublé’s house, ring the doorbell, climb up the ladder and then kick him in the face. He’s apparently really big only in the Philippines, and let’s hope that it stays that way. As for Rob Thomas, people love him despite that fact that he is the ultimate suck that’s done nothing of quality since Matchbox 20’s first album, so the obvious choice here would be Kelly Clarkson. She’s not only denounced her American Idol roots, but she’s managed to become the teenybopper-with-an-edge that The Repugnant Cunt wishes she could be, and aped a Prince beat without making it suck balls. That and she has a nice, healthy, rotund ass, something of which we minorities just can’t get enough.
Prediction: Kelly Clarkson

Aaron: Ah, Kelly. Before that illiterate jughead, Fantasia”¦ before Ruben Studdard sweated his way into our hearts with his unique blend of neck rolls n’ back fat”¦ there was Kelly Clarkson, the singing eggplant. The odd, inverse proportion of her hips to her t*ts has since been borrowed by TV’s Rachael Ray, but Kelly”¦ sweet Kelly”¦ will always be the original to me.
Prediction: Kelly Clarkson

FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Nick Lachey
Sean Paul
Kanye West

Mathan: I honestly think that Kanye is the best qualified to win this award. If he doesn’t win than the award has lost some real luster. (wink)
Prediction: Kanye West

Jeff: Okay, okay… Kanye West finally wins, but he doesn’t really have much competition here. You have Nick Lachey, who, while I envy him for having consistently bagged Jessica Simpson for however long they were together, his songs are like the musical equivalent of a rabbit fart. Sean Paul keeps on rehashing the same song over and over again and no one seems to notice, so people love him. However, I think more people probably like Kayne West, and NO, the acquisition of Alfonso Soriano does not automatically make the Cubs a playoff contender, so stop f*cking saying it.
Prediction: Kanye West

Aaron: “Pop/Rock”? I mean, I understand how Kanye and Sean Paul could be invited to the party, but to actually be up for an award? I’m rooting for Nick Lachey here, just to hear his acceptance speech. Not really because of anything he’ll say, but just to see how far he gets before Kanye climbs the stage to try and steal the trophy à la Owen Hart at the 1997 Slammy Awards. Enough is enough, Kanye.
Prediction: Nick Lachey

FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Mariah Carey
Kelly Clarkson
Nelly Furtado

Mathan: Wait a minute? Are there really that few female artists out there? How shallow is the nominee pool? Can Kelly Clarkson be both “Adult Contemporary” and “Pop/Rock”? Is it possible that Mariah can coexist in both the “Soul/R&B” universe and the “Pop/Rock” universe? I think we need to get Stephen Hawking in on this one. Wait, if I vote for Furtado then I can avoid risking the implosion of musical subgenres? If that’s what it takes to prevent a disaster at the AMA’s I’m going for Nelly, Furtato. Nelly Furtado, not that guy from St. Louis.
Prediction: Nelly Furtado

Jeff: I’d like to give it to Nelly Furtado just because even when she sells out she still makes good music; however, I think the best bet here would be Mariah Carey, who will get yet another chance to whip out her rack if she does not to do it during the first acceptance speech. Pencil me in for a full-blown Mariah comeback…
Prediction: Mariah Carey

Aaron: Damn it. These three nominee categories are forcing me to run through my entire recycling bin of unfunny bits much faster than I’d hoped. Since I’ve got nothing left on Carey and Clarkson, I’ll have to hope that Nelly Furtado pulls off the upset here. Wait a minute”¦ that’s not the “Country Grammar” Nelly, is it? Well, then, I guess I have no rooting interest at all.
Prediction: Nelly Furtado?

FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (POP/ROCK):
Nickelback
Pussycat Dolls
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Mathan: Man, this category is just full of suck. I find the PCD to be way too arrogant for the actual talent they possess. Nickelback is like the Matchbox Twenty of rock (wrap your head around that one.) And finally the RHCP are coasting off of 15-year-old fumes. But I bet the PCD will look really smutty when they accept, so I’m giving my support to the eye candy.
Prediction: Pussycat Dolls

Jeff: While I agree with Mayth that the scantily-clad Pussycat Dolls are much easier on the eyes than the Red Hot Chili Peppers, I think that the Chili Peppers should win this due to them being the only ones that produce palatable material (although the “don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” song is a strip club anthem). This, of course, probably means that the Pussycat Dolls will. What’s that? There’s another group nominated in this category? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just see two groups and an ugly smudge… an ugly smudge that makes shitty music.
Prediction: Pussycat Dolls

Aaron: I don’t know much about any of these groups, other than what I’ve read here on Inside Pulse. As far as I can tell, we’re all supposed to hate Nickelback. I’m not sure why, but I’m guessing it’s the usual “cool indie act that became uncool just because they sold a few more albums”. If this is, indeed, the case, then I pulling for them here just to piss off all the sanctimonious music snobs. You know who you are.
Prediction: Nickelback

FAVORITE ALBUM (POP/ROCK):
All the Right Reasons – Nickelback
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
High School Musical Soundtrack

Mathan: Nickelback is what I’d say even if I only paid five cents for their album. RHCP are decent, but spread over two discs they are sub-par. Sadly I’m going to have to admit that I’m an old man and admit that music is for the kids and I’ve no business sticking my nose in it by voting for the soundtrack to High School Musical. Darn whippersnappers.
Prediction: High School Musical Soundtrack

Jeff: Oh lord, this is just dreadful. No wonder the rest of the world hates us. I refuse to acknowledge The Ugly Smudge for doing anything to benefit society, and High School Musical is just cornball. Not good cornball like Grease or Rocky Horror, but bad cornball like Evita. Red Hot Chili Peppers win by default.
Prediction: Stadium Arcadium Red Hot Chili Peppers

Aaron: “High School Musical”? Wasn’t that the Disney Channel’s made-for-TV flick? I saw all the annoying ad spots during my son’s eight hours of The Wiggles each weekday. At this point, I’m wondering if these are real awards or”¦ or”¦ sh*t, I wish I hadn’t used my Slammy Awards joke earlier. See what I mean about these three nominee categories?
Prediction: High School Musical Soundtrack?

FAVORITE ARTIST (ALTERNATIVE):
Nickelback
Pearl Jam
Red Hot Chili Peppers

Mathan: Y’know I’m for Pearl Jam, because considering their fight with Ticketmaster, and being against Bush as president (twice), I think that they deserve to win something.
Prediction: Pearl Jam

Jeff: Is there really nothing else that was released in the past year that they have to re-run both Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Ugly Smudge in every single category. I mean, yeah, My Chemical Romance and All-American Rejects are both horrid, but at least they’d break the doldrums. Isn’t there a shitload of British stuff that came out in the last year that’s good? I’m sure they could’ve thrown one of those bands in there without any jingoistic idiots getting too suspicious. After all, Michael Bublé was included, and he’s Canadian. That and he sucks. Pearl Jam’s album was probably the best in the category, but this is not based on quality, as previously mentioned. I’m going to have to go with my default pick—Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Prediction: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Aaron: So, Nickelback is both “pop” and “alternative”? I would think that those categories are on opposite ends of the sonic spectrum, but if the pro-Soviet crowd can embrace Sylvester Stallone at the end of Rocky IV, then anything’s possible. C’mon, Nickelback”¦!
Prediction: Nickelback

FAVORITE ARTIST (LATIN):
Daddy Yankee
Don Omar
Shakira

Mathan: Is anyone one not going for Shakira on this one? She’s the best thing out of Columbia since Juan Valdez. I have no idea who Don Omar is, but he either sounds like a square Muslim or a corny reggaetón performer (are they singers or rappers?). And if Daddy Yankee were Black I’d say he was a coon, but since he’s not I’ll just say that I don’t “get” him. Shakira all the way!
Prediction: Shakira

Jeff: Finally! I category for Lat… FUCK… I hate hate hate reggaetón, but normally I would have to pick it just because people seem to really love it. Sure, Daddy Yankee’s “Rompe” was the theme song for my trip to Mérida, but that wasn’t by choice—the f*ckers just kept playing it. Luckily, we have Shakira, who is not only a shoo-in to win, but she’s also a Colombian diosa who will be rightfully canonized sometime in the next decade. Consider those reggaetón jackasses “Pwn3d”.
Prediction: Shakira

Aaron: Well, I guess Fernandez would’ve been kicked out of the culture if he didn’t include this one. I still have fond memories of that Shakira Pepsi commercial from a few years back. Haven’t heard much from her since then. Hey, didn’t Diddy do a Pepsi spot during the Super Bowl back in January? How come he’s still out there?
Prediction: Shakira?

FAVORITE NEW BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST:
Chamillionaire
Pussycat Dolls
Carrie Underwood

Mathan: What really determines “breakthrough.” Is it winning a musical contest? Is it having your annoying song in tons of commercials and being over-hyped? Is it having Weird Al parody your single? I don’t know what breakthrough it, but I do know that I’m really curious what Chamillionaire is going to say when he accepts this award.
Prediction: Chamillionaire

Jeff: None of these are breakthrough artists. New artists… maybe. Breakthrough… absolutely not. Chamillionaire is terrible Nate Dogg rip-off who deserves nothing more than a kick in the junk, so he would actually be the exact opposite of breakthrough. I’m actually hoping that people can realize this. That leaves it between the Pussycat Dolls and Carrie Underwood, who is coming off of an upset win at the Country Music Association Awards. Ergo, I’m going to predict that she will keep the momentum from that and win here. However, she is not breakthrough. These awards are bullshit.
Prediction: Carrie Underwood

Aaron: Little known fact”¦ if Chamillionaire wins, then comes up on stage and sees his shadow, it means 6 more weeks of Southern dominance of the rap genre. I don’t care if that means the South will be extinct by early 2007, I just don’t want those six additional weeks under any circumstances.
Prediction: NOT Chamillionaire