MY SISTER IS IN TOWN
LOTS OF FRIENDS SHOWING UP FOR RAW
WELCOME TO
T H E
M O N D A Y
N I G H T
R A B B L E
Joining us tonight:
JEFFREY – The Turkey
BRIAN – The Craven Giblets
MIKE – Our Sweet Potato Pie
GINNY – The Cranberry Shaped Like a Can
HERNANDEZ – The Spanish Rice
JENNA – The Peas & Carrots
BILL – He’s Cauliflower
ERIC – The Yams
NIKKI – My lil sis & for no reason – The String Bean Cassarole…
Finally, your host, the delicious spiked Eggnog, Me, James Hatton.
So let’s get to Raw!
In the ring – Cena, Lashley, Kane, RVD, and Sabu… what a strange world we live in.
Cena grabs the mic and explains that everybody wants to start Survivor Series early, but he’s interrupted by Edge.
Here comes Team Ordge all in tow! Edge explains that they hositalized Piper so now they are the world tag team champs.
Orton discusses tonight’s imminent lader match, but he’s interrupted by a ‘WoO!’ andhere comes Flair, Slaughter, Rhodes, and Anderson! Now I can.
Flair explains that Edge is nothing, the Spirit Squad show up! Good God..
Kenny explains that he’s amazed Flair’s team of ‘Natural History Museum’ rejects can’t defeat Spirit Squad. Kenny explains that he is the youngest leader in Survivor Series history! They are about to give us a special cheer wheennn…
ARE YOUUU READY!
“What is this the Royal Rumble?” – Jenna
DX, Punk, and the Hardy Brothers. Shawn just gets into it and wants it right now, he wants to start ‘The Royal Rumble!’
“God, are we mic’d?” – Eric
Trips grabs the mic, ‘Lets be realistic here… you guys can beat the Spirit Squad anytime you want.. trust me, they’re easy.”
“This is like the fight scene in Anchorman.” – Hernandez
“I killed a man today” – Bill
Hunter explains that he saw Big Show in the back with an open box of twinkees. He’s never coming out. So since there are only full teams ready for action tonight… them and Team Village People (Ordge) – they should get it on. Team DX has two words for you…
Edge is sick of their two damn words….
“So does TNA… TNA hates those two damn words” – Bill
Hey, here comes the Big Show! He wants to know who Cena thinks he is. He is the captain in the most dominant team in Survivor Series. Cena wants everyone to go into the ring and find out who is the strongest?
“MVP looks like a home pregnancy test..” – Eric
All of this is stopped by Vince McMahon! He wants to know if we’ve all lost our minds!
“What are you doing.. they are paying $40 a pop tonight!” – Bill
Vince wants there to be matches with all the competitors tonight.
“That’s too many matches.. bring it down a bit.” – Hernandez
We are going to get an 8-Man Captain Tag match.
DX & FLAIR & CENA vs BIG SHOW & KENNY & ORDGE
We go to commercial.
COMMERCIAL ONE – 9:15
Coming down to the ring.. it’s Sabu!
“I’m caught in my headwrap. I’M CAUGHT IN MY HEADWRAP!!!” – Me
“You remember what happened his last time on Monday night.. he got pulled over.” – Hernandez
SABU vs. UMAGA
Bell rings and Umaga throat chops Sabu. Headbutts him. Chop to the chest.
“At this point, Sabu is just a body” – Jenna
Umaga pounds him in the corner. Sabu tries to fight his way out of the corner, but gets punched and thrown to the ropes and shoulder tackled. Sabu rolls out and tosses him in the guardrail and back in the ring they go. Umaga now throws him corner to corner, and Sabu runs out of the way off the second toss.
Sabu hits the top rope side leg, dropkick to the ankle, springboard DDT.
Sabu picks him up and eats the THUMB OF DOOM just like that.
WINNER: UMAGA
COMMERCIAL TWO – 9:23
Back in the ring, Torrie’s out there with the t-shirt gun. Lawler stands on the desk and he wants one… but instead, here comes Chrith Masthterth!
“..powdered toast man..” – Bill
Mathters gets in the ring and explains that Torrie’s got a pretty big gun..
“SHOOT HIM IN THE STEROID SAC!” – Hernandez
Mathterth splains that he’s got a ‘position’ Torrie would really like..
“The ass.” – Bill
Interruptus Carlito. He tells Mathterth he’s not cool. He makes fun of Chrith’th penis and then beats the shit out of him. Carlito then gets Torrie thanking and hugging him. As they are leaving together – Mathterth attacks… annnnd Masterlock.
“Sooner or later, Carlito would have a good hair vs hair match.” – Hernandez
And Lawler stops the Masterlock on Carlito… what a sustained feud…
Coming up IC Title – Hardy & Nitro Ladder Match
COMMERCIAL THREE – 9:31
Johnny Nitro being interviewed by Todd… Melina’s not looking horrible tonight. Nobody cares.
In the back the Spirit Squad and the rest of the team argue with Kenny.. Mikey even gets into his face.
“KISS HIM!” – Mike
Later tonight, Nikki is going to face Dusty Rhodes. In the back Ric Flair is macking on Candice, and Kenny interrupts that too. Ric Flair’s got two words for Kenny.. ‘WOO!’
“Isn’t that one word?” – Kenny
Here comes Ron Simmons wearing a shirt that says… ‘DAMN!’
The ref comes to Hardy in the back and asks for the belt to hang up for the ladder.
“That wasn’t a real ref” – Bill
“Later tonight a guy in a striped shirt will be seen running from the arena” – Me
COMMERCIAL FOUR – 9:40
Here comes Nitro… same ol entrance, now with a ladder!
NITRO vs. JEFF HARDY
Nitro is gonna be a 3-Time Champ? – Brian
“Yeah but Jeff’s been like ten time.. he keeps losing it!” – Eric
Nitro and Melina looking up to the belt.
“Just jump!” – Me
“He’s got that coat weighing him down.. and that old leather bag.. wait, that’s Melina” – Bill
Hardy comes on down, under the ring.
“Isn’t that bad luck?” – Eric
“Shades of Razor Ramon” – Brian
“Which is funny since now he can’t climb one at all.” – Eric
“Climb it? He can barely see it..” – Me
Bell rings and Hardy starts chanting for himself….
“It would make less sense if he chanted Nitro..” – Bill
“He’s chanting for Matt.” – Hernandez
Nitro kicks him in the gut. European uppercuts and punches in the corner on Hardy. He begins to fight out – punches, kick in the gut, club. Now Nitro throws him to the corner. Hardy climbs and hits the whisper in the wind!
“How does that actually hurt the other guy?” – Bill
“Scares him..” – Hernandez
“OH MY GOD A NEON THING!” – Bill
Nitro fights his way to his feet and hits the electric chair drop. Nitro now tries to bring in the ladder, but eats a baseball slide right into it, then a flying cross body over the rope onto the ladder onto Nitro…
COMMERCIAL FIVE – 9:49 (9 minutes?!)
We’re back and Nitro kis kicking Hardy out of the ring, and as Hardy climbs up and there is a shining white beaming light..
“God?” – Most of us
Nitro runs in and tips the ladder down. They now fight over the ladder and Nitro eats a step and Hardy climbs up with the ladder in the corner. Nitro runs up after him. He’s set in the superplex spot…. Hardy punches out of it and sets the ladder sideways to have it pushed in his gut and he falls to the turnbuckle.
Nitro sets the ladder in the middle and as he’s goin to climb, a missle dropkicks it right into Nitro.. nice spot
“He should monkey flip the ladder” – Bill
“It’s been done.. he should monkey flip the ring” – Hernandez
Hardy now starts climbing, but Nitro punches him down, then Nitro monkeyflips him INTO the ladder.. Hardy CATCHES IT and begins to ascend…. Nitro runs up around the other side and more ladder fights. Nitro gets to the top and standing dropkick to Hardy sending both to the ground. Wow.
“That was ballsy” – Bill
Nitro now to his feet. Throws the ladder at Hardy and takes it to set up again. He gets to the top as Hardy follows up and climbs the same side… he pulls Nitro down by the hair.
“I SAID NO!” – Hernandez
“What’s he thinking right now” – JR
“..waffles sound awesome right now..” – Me
“Not even as a food.. just as a word… wafffflesssss” – Bill
Hardy slams Nitro down onto the ladder, goes for the Swanton – but Nitro moves… WHIFF! OUCH!
“Thankfully he’s now blocking the ladder..” – Hernandez
“it’s right back to the meth for hardy after this” – Insyder soak1313
So Hardy rolls off and Nitro grabs the ladder and throws it at Hardy. Dropkick sends Hardy down again.
Nitro again grabs it, sets the ladder in the corner, throws Hardy in it hard. Nitro goes underneath the ring and comes out with.. hey.. another ladder! In the ring, neckbreaker to Hardy. Nitro sets up the ladder in the corner again…. throws Hardy… REVERSED and Nitro eats it.
“OH MY GOD.. THE HUMANITY!” – Hernandez
Hardy sets up the other ladder and they both begin climbing – and Hardy hits the flipping powerbomb!
“What is this.. Sunday? This match has been like twenty minutes” – Hernandez
Hardy climbs and drops the leg off the ladder! He sets the ladder ONTO Nitro and begins climbing! He gets to the top!
…HE GETS IT!
WINNER: JEFF HARDY
“He got his ass kicked most of that match.. thank god he won it.” – Me
COMMERCIAL SIX – 10:07
THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – 1990 – Survivor Series
Ted DiBiase introduces the Undertaker to the WWE…
“The Million Dollar Men versus The Yogi Yahooys!” – Me
Todd in the back again… with Dusty Rhodes.
“Who?” – Eric
He blathers on in a classic style promo.. that makesth me thmile…
NICKI vs. DUSTY RHODES
Duthy is Heeeah
“That is the biggest American Dream I’ve ever seen..” – Hernandez
“The American Dream gets bigger every year.” – Bill
“Lookit Dusty…hasn’t lost a bit of his wrestling shape.
Hey where’s Sapphir……………………..oooo sorry!” – Insyder Capt. Spaulding
“Look at that bionic elbow” – JR
“Yeah look.. it’s in there somewhere..” – Hernandez
“Did he steal that from Lex?” – Eric
Nicki brings him to the corner and spins out of it.
“He’s like a ninja” – Bill
Dusty goes after Nicki.
“He’s having a heart attack right now.” – Mike
“Nicki looks alright..” – Me
Nicki finally punches Dusty.. brings him to the corner. Kicks to the back of the leg finally drops him. Stomps down on that leg…. wrings it on the apron. Gets in the ring and hangs the foot on the rope and starts to stomp on it and gets pushed off over the rope.
Nicki climbs back in. Punches to Dusty. Top rope and he leaps onto Dusty but eats a punch in the stomach. Now Dusty starts with a bunch of whiffing punches… elbow to the top of the head.
“Ooooo BALLS” – Bill
Throws Nicki to the ropes and hits a back elbow. Drops the elbow solid into his chest.
GETS THE PIN!?!?!?!
WINNER: DUSTY RHODES
In the back.. Edge and Lita are making out… HEY MARIA! She’s got a question for Edge & Orton… can they win both Survivor Series AND tonight…
They are stopped from answering by a ruckus. THe ruckus is Cryme Tyme. They ghetto all over him… and Edge doesn’t understand them, but he’s ok with black men.. he’s Canadian!
So as Ordge leaves, and Maria gets left behind… NO NO NO! YOU STAY AWAY FROM THEM!
“CM Punk is standing right there going–” – Eric
“..I can’t do anything.. they are really black!” – Hernandez
“And reportedly, Maria never went back.” – Insyder BSUVincent
COMMERCIAL SEVEN – 10:24
“Hey look it’s a ball holster..” – Me
Here comes Lita!
Here comes Mickie James!
Lita grabs the mic…. oh god… no… gods… no…. Mickie has to wear a blindfold for this match.
Mickie gets her head put into a black bag…
“This is like an Al Qaeda video!” – Me
“LOOK MICKIE IS JAKE ROBERTS!” – Insyder Capt. Spaulding
LITA vs. MICKIE
Lita pushes Mickie down and they roll all over the ring, and Mickie, while blindfolded keeps her legs splayed for good measure.
Lita picks up Mickie and throws her to the corner.. kicks her down, DDTs her. Climbs up to the top turnbuckle.
“Do a moonsault and DIE!” – Eric
Moonsault landing on Mickie’s face… the end
WINNER: LITA
Lita grabs the mic and explains that she doesn’t understand the audacity of people. That she has revolutionized women’s wrestling.
“Medusa has to come down and beat the snot of her.” – Me
“DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE I BLEW TO GET HERE!” – Hernandez
“Lita has a point. Except it’s Trish’s point.” – Insyder DarkStar
So Lita announces that Survivor Series is her last match. She’s retiring the greatest women’s champ of all time..
“Didn’t she lose to Chyna so many years ago?” – Hernandez
“And look what happened to her.. maybe she’ll have to face Chyna’s Clenis” – Me
In the back. Edge watches on and Orton walks to the ring with him. They gather Kenny and Big Show and off they go.
“Shouldn’t they be in sepia?” – Bill
COMMERCIAL EIGHT – 10:36
Hey, I think you know me!
“ORDGE” – Bill
“HEY!” – Me
“HEY?” – Jeffrey
“HEY!” – Bill
ORTON, EDGE, BIG SHOW, and KENNY vs. SHAWN, TRIPS, CENA, and FLAIR
An accumulated century of wrestling… and Kenny
“WOO!” – Bill
“WII!” – Eric
“WOO!” – Bill
“WII!” – Eric
“XBOX360” – Me
“WII!” – Eric
SO Cena gets into the ring and the clusterf*ck begins. Everyone beats down on Flair and Cena… Flair runs out with Big Show and slams him into the corner. They all continue to beat down on Cena and in runs DX…
Shawn and Trips begin to clearhouse.
“The sides have almost evened up..” – JR
“Almost? It’s now even.” – Eric
“No.. Big Show still is two.” – Bill
So the good guys clear house and Edge is left in the ring in the middle of all four. Each take their shot on him. Trips slams him down…
“Edge, love this.. you have three ring generals in there.. and Cena.” – Hernandez
Big elbow from Shawn. Cena, Trips, and Shawn all do the Jesus Kick set-up for Big Show to pull him out and come on in and headbutt everyone down. Now Trips and Shawn go for a double clothesline and eat a double grab to the throat…. and then a lowblow from Flair.
“It’s like I’ve always heard. The bigger they are, the more likely it is that Ric is gonna kick them in the nuts.” – Insyder THE_Titan
A low blow from DX. A shouldertackle from Cena tosses out Show!
COMMERCIAL NINE – 10:53
We’re back and Shawn is in the ring with Orton who tags Edge. Kicks to Shawn’s back and an elbow to his face. Edge stomps him down and a tag to Kenny. Kenny continues to punch Shawn down. Pin for two.
Sets Shawn into the chinlock, and Shawn fights out of it. Shawn hits the ropes and Shawn eats a backshot from Edge against the ropes. Stomps down on Shawn and a tag to Big Show. Shawn tries to chop out of being held by Show… he’s booted to the face. Pin is stopped by Trips.
Show picks up Shawn. Tag to Kenny. Flying chop down on Shawn. Throws Shawn to the ropes and hits the shouldertackle. Kenny charges Shawn into the corner and a tag again to Edge. Elbows Shawn’s back. Knee into the back. Shawn fights up.. fights out of it… Shawn chops Edge. Goes for a clothesline – ducked – and a back facebuster. Tag to Orton who slides down in and taunts Shawn.
Shawn gets up and goes for the RKO – Shawn pushes him out of it. The long waiting crawl for the corner. Taaag to CENA! Tag to Kenny!
“RUNNING AROUND! Warrior has nothing on me!” – Bill
“..streamers.” – Eric
“Damn!” – Bill
Cena clears house – goes for the FU on Cena, but Show runs in and face boots him. Show gets set into the chokeslam – Cena leaps to his back and pushes him into Trips who hits him with the high knee and a superkick from Shawn. Cena hits the FU on Kenny!
WINNER: TEAM GOOD GUYS
Here comes everyone else for no apparent reason! CLUSTER FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!
And that is that.
“This was above par” – Brian
“More girlfights!” – Nikki
Due to circumstances beyond my control, Jeffrey will no longer be part of the Monday Night Rabble. Thank you
“Damn, Jamie put a Justin Credible out on him.” – Hernandez
“Better than the Giants game… so far.” – Mike
“My sister’s gonna have a girl” – Ginny
Due to circumstances beyond my control, Ginny’s sister is now going to be hounding me for money owed to her.. lying whore..
“Boobs.” – Jenna
Due to circumstances beyond my control, INS has collected Erik Hernandez due to an anonymous phone call.
“Due to circumstances beyond Jamie’s control, Bill will no longer be part of the Monday Night Rabble” – Bill
“Apparently I have a lot of clean up work to do.” – Eric
And that.. is the Rabble. As mentioned, I will not be here for Surivivor Series, but given the way this ending went… god knows if you’ll ever see the show again.
See you next week everybody!
