Beyoncé opens up the show with a performance of “Irreplaceable”, and she could actually come out and just dry heave for three minutes, but she’s so gorgeous that I don’t think anyone would mind. She teases some poor guy but then pulls out the drawstring from his hoodie and gives it to another guy in the audience. BeyoncOWNED.
Carrie Underwood follows up with a very good performance of “Jesus Take the Wheel”, and she’s looking a whole helluva lot hotter than usual. About halfway into the song she tears off the bottom of her dress and segues into “Before He Cheats”, and that, ladies and germs, should be YOUR Best New Breakthrough Artist winner. She’s just wasted anything that the Pussycat Dolls or Chamillionaire could feasibly pull off in three minutes.
Your host is Jimmy Kimmel, and he’s glad that everyone made it through security, especially Snoop Dogg. Each winner will be allowed 90 seconds for their acceptance speech, which really ends up being 45 seconds for their acceptance speech and 45 seconds for Kanye West to storm the stage and bitch and moan about how he didn’t win. We see a Kevin Federline look-alike dropped into a crate and thrown off of a dock. That’s mildly amusing.
The real Britney Spears is out to present the award for Favorite Female Soul/R&B Artist, and it appears as if she’s gotten her groove back. The nominees…
FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Mary J. Blige
Mariah Carey
Keyshia Cole
Mary J. Blige is the winner, and this would be her third American Music Award. They’ve shown Brian McKnight about four times already in the past fifteen minutes, so unless he does something interesting later, like kick Kanye West or that guy from Fall Out Boy in the balls, I’m going to be a wee bit disappointed. Mary thanks Our Lord and Savior Chris Benoit as well as Interscope and Geffen.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 1
Aaron: 0
The 2006 American Music Awards are brought to you by Old Navy, Kay Jewelers, T-Mobile, YJ Stinger, and Chef Boyardee Overstuft Ravioli. I may have made up some of those.
The Cheetah Girls are out to present the Favorite Pop/Rock Album and they seem to be a less attractive version of the Pussycat Dolls minus two people. The nominees are…
FAVORITE ALBUM (POP/ROCK):
All the Right Reasons – Nickelback
Stadium Arcadium – Red Hot Chili Peppers
High School Musical Soundtrack
I’d never seen the video for “Dani California”, and being a Misfits fan I should be pissed, but since you never see footage of the Misfits on TV ever, I guess I can let it slide. Plus, I don’t mind that song. Nickelback wins. This is Nickelback’s first Amercian Music Award, and hopefully their last, because they suck. Chad Kroeger looks like a giant walking talking poodle. He thought the Chili Peppers were going to win, too. I should get half credit for that.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 1
Aaron: 0
Tony Hawk is out to introduce the Pussycat Dolls, who perform “Loosen Up My Buttons”. I really don’t much like the music of the Pussycat Dolls, but I enjoy watching them perform, because it’s a lot cheaper than going to a strip club. I also don’t recall them being this hot before. Must be something in the water.
Josh Groban is out to perform a new song from his album, Awake, which is ironic, because by the sound of it, this song would be a damn good cure for insomnia.
The stars of High School Musical are out to present Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Band, Duo or Group. Their soundtrack is the best selling album of 2006. Bullshit.
FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Black Eyed Peas
Dem Franchize Boyz
Three 6 Mafia
The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and they are live via satellite from Costa Rica, where they are performing a concert tonight. It actually looks more like they’re sitting in the green room backstage. Seriously, it looks like a generic backdrop that you’d see on The Bozo Show.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 1
Mario Lopez and two random hot young’uns are out to introduce Nelly Furtado, who is performing, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME EVER, “Say It Right”. This whole thing looks like a mix between a Sprockets outtake and a recruitment video for a religious cult. There’s some beatbox guy who looks a lot like the shitstarter Lil Jon, but he’s not shouting unintelligible things at the top of his lungs, so I’m led to believe it’s not him. He seems a bit out of place in the whole thing. Meanwhile, Terence Trent D’Arby has a guitar solo, as the look-alike quota has already been met for the entire broadcast. Nelly Furtado would get the dillsnick, and FUCK… stop showing Paris Hilton. That’s exactly what she wants, you idiots.
JC Chasez is out with some chick and they’re here to present the award for Favorite Male Rap/Hop-Hop Artist…
FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Eminem
T.I.
Kanye West
…which is immediately trivialized by the lack of clips or screenshots, and further trivialized when Eminem, who wins, is not here to accept the award, and Kanye West isn’t here, either, to storm the stage and bitch and moan like a whiny cunt. They really rushed through this one, as either Terence Trent D’Arby’s guitar solo ran too long or they knew that none of the nominees were in attendance.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2
Billy Ray Cyrus is out with his daughter to thank the fans who watch his show and bought his daughter’s album, and just present the damn award already… Nominees for Favorite Country Band are Brooks and Dunn, Montgomery Gentry, and Rascal Flatts. I left this one out of the roundtable on account of none of us have much of a frame of reference. Rascal Flatts are the winners, and they (along with Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Daniel Powter, and the Pussycat Dolls) are also nominated for the T-Mobile Fake Award For Jerks, where you text in who you want to win and they apparently receive some sort of ad hoc T-Mobile award at the end. Has Diddy heard about this? If not, I’m sure he’d be upset. Good.
The black guy, the hot chick, and the other guy from Grey’s Anatomy are out to introduce Snow Patrol, as Botter’s got to be creaming his jeans right about now. Easy, JJ, just remember the time when you went to SXSW and people kept asking you about Aaron Cameron? That’ll balance it all out. The lead singer’s got the autistic kid rocking-back-and-forth thing going on. No wonder the emo kids love these guys!
Apparently, during the commercial break, Jay-Z retired again, but luckily he then came out of retirement again.
Here’s Ryan Seacrest with the LIVE American premiere of Gwen Stefani performing some song from her new album. This thing will more than likely be a big steaming pile of shit. Yep… she’s yodeling and rapping over a rehashed version of the beat from “Hollaback Girl”. All of the female dancers are wearing maternity dresses, while the men have pajamas on, and everyone’s wielding giant gold keys. ??? If this is supposed to be an homage to Shirley Bassey, I really hope she doesn’t see it, because it will cause her to die, and then after she is buried she will roll over in her grave. Good god, this is just dreadful. No wonder she’s going back to No Doubt.
Here’s Jay-Z to perform the first single from his new album, Kingdom Come, and this is a state of emergency, which sounds about right as he’s been reduced to aping Wreckx-N-Effect. Actually, I can see how this track might grow on you after a while, but athlete’s foot grows on you after a while, too, I guess. HOV is the first one to get bleeped all night, and he just got Pwn3d by the FCC.
Chingy and Gavin Rossdale are out to present the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Band, Duo or Group. The nominees…
FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (POP/ROCK):
Nickelback
Pussycat Dolls
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Red Hot Chili Peppers are the winners, and they are live via satellite from London, where they’re currently on tour. That Flea fellow is one crazy motherf*cker, as he and Chad Smith beatbox while Anthony Kiedis gives a short acceptance speech. Flea needs to be in more movies.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2
Vanessa Williams is out to present a Diamond Reflection Moment From Kay Jewelers, and it’s a clip of the Dixie Chicks from 1999. I’m sure it’s been said before, but Natalie Maines totally looks like a pug.
Flava Flav climbs out of a giant bassinet, and you can read Jamie Foxx’s lips as he says, “oh f*ck,” which is what we’re all thinking.
William Shatner and Sarah Silverman are out to present the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist. Hilarity does not ensue, so I feel robbed. The nominees…
FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Nick Lachey
Sean Paul
Kanye West
The winner is Sean Paul, and he looks an awful lot like that Kevin Federline look-a-like that got thrown off of a dock earlier.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 2
Paris Hilton is out, and she is seriously such a waste of air. She can barely read off of the f*cking teleprompter. Hell, even Jenny Jones could do that. Paris is out to present the award for Favorite Male Soul/R&B Artist, and nominees are…
FAVORITE MALE ARTIST (SOUL/R&B):
Chris Brown
Jamie Foxx
Ne-Yo
The award goes to Oscar winner Jamie Foxx, and this is his first American Music Award. He’d like to thank everyone for supporting his music career, and gives a shout out to Chris Brown and Ne-Yo, and even he can’t tell the difference between the two.
Mathan: 0
Jeff: 2
Aaron: 3
Sharon Stone and Christian Slater are out to present the Dixie Chicks. Sharon Stone has some big-time T.H.O. going on tonight. Bless her heart. Natalie Maines does not look as puggish is she did back in 1999, but it’s still certainly there. This song was a real snoozer.
Tenacious D is out to perform a song from their new movies, The Pick of Destiny. I do not find Tenacious D to be the least bit entertaining, even if they did get bleeped.
Mary J. Blige is out to perform “We Ride (I See the Future)”, a new song from her greatest hits album that’s coming out next month. I’m not too keen on this track, and let’s hope that her older hits can sell the album, because she’s seen better days. I told you the damned thing was fixed…
Brian McKnight and Keyshia Cole are here, and I hope they’re introducing Fall Out Boy so that Brian McKnight can kick the bass player in the balls. Nope… they’re presenting the award for Favorite Contemporary Inspirational (read: Contemporary Christian) Artist. Casting Crowns, Kirk Franklin, and someone else, and it doesn’t really matter, because I’m sure Kirk Franklin will… yep, I should’ve included this one in the roundtable, because I could’ve gained ground on That_Bootleg_Guy. Kirk Franklin would like to thank his hot wife and implies that you shouldn’t thank God in your acceptance speech unless you live a life without stupid, sinful mistakes. Geez, Kirk, if we wanted to be patronized we’d go to church.
Vanessa Williams is here to show us some footage of Lionel Richie from 1985, and WOW was he huge. Here’s Nicole Richie to introduce her father, and it looks like she’s finally starting to gain some weight. It’s a good start. Much like her buddy Paris, she can’t read a teleprompter for shit. He’s performing “I Call It Love”. “All Night Long” it is not, but it beats the past few performances. Good to see he finally ditched the curl, and speak of the devil, it’s “All Night Long.” Nelly Furtado, a bunch of rich old yuppies, and some hyperactive twink in the front row are all loving it.
Kirk Franklin is out with Taylor Hicks to present the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Band, Duo and Group. I’d really like to see Kirk Franklin and Jermaine Dupri fight in a steel cage, as they’re both about 4’2″. The nominees…
FAVORITE BAND, DUO OR GROUP (SOUL/R&B):
Black Eyed Peas
The Isley Brothers
Jagged Edge
The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and we see them once again at the set of The Bozo Show in Costa Rica. How many times do you have to say you’re in Costa Rica? That’s how you know it’s bullshit.
Mathan: 1
Jeff: 3
Aaron: 3
Here’s Babyface to introduce Fall Out Boy, and it doesn’t look like Brian McKnight is going to pull a deus ex machina, so it’s time for me to go take a dump.
Nickelback is out to do something… hopefully not sing. They’re here to present the award for Favorite New Breakthrough Artist, and the nominees are…
FAVORITE NEW BREAKTHROUGH ARTIST:
Chamillionaire
Pussycat Dolls
Carrie Underwood
Carrie Underwood is your winner, which gives me a bit of faith in the discretion of the masses. She must have had some sort of work done, because I don’t remember her ever looking this good. Her mother is apparently her date to the show tonight. Memo to Carrie Underwood: I could have gotten the night off. Maybe next time…
Mathan: 1
Jeff: 4
Aaron: 3
Sean Paul and Katherine McPhee are out to introduce Rascal Flatts, who are performing that miserable Tom Cochrane cover. Katherine McPhee is a f*cking goddess who got robbed.
Jamie Foxx dedicates his performance of “Wish U Were Here” to Gerald Levert and his mom. This guy can sing pretty damn well. And I’m not sure if anyone else notices it, but seeing Jamie Foxx’s body movements as he sings, it’s a pretty good Bill Cosby impression. Now do Carl “The Tooth” Williams!
Jessie McCartney and Ashlee Simpson are out to present the award for the T-Mobile Ad Hoc Whatever The Fuck It Is. Ashlee Simpson may see an obnoxious dipshit who sucks at life, but she has become hot tamales as of late. The Rascal Flatts win, and feh…
Carmen Electra is out—to strip naked, I hope. Nope… she’s going to introduce Barry Manilow, who sings a “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”/”What the World Needs Now Is Love” medley. If you also were hoping for “Weekend in New England”, we both got robbed.
Linkin Park is out to present Favorite Alternative Artist, and the nominees are…
FAVORITE ARTIST (ALTERNATIVE):
Nickelback
Pearl Jam
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Flea would like to thank the little flowers and pieces of dirt, while the other two would like to thank their families. Gotta love Flea.
Mathan: 1
Jeff: 5
Aaron: 3
Common doing a Gap commercial does not necessarily surprise me, but it’s mildly disappointing.
Jenna Elfman and Meat Loaf are out to present the award for Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album, and the nominees are…
FAVORITE ALBUM (RAP/HIP-HOP):
Monkey Business – Black Eyed Peas
Curtain Call – Eminem
King – T.I.
The Black Eyed Peas are the winners, and will.i.am says that they’re “keeping hip-hop progressive, and pushing it forward.” Now, if I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I’d be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
Mathan: 1
Jeff: 6
Aaron: 4
Tori Spelling and Clay Aiken are here to introduce John Mayer, who performs “Waiting on the World to Change”. John Mayer used to really bore me, but he’s recently been making some really interesting music. That and he’s admittedly a huge pothead who banged Jessica Simpson. I actually have to give credit to my mother for liking him all along.
Weird Al and Chamillionaire are here to let you know how the votes are tabulated, showing some bigwigs from Ernst & Young LLC. Normally I’d say that was a useless segment, but Weird Al doing the hard stare was f*cking hilarious.
The Game and Chris Brown are out to introduce Snoop Dogg and Akon, and actually, this is looks lot more like a strip clubs than the Pussycat Dolls performance. Some of those dancers even look coked out.
Frankie J and Tyrese are here to present the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Album, and the nominees are…
FAVORITE ALBUM (SOUL/R&B):
The Breakthrough – Mary J. Blige
The Emancipation of Mimi – Mariah Carey
Unpredictable – Jamie Foxx
The winner is Mary J. Blige and WOW… it sounded by the audience’s reaction that Mariah was going to win, and all three of us thought that she’d win, too.
Mathan: 1
Jeff: 6
Aaron: 4
Award presentations that were not broadcast:
FAVORITE ARTIST (ADULT CONTEMPORARY):
Michael Bublé
Kelly Clarkson
Rob Thomas
Winner: Kelly Clarkson
FAVORITE FEMALE ARTIST (POP/ROCK):
Mariah Carey
Kelly Clarkson
Nelly Furtado
Winner: Kelly Clarkson
FAVORITE ARTIST (LATIN):
Daddy Yankee
Don Omar
Shakira
Winner: Shakira
FINAL SCORE:
Mathan: 3
Jeff: 8
Aaron: 6
