The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, November 23, 2006
– Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American brethren. Good job with the Indians and everything.
– We begin with a Genesis video package set to the Pagliacchi Remix recapping LAX/AMW/Petey/Cornette, Abyss/Sting, and Angle/Joe from the PPV.
– New NWA World Heavyweight Champion Abyss comes out to the ring with James Mitchell, who refers to himself as a “proud father” as the crowd boos. Mitchell informs Sting that “it’s better to laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints” and suggests that the Stinger got into the wrestling business for the forbidden fruit, but notes that after you take a bite of that fruit “you can’t put it back on the tree”. The Devilish One states that Sting is well on his way down the “highway to hell” and assures him they’ll be waiting for him with the light on, but Sting’s music interrupts and the lights go out as someone in a Sting mask, wig, and trenchcoat runs down and chases off Abyss & Mitchell with a baseball bat. Even Don West knows that’s not Sting as the lights come back on and the mystery man unmasks to reveal Christian Cage, who wonders if he has to “dress up like a complete moron” to get his title shot. Actually that does seem to help. Cage refers to Abyss as “The Masked Retard” and questions what would happen to Sting’s automatic #1 Contendership if something happened to him before Turning Point, but the lights go out again and this time the real Sting rappels down from the rafters onto the announce table. Sting vows to go over Christian tonight to get his title shot and claims he’s in a bad mood as he chases Cage from the ring and Cage responds that he doesn’t he care about Sting’s “mood swings” nor “the plight of the three-toed sloth”, but only cares about himself and challenges the Stinger to put his #1 Contendership on the line. Sting answers with an “IT’S SHOWTIME!” (I guess that means “yes”) as we go to the Impact opening montage. Great segment and I’m still marking out over seeing Abyss with the belt as the champion.
– After the introductions for the opening contest, we see Kurt Angle arriving at the building and go to break before the opening bell, which is a welcome change.
– When we come back, a wicked promo video features closeup shots of Kazarian, Devine, & Bentley as Raven does a creepy Saw-inspired voiceover about people crying unfairly when they’ve been given all the advantages in life and promises his group will help us, whether we want them to or not. “cOMINg SOoN SEroTOniN” is written on the screen, so I’m guessing Serotonin is the name of his new flock.
– AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels vs. The Naturals
Mike Tenay notes that this is the Phenomenal Angels’ final match together as a tag team as the Naturals isolate Daniels right off the bat and knock Styles off the apron. The Naturals display some nice heel attitude as they abuse Daniels until the Fallen Angel ducks a double clothesline and the Phenomenal One soars off the top turnbuckle with a dual-clothesline of his own to wipe out Andy & Chase. Styles unloads as he and Daniels drop Stevens with a back-suplex/leaping-clothesline double-team and level Douglas with the Hi-Lo. AJ knocks Chase to the floor while Daniels slams Douglas with a standing uranage and Styles follows with the frogsplash off the top. Daniels adds the Best Moonsault Ever for the three-count on Andy and Shane Douglas looks shocked while the Phenomenal Angels celebrate. Rhino comes out to raise the winners’ hands, but AJ takes exception to his involvement recently and storms off as we see Senshi, Alex Shelley, & Austin Starr watching from one tunnel while Sonjay Dutt, Jerry Lynn, & Jay Lethal observe from the other. Now there’s a six-man tag I wouldn’t mind seeing.
– Tenay & West babble until Eric Young appears behind them wearing a half-assed turkey suit that makes him look like the malnourished inbred cousin of the Gobbledygooker. Eric spreads some Thanksgiving cheer as he waves to the fans and scampers away. So much for the big announcement.
– “Operation Cease & Desist” begins as we see a video of the Voodoo Kin Mafia in Stamford, CT, with BG referencing DX dancing with “a big fat naked oily guy” to explain the “Cease & Desist” order. As lame as these guys might be, that Big Dick Johnson bullshit is worse than anything I’ve ever seen on TNA, so THAT’S A SHOOT! BG accuses Hickenbottom, Levesque, & McMahon of sinking their Titanic as we are told that THE ATTACK!!! is yet to come.
– Jim Cornette is in the ring to introduce Petey Williams and we get the “USA” chant as Petey explains that he’s had his problems with America, but America gave him his opportunity and he realized that he had to stop LAX from burning the flag. Cornette has a rigging lowered from the ceiling so that Petey can hang the American flag and we have a nice little impromptu playing of the national anthem (to celebrate Thanksgiving, I guess?) until LAX’s music cuts it off and West cries like a baby. Cornette wonders if LAX came to return the NWA World Tag Team Championship belts they were stripped of at Genesis, but Konnan replies that they brought their lawyer to serve some papers and threatens to take Cornette and TNA Management for all the money they’re worth over the violation of LAX’s First Amendment rights. Petey foolishly tries to fight all three Latinos by himself, but LAX beat him down as Hernandez drops the Canadian’s gut across Homicide’s knee and they cover him with the Mexican flag. Konnan roughs up Cornette until America’s Most Wanted & Gail Kim run in with Gail landing a flying bodypress off the top turnbuckle on Homicide, but Konnan yanks Gail by the hair and LAX overwhelm AMW. Kurt Angle finally makes the save with a pair of release German suplexes on Homicide & Hernandez and LAX flee the scene while Angle stands tall with AMW, Petey, Gail, & Cornette, but Samoa Joe’s music cranks up and Joe walks out. Angle asks everyone to clear the ring as we go to break.
– After the commercial, Joe cuts a tremendous “respect” promo talking about his unbeaten streak and admits that he knew it would inevitably end one day, but the consolation is that it took an Olympic Gold Medalist and multi-time World Champion to finally beat him. Joe repeats his request for a rematch and Angle accepts the challenge with one qualifier: they have to watch each other’s backs until Turning Point, I guess to ensure they’ll both be at 100% for Joe/Angle II. The Samoan Submission Machine grins and nods his head in agreement. Sounds similar to the Angle/Benoit deal during the SmackDown Six days of 2002. I wonder if they’ll try to recreate that with Angle & Joe, LAX, and… AMW? Anyway, Joe looked like a star again and feels completely believable as being on Kurt’s level.
– 9:47pm: VKM’s “Operation Cease & Desist” continues with Kip driving and BG ranting about DX’s skits. 11:54pm: VKM have made it to their target, but Kip is an idiot so they end up outside a Target department store. BG claims he’s never known anybody as “godawful stupid” as Kip and we see that the video will continue later. I know I’ll lose my Smark Card (if I haven’t already) for admitting this, but BG’s reaction was kinda funny.
– Eric Young in the turkey suit is whipping the fans into a frenzy as we go to the “TNA Spotlight” with Jeremy Borash, who hypes the TNA event in Mexico this Saturday, some DVDs, and Turning Point on Sunday, December 10.
– Back in the Impact Zone, Robert Roode is in the ring with Ms. Brooks as he verbally abuses Eric Young and demands a rematch from the Preshow since Showtime cheated to win. When we come back from break, Eric emerges from the crowd to accept the challenge while wearing the turkey suit.
– Robert Roode vs. “Showtime” Eric Young
Roode attacks Eric at ringside to kick off the match and throws him in the ring, where he unloads on his former Team Canada teammate. Eric fights off a back-superplex, but Roode avoids his moonsault off the top turnbuckle and goes for a piledriver. However, Young blocks it and double-legs Roode for the un-deux-trois. Afterwards, Eric celebrates with the fans while Roode blames Ms. Brooks and claims he didn’t hire her for her body. That’s actually a neat little way to put Traci over as more than just T&A. Roode explains that he’s gone from being wrestling’s hottest free agent to a complete joke and complains that the fans hate him, but they love Eric and he suggests that Eric would win if he ran for US President. Except for that little thing about him being Canadian. Roode even thinks Eric would beat Traci in a bikini contest (oh no… please don’t do it, Russo) and storms off.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, we see footage of Kevin Nash’s “mandatory meeting” with the X Division from Earlier Today. The look on Senshi’s face and his deadpan glare into the camera as he sits at the table is absolutely classic; I bet he could get over just showing that facial expression. Alex Shelley, Austin Starr, Sonjay Dutt, & Jay Lethal are also in attendance as Nash discusses “rebranding” the division and introduces just in time for College Bowl season, the PCS: Paparazzi Championship Series. Nash explains his goal is to determine the greatest X Division athlete of all time and adds that there will be tests, but Sonjay refuses to pee in a cup for anyone and Big Kev asks everyone to hold hands in a big circle while he sings “Kumbaya”. Senshi remains seated at the table with the same look on his face and Dutt & Lethal leave the room while Shelley warns them they’ll regret it and Nash calls them “juiceheads”. Hilarious stuff, definitely better than last week’s fiasco in the men’s room. Just thinking of the “What the f*ck is this and why the hell am I here?” look on Senshi’s face is cracking me up.
– Christian Cage vs. Sting
This is announced as a #1 Contender’s match with the winner challenging Abyss at Turning Point and Jim Cornette joins Tenay & West on commentary to note that this is the first-ever Sting/Christian one-on-one meeting as Sting follows Christian down the ramp and blindsides him. In a funny moment, Sting has to help Christian out of his warmup pants before throwing him into the crowd and battering him amongst the fans as we go to break. This is one of the little things but going to break this early actually makes sense because if Sting hadn’t attacked Cage during his entrance, the break was likely “planned” for just prior to the opening bell like the other matches tonight. When we come back, Cage gouges Sting’s eyes from the apron and snaps his throat across the top rope before landing a missile dropkick off the top turnbuckle for a near-fall and choking Sting on the mat as Tenay points out that Sting is wearing a t-shirt due to the thumbtack wounds he suffered at Genesis. That’s for those of you who cried that Sting killed the thumbtack spot. Tenay announces a Tag Team Title bout for next week pitting LAX against Angle & Petey and Cornette admits he’ll be rooting for the babyfaces as Christian drapes Sting over the middle rope and stands on his back to choke him.
Christian positions Sting in the corner and pulls the t-shirt over his head to blind him while Cage chops away at his chest, but he “Stingers-Up” and no-sells Cage’s blows. Sting unloads on Christian and presses him overhead, holding him in the air effortlessly for several seconds before slamming him to the canvas and squashing him in the corner with the Stinger Splash. Sting hammers Cage and goes for another Stinger Splash, but Cage moves and pulls the referee into the line of fire so he gets flattened in the corner. The Stinger tries to hook the Scorpion Deathlock and Christian rakes his face, but Sting counters the Unprettier with the Scorpion Deathdrop and applies the Deathlock. However, the ref is still down as a large man in a hooded sweatshirt pops out of the crowd and makes the save by assaulting Sting before removing his shirt to reveal himself as “Tomko”, aka Tyson Tomko in WWE. Tenay mentions that Tomko has “solved problems” for Christian in the past as he impressively presses Sting overhead and catches him in a fallaway slam. Cornette claims that Tomko isn’t under contract to TNA as the problem solver plants Sting with the torture rack neckbreaker and stands over him triumphantly alongside Christian while Cornette exclaims that he doesn’t know what to do about this.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the show.
– Whoops, maybe not. Back to VKM’s “Operation Cease & Desist”, it’s 1:12am as BG references his military experience in Saudi Arabia & Kuwait and states now they can’t even find their car. However, Kip points ahead and we see the bright “WWE” logo as VKM have finally found Titan Towers and BG giggles: “We’re baaack!” Yeah, you wish.
Afterthoughts: An interesting note is that the program was repeatedly refered to as “Thursday Night Impact”, so that seems to rule out a move to Mondays anytime soon. Anyway, I thought this was a pretty good show. While a little light on the ring time, the non-wrestling segments all hit their mark although the VKM crap is stupid and unnecessary, but at least it was kinda funny. Christian/Sting for the first time should have been saved for PPV, but they put together a solid little “Flair/Sting Formula” main event with Sting’s press slam bringing back memories of 1990. I never cared much for Tomko and would have preferred TNA sign Matt Morgan if they needed a hulking ex-WWE guy, but this should add to Christian’s heel act and maybe Tomko will show more than he did in WWE. As for Morgan, I’d like to see him come in as Cornette’s bodyguard during the LAX angle now that Cornette is getting manhandled. Speaking of which, I like that TNA isn’t going through with stripping the tag titles from LAX by having their lawyer intervene, but I suspect that was the plan all along. I’m also enjoying Petey’s surprising push in the uppercard mix and look forward to the tag title match next week. On that note, thanks for reading and see you in the future.
