Letters from Freakloud #31: Poop Vs. Doo Doo

Columns

There’s entirely too much bitchfighting going on in rap music nowadays. Jay-Z and Jim Jones have spent the last few weeks pawing at each other like two sorority girls in a swimming pool, mounted on the backs of their boyfriends. Each impotent diss track is a soft-wristed splash in an argument to see who can get the hardest beat, to sound like a woman over.

New York City’s mainstream rap fans are in a terrible position. No matter how many metal teeth you rock, no one will take you seriously as a real nigguh (Big Shout to OG Michael Richards) if you aren’t flossing to the right soundtrack. Luckily there’s only two choices:

Option A


Jim Jones

Yeah that’s him”¦

“¦getting a f*cking facial!

Sure his single is big in the streets. But so is “Chicken Noodle (f’n) Soup” and I don’t hear nobody tryin’ to crown DJ Webstar the king of ANYTHING. Besides, we all know that the soup song is a ploy by Campbell’s to get us black folk to buy their products when we’re not ill. After Jimmy Stewart passed on, there was no other option. It should also be clear to us that Jim Jones’ attempt to bring New York back sounds an awful lot like what put Houston on top in the first place. Shouting out Harlem over those synthesizers don’t make it any less Southern, homeboy.

So yeah, that’s your first choice. A guy that gets facials and gets beat-up at basketball games. And lets not forget that he spent a good amount of promotional money from his last album trying to make it look like he was from Compton”¦

Your second choice?

Option B


Jay-Z

“¦lookin’ like a full-sized Gary Coleman”¦

If you haven’t heard yet, his latest album has apparently sold 850,000 copies in its first week. I’m willing to bet that 830,000 of the purchasers look like this”¦

Is this the constituency that you wish to be part of? My guess is no. Besides you don’t want to be represented by a forty-year-old millionaire. That’s why you don’t vote in real elections, remember?

Ultimately, you should treat these two knuckleheads with the same disdain that you reserve for regular politicians. Since, like the democrats and republicans, they’re on the same team anyway. It’s very likely that Jones and Jigga meet in the basement of the U.N. building and plot this whole thing out over tea and buttered biscuits. Just like 50 and Game, they plot the beef and book the Hilton for the press conference six months in advance. They’re shrewd businessmen, you know. Were you aware that everytime Jay-Z’s “Brooklyn High” plays on the radio it registers as a spin for Jim Jones’s “We Fly High” in industry data? I bet President Carter’s aware of it”¦

That’s enough jewel-dropping for me. I’ll leave with these two mind-numbing images. Can you tell which one is photoshopped…? Can you guess which event occurs more frequently?

Have fun.

OpenMikeEagle