The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, November 30, 2006
– We begin with a video recap of last week’s AMW/LAX/Petey/Angle/Joe angle and the TNA debut of Tomko during the Christian/Sting match before we go backstage at the Impact Zone with some nameless, clueless-looking WWE Diva wannabe interviewing LAX as Konnan accuses her of being scared of them and cuts a good promo on Petey & Angle to build up tonight’s main event. Homicide adds the machine-gun noises and LAX head out as we go to the Impact opening. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Jeremy Borash already.
– Christian Cage & Tomko make their way down to the ring to start the show off with some talking as Mike Tenay announces that Jim Cornette decided to make the NWA World Title bout at Turning Point a three-way between Abyss, Sting, & Christian. Christian formally introduces Tomko to the viewing audience (couldn’t they have at least come up with a new name for him?) as the only man he trusts in the business and complains about getting his title shot in a three-way match, but suggests that it might turn out to be a “Single Threat” match because he plans on taking out his opponents tonight. Cage infers that Tomko & Abyss know each other from way back and calls out the NWA World Champion, who walks out on the stage as James Mitchell holds him back from going any further and Cage taunts him by referring to him as a “slobbering retard”. Suddenly, the lights go out and Sting’s theme plays as a Sting dummy is lowered from the rafters, distracting Cage & Tomko while the real Sting storms the ring and chases them off with his baseball bat. Sting states that he wants to talk with Abyss man-to-man tonight and adds that he wants the Monster to come alone.
– It’s Week 2 of “Operation Cease & Desist” with the Voodoo Kin Mafia outside WWE Headquarters as BG references the DX invasion of the CNN Center back in the day and says they have two words for McMahon, Levesque, & Hickenbottom: “Please Stop.” That’s funny, I have a feeling I’ll be using those two words myself pretty soon as we are told there’s more to come.
– When we come back from commercial, we discover that during the break LAX laid out James Storm backstage and crushed him under a ladder as he does the old Ken Shamrock “internal bleeding” bit with blood flowing from his mouth. The new bimbo, who still hasn’t been given a name, tends to the Cowboy and cries for help.
– Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Chris Sabin
X Division Champion Christopher Daniels makes me nostalgic for the old 11pm Saturday timeslot from last year by joining Tenay & Don West on commentary since this is billed as a #1 Contender’s match, but Chris Harris appears at the broadcast table to announce that he’s going to hunt down LAX and takes off on his mission. Sabin takes advantage of Lethal & Dutt’s reluctance to lock up due to their prior friendship by raking Sonjay’s face and attacking Jay, but Dutt & Lethal work together as they pinball the former X Champion and unleash a series of somewhat sloppy maneuvers on him. Sabin bails out and Lethal & Dutt run the ropes until Sabin comes back in and they toss him over the top rope before Dutt rolls up Lethal for a two-count and scores another two with a small package, but Jay reverses an Irish-whip and connects with his hiptoss/cartwheel-dropkick combo. Sabin springboards in, but Lethal catches him in a uranage backbreaker into a reverse STO for two. Dutt drops Lethal with the Sonjay Cutter for two, but misses a Lionsault and Lethal slams him with the release dragon suplex. Sabin quickly knocks Lethal through the ropes and steals the pin on Dutt in classic heel fashion in an absolutely nothing match. Afterwards, Sabin confronts Daniels at the broadcast table to ask why he’s talking to “this piece of trash”, referring to West, and the Fallen Angel goes face-to-face with him until Jerry Lynn comes out to separate them while Tenay notes that Sabin is the #1 Contender to the X Title.
– Backstage, LAX have Chris Harris tied to a railing by his wrists and neck with an electrical cord as they assault him until Gail Kim arrives and they decide to flee the scene.
– 10:44am: Operation Cease & Desist continues outside WWE HQ as VKM retrieve a pylon from someone in the trunk of their car and use it as a megaphone to call out DX by their real names and McMahon: “Come out with your pants up.” Okay, that was kinda funny. To Be Continued…
– Ms. Brooks is in the crowd at the Impact Zone looking for Eric Young.
– JB hosts the TNA Spotlight to plug DVDs, action figures, and Turning Point. Why isn’t West doing this anymore?
– We get a prerecorded interview conducted by Mike Tenay with AJ Styles, who says he and Daniels will work out their problems themselves and gets indignant when Tenay suggests Rhino was just trying to help. AJ expresses his suspicions that nobody helps unless they want something and talks about his rough upbringing under poor conditions with absentee parents. I guess this is Dr. Phil after all. AJ wants to talk about wrestling, but Tenay claims this goes beyond wrestling and Rhino happens to be walking by, so he stops to tell AJ he doesn’t have the right attitude and notes they have similar backgrounds although he trusts people and AJ doesn’t. Styles doesn’t think it’s a coincidence they keep running into each other and warns him the next time they happen to be in the same place at the same time, there’s going to be trouble. It’s great to see AJ getting some character-development TV time and a match with Rhino should be pretty good, but this reeked of Russoesque soap opera and I don’t know why we can’t just get arrogant cocky-heel AJ instead of pissed-off Latchkey Kid AJ.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, we see Dutt, Lethal, Senshi, & Austin Starr lined up for their Paparazzi Championship Series urine tests as Starr wonders why Alex Shelley & Kevin Nash have been behind the curtain for 15 minutes and Alex emerges with a full cup of piss to explain what took them so long. Dr. Nash reveals that everybody’s tests were clean for anabolic steroids, but informs Shelley that he has chlymidia and announces that psychological exams will be held next week. After dismissing the other three, Dr. Nash asks Starr & Shelley to make him proud in their match tonight and Shelley promises to get not only one W, but “two of ’em” as an onscreen graphic states that the PCS starts December 10, which is Turning Point.
– Ron “The Truth” Killings & Lance Hoyt vs. “The” Austin Starr & Alex Shelley
Tenay notes that this is a Genesis rematch (without the benefit of Nash on commentary) as Shelley & Starr seem to be on the same page by attacking their opponents right away, but Killings & Hoyt turn the tables and unload on the heels. Truth drops Shelley with a wheelbarrow faceplant while Starr puts Lance in the corner and targets the leg they worked on at Genesis in a surprising bit of continuity. When Truth turns his back Austin gives him a jumping backscrape from behind, but Hoyt levels Starr with a big boot as the heels regroup at ringside and Truth wipes them out with a slingshot plancha. Eric Young is spotted in the crowd and the fans tell him Ms. Brooks was looking for him, so he heads off while Hoyt hits his leg on the turnbuckles after missing a big boot and Starr levels him with a dropkick. Starr climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Shelley tags himself in and Starr argues with him until Truth drags Austin off the top down to the floor. Meanwhile, Shelley slips out of a fireman’s carry and rolls up Hoyt with a handful of tights for the 1-2-3 but Starr brings in the PaparazziCam and shows the referee what happened, so of course the ref reverses the decision and awards the win to Hoyt & Killings via disqualification because pulling the tights always results in a DQ when the ref does catch it. Another nothing match with a stupid finish on top of it.
– Backstage, the Nameless Street Prostitute catches Ms. Brooks bitching at Eric Young to accept her challenge or he’ll be fired. Traci storms off while Eric explains that she challenged him to a Bikini Contest and tells “Leticia” (I guess she does have a name) this is the start of his “Weight Loss Voyage”. I really can’t defend this. Could this be the start of an anorexia/bulimia storyline for EY? Ugh.
– Another “SEroTOniN” video piece airs featuring quick snippets of Devine, Bentley, & Kazarian with their new looks while Raven provides the creepy voiceover promising that “We can turn you into something better… whether you want us to or not.” I’m really interested to see where this goes and hopefully this new group will interrupt the Bikini Contest at the PPV before it can even start. Please?
– We get an ad for the “3rd Degree Burns” TNA entrance music CD. Of course, it doesn’t feature LAX’s theme even though it’s probably the best song they’ve ever had. Good job TNA!
– 3:44pm: Operation Cease & Desist continues as BG tells someone on his cellphone (are we supposed to think it’s Vince?) that they know BG & Kip have been out there waiting for three-and-a-half hours. BG informs Kip that the man with the strongest will wins and states that he’s willing to stand out there all night long as we fast-forward to 1:23am with BG & Kip sleeping together underneath a Spongebob blanket outside the front doors. Kip wakes up and says he had a bad dream about “Dumb to the Xtreme” doing something with a naked oily fat guy, but BG replies that “those imbeciles actually shot that segment on their television show!” Can I puke yet? Kip wants to abort the mission (I’ll second that), but BG tells him to “buck up” because VKM are the last line of defense between segments like that and good television. As if anybody would want to, a graphic tells us we can see “More Exclusive VKM Clips” at TNAWrestling.com. No thanks. Look guys, I agree with the sentiment but this is just retarded. I was willing to give it a chance if it resulted in some WWE office gophers being embarrassed on-camera like the DX invasion of WCW, but NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED and I doubt the good stuff was saved for the website. What a useless f*cking waste of time. Where are we going with this? Worst. Impact. Ever.
– Sting walks down to the ring and calls out Abyss, who comes out by himself as West suggests that the new NWA Champion was too intrigued by Sting’s request to resist coming out. Sting asks Abyss to sit down in the chair he set up, but Abyss prefers to stand while the Stinger questions the Monster’s free will and puts him over for sacrificing his body to climb the ladder of success and finally capture the World Title. Sting admits he doesn’t know anything about Abyss’ past, but wonders why Abyss lets James Mitchell use him as a puppet and suggests maybe he’s looking for someone to lead him out of his personal pain as Tenay says Sting is preaching. Abyss sits in the chair with his head bowed as Sting asks about being his own man until Sting calls him “Chris” (RUSSO ALERT! RUSSO ALERT!) and Abyss looks up at him, but Mitchell appears cackling on the ImpacTron and Abyss reaches out to him in a nice touch. Mitchell states that his Monster is an animal like all men and suggests that Sting worry about saving his own soul before trying to save others. Abyss stands up and Sting advises him to make his own decisions without Mitchell as he leaves the ring. When the lights come back on, Christian & Tomko blindside Abyss and Tomko drops the Monster with the torture rack neckbreaker, but Sting returns to chase them off and offers to help Abyss up. However, Mitchell marches out and slaps Sting in the face before leading Abyss out of the ring while the Stinger smiles. As I’ve said, I’m a big Abyss mark and I’d like to see his backstory fleshed out so I’m interested in where this is going. I just hope it’s not another Katie Vick deal.
– Leticia interviews Petey Williams, but LAX jump him from behind and beat him down as Konnan wonders how Kurt Angle will take on LAX by himself.
– NWA World Tag Team Title: Latin American eXchange [champions] vs. Kurt Angle
Kurt is introduced as “their opponent” which would seem to rule out Petey’s involvement, but West still wonders if he’ll be able to make it out and finally realizes it ain’t happening. Angle grabs a headlock to start, but Hernandez backs him into a corner and Angle slaps him in the face as he breaks. Hernandez grabs his own headlock and shoulderblocks Angle down, but Angle catches him off the ropes with an overhead belly-to-belly and Hernandez tags Homicide, who goes right after Kurt with punches. Angle reverses an Irish-whip and drops Homicide with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker before getting SERIOUS and pulling down the straps. Angle lifts Homicide for the Angle Slam, but Hernandez clips his knee out and the Notorious 187 targets the leg as he tags Hernandez. Samoa Joe marches out to stand on the apron while Homicide catapults Angle toward Hernandez, who launches the Olympic Gold Medalist with an overhead belly-to-belly for a two-count as Tenay recalls the deal Kurt struck with Joe last week. Joe leads the fans in rallying behind Angle as he breaks out of Hernandez’s chinlock with a back-suplex and makes the hot tag to Joe. The Samoan Submission Machine unloads on LAX with an enzuigiri on Homicide and the inverted atomic drop on Hernandez, followed by the one-foot dropkick and the senton backsplash. Joe snap-powerslams Homicide and blocks the Cutter before countering into the Kokina Clutch while Angle applies the anklelock on Hernandez, but Jim Cornette appears and calls for the bell to rule the match a no-contest since Joe isn’t a contracted participant in the bout. West infers that LAX’s lawyer had something to do with the decision as Konnan and his attorney argue with Cornette. Meanwhile in the ring, Angle shakes Joe’s hand.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes the program and somehow makes it look like there was some actual wrestling on the show.
Afterthoughts: This was such a bad show I’m almost speechless. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for the first time since I’ve been watching TNA I’d say that RAW was actually the better show this week. Coming from me that’s pretty bad, although from what I saw of RAW it was better than usual this week. I can deal with the bait-and-switch main event since it made sense for LAX to attack Petey and at least we got to see Angle & Joe team briefly for the first time ever, but the damn match lasted less than five minutes and had a pretty retarded finish. The only positives for me were LAX’s backstage assaults, promo time to establish the issue between AJ & Rhino, and the Sting/Abyss story which I dig as Sting fights his own inner darkness while reaching out to another tortured soul, but it won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Other than that, unless this bullshit attracts the mainstream/casual fans (and looking at RAW’s ratings during WWE’s two-year creative slump, it might) Russo needs to go and he needs to go now. Horrible stuff.
