MGF Presents The Saturday Swindle Sheet #134

Welcome back to The Saturday Swindle Sheet.

This has been a pretty busy news week, and yes, I do have links to the Britney Spears crotch shots if you’ve not already seen them, but that, obviously, is down in our “The Most Ridiculous Item of the Week” segment. So, I’ll completely understand if you feel compelled to shoot down to the bottom of the column, but just remember to come back up here.

Let’s get right to it…

BLURBS OF THE WEEK

Axl Rose booted The Eagles of Death Metal from their supporting spot on the current Guns N’ Roses tour, last Friday night during their first concert together in Cleveland. According to witnesses, while the crowd was creaming their jeans over Sebastian Bach‘s set, the subsequent set by The Eagles of Death Metal was met with a much cooler—at times seemingly indifferent—reception, although apparently by the end of the band’s set, the crowd was cheering. That was not enough for Axl, though, who at the start of Guns N’ Roses’ set told the crowd, “So, how’d you like the Pigeons of Shit Metal? Don’t worry, that’s the last show they’re playing with us.” Axl was apparently not done, though, as he kept on disparaging the band throughout G-N-‘R’s set, had someone in the front row kicked out during his band’s first song, and kept glaring and shouting at the sound engineer, calling him “useless.” What a f*cking douche. Getting back to The Eagles of Death Metal, a local journalist in attendance at the show suggested that perhaps the crowd didn’t “get” the band. The Eagles of Death Metal, a side project of Queens of the Stone Age‘s Josh Homme—who was not at the Cleveland show—is known for a tongue-in-cheek tone, reflected in their look and music. “The audience seemed to be confused [during The Eagles of Death Metal’s set] as to who the joke was on. They like their metal unironic. Numerous songs slipped into falsetto, and if you’re a purist heavy-metal fan, falsetto isn’t good.” The following Monday, the band released a statement, saying, “At first the audience refused to welcome us to the jungle, but by the time we took our final bow, it had become paradise city, … Although Axl tried to November rain on our parade, no sweet child o’ mine can derail the EODM night train. We say live and let die.” While Eagles of Death Metal lead singer Jesse Hughes told reporters that he thinks Axl is jealous of his Orange Goblin-esque handlebar moustache, he also recounted that G-N’-R bassist Tommy Stinson got upset by Axl’s onstage ranting about Eagles of Death Metal. “Tommy Stinson took his bass off, threw it down and went, ‘Fuck you, that’s it!’ to Axl. And then Axl picked the bass up and threw it at [him].” While G-N’-R’s manager says that that is a lie, it would certainly be feasible and consistent with Axl Rose’s behavior throughout the night, not to mention the past year. … Helmet will be opening for Guns N’ Roses for the remainder of the tour dates for which Axl decides to show up.

Plans for a museum dedicated to the Swedish pop group ABBA were announced earlier this week in Stockholm, by a group of event consultants who have worked with the group throughout the years. The museum, which is scheduled to open in 2008, will feature group attire, instruments, handwritten lyrics, awards trophies and plaques, and several interactive features. According to Stockholm mayor Kristina Axen Olin, the museum will be a major for the city’s tourism industry, as it’s projected to bring in an additional half-million visitors per year. When asked to comment on the new ABBA museum, Kanye West lashed out at Mayor Axen Olin, saying that a Kanye West museum would have been a much better idea, would have cost a million dollars more, and would have even had a cameo by Pamela Anderson. Before storming off, he finally added that the lack of a Kanye West museum in Stockholm takes away from its credibility as a global tourist destination. Oh, I beg to differ, Kanye, as Stockholm is one of the only places in the world where one can buy, not only caviar, but also pâté, mayonnaise, mushrooms, bacon, cheese, hard-boiled egg, shrimp, and herring… in paste form… IN A TUBE.

If I’m guessing right, after reading that last sentence, most of you have already started to pack. Kalles brand caviar paste (left), along with many other foodstuffs, comes in a metal tube not unlike toothpaste of yore, and is commonly squeezed onto Wasa bread (right) or crackers as a snack.

In other Pamela Anderson-related news, she has filed for divorce from singer Kid Rock after citing “irreconcilable differences.” The two had been at Universal Studios honcho Ron Meyer’s house with several other people for a private screening of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which features a recurring cameo by Anderson as the object of the Borat character’s affection. Kid Rock apparently was not at all amused, and according to a witness, “started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, ‘You’re nothing but a whore! You’re a slut! How could you do that movie?’ in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing.” While it is a commonly known fact that Kid Rock is an angry and insecure peace of shit, he… yeah, I actually don’t have a counterpoint, so yeah, Kid Rock is an angry and insecure piece of shit.

Rapper Nas has teamed up with Papoose to speak out against NYPD officers after a controversial incident in which they fired a barrage of bullets into a vehicle in Queens, killing a man and wounding two (possibly three) others. The officers, who had been sitting in an unmarked car, unloaded 50 rounds in all (one of the officers even reloaded) into the group’s vehicle following an accident in which their car was hit, and they claimed the driver was trying to get away, while another had flashed a gun. … In a much more entertaining Nas-related story, his baby’s mother recently told reporters for some tabloid that Beyoncé had shown romantic interest in him before she had started dating Jay-Z, but Nas turned her down because of her chronic halitosis. In a world where even a woman who had her face bitten off by a dog can get a face transplant, I find it hard to believe that Beyoncé wouldn’t be able to get (and afford) some sort of treatment for that if she does, in fact, have it. Sounds more like either Nas was just mad that his rival Jay-Z landed Beyoncé instead while he was relegated to Kelis-duty (not that bad of a duty, but not Beyoncé-duty, either), or Nas’s baby’s mamma made up the whole thing so that she could make it into my column. Well played, Nas’s baby’s mamma…

In other Jay-Z-related news, he will be interviewed as part of Barbara Walters Presents the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2006, which will air Dec. 12 on ABC. Barbara Walters, if you’re reading this, which is highly unlikely but possible, please do ask him about Beyoncé, and if she has halitosis. Inquiring minds must know, and plus, it would make for some great television.

The Billboard Music Awards (a.k.a. The American Music Awards Part Two) will be broadcast this Monday night on Fox. Since it’s going to involve virtually all of the same people (Mary J. Blige, T.I., Jamie Foxx, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rascal Flatts, Nickelcrap, et al.) as the American Music Awards did a couple weeks back, we will not be doing a roundtable or a report feature. That and because I have to work on Monday night.

In conjunction with the release of their DVD, The Videos 1989-2004 (which will suck, no matter what Tom D’Errico says), Metallica will be offering fans a chance to win a trip to San Francisco, where the person will be given the opportunity to meet the band and tour their private studio. Attention Metallica fans… if you are able to win this contest, and then when you meet the band you smack Lars Ulrich in the face, I will personally pay to have you flown out to Chicago, where I will buy you a drink and slap you a high-five.

Greg Page, lead singer of the popular Australian children’s group The Wiggles told reporters on Thursday that he would be leaving the group after having been diagnosed with orthostatic intolerance, a condition causing frequent bouts of dizziness, fatigue, and nausea. While the condition is not life threatening, Page said that it would be too difficult to continue jumping around singing and having to deal with monstrous children while suffering from the symptoms of it. Page’s understudy, Sam Moran, was informed later in the day that he would be replacing Page as the guy in the yellow shirt. Moran narrowly beat out Jhang Ming-liang—the yellow-shirt guy for the Taiwanese Wiggles—who got so angry that he roundhouse-kicked the Taiwanese Wags the Dog. Now that’s just uncalled for…

Sure, they look like really good friends here, but because of the Taiwanese yellow-shirt Wiggle and his uncontrollable rage, the Taiwanese Wags the Dog is going to need to have a new snoot sewn onto his face.

Elton John was forced to suddenly stop in the middle of a performance in Brisbane, Australia, so that he could go backstage to puke; he had been feeling sick before the performance, and after leaving for about five minutes, he returned to finish his set, which lasted for another 45 minutes. “I thought I’d better chunder in the toilet (rather) than all over the front row,” he told the crowd.

Cradle of Filth will be offering North American fans a special VIP package for the band’s upcoming 14-stop tour, at an additional $30 per person. Fans carrying the VIP pass will not only be granted early admission to the show, but will also receive a free t-shirt, a signed photo, and will get to attend a meet-and-greet with the band after the show. The tour will kick off Jan. 23 in Sayreville, New Jersey and wrap up Feb. 9 in Calgary.

Athens-based Black metal band Rotting Christ have postponed their scheduled North American winter tour after running into “bureaucratic problems with obtaining visas” from the U.S. Consulate. Maybe I’m not completely informed on the situation, but what’s the big f*cking deal here? The whole problem with the Cuban musicians not being granted visas stunk to high heaven, but that’s because the government hates Castro. What was the reason behind keeping the Greeks out? Is it that they don’t want too many 24-hour diners and sleazy nightclubs popping up?¹ The Greeks have seriously been one the most unthreatening global entities since being Pwn3d by Mehmed II back in the 15th Century. Or is it because they’re called Rotting Christ? That would be even more ridiculous. Either way this is bullshit.

Ryan Adams has posted eight new albums on his Web site, some of which were recorded under different names. DJ Reggie is Adams’s rap persona, while he records hardcore material under the names of Werewolph and The Shit (love it). Most of the material is original, though some notable covers include Creed‘s “Higher” and Shania Twain‘s “You’re Still the One”.

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

First, we thought that Britney Spears had made a move to better herself and her image by losing 175 pounds of dead weight. However, it seems that she’s befriended Paris Hilton, and is adopting Hilton’s habits of publicly acting like an idiotic slut. Over the past week, paparazzi have snapped photos of Spears inadvertently showing off the goods, more than likely because she’s been drinking copious amounts of vodka and snorting copious amounts of coke like her new buddy. First, Spears showed off her blue panties while getting out of an SUV with Hilton earlier in the week, then decided to go out again with Hilton, this time sans panties (NOT WORK SAFE pics here and here). Also during the week, she was photographed with her boob hanging out at a party, and once again with her snatch showing as she was getting out of a car (at which time she looked so ripped that Courtney Love would have cringed). Now, as much as we all (yours truly included) wanted to see Britney Spears’ snatch, these were not the circumstances under which this was supposed to happen. She was supposed to dump Federline, then she was supposed to NOT become friends with Paris Hilton. Then, after trying to relaunch her career—and not being able to sell as many albums as she could when she was 18 years old—she would accept an undisclosed, yet exorbitant amount of money to pose for Playboy. By that time, we would have all forgotten about Federline, and Paris Hilton will have died of either a heroin overdose and/or complications from chlamydia.

Cheers
-JF2k6!

ENDNOTES

¹ or, “I thought the only export prohibited from Greece was bareback wrestling.”