This will be quick & dirty — and LIVE from Pulse Wrestling Headquarters — as PK’s cable went down suspiciously right at the start of tonight’s ECW pay per view; Daniels, Matthew, GRUT and Shawn M. Smith will be helping me with coverage. Here we go…
LIVE from the James Brown Center in Augusta, GA (and The Mango in NYC)
Match 1: MM’s Coverage of Matt & Jeff Hardy vs. Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro
– Where else will you find a RAW and a SD wrestler team up to face… another RAW and SD team? Ah yes, ECW it is.
– For some reason, the house lights are staying ON throughout the match; so much for the ONE thing that makes ECW productions look different.
– Ironic spot of the match: MNM have Jeff set up for a slingshot into the turnbuckle, but Jeff jumps up onto the ropes, and hits MNM with the Whisper in the Wind, after which the rather quiet crowd erupts.
Winners – Jeff pinned Johnny after a swonton onto both MNMers
Match 2: GRUT’s Coverage of Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
– Before the match, RVD gives an interview hyping the elimination chamber. Little late, huh?
-Striker comes out first. He gives his typical bs interview. He’s wearing a pink sweater vest. He’s killing time, bitching about the elimination chamber. He seems to have been at this for 2 minutes, going on three. Jesus, this isn’t going to end. Striker makes it extreme enforcement of the rules. No doing violent or interesting stuff during the match, making it like every other WWE match in the past 5 months.
– Balls comes out. He points at the crowd and does a double “I LOVE YOU” sign with his fingers. Some fatty in the crowd does it back. Awesome.
– The match begins and I hate Shawn Smith. I know I used to plug him a lot, but I was just being nice. What a red headed piece of whorish shit. His girlfriend keeps looking at me. She wants me. I know she does.
– Lock-ups and tie ups and rope breaks until Striker throws a punch. Balls hits the post. Striker drops his ass on Balls’ arm. Hair pull to the mat by Striker. Crowd is booing Striker, who is still working on the arm. Another butt drop on the arm. Arm bar into arm DDT. Arm pound. Throw into the corner… arm first. Then Balls punches Striker. They roll around a bit. Man this match is taking a long time.
– Balls to the top rope, but Striker shakes the ropes. Fujiwawawa armbar by Strike. Balls tries to make it to the ropes. HE DOES! HOLY CRAP, HE MADE THE ROPES! BREAK THE HOLD! BREAK IT! Balls with a backdrop/comeback with punches and Balls chants. Ballzbomb ends it for Balls.
– Thanks for sharing this time with me. This show is not very good, but wait until you read my exclusive interview with a mystery guest next month or the month after if I have time.
Winner – Balls Mahoney
-Someone attacked Sabu. I’m guessing it was Kelly Kelly.
Match 3: Ssquared’s Coverage of Terkay/Burke vs F.B.I.
Sylvester Terkay/Elijah Burke head to the ring. They look ridiculous. As it turns out, wearing the colors of the German flag to the ring is pretty EXTREME! So is dating GRUT, who is known to “toss salads” better than half the guys on Cellblock C.
(The Mango is PACKED tonight. There are people hanging from the rafters. All of them thought that joke was terrible.)
Some bad cover of “No Sleep to Brooklyn” comes over the P.A. Evidently, that is the music of the Full Blooded Italians. They have about 40 minutes to kill, so that isn’t too good of a sign.
I must take this moment to mention Broken Dial. Music is EXTREME! Extreme also sang “More Than Words” on Pornograffiti.
-A lot of wrestling is going on. I won’t lie, we are rotating coverage because this card sucks. My girlfriend might be covering the next match, but she and GRUT went out for a cigarette and haven’t come back yet. I have nothing to worry about.
-FBI lost. I really wasn’t watching. Widro was sneezing and stuff, and if you have never heard him sneeze, it’s adorable. Really, it makes me smile.
-“That’s called a Muscle Buster!” No it wasn’t. Joey Styles is pretty bad and I never noticed. I love him, I do, but CM Punk is on the screen and he looks dreamy. Too bad he doesn’t do drugs. We could cuddle and smoke bowls.
Winners – FBI
Match 4: MM’s Coverage of Shawn Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer
– Khali’s at ringside — NO WAIT, he’s gone. (But don’t worry, he came back after the match to choke-toss dreamer onto the STEEL stage.)
Winner – Daivari with an EXTREME roll-up.
And Daniels takes over for the EXTREME preview of the See No Evil DVD. I’m just taking this over, so I don’t know how many times people have used the EXTREME joke, but I don’t care.
Paul Heyman tells Bob Holly that he’ll be replacing Sabu in the Extreme Elimination Chamber. Earlier tonight, Widro said this is going to be the worst PPV ever. I said that was a bold statement. I’m starting to wonder.
The parade of guys who should be on Heat continues as Mike Knox (w/ Kelly2) vs. Kevin Thorne (w/ Ariel).
Match 5: Daniels’ Coverage of Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorne and Ariel
If anyone here ever wondered what PK looks like, he looks like Mike Knox.
In other news, this is a mixed tag match, adding a little bit of extra awful sauce on top of a heaping helping of awful.
The only way this match will be good is if I pretend Knox is PK and Kevin Thorne is Alex Lucard from Beyond the Threshold. Now it’s funny.
PK starts with the armbar which Thorne easily escapes. The Soh Cah Toa sign actually forced me to take a quick Google break so I could remember what part of course three this was supposed to make me remember. If anyone else is annoyed by not being able to remember, Soh-Cah-Toa is “an easy way to remember sine/cosine/tangent for a right triangle. The sine of an angle is opposite over hypotenuse, the cosine is adjacent over hypotenuse, and the tangent is opposite over adjacent.
Back to the match, some stuff happened and now the women are in. Kelly officially gives the people in the crowd someone in the match to root for. Ariel is also a special kind of ugly. In a SHOCKING turn of events, Mike Knox turns on Kelly, turning his back on a tag and throwing her to the wolves”¦ or the vampires as the case may be. Due to the offensive power of the partner turn, Ariel shoves Kelly down and pins her by sitting on her face.
Kelly gets attacked post match by the Ariel until Sandman’s music hits and he makes the save. Kevin Thorne gets himself a solid caning followed by Sandman drinking some beer.
Winner – Ariel pins Kelly with the face sit.
Next up is some backstage stuff with Heyman, Holly, Test, the Bashams and Big Show — Heyman’s got a shit-eating grin as they walk backstage. Also Rebecca interviewed Lashley and some video segments were shown. And don’t forget: Sabu’s OUT, Holly’s IN.
Match 6: Widro’s Coverage of the ECW Championship Match in the Extreme Elimination Chamber — Big Show vs. Test vs. Holly vs. RVD vs. Lashley vs. CM Punk
– Heyman’s in the ring, talking his legacy up — Hulkamania will die with Hulk Hogan, the “woooos” will die with Flair, but long after Heyman’s death, ECW will live on, etc., etc. (as fans shout things like “Where’s the Franchise?!” and “Shut the f*ck up!”)
– The Extreme Elimination Chamber (of Secrets?) lowers”¦
– Big Show comes out first, and chooses the “pod” that has the barbed-wire baseball bat; Punk’s next and gets locked up with a steel chair; Test is next, and he chooses Devon Storm as his weapon (Matt’s joke, not mine); and finally it’s Lashley and the table. That means Holly and RVD (coming out in that order) will be starting things up”¦
– RVD finally gets his title shot, and shows the excitement by doing his best Spiderman impersonation — with some fun spots, but a lot of filler as they kill five minutes until CM Punk (and the chair) gets released from the chamber to a huge pop, takes out Holly and goes toe to toe with Van Dam, who’s soon busted open.
– Punk looks good, but who’s career would you rather have right now – Punk or Samoa Joe?
– Test (with the crowbar) is out next and he attacks RVD’s bloodied head. RVD gets his hands on the chair, hits both guys with neck surgeries in their past (Test and Holly), then Van Daminator and Frogsplash on PUNK for the first elimination!
– Test suddenly pins Holly, and he’s out, so RVD goes on top of Big Show’s chamber to go for the frogsplash, but Show holds onto his legs, Test hits him with the chair, throws him to the mat, and then TEST does a Macho Man elbow off Show’s pod onto a CHAIR on RVD for the 1-2-3, and recovers waiting for the next man in: Lashley.
– But Heyman’s security knock out the ref that’s trying to unlock the pod, and Lashley can’t get out — so he uses the table to bust through the TOP of the pod, and beats on Test, eventually pinning him with a spear.
– There’s about a minute to go, so Lashley keeps slamming weapons into the Big Show’s pod to get to him, but the time expires, and here’s the Big Show and his barbed wire bat.
– It’s 10:15 and Widro finally comes out with the quote of the night”¦ “I hope this goes for another half hour” — alas, at 10:16 the match ends as Lashley becomes your NEW ECW World Heavyweight Champion via pinfall after a spear!
Winner — Bobby Lashley
Wow.
