The Impact Short Form, 12.07.06

Well, I’m back.

Well, technically, I’m still here. It’s just that the last week has been one royal bitch, starting off with the blizzard that I had to drive through last Thusday night, which put me in NO mood to do Impact when I got home late on Friday morning. That malaise carried through to sleeping all day on Saturday, which eliminated Smackdown as a possibility, to not really having slept a wink from Sunday evening to Wednesday afternoon, which eliminated everything else. When one is busy, one is busy. Besides, I read the reviews of December to Dismember. Talk about a disincentive. And now I want to get back into this, get on track, etc., and I’ve got this, Smackdown, and getting my entry in for Turning Point within the next twenty-four hours. Jack Bauer’s a pussy compared to me.

You know, you wouldn’t even have this right now if I hadn’t got up to take a piss after only a few hours of sleep, and then right after my bladder was emptied, my phone rang, which kept me up enough to put on some coffee. I think that at this point, the pissing will be more effective than the caffeine at keeping me awake long enough to knock this out.

Memo to my fascist bud John King: I think I’ll talk about that on Tuesday, since I’ve gained expertise in that area as well.

And one more thing: I told the guys in the Super-Secret Writers’ Forum that I wasn’t going to talk about Heyman until more facts were in. Right now, all that’s speculation. And the retard who edited the Wikipedia entry on him to say TNA signed him is yet another reason why I hate wrestling fans.

On with the show…

Match Results:

Petey Williams over Homicide (Pinfall, sunset flip): Too short, far too short. This either needs to be on PPV or Williams needs to do a guest shot in ROH. This one needs desperately to go twenty and be on a bigger stage than just being a set-up for the Sheremetyevo/AMW feud. And Kudos to Gail Kim for the combo of white dress and maroon belt/boots. As a Polack and a U of C grad, I’m pleased greatly.

There’s a NAFTA joke to be made here, but I’m resisting because Homicide is Puerto Rican. Maybe someone more ignorant of Hispanic culture could do this.

Low Ki over Eric Young (Pinfall, Warrior’s Way): This was a PPV Pimp Match for a bikini contest. Sometimes the word “worthless” is insufficient to cover the situation.

No matter how much Low Ki tries, there’s just no way to get rid of Eric Young. He’s like a cockroach.

Kurt Angle over Abyss, Samoa Fuckin’ Joe, Christian, and Sting, Clusterf*ck Excuse For A Main Event Match (Pinfall, Angle pins Joe, Angle Slam): I knew there would be trouble when, after the intros, there were only seven minutes left in the show. I didn’t think, though, that they’d only give this match four and a half minutes. Yes, they only have an hour, but they’ve done decent PPV Pimp Matches before. I never thought they’d short a match with five participants (six if you count Rhiyno, seven if you count Tomko’s interference) this badly. Two matches to pimp, and less than four and a half minutes? Is Russo flashing back to Shock TV or something?

Welcome to TNA, Kurt

Angle Developments:

Well, that’s not exactly “tagging together”, so they’re keeping their deal

If he wants to hit brain tissue, he’s going to need deep-core drilling gear

So what is the Mexican national anthem? “Give Me Back My Hubcaps”?

Well, I’ll actually try to go great guns this weekend and get everything done. So you’ll have to put up with this until such time as I can rest. Enjoy and see you soon with Smackdown.