The Chrononaut Chronicles: TNA iMPACT! – Thursday, December 14, 2006
– First, I have to comment on the excellent Christmas episode of The Office to follow up last week’s great seasonal offering from My Name Is Earl, which I neglected to mention was probably the best episode of the series. Jim talking down to Dwight, the rivalry between the party committees, Creed stealing a donated gift, Michael not being able to tell which Asian waitress he was supposed to be with (“It’s one of those two”) and marking her arm when he finally found out, then being able to laugh at himself over it for the first time ever, and Oscar’s “Too soon” cameo at the end were some of my favorite moments. Great character development, logical storyline advancement, intelligent writing, and humor that’s insanely funny… The Office is just an amazing show.
– Kurt Angle is on the move backstage calling out Samoa Joe’s name when he finds Jeremy Borash by the photocopier. Good Ol’ JB, makin’ copies! Jeremiah Springfield, demoted to copy boy! The Borashinator usin’ the photocopier! Angle grabs JB by the lapels and slams him up against the wall as he orders JB to tell Joe he’s looking for him and storms off. Borash’s bugeyed expression is classic.
– We go to video recaps from Turning Point of the Abyss/Sting/Christian three-way and Joe/Angle II as the bastardized version of Trans Siberian Orchestra’s “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” from the PPV plays in the background. Thanks to Eric S. for pointing out the actual song used here, although it is a medley of “Carol Of The Bells” and “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” so technically I was still right. Haha!
– Robert Roode is in the Impact Zone with Ms. Brooks and demands that Eric Young come out because he has an offer he can’t refuse, but Kurt Angle marches down the ramp instead and orders Roode & Brooks to get out of his ring. Angle adopts a vaguely heel tone as he rants about how it’s driving him nuts that he tapped out to Samoa Joe on Sunday and demands his rematch, but Joe appears on the ImpacTron and recalls that Kurt himself said last week that “win, lose, or draw” Turning Point would be their final match. The Samoan Submission Machine notes that they both have their sights set on the NWA World Heavyweight Championship and states that as much as Angle wants a rematch, “I’m sorry, Kurt, we’re done.” Angle leaves the ring while Don West recounts the Olympic Gold Medalist’s words from last week, but Angle hears him and completely snaps as he yanks West out of his seat and throws him on the floor. Angle cinches in the grapevine anklelock on West while Mike Tenay screams bloody murder and TNA Security arrive on the scene as we go to the Impact opening. Great performances and delivery from everybody involved, even West as he resisted the urge to tap out which always looks stupid in a non-match setting. Angle was believable as a man on the edge of his sanity (insert your own smarky jokes here) and Joe was perfect as the calm, confident winner who has nothing left to prove. Tremendous opening segment.
– After the Impact opening, Tenay is already calm, cool and collected as he laments what happened and West writhes in agony on the floor. Angle apparently disappeared in the 15 seconds the opening montage lasted, just in case anybody out there didn’t know this show is taped. Would it have killed them to still have Angle out there and actually show TNA Security dragging him off?
– Non-Title: Ron “The Truth” Killings vs. Abyss
Tenay flies solo on commentary as Truth outmaneuvers Abyss to start and fires off some punches, but the NWA World Champion shoves him back into the corner and misses an avalanche. Killings slugs away and hits an enzuigiri before clotheslining Abyss over the top rope and soaring out himself with a nice somersault dive over the top while Sting is shown watching from the rafters. Tenay wonders if Sting has gotten into the Monster’s mind and mentions the “seed of dissension” between Abyss & James Mitchell as we go to break. When we come back, Abyss rams Truth into the ringsteps as we see a quick recap from “Moments Ago” of West being carried out after Angle anklelocked him. Back in the ring, Abyss avalanches Truth and clubs away at his head in the corner before choking him across the middle rope while Mitchell barks orders at ringside. Truth slips out of the Shock Treatment and levels Abyss with the spinning forearm off the ropes, but Abyss avoids the Axe Kick and grips Truth for a chokeslam. However, Truth fights out and knocks Abyss down in a corner with a heelkick to set him up for the springboard falling headbutt to the groin for a two-count. Abyss bails out to the floor and Mitchell scolds him until Truth slides out and chases the sinister minister, who runs into the ring as Killings follows Mitchell in and runs right into the Black Hole Slam from Abyss for the three-count. Good basic match just crying out for more time.
– Jim Cornette joins Tenay on commentary as we go backstage to Leticia with Tomko & Christian Cage, who threatens to do the same thing to Leticia that Angle did to West and issues an ultimatum to Abyss to grant him his one-on-one rematch by the end of Impact or his “dirty little secret” will be revealed. After Cage & Tomko head off, Leticia finds Ms. Brooks ordering Eric Young to sign the contract with Robert Roode Inc., but Kurt Angle interrupts and Traci runs away while Kurt demands to know where Samoa Joe is and drops Eric with a stiff forearm uppercut as we go to break.
– A quick Serotonin video without voiceover leads us to believe they will be on Impact next week.
– Courtesy of Paparazzi Productions, we have Event #2 in the Paparazzi Championship Series: a Push-Up Contest using the world-renowned “Bob Backlund System”. Kevin Nash makes Jay Lethal go first (“Because you’re black.”) and Lethal notes that Backlund isn’t there, but Alex Shelley claims he’s there in spirit. Austin Starr does his push-ups one-handed with Sonjay Dutt’s ass in his face, but when it’s Senshi’s turn and Lethal wonders why Dutt doesn’t stick his butt in his face, Senshi just stares a hole in Dutt (no pun intended, honestly) and he doesn’t do it. Shelley does his push-ups next and then it’s Sonjay’s turn, but he appears to have shoulder problems as Nash needles him about a “Barry Bonds tricep injury” and sticks a sign on his back that reads “I’m On Steroids”. Nash declares Lethal the winner and invites the other competitors to kiss the winner as Shelley slowly approaches Jay and claims there’s something in his eye. The PCS Points Standings after two events put Senshi in 1st place with 8 points, Lethal in 2nd with 7, Starr in 3rd with 6, Shelley in 4th with 5, and Dutt in the basement with 4 points. Hilarious, laugh-out-loud stuff and the perfect opportunity for that Backlund comeback I talked about in the WWE 24/7 Legends Of Wrestling recap.
– Non-Title: Petey Williams vs. Christopher Daniels
Tenay touts that every champion in TNA is in action tonight and announces that West was taken for x-rays as a precautionary measure while Cornette states that it is “inexcusable” to attack a TNA broadcaster and promises repercussions for Kurt Angle. Meanwhile, Petey & Daniels go through some good chain-wrestling and Petey snaps off a tilt-a-whirl headscissors as Daniels rolls out to the floor and slides back in before Petey can slingshot out. Tenay also explains that LAX will defend the NWA World Tag Team Championship in a “Title Vs. Team” main event against AMW with the stipulation that AMW will disband if they lose as Petey hits a dropkick, a spinning heelkick, and a huracanrana for a two-count, then cradles Daniels for another two and throws chops. Petey whips Daniels chest-first into the turnbuckles and runs off the ropes, but the X Division Champion catches him in the STO and drives him into a corner with a flying knee. Cornette & Tenay talk about the baseball players at Turning Point while Daniels works over Petey’s back with knees and an elbowdrop for two, but Williams battles out of a head-and-arm submission and Daniels bodyslams him. Daniels goes for the Arabian moonsault, but Petey gets the knees up to block it and follows up with a slingshot chestcracker as Chris Sabin comes out in street clothes to grab the X Title belt and enters the ring. Sabin prepares to whack Daniels from behind, but Jerry Lynn runs in and snatches the belt away as Sabin bails out. Daniels gets up and sees Lynn with his belt so he cracks him with an enzuigiri to regain the gold, but Williams rolls up Daniels for the non-title upset. Afterwards, the Fallen Angel is pissed off as he argues with Lynn and a couple of referees keep them separated. I’m guessing this will lead to a Daniels/Lynn/Sabin/Williams four-way at Final Resolution or maybe two singles matches. Either way it should kick ass and it’s great to see Lynn involved in a storyline again.
– Backstage, we get a nice ass shot of Leticia (alright I’m sold on her, she’s pretty hot) before we see Kurt Angle with referee Slick Johnson in the anklelock on the stairs as he rants about Samoa Joe.
– A video airs with clips of the Voodoo Kin Mafia’s DX parody from Turning Point as BG says they heard Vince McMahon wasn’t too happy with it and wonders how it’s any different from the DX “invasion” of WCW or the Billionaire Ted skits. BG believes that Vince takes credit for what they built and reiterates the $1 Million Challenge as he explains that all Vince has to lose is “a pint or two of your son-in-law’s blood” and adds that he should just admit it if he’s scared. I like me some Vince bashing, but where the f*ck is this leading?
– Tenay & Cornette discuss VKM as Cornette notes that some people in Stamford have no sense of humor and no sense period, but they’re interrupted when Kurt Angle marches out and drags ring-girl So Cal Val into the ring. Angle stands on Val’s hair and threatens to hurt her if he doesn’t get his rematch, but Cornette steps in to convince Angle to let her go and explains that the way Samoa Joe’s contract is written, he can’t force him into any singles matches. I guess Joe’s signed a new contract since Lockdown, where the angle was that Larry Zbyszko forced Joe into a match against Sabu. However, Cornette can do tag team matches so he offers to put Angle & Joe on opposite sides of a tag bout next week and points out that Kurt could have the opportunity to convince Joe “Olympic-style” to grant him a one-on-one rematch. Angle is skeptical but Cornette stakes his life on it, so Angle accepts. I’m digging the “Kurt breakdown” angle but it feels like we’re blowing through it all in one show.
– A video recaps the LAX/AMW Flag Match at Turning Point before we go to JB with AMW & Gail Kim as Chris Harris has his eye bandaged and talks about the horrible feeling of hearing the Mexican national anthem at the PPV. The Wildcat adds the only thing worse was having his integrity questioned by his partner, but he explains that they’ve had their heart-to-heart and promises that nothing will stop them from regaining their gold tonight. James Storm admits he apologized to Harris & Gail and claims the only way they’ll disband is over his dead body.
– NWA World Tag Team Title – Title Vs. Team: America’s Most Wanted vs. Latin American eXchange [champions]
Konnan is locked in a cage at ringside and Tenay notes the irony since Cornette was in that position many times throughout his managerial career as the two teams start off brawling around the ring and Homicide (with a bandage wrapped around his head) gnaws on Storm’s forehead while Harris rams Hernandez against Konnan’s cage and exchanges words with K-Dawg. Storm fights back against the Notorious 187 and Harris punches Hernandez on the floor as we go to break. When we come back, Hernandez clotheslines Harris in the ring and tags Homicide, who nails the Wildcat with a seated dropkick while Hernandez holds him in a camel clutch and Cornette announces that next week’s big tag team match will be Angle & Rhino vs. Joe & AJ Styles. That should be pretty cool. Homicide jabs away at Harris’ bandaged eye and Hernandez lifts him in an electric chair as the Notorious One climbs to the top turnbuckle, but Harris fights out of it and tosses Homicide off the top into Hernandez before making the hot tag to Storm, who unloads on Homicide with a powerslam and an enzuigiri. However, the referee didn’t see the tag and tries to stop the Cowboy, but Storm shoves him away and superkicks Hernandez which Cornette calls a “Lumberjack Kick”. Never heard that one before. Storm finally returns to the apron while Gail Kim shouts encouragement at Harris and Homicide drags him back to LAX’s corner. Meanwhile, Storm brings in his beer bottle and Homicide retreats, but Storm turns and smashes the bottle in his own partner’s face. Gail asks why and Storm leaves the ring while Homicide pins Harris to retain the NWA World Tag Team Championship and disband AMW. Afterwards, Konnan is released from his cage to celebrate with LAX while Gail tends to Harris and Petey Williams confronts Storm on the ramp as we go to break.
– When we come back, we see a replay of the end of the match and some backstage footage of a pullapart between Storm & Petey. I’m probably in the minority, but I wouldn’t mind seeing that match and I think Petey & Harris could make a solid tag team.
– Christian Cage comes out with Tomko and notes that Abyss’ time is up to accept his challenge so he prepares to reveal the Monster’s “dark past”, but Abyss lumbers down to the ring and clotheslines Tomko over the top rope after Cage bails out. Christian tries a sneak attack, but Abyss no-sells it and drops Christian on his face before Tomko levels the NWA World Champion with a clothesline and pounds him on the mat. Abyss gets back up and grips Cage around the neck, but Tomko drags Cage out to the floor while James Mitchell instructs Abyss to attack the referees so he punches Earl Hebner, drops Rudy Charles with the Shock Treatment, and plants Andrew Thomas with the Black Hole Slam. Cornette steps in to restore order and Abyss grips him by the throat, but the lights go out and when they come back on, Sting is in the ring to convince Abyss to let Cornette go. Abyss goozles Mitchell instead and releases Cornette, but Abyss releases Mitchell when Sting leaves the ring with the NWA Title belt. Abyss pulls at his own hair in frustration while Sting stands at the top of the ramp with the gold.
– The “Adrenaline Rush” video recap closes Impact.
Afterthoughts: This was a strong storyline-driven show with more wrestling than we’ve gotten over the last few weeks of TV. Angle’s ongoing hunt for Joe was a good hook throughout the program and he showed a great heelish intensity by roughing up everyone he came across. Next week should be interesting since Joe & Styles will be partners (I think for the first time in TNA) and the match should be pretty good if it’s given a bit of time. I’m still digging the Sting/Abyss/Christian deal and we finally got the AMW breakup they teased for months. I’m intrigued to see what they do with Storm & Harris from here, as well as LAX since it frees them up now to move on to another feud. All in all I think they did a good job this week of advancing several different angles at a better pace than usual.
