The Triple Threat Short Form, 12.14-16.06

Okay, so now it’s the lettuce…

This is no surprise at all. When the news about the food poisonings came out and Taco Bell was declared the culprit, I automatically assumed it was the lettuce. Lettuce was, by far, the most obvious candidate. It surprised me when the feds started pointing fingers at the green onions. It really didn’t make sense to me. But now they’re saying it’s the lettuce, and all’s right with the world, unless you’re one of the people whose devouring of a Nachos BellGrande got you worshipping the porcelain throne for a few days. Make a run for the border and a run for the toilet while you’re at it. Montezuma’s Revenge, indeed.

Well, the old Triple Threat is making a reappearance this week. The reason for that is simple. ECW was broadcast in the US on Saturday this week. However, there’s a nice little confluence here. You see, Impact is broadcast in the US on Thursday. Smackdown is broadcast in Australia on Thursday (US time). ECW is broadcast in Great Britain on Thursday. Torrents for all of them were available on Friday. So, I stocked up, and am able to get this up before the final show in the sequence is broadcast (this week, that happens to be ECW). Also, due to the server problems earlier this week, Auld Bloggie isn’t being responsive for posting, so I might as well just put these together so that others can get the section front page.

So, luxuriate in a little old school for this week, for next week we return to normal.

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Abyss over Ron Killings, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Black Hole Slam): The amazing part is that they were able to make Abyss look strong and yet not make Killings look weak. They have a very hard time doing that with Abyss matches in general. Of course, Killings right now is somewhere between a JTTS and an upper-mid-carder…well, actually, he’s one or the other depending on Russo’s mood.

Here’s a good acid test for all of you: if Killings ends up in WWE, we’ll know that the Outlaws cleared their little angle with Vince and/or Trip before they started. Killings is too good of a pal of Road Hogg for Vince to let him in the door if there’s real heat between the split factions of DX.

The only kind of flight Killings takes. At least he can carry his pot on him this way.

Petey Williams over Christopher Daniels, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Petey Williams is pioneering a brand new sort of wrestler: the Bystander. He’s slightly involved in a rather detached way with the whole Sheremetyevo/AMW situation, and now he’s played a critical role in advancing the Daniels/Lynn angle. He’d better get a shot at the X Division title for this, or there’s no justice. Of course, there is no justice in TNA, so the title’s going to be going into the blender among Daniels, Lynn, and Sabin, with no Petey present.

Hmmm, three guys…do I smell an Ultimate X coming on?

At least with Daniels and Williams, we know this is a set-up for a ‘rana, unlike with certain people on Smackdown

Homicide and Hotstuff Hernandez over Chris Harris and James Storm, Title Versus Team Match (Pinfall, Greco-Roman Beer Bottle): Okay, so now we have the AMW break-up, when no one gives a shit or wants them to stick together. And the lines have been drawn. It’s James Storm as heel, Chris Harris and Gail Kim as faces. Two problems with that: 1) Harris sucked as a solo face during the Nashville days and 2) Kim as a face is still an iffy proposition. Oh, well, let’s see where we go from here, and let’s see who Sheremetyevo gets as their next opponents. In other words, who does Petey Williams tag with?

I’ve been tempted to do that to my employees a number of times

Angle Developments:

Unfortunately, this doesn’t cause death

What’s next, Kurt? Barefoot and pregnant?

Black-On-Black-And-White Violence: With Slick Johnson AngleLocked and Hebner, Charles, and Thomas laid out by Abyss, that means that the entire ref roster jobbed on one show. Where’s Mike “Dropkick” Posey when you need him? Oh, yeah, he’s in ECW. Forget that option.

Normally, this would lead to a three-on-one handicap match

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and James Yang over Mister Regal, Mister Taylor, and Novocaine Helms (Pinfall, Yang pins Helms, moonsault): Damn, there goes one Round Table prediction down the shitter. I predicated Yang winning the CW strap on his having Zidian in his corner, and she got released. Then they have to give Yang the pinfall on Helms, and we all know what that means for the PPV.

Here’s an idea: instead of having a PPV Pimp Match, let’s really do a throwback. Ditch Team Twink Porn, add Shannon Moore and Jamie Noble to the match (Moore’s not doing anything in ECW, and WWE finally remembered Noble was still on it last week), and do a full-blown Triple Threat between the Blue Bloods, the Yung Dragons, and Helms and Moore. At least that might be fun. PPV Pimp Matches never are.

Break, break, break that twink!

Mattsy-Poo over Joey Mercury (Pinfall, Twit Of Fate): I thought Matthews was headed over to ECW. What’s going on? Hey, if you can’t trust the Internet rumor mill, who can you trust?

Thank God that Mercury pulled him down by the leg

The Undertaker and Kane over Montel Vontavious Porter and FudgePacker, PPV Pimp Match (DCOR): Don’t care about either of the PPV matches. Don’t care about this one. Just want loss of life, blood, and flesh on the parts of the heels.

Kane carrying someone…that’s an unusual sight

Chavito over Sho Funaki (Pinfall, frog splash): Well, yet another PPV Pimp Match, with poor Funaki as the overlooked party. Nothing to shout home about, really. In fact, I can’t come up with anything to say about it. I’ll wait and see who gets the strap on Sunday, and it had damn well better be Chavito…yes, I’m rooting against Benoit. There’s a higher principle involved here, even higher than Our Lord and Savior. Chavito must win, and must win dirty.

Stagefright? Vertigo? Fear of the giant fist being animated by Eddy’s spirit and striking him down? Who knows?

Vito over Sylvain Grenier (Pinfall, rollup): Are Vito’s dresses wash-and-wear, drip-dry, or dry-clean-only? It’s very important from a logistical standpoint, you know.

That would actually fit well into my wardrobe

John Cena over Dave Fuckin’ Finlay, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, F-U): Thus proving the maxim that an Irishman always wins in Bahstun unless there’s another guy from Bahstun in the ring. I could stand the result except for one thing: did Cena really need to no-sell Finlay’s finisher? That’s a pretty bush-league way to treat a guy who has shouldered a lot more of the load on this load of a show over the past year than anyone could have rationally expected him to. There’s a reason why I nominated Finlay for Best Male Wrestler (and Comeback of the Year) and not Cena.

Finlay’s pissed because Patrick won’t give him the go-ahead for the full execution

Angle Developments:

Boy, does he have a lot to answer for

Will both of you just shut the f*ck up and die already?

Like all parts of a hog, a pig’s tongue is inspected for wholesomeness along with the rest of the head, then cleaned and scraped after removal. It’s not disgusting if you know what goes on, Mizanin. And did High-Quality Speaker Boy really make a Land of the Lost reference?

THE ECW SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Test over Rob Van Dam (Pinfall, rollup): Another watchable match from Test. ECW is doing some good things for some people. Just not for the right people in the right way, that’s all.

Nice of them to let Van Dam get some offense in, for all the good it did

CM Fuckin’ Punk over Bob Holly (DQ, Scott Armstrong Actually Enforces A Five-Count): Let’s hope that what might possibly be the silliest ending to a match in recent memory (Enforcing a five-count? In ECW?!) is the set-up for some more matches between these two. I love Punk to death, and I love Holly for so many reasons: perserverance in the face of crap angles and aborted pushes, his recovery from that infection that nearly killed him, and the fact that he doesn’t varnish who he is in the ring; he’s simply an asskicker/shitkicker, is proud of it, and is good at it. I want to see them being given PPV length (a PPV match at this point is impossible given the fact that both will almost certainly be in the Rumble Match and that Punk’s destined to get the title at Wrestlemania). The only problem here is that Dave Lagana is in charge now, and he’d be reluctant to do that, even to two guys in ECW’s upper card. Heyman would have done it at the drop of a hat.

Normally, I’d be all “You can’t do this to a Chicagoan” and stuff, but Holly would slap the taste out of my mouth if I sassed back to him

Tommy Dreamer over Shaun Daivari (Pinfall, Dreamer DDT): Daivari’s back to speaking Farsi and wearing a djeballah to the ring. Oh, yeah, Lagana’s in charge.

This is still a minor mental disconnect

Bobby Lashley over The Disguised Doug and Danny Basham (Pinfall, Lashley pins one of them, Dominator): Ah, a good old-fashioned squash to end the show. Are they really that insistent on turning ECW into WWF Superstars? If so, why?

At this time of year, some people take extraordinary measures to clear their sinuses

Angle Developments:

Sometimes the puns are just too easy

Okay, let’s close this puppy and get on to Armageddon. Check out the Round Table this weekend, server permitting, and join us back here on Tuesday (you can ignore Vinny’s column if you’d like) for the aftermath.

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