Wow, the fifth pay per view — just counting WWE and TNA — in five weeks, and while this one may compete with last week’s TNA Turning Point as the best inside-the-ring show, a big question to ask is how many fans will have the energy (and room on their cable bills) to actually order and watch the event? That being said, Pulse Wrestling is here for you — with our predictions in the form of the below roundtable (comment below with your own thoughts on how you think the show will go!), and full coverage of the event tonight.
Here we go…
How to Eat Fried Worms Match
The Miz vs. Boogeyman
Eric Szulczewski: It was inappropriate and unnecessary for Kurt Angle to break Samoa Joe’s undefeated streak. It is both necessary and appropriate for Boogey to do the same with Mizanin. It’s also both necessary and appropriate for Boogey to break more than just Mizanin’s streak. Let’s start with his legs and move up from there.
Winner – The Boogeyman
Matthew Michaels: This is being played for comedy, and I have no idea where they’re going with this. Logic (?) would say that Boogeyman gets used to put the newer, younger guy over, but who knows anymore? I’m still waiting for Boogeyman to form a tag team with Scotty 2 Hotty, so”¦
Winner – The Miz
Iain Burnside: I ate some bad pancetta earlier and had a very
memorable moment on the toilet soon afterwards. This match may well
surpass even that quivering flood in the excrement stakes.
Winner – I’ll say THE BOOGEYMAN because Lance Henrikson would want it that way
Vinny Truncellito: They’ve established that the Miz is terrified of the Boogeyman. Therefore, Boogey wins. Why he’s so scary is beyond me, but maybe he’s like the Big Show, and television just “doesn’t do him justice”. Yawn – what’s in the fridge?
Winner – Boogeyman
WWE Tag Team Championship
WWE Tag Team Champions Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. William Regal &
Dave Taylor
Eric Szulczewski: Oh, I’m going to pay for having three title changes, at least one of which is going to be wrong. However, they’re doing the same routine with the Blue Bloods that they did with Team Twink Porn when they were chasing MNM. The difference here is that heels cheat, and can these guys cheat. Okay, so I’m biased in favor of the Brits. Or maybe I’m biased in favor of the verifiably heterosexual. Whatever. I want them to win, and I honestly think they will. Yes, that’s all three titles changing hands, but sometimes you just have to flush really hard.
Winners and New Champions – The Blue Bloods
Matthew Michaels: I think The HooliganZ are keeping the belts this time around, but the feud’s not ending here and (unless they do something bold like combine the two tag championships or something stupid like put the belts on the Brothers of Destruction), these are the only two “real” teams on Smackdown, so I expect the match to end with a quick win by London & Kendrick, followed by a heelish beatdown that will keep things going at least up to the Rumble. Maybe by No Way Out, McCool and her overgrown indie guys will be back, or maybe even Gymini”¦ or who knows, maybe we’ll get the return of the Jung Dragons?
Winners – The HooliganZ
Iain Burnside: Good to see we now have yet another contender for DAVE
status now that Batista has lost the privelige. Privilege? That word
has always been a bit of a blind spot on my personal spell check.
Anyway, home decorators, hair stylists and chat show hosts on the TV
have been striving to assure the world that heterosexuality is but an
option for a long time and Team Sparkly Keks have obviously been
paying attention. Sarah Conner is about to conceive John. She kinda
looks like Jon Bon Jovi though. It’s a blurry, blurry, blurry world.
Winners – The triumphantly multisexual PAUL & BRIAN
Vinny Truncellito: It might make things interesting to go ahead and swap the belts here, especially if there’s a malfunction at the junction between the champs (possibly due to ogling Ashley?). This would give the Hooliganz a little tensi on, and freshen the tag scene a bit, with rematches and title swaps aplenty down the road.
Winner – Regal and Taylor
Cruiserweight Championship
Cruiserweight Champion Gregory Helms vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Eric Szulczewski: The fake redneck, I like. The real redneck, I loathe. ‘Tis the season to be fake. Besides, who has the tits with him at ringside?
Winner and New Champion – James Yang
Matthew Michaels: This can be match of the night, and hopefully with only seven matches on the card it will even get some time. I love the way Yang works, and his character has been hilarious. Sure, Amy’s been canned, but Jillian and Layla are backstage with nothing to do (and I bet Kristal would love the opportunity to be moved away from Boogeyman), so maybe we see a new diva-partner for the former Akio and a win to boot.
Winner – Jimmy Wang Yang
Iain Burnside: How does one wang a yang? Is it easier than yanging a
wang? Let’s invent verbs.
Winner – Aw, hell, leave the dunging thing on GREGORY HELMS
Vinny Truncellito: It’d be cool for the sake of continuity if they leave the Cruiserweight title on Helms until Royal Rumble ’07, so he can complete the entire one-year run as champ. Yang offers nothing as champion now, anyway.
Winner – Gregory Helms
United States Championship
United States Champion Chris Benoit vs. Chavo Guerrero
Eric Szulczewski: I normally don’t pick against Benoit except under duress, influence of total logic, or influence of drugs. However, I think that now’s the time for Chavito. He’s got Vicki going full guns and established as an interventionist, enough so that her interference will prove to be crucial.
Winner and New Champion – Chavito
Matthew Michaels: Chavo’s gotta win this one, and the rematch at the Rumble — a ladder match maybe? — should hopefully pass the torch to Chavo that maybe should have gone to him much earlier in the year.
Winner – Guerrero
Iain Burnside: Jeff Jarrett held the US belt in WCW for 84 days
between January and April 2000. That’s the same number of days Eddie
Guerrero managed in WWE in 2003. Chris Benoit will have reached 68
days by the 18th December 2006. 84 minus 68 is 16. I’m writing this
on the 16th December 2006. IT ALL FITS!
Winner – One less than classic, CHAVO GUERRERO
Vinny Truncellito: I really think it’s getting to be the eleventh hour for Chavito. It’s time to pull the trigger and get him higher on the card, while he’s still got some momentum and some gas in his tank. Benoit’s above the US strap anyway.
Winner – Chavo Guererro
Last Ride Match
Undertaker vs. Mr. Kennedy
Eric Szulczewski: I don’t care if they keep pushing that cocksucker. I don’t care if I keep losing points here because of that. I want the fudge packed tight into the limo. Then I want the limo placed into a car crusher and turned into a cube so small that it becomes a singularity, thus forcing what’s left of FudgePacker out of our Minkowski framework.
Winner – The Undertaker
Matthew Michaels: I’m not sure it matters who wins this match, but Kennedy’s been getting a huge push with two wins and lots of heat against The Undertaker (even though a DQ win isn’t exactly pinning someone clean in the middle of the ring), and Taker’s being rumored for a possible World Title program heading into Mania, so this feud’s about to wrap up. I think Taker has to win this, but I expect him to make Kennedy look like a million bucks.
Winner – The Undertaker
Iain Burnside: What the hell is a Last Ride Match? Does Taker like
riding the horseys? Is it more fun than when he slid down the slide?
Does anybody get that reference anymore? I saw Batman sending a text
message and I took a photo of Batman sending the text message and he
coughed.
Winner – He’s got the touch, he’s got the power, he’s L’UNDERTAKER
Vinny Truncellito: Undertaker’s mystique is not only durable enough to take the hit, but it can also be utilized to truly “make” Mr. Kennedy. That is, if they’re truly serious about elevating him to the next level.
Winner – Mr. Kennedy
Inferno Match
Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) vs. Kane
Eric Szulczewski: The only person allowed to win “his” match in WWE is the Undertaker. We’re still trying to figure out whether or not UT’s match is Buried Alive, Casket, or Last Ride.
Winner – The Buck Rogers refugee
Matthew Michaels: Three Inferno Matches in the past, and Kane’s yet to win one? Sorry, but it’s time, and MVP’s just not the right guy to push on Smackdown. Move him out of this role, please, and give it to Monty Brown. Thanks!
Winner – Kane
Iain Burnside: They finally bother themselves to bring back this match
gimmick and they waste it on Porter? It’s a bigger travesty than not
sucking Jeff Jarrett’s penis!
Winner – Cuddlier than Jason, less pretentious than Freddy, it’s KANE
Vinny Truncellito: Can’t imagine Kane putting over MVP at this stage of the game. The Big Red Machine will come out on top in this one. Plus, MPV’s ring gear seems tailor-made to protect him from the fire”¦
Winner – Kane
RAW & SD Champs Team Up Match
World Heavyweight Champion Batista & WWE Champion John Cena vs. King
Booker & Finlay
Eric Szulczewski: I think this year I’ve seen more of John Cena than I have of my own dick. And my dick is about a hundred times more entertaining and better-looking.
Winners – Your World Title-Holding Faces
Matthew Michaels – So… do they go with Batista turning on Cena, heading towards a cross-brand match for Wrestlemania (possibly even one pitting the two top champs against each other)? Or is this an opportunity to give Finlay a win over Batista and set up a SD title match for the Royal Rumble? OR will they just pander to the marks and have Cena and Batista win to send the fans home happy? Well, the smart thing to do is plan for the future, but since I have no confidence in that, I’ll just say Batista wins, once again pinning Booker (no reason Finlay should HAVE to job here, and I can’t see them continuing the Booker/Batista feud much longer), and the more interesting happenings will occur after the match is over (my two best guesses are either having Taker come out and do the “I’ve proven all I have to prove, and now want the title” hand motion by his waist… or having friction teased between Dave and Cena).
Winners – Dave Batista and John Cena
Iain Burnside: Thank goodness there are so many PPVs they can get
bored enough to try and peddle one on the back of a house show main
event. It means that we can more easily identify those unworthy of
oxygen by checking their cable bills and seeing who paid $40 for this
show. Then out comes the fury in all its raging ways…
Winners – The ’80s waistband tandem of DAVE & JOHNNY
Vinny Truncellito: The two champs are gonna stay strong, and Vince’s pet project (Codename: Cena) will be on the winning side, as usual.
Winners – Batista and Cena
Don’t forget to check out Vinny’s Alternate Reality tomorrow at noon to see how we did with our picks, including a year-end total… and Roundtable Champion crowned!
