No chance in Hell”¦
PLUS: Armageddon Roundtable results and year-end Roundtable totals.
There is a distinct social caste structure in professional wrestling promotions. With the clear boundaries between main-eventers, mid-carder, and curtain-jerkers, it can take a lot of time, effort, and fan reaction (be it positive or negative) for a character to move up the card. The stigma of not being a main event guy can haunt a performer and influence the way the audience views said grappler, even if he possesses all the tools to succeed at the main event level.
TODAY’S ISSUE: “Upsetting” the status quo.
Some performers are always at the top of the card, or could re-ascend to that level any time they want, like the Undertaker and HHH. Certain guys have the good fortune to remain near the main event after clawing their way to the top, like Bret Hart and Mick Foley. Other wrestlers, regardless of how hard they work or what sacrifices they’ve made, never seem to make it quite that high, or have a short brush with main-event status before settling back into their previous position. Think of Chris Benoit and Shelton Benjamin.
The problem with such a strict system of assignments for wrestlers’ “spots” is that it just about kills the excitement of watching a match between wrestlers at two different points of the food chain. Case in point, on the 11 December episode of RAW, former Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro faced reigning WWE Champion John Cena in the main event. Nitro did plenty of damage to the champ, and it seemed he had the match won. But unfortunately, Nitro is so clearly beneath Cena in the pecking order that he never had a chance at victory, even if he had hit Cena in the chest with a cinder block and sewed his shoulders to the mat with concertina wire.
This fact was apparent from the moment the match was announced, so there was never any excitement for the viewing audience. Cena controlled the match early on, and then the heat segment began when Nitro escaped an attempted F-U with a rake of the eyes. After Nitro scored a significant amount of offense, including the requisite immoral heel attacks on the outside, he locked Cena into a sleeper-body scissors combo. But Cena is such a stud that even being squeezed around the neck and chest by a 200-pounder who’s built like a brick shithouse wasn’t enough to slow him down.
After Cena countered his way out of the hold, Nitro slapped on a second sleeper, which STILL failed to put the champ away. Battered, beaten, and half passed out, Cena suddenly shrugged off all the effects of Nitro’s attack, looking one hundred percent healthy to make his “Superman comeback”, which is bad psychology even while taking control of the match. Cena should have sold the previous attacks by acting hurt and a bit dizzy as he regained the advantage. After less than 60 seconds worth of shoulder-blocks, clotheslines and the “You Can’t See Me” elbow, Cena hit the F-U for the pin. The result was so predictable that it was a disappointment, although it was anything but unexpected.
Where does it say that to look strong, the babyface champ can’t EVER lose, even in non-title matches? While holding the title, regardless of the odds against him, and regardless of the beatings he takes in the ring, John Cena never loses. He always comes out on top, and to beat him, the heels are usually forced to cheat. Is Cena McMahon’s new Hulk Hogan? Between the unrealistic domination of opponents and his movie role, he seems to be the new chosen one. If he is, it makes RAW much less exciting to watch, because the booking is so predictable, there’s almost no sense in the champ wrestling at all, except in big pay-per-view main events against challengers who have enough stroke to stand a chance of winning.
I know what some of you are thinking: WWE doesn’t even bill itself as “professional wrestling”, so why am I getting all caught up in the phony competition side of things? Who cares about wins and losses? Even if you accept McMahon’s homespun genre of “sports entertainment”, half that it is still “sports”. One of the biggest appeals to sports fans is watching a contest to see what happens instead of letting the stats speak for themselves. A 1-7 football team can upset a 7-1 team on any given Sunday, which is why they play the games to begin with. If the underdog had no chance at all to win, then the teams wouldn’t even bother to suit up. But in sports, you never know what might happen once the bell rings, the whistle blows, or the umpire says, “Play ball!”
So within the storylines, why couldn’t a big, strong, talented kid like Nitro step up his game when given the opportunity, and take advantage of a champion who’s overworked, constantly under pressure, and who travels all over the world 25 days a month? It’d be a nice display of realism for the champ to lose a non-title match occasionally, and in this particular case it would make for a great little side story in Cena’s feud with K-Fed, whom Nitro is “preparing” for his match against the champ on New Year’s Day. Think of the added pressure on Cena when he faces K-Fed if the backstory included Cena recently losing to K-Fed’s own personal trainer, who will no doubt be at ringside for the contest, along with Melina.
But when Vince McMahon is high on a performer, there’s nothing he can’t do. Cena will be on top of the WWE, in some way or another, for a long time. Hell, he made McMahon’s own son-in-law tap out in the middle of the ring at the biggest show of the year! It’s great that Cena has broken through the glass ceiling, but when he faces the guys who still haven’t, like most of his opponents, it makes for some boring television programs.
Much to my dismay, almost the same exact story from the Cena/Nitro match was told again a few nights later on SmackDown! when Cena squared off against Finlay in the main event. Finlay targeted Cena’s arm and pounded it with a variety of attacks for several minutes. This should have negated all of Cena’s power-based offense, but of course, it didn’t. Cena easily kicked out of Finlay’s Celtic Cross finisher, dodged an attempted chair shot, and hoisted Finlay for the F-U and the win. I wonder if Finlay could have returned the favor and kicked out of Cena’s finisher if only he were a babyface.
They used to tell us, “Anything can happen in the WWE”¦” but now it seems nothing unusual ever happens, at least in the main event. It’s too bad, because that would be a compelling television environment. If you know in advance that somebody can’t lose because his opponent isn’t at his level, then why bother tuning in? There’s no thrill, no excitement, no sense of wonder for the viewer. It’s like watching the movie The Usual Suspects for the first time, and about 30 minutes in, just when the mystery really gets cooking, your buddy walks in the room and says, “I love this movie, Dude. Did you see that part where they reveal that Verbal is actually Keyzer Soze?”
We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.
p.s. — “The finest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist.”
– Charles Baudelaire
Before you leave, check out the Inside Pulse staff Roundtable for Armageddon. Compare our predictions to PK’s Live Coverage, then take a look below to see who came out on top.
IP Staff Roundtable Results for Armageddon
Iain Burnside Armageddon Roundtable Champion!
SmackDown! – Armageddon (17 Dec 06): 6-1
Total: 42-33
Matthew Michaels
SmackDown! – Armageddon (17 Dec 06): 4-3
Total: 27-19
Vinny Truncellito
SmackDown! – Armageddon (17 Dec 06): 4-3
Total: 51-35
Eric Szulczewski
SmackDown! – Armageddon (17 Dec 06): 3-4
Total: 41-43
IP Staff Roundtable Totals for 2006
Vinny Truncellito 2006 Roundtable Champion!
Total: 51-35
Iain Burnside
Total: 42-33
Eric Szulczewski
Total: 41-43
Matthew Michaels
Total: 27-19
Danny Wallace
Total: 25-13
BLATT
Total: 23-26
PK
Total: 21-11
Steve Murray
Total: 19-11
Joel Geraghty
Total: 17-7
David Brashear
Total: 15-10
Danny Cox
Total: 11-12
Troy Hepple
Total: 10-11
Widro
Total: 9-2
GRUT
Total: 9-5
Jeremy Lambert
Total: 8-6
Aaron
Total: 8-16
Tom Pandich
Total: 7-7
Jeremy Botter
Total: 6-9
Mark Neeley
Total: 6-8
CJ Ambrosia
Total: 4-3
ML Kennedy
Total: 4-3
Will Cooling
Total: 4-3
Ellie
Total: 2-4
