Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc., 12.19.06

In Memoriam: The obvious one, a definite 10 on the Jones Scale, I’m making arrangements to do inside Prime Time Pulse and/or Popcorn Junkies, so stay tuned for that probably sometime today.

In Memoriam II: Mart Nodell. A green ring, a source of light, and a legend that lives today in both original and altered forms. Bravo.

In Memoriam III: Chris Hayward. His death happened last month, but was just announced. As co-creator of The Munsters and one of the key elements in the barely-controlled insanity that was Jay Ward Productions, his contribution to pop culture is immense.

And a belated In Memoriam to Ahmet Ertegun. He should have gone in in the Short Form, but last week was so utterly insane that it slipped my mind. Definitely a knock on me because of how much poorer music would be today without his vision and his spirit. The Atlantic roster alone proves that.

You’ll forgive me if I’m not into it due to that first death up there. I’ll be heavily expanding on what kind of a loss this is (well, at least for me) after I get this done, and you can tell that I’m extremely late in getting this done. That’s what a PPV and a three-hour Raw can do when you really, really need sleep, which I did as I tried to cram out Armageddon on Tuesday afternoon. Connect the dots, folks.

Only seven Bears made the Pro Bowl? East Coast Bias, pure and simple. Just gotta have the Barber twins, huh, despite the fact that Thomas Jones is tearing up the place. And Jeremy Shockey? Bitch, please. Did you see the game Desmond Clark had on Sunday? And he’s been doing that all year, just very quietly.

Yes, I am rubbing it in Daniels’ face. So shut up.

We’ve already begun our staff voting for our year-end awards (the vote for the smelly proles is also ongoing, like we care), and we already have some runaway winners in a few categories (like Comeback of the Year, Worst Match, and Most Improved). It was a weird year, folks. What can you say about a year when last year’s Best Male Wrestler winner barely missed the nominating cut? And I really want to know the identity of the two ‘tards on staff who kept Paisley out of the running for Non-Wrestling Personality. Kevin Nash, my ass.

Oh, hell, on with the festivities…

THE PIMP SECTION

Bambi lets her feelings about Raw be known. Of course, hers don’t count, and only mine do.

Vinny is our JTTS, and we treat him special.

Glazer really does have a big interview coming up, and we’re treating this seriously.

Daniels still doesn’t realize that the only reason the rest of the country cared about the basketbrawl was that it involved ‘Melo.

I was able to see Ralph Sampson and Patrick Ewing at the college level, Bisman, and Greg Oden still has a lot of work to do to convince me that he’s better than either.

I may In Memoriam, but Morrison has my back on one of my entries with more details.

Paul exhibits major-league East Coast Bias.

Mathan is happy because hip-hop fans have a lot of great stocking stuffers this year.

THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE BOOKING TEAM

And, no, that is not a Ric Flair reference. There’s this thing called the Book of Revelation. Scarier than Stephen King, if only because some extremely retarded and superstitious people (including those that illegally occupy the White House) believe that it’s literal prophecy/truth.

Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to this card at all. There was only one match that I wanted to see on this card, and that was the tag match. Then, they proceeded to ruin that one in the name of audience pandering. I don’t even know why I’m wasting my time. I have a three-hour Raw to cover. I want to do a full-length obit on a man I greatly admired. What am I doing watching this?

Just a few reflections on the Inferno Match: 1) So Kane finally won one of these? Took long enough. 2) Inferno Matches actually work better now than they did back when they were first started. Remember, it was Kane’s fear of fire that engendered the first one, back when we were all pretending he was badly burned as a child. Now, with fire simply being Kane’s motif and part of his call phrase, it makes more sense to incorporate fire into a match. Less reliance on kayfabe and all that. 3) If there were guys around ringside with extinguishers on hand, why didn’t they put Porter out right away? Because we would have lost the “cool” visual of Porter running around with his back on fire, of course. Hasn’t that imbecile ever heard of “stop, drop, and roll”?

Oh, would Freud have had a field day interpreting this one

Everyone’s going spaz about the Ladder Match. No, not me. If you’ve seen any other mass ladder match, you’ve seen this one, especially since they decided to involve the Hardly Men for no reason that I can discern. Yeah, the presence of Mattsy-Poo and Jeffykins biased me against this match in the first place. The unneeded addition of MNM just compounded this (although Jeffykins took care of that thanks to his leveraged encounter with Mercury’s face). Also, the belt didn’t change hands. This was the perfect way to get the straps off of Team Twink Porn with no damage to them. Combine that with the fact that they had to neuter the Blue Bloods by making them “afraid of heights”. Wouldn’t it have been an enhancement to their rep if they’d won the match in spite of this? By-the-numbers ladder match combined with bad booking…why are you retards liking this? Are you that phenomenally stupid? You know, I do have some faith that there is intelligence in the wrestling community other than myself. You’re causing me to lose the last vestige of that faith, you know. MOTYC, my ass, Fingers.

Now that’s the way to take care of Mattsy-Poo

In case you’re wondering how Mercury’s nose got busted

And in case you’re wondering what it looked like after that

Mizanin/Boogey…no, no comment is necessary. Just not enough brutality, that’s all.

You can kick, you can run, but you can’t escape

And so the Screwing Of Chavo Guerrero continues. What is their problem? More accurately, what exactly do they think the problem with Chavito is? The only thing I can think of is this: he’s not Eddy. They gave Chavito Eddy’s feuds. They gave him Eddy’s wife. They want to turn him into Eddy, but he wants to be Chavito, son of Chavo, son of Gory. That’s a pretty damn good thing to be. Yet in the realm of third-generation stars, instead of pushing a guy with more than a decade of experience and a great track record at SE, they keep giving push after push to Randy Orton. Why not give him the strap this time? There’s no chance of making Benoit look weak short of having him job to a thermonuclear device. Cheat To Win is a Guerrero trademark. What the hell is their excuse at not transitioning the belt?

Look, we pretty much had it agreed in the Round Table that it was Chavito’s time. If you can get all of us to agree on something, it’s got to happen. The universe doesn’t line up that way too often, you know. So why didn’t they do it this time? And please don’t tell me they’re saving it for Royal Rumble. That’s bullshit.

Considering the condition of Benoit’s neck, this shows how much trust he has in Chavito

No, High-Quality Speaker Boy, I’m afraid the crowd was right. The CW title was boring. Let’s face it, after years of the X Division, our expectations for lighter-weight wrestlers have changed. Add that fact that the PPV was taking place in one of the traditional hotbeds for cruiserweight wrestling, and you have a bad combination for a solid but stolid match like the one we got. Shit, they tore it up ten times more during an average tag match in WCW in the day. Take the brakes off and let them go. And, oh, by the way, get the strap off of Novocaine and get a chick back on Yang’s arm quick.

He’s too much of a redneck to know they drained the water earlier

Again, not enough blood and mutilation in the Last Ride Match. I’m utterly serious. I never want to see FudgePacker again. From the first moment, I spotted the potential for what he’d be: the next Flex. I didn’t want that to happen, period. I couldn’t suffer through that again. But you assholes, you cheered him on. This was the perfect chance to get rid of him forever. Unfortunately, he’s going to be back, and I have to continue to suffer. You see, only I matter. Your desires are irrelevant. I want WWE to only program for my benefit, and they never do. So, yeah, death is an option, and it’s an option that should have been exercised.

Insert “taking out the trash” joke here

Yeah, this is exactly what Hamlet needed

The main event was just one big “who cares”. Let’s face it, Cena’s a walking downer. If they’d done the Triple Threat title match here instead of on Smackdown, maybe I would have given a shit. But I’m not giving this thing anything more than it deserves, which is nothing.

The Lug Of The Irish

Well, that was a miserable time, just as expected. Let’s just move on to another miserable three hours, namely Raw…

THE SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Edge over (in approximate order of elimination) Carly Colon, Steve Lombardi, Jim Duggan, Sergeant Slaughter…wait a minute, is this really 2006?…Viscera…again, is this really 2006?…Johnny Jeter, Val Venis, Ron Simmons, JTG, Shad, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Jerry Lawler, Jeffykins, Super Crazy, the retard, Gene Snitsky, Trevor Murdoch, Ric Flair, My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane, Chris Masters, Trip, Johnny Nitro, GarriLance Cade (who did he blow?), Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels, plus three others eliminated during the commercial breaks, Thirty-Man Over-The-Top Battle Royal That Has Nothing To Do With The Thirty-Man Over-The-Top Battle Royal That’s Going To Be On PPV Next Month And, Oh, Yeah, It’s A Number One Contender’s Match Too: I don’t comment on battle royals.

Lawler versus Lombardi! Smell the excitement!

Why Super Crazy is one of the few Mexicans I like

No, Ric, that’s not Beth’s lawyer, that’s Edge. You guys had an MOTYC back in January, remember?

Gee, DX versus the entire upper-card heel contingent. Stop me if you’ve seen this one before.

On one side, four top heels (yes, I know that’s stretching things when it comes to Cade). On the other side, a top draw for nearly two decades and the best friend of the owner’s son-in-law. The heels have no chance.

Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, and Johnny Nitro over Jeffykins and Mattsy-Poo (Pinfall, Benjamin pins Matt, rollup): Hey, any time the Hardly Men lose, it’s fine by me. Even if it’s a cheap roll-up that doesn’t show off the talent inherent in Shelton Benjamin and new daddy Charlie Haas.

I don’t care who does it, I just like seeing Jeffykins having the shit beat out of him

My Illegitimate Son Ken Doane over Ric Flair (Pinfall, rollup): Well, they needed to explain the D on Kenny’s tights, and one of the writers is probably a Phillies fan, so…oh, it sucks. We can admit it now and then get over it. However, I do have to speak to the boy about his cockiness, not to mention the benefits of a face turn and a partnership with Ric Flair.

If this is the beginning of a feud, just imagine the age difference between the participants. The difference is greater than the age of every writer in the wrestling section except for myself and, perhaps, Gordi. Sure makes me feel better about that.

Ric Flair is allowed to abuse my boy because he’s Ric Fuckin’ Flair. Got it?

John Cena over Edge, WWE Title Match (Pinfall, Trip Pedigree): Believe it or not, there were some people still in denial about who Cena’s real fanbase is. Those doubts should finally be put to rest. Check out the dueling chants that broke out during this match. The “Let’s Go Edge” chant had a register that reeked of sweaty jockstraps. The corresponding “Let’s Go Cena” chant was in a pitch so high that only dogs could hear it. Cena’s supporters are squeeing fangirls and pre-pubescents who don’t know any better (you should know the latter; you were once one of them, a bunch of Hogan marks). Deny it now, I dare you. We just need to play this match back to prove how utterly insane you are.

Like that’s going to get a three count

Victoria over MickieLexis LaJames, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Widow’s Peak): Hope you enjoy this. It’s the last remaining real women’s wrestling match left on Raw. They’ve got to get Jillian Hall transferred over plus promote those women in the minors ASAP, or just end up hiring Cheerleader Melissa or, dare I say it, get Gail Kim back now that her usefulness is pretty much over in TNA? Whatever they do, they have to do something, quick.

Victoria’s best side

Shawn, Trip, and Useless over Edge, Randy Orton, and Jamalga, Alleged Main Event (DQ, Fun With Chairs): Damn, are they turning New Years’ Revolution into a hard sell or what? Normally, the attraction would have been an Elimination Chamber with a nice, slow build. However, they blew that on December to Dismember. Thus, the plethora of already-announced matches and big-name main events in order to sell this puppy. Talk about compensation syndrome. And did the apres really need to last that long and be that bloody? I have this feeling the show ended a little early, and they were telling all these guys to stretch. Michaels did it in the way he best knows, getting the crap beat out of him. Well, he’s WWE’s go-to guy when Flair isn’t available for that duty.

“Dude, if you don’t stop, they’ll make you go back to Three-Minute Warning!”

Angle Developments:

No, still doesn’t increase his credibility with me

Normally, this would be pretty close to bestiality, but he’s done Bitchney

After dealing with Condi, these guys are a relief

Okay, that finishes this one. Now it’s directly on to ECW, then to me doing something for Joe. Sleep is for the weak.

Tags: ,