Contradicting Popular Opinion:
An Enquiry Concerning Why Your Favorite Movie Sucks
INTRO
Things will be quick and dirty this week. It’s the busy holiday season; many guests have been over to the apartment (Fort Awesome), we’ve made Miis for the WGN morning news personalities, and I’ve logged too many hours on Zelda.
The 8 bit Zelda.
I did a similar piece six months ago, and will likely do another one six months from now. I’m just warning you all.
Get on with it – 2006, the year in review
We’re going to take a look at our top box office winners for 2006. From this information, we’ll hope to glean some insight into the current state of film. Now, we’re going with the box office numbers, as opposed to awards and nominations for several reasons, two of which stand out above all others.
Reason 1 – Generally speaking, Inside Pulse is a populist site. Pop-culture is better represented by that which is popular as opposed to that which is “good.” If it isn’t popular, it isn’t popular culture.
Reason 2 – I catch most films on DVD, and award winners generally come to theaters in November and December. That is, to say, I don’t believe I’ve seen one of those damn films nominated for anything.
But I do have box office numbers! Huzzah!
Everybody does top ten lists. We here at CPO pride ourselves on contradicting popular opinion. Like true iconoclasts, we shall do a top 8 list.
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
Buena Vista
$423,315,812
At the top spot by quite a large margin is our Pirate Sequel. It’s nice to see that Johnny Depp has defied his previous label of Box Office Poison. I just did a column on this movie last week, but aside from the DC parts it wasn’t a particularly good column. Let me see if I can say what I mean in fewer, more eloquent words. Dead Man’s Chest is a flat line of giddiness in which any sense of adventure or suspense is squandered by meaningless context and cheap jokes. (For PulseWrestling fans, It’s a bit like watching a bad Jeff Hardy match: spots with no story.)
It isn’t a very good movie, but considerably better than having your porch collapse.
2 Cars
Buena Vista
$244,082,982
Our top 2 money earners come from Disney’s Buena Vista. Interesting. Cars is a wonderful film that just about anybody can enjoy. It’s the only movie to rake in over 200 million that is believably called a “personal project” by its director. It is also the best film that Larry the Cable Guy will ever be a part of.
3 X-Men: The Last Stand
Fox
$234,362,462
Three movies in, and two of them are sequels. Months ago, I had this thing to say about X3:
For the most part, the movie itself isn’t remarkable. It isn’t terribly memorable. Few things are particularly well done. It has terrible physics, even for a comic book movie. The flick is like a black hole from which no logic can escape. It’s a typical summer blockbuster: more of a widget than a piece of art.
My opinion of the flick has not changed much. I remember looking forward to X3 during the credits of X2. Currently, I’d be happy to never see this film again.
4 The Da Vinci Code
Sony / Columbia
$217,536,138
I try to avoid Ron Howard movies; I’ve never enjoyed one. This point was hammered home upon a viewing of his version of The Grinch six years ago.
I especially try to avoid movies written by Oscar winner(?!) Akiva Goldsman, whose credits include:
I, Robot
Practical Magic
Lost in Space
Batman & Robin
Batman Forever
To paraphrase Meatloaf: I would do anything for Popcorn Junkies, but I won’t do that.
5 Superman Returns
Warner Bros.
$200,081,192
New Superman is generally a good movie. I think it borrows too heavily from Donner’s first film, while at the same time professing to be a sequel to it. Other than that, nice flick. New Superman is considerably better than new Batman.
6 Ice Age: The Meltdown
Fox
$195,330,621
My daughter is getting this thing for Christmas from her aunt. (She’s three; she can’t read. As such, it is no spoiler.) I owned the first one as the result of a video-store going out of business. It was in my house for several months before I bothered to watch it. After I finally did, I saw the film as nothing special. I’d imagine that the sequel is “nothing special, now featuring Queen Latifah!”
7 Over the Hedge
Paramount (DreamWorks)
$155,019,340
Another spot, and we have another CGI cartoon. My daughter Thalia enjoys this flick, though she is frightened by the bear. It’s not as grating as a lot of kid flicks. That is my glowing review of the picture: it isn’t an entirely unpleasant experience.
8 Happy Feet
Warner Bros.
$149,406,000
Nothing says box office gold like CGI penguins from the man who brought you Mad Max. It’s an odd world isn’t it? My wife took my daughter to see this film. If I remember correctly, her review was, “Thalia seemed to like it. I did not. You would hate it. It’s like Moulin Rouge with penguins.”
Trend-spotting
Here is how this thing breaks down. Of the top eight money earners, four are cartoons, all with computer animation. In three of those, the main characters are animals; in the other the main characters are vehicles.
Depending on how you count Superman, four of the top eight are sequels.
Two of the top eight are based on comics, one is based on a novel, with the most successful film being based on a theme park attraction.
The Da Vinci Code seems to be the only film in the bunch aimed at an adult audience. It is also the only film to feature a human main character surrounded by other humans. (Apart from the cartoons, we have mutants, an alien, and a flick full of sea monsters.)
None of the films would be described by me as “realistic.”
So what does all this say about movies? It seems that going out to the cineplex is either something for teens to do, or something to do with the family. I think that that makes sense. The average adult, with no kids, has no reason to go to the movies. For the price of one trip to the theater (w/ date), he or she could get a month worth of Netflix, never having to travel farther than the mailbox for a wider array of movies.
Nowadays, the only advantages of going out to the movies are
A. it is an excuse to get out of the house.
B. the screen is large.
C. the burning desire to see films with strangers.
….
